No Longer An Ampersand
I guess it's all over but for the crying, as they say. As of a few days ago, Rod and I officially broke up.
I am really not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is surprisingly indifferent, considering the tears, the talk, and the thoughts and feelings that led up to this decision. Part of me is a little shocked, but only a small part of me. Part of me feels as though I could have done things a lot differently. Part of me is wondering what now.
I feel as though I let him down maybe. We had issues and problems like anyone else, but I feel as though I would make excuses for the way he would speak or respond to my concerns; it was after all his first serious relationship and he didn't really know what to expect in many ways. But in doing so, I gave no direction and instead of rising up and forcing decisions or actions, or asserting myself, I let them slide.
I tried to pretend that the words didn't bother me, especially when I learned that the degree of his indifference to life spread and included me and all aspects of our relationship. Learning that your mate of four years is no longer interested in you in the least, physically, emotionally, sexually, when you still love them is a hard thing to make yourself understand or pretend away. After a while of trying to determine whether or not that had changed, or if he had started loving me again, or if maybe I was important again I knew I had to move out. And after a few weeks of taking a hard look at what our relationship had become, it seemed as though breaking it off was what was required.
As for you, I intentionally tried to not make it any easier on you when we parted ways. My lips wanted to betray my common sense and try to relieve your pain by telling you it was okay, that it wasn't your fault, that I was the one to blame, but I knew it wasn't true, so I stayed silent. I wanted you to feel some of the pain that I have been feeling because you needed to feel it, or at the very least least you needed to feel something. And as for not knowing what you have until it is gone, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I tried showing and telling you that I was a good person, that I was a desirable person, that I have a lot of great qualities to offer, you just didn't see or hear that I guess even though I was always standing there, hoping. I am more than your idea of perfection, I am my own individual.
I am sorry I couldn't fix things, but quite honestly, when the shit starts coming down, I don't know to fix any of it. Goodbye, old friend.
I am really not sure how I feel about it. Part of me is surprisingly indifferent, considering the tears, the talk, and the thoughts and feelings that led up to this decision. Part of me is a little shocked, but only a small part of me. Part of me feels as though I could have done things a lot differently. Part of me is wondering what now.
I feel as though I let him down maybe. We had issues and problems like anyone else, but I feel as though I would make excuses for the way he would speak or respond to my concerns; it was after all his first serious relationship and he didn't really know what to expect in many ways. But in doing so, I gave no direction and instead of rising up and forcing decisions or actions, or asserting myself, I let them slide.
I tried to pretend that the words didn't bother me, especially when I learned that the degree of his indifference to life spread and included me and all aspects of our relationship. Learning that your mate of four years is no longer interested in you in the least, physically, emotionally, sexually, when you still love them is a hard thing to make yourself understand or pretend away. After a while of trying to determine whether or not that had changed, or if he had started loving me again, or if maybe I was important again I knew I had to move out. And after a few weeks of taking a hard look at what our relationship had become, it seemed as though breaking it off was what was required.
As for you, I intentionally tried to not make it any easier on you when we parted ways. My lips wanted to betray my common sense and try to relieve your pain by telling you it was okay, that it wasn't your fault, that I was the one to blame, but I knew it wasn't true, so I stayed silent. I wanted you to feel some of the pain that I have been feeling because you needed to feel it, or at the very least least you needed to feel something. And as for not knowing what you have until it is gone, I'm sorry you feel that way, but I tried showing and telling you that I was a good person, that I was a desirable person, that I have a lot of great qualities to offer, you just didn't see or hear that I guess even though I was always standing there, hoping. I am more than your idea of perfection, I am my own individual.
I am sorry I couldn't fix things, but quite honestly, when the shit starts coming down, I don't know to fix any of it. Goodbye, old friend.