Happy Graduation
I have decided for my own piece of mine that I am no longer going to hold back. I am no longer going to consider getting a new LJ account so I can vent when I need to. I am no longer going to refrain from posting anything because of how close my feelings are to anyone else I know because I think it is betraying who I am as a person. Instead I am going to resume my journal as it was intended to be used. I guess if anyone reading it decides they don't like it then so be it.
So I am pissed. I graduate tomorrow, and I am attending the ceremony alone. When I talked to Rod's boss tonight about whether or not Rod would be able to have a few hours off so he could attend, he said it was too bad that he didn't know earlier that it was happening then he would have been to give Rod the time off to attend. Funny that, I thought to myself, since I told Rod about it several weeks ago. I guess he never bothered to ask, in fact I know that he never bothered to ask. Oddly enough I thought that he would actually be interested in witnessing the grand finale of this long ride that has nearly ended our relationship and seeing it put behind us. But I guess what did I expect, as he puts it he can't even schedule a dental appointment.
I really can't help but feel I do not matter. In fact I am really not too sure when the last time I did actually matter was.
I think the root reason why I am taking this hard is because I have never had a date for my graduation. In high school I ended up graduating a year later than I should have, but I really wanted to participate in some way. There was one guy in my class that was so desperate for a date he was joking about having to pay someone to go with him, or about taking a teacher's aid as his date. He never once asked me if I would be his date, and I have to say I couldn't help but feel like the ugly duckling. When the restaurant I was employed with got the catering job for the grad banquet, which meant I had to clean the dishes off the tables of the people I was supposed to be graduating with, it was, needless to say, hard to take. The following year I actually did get to graduate, but had no date; I got to experience the walk of shame by myself, even though I was actually sating someone at the time.
Fuck it, I don't really know why I expected this to be any different. I guess I just assumed that at some point I would be with someone that would want to experience these events with me, that cared enough to try and make an effort. It goes to show that it's true what they say; when you assume something you make an ass out of you and me. Or maybe it's just me. I just worked really hard this time to get here and I wanted to celebrate it with someone. I wanted someone to be proud of me.
So I am pissed. I graduate tomorrow, and I am attending the ceremony alone. When I talked to Rod's boss tonight about whether or not Rod would be able to have a few hours off so he could attend, he said it was too bad that he didn't know earlier that it was happening then he would have been to give Rod the time off to attend. Funny that, I thought to myself, since I told Rod about it several weeks ago. I guess he never bothered to ask, in fact I know that he never bothered to ask. Oddly enough I thought that he would actually be interested in witnessing the grand finale of this long ride that has nearly ended our relationship and seeing it put behind us. But I guess what did I expect, as he puts it he can't even schedule a dental appointment.
I really can't help but feel I do not matter. In fact I am really not too sure when the last time I did actually matter was.
I think the root reason why I am taking this hard is because I have never had a date for my graduation. In high school I ended up graduating a year later than I should have, but I really wanted to participate in some way. There was one guy in my class that was so desperate for a date he was joking about having to pay someone to go with him, or about taking a teacher's aid as his date. He never once asked me if I would be his date, and I have to say I couldn't help but feel like the ugly duckling. When the restaurant I was employed with got the catering job for the grad banquet, which meant I had to clean the dishes off the tables of the people I was supposed to be graduating with, it was, needless to say, hard to take. The following year I actually did get to graduate, but had no date; I got to experience the walk of shame by myself, even though I was actually sating someone at the time.
Fuck it, I don't really know why I expected this to be any different. I guess I just assumed that at some point I would be with someone that would want to experience these events with me, that cared enough to try and make an effort. It goes to show that it's true what they say; when you assume something you make an ass out of you and me. Or maybe it's just me. I just worked really hard this time to get here and I wanted to celebrate it with someone. I wanted someone to be proud of me.