an update...its been awhile
Its been a long time. For a few reasons. One I dont have my computer. I have been using a dinosaur for about 2 months. Its ok for checking facebook and stuff and for reading but when I write something it takes about a minute after I write a few words for it to show. I start writing something and have no patience and give up. Secondly, my life is a little overwhelming (what a shock to everyone) that I have a hard time writing about it. Recap..
This past year has truly been one of the hardest in my marriage, as a family and as a person I think we have gone through. Starting last may with Brookes friend Jen dying from cancer on a friday, Jims beautiful aunt Ollie who we loved so much passing away the next day from Cancer then Jims dad being diagnosed a few days later with stage 10 prostate cancer. Jims dad started his treatment in October and Jims aunt....his mom and Ollies sister committed suicide right then. Nadine was a beautiful person and it was so unexpected. She died on a friday and my mom was acting like she didnt care..I was upset. Then found out saturday my mom had what they were sure was lung cancer, She had part of her lung out in November. I took time off to be with her which I needed too but caused us to get really behind with money for christmas and bills etc and we have never caught up.
January is when I hurt my back and it went back and forth about surgery and i was in pain for so long. Finally after the MRI and CAT scan both confirmed the protruding and bulging disc and some central spinal stenosis they decided traction and physio. So went through ups and downs with that and I finally was on a back to work program. Just about was full time back and work and Workers comp sent me for an assessement in another city with 5 doctors and they decided Im not healed and put me on a secondary physio program where I go three days a week to gym, functional and physio mon, wed, friday and work three hours after those days and work 6 hours tuesday and thursdays for 8 weeks. I will be done hopefully end of June. So behind more money.
Then a at Easter we went home and I knew something was up with my dad. My mom had been really secretative about certain things and I had a feeling something was up. We get there my dad looks like he is dying and spends the weekend in bed not even coming to Easter supper saying he was tired. that is not my dad. I got upset and told my mom I wanted the truth. Well I got it. My dad has always been an alchololic. He is a closet drinker. You dont see him drunk. He is the kindest, soft spoken, hardest worker you have met. But h e has always snuck downstairs for drinks or had bootles in his truck etc. We grew up knowing that. My mom didnt think we knew..duh and said things had gotten bad and he was using booze more to cope with stress and some depression about getting old and not knowing how to get out of farming or if he wanted to yet it was too much. So now he was binge drinking for days in the basement...doing his work drunk etc. Problem was more then that. The booze was physically killing him. His liver and kidneys are damaged bad and he was physically sick. Dr. told him he was killing h imself and wanted him in the hospital to dry out and on antidepressants. I was floored. Sick.. He wouldnt go of course. he is a stubborn man. He has cut down SOME but hasnt stopped and is still sick and the worry each day is he will drink more ..My mom kept this for a year.
While this was happening on Jims side his brother Jeff who is 37 and the most sweetheart of a guy and single got VERY sick.. He had been sick some since christmas with swelling of his face and feet and not feeling good. Doctors kept putting it off. At Easter he had gained 51 pounds of water on his legs and feet and he couldnt even walk. They looked like basketballs. He seriously looked like he should be on some show on the health channel. Besides that he had terrible projectile vomitting steady with no warning. They finally took him seriously and he was put in the hospital where they found out he was in complete kidney failure. After much testing and biopsies he was diagnosed with Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis. Its bad...really bad. Not curable. He at the moment is not a canidate for transplant and even if aperson is the disease usually strikes the new kidney when its this bad. ITS NOT fair. he would do anythign for anybody., He is taking going through this hell so well. He is so sick. So Jims mom has been up in the city he lives (5 hours away) for a few months taking him to dialysis and cooking his very little allowed diet and seeing whats going to happen. The poor woman loses two sister, her husband has cancer and now this...she hasnt had time to grieve. She is my hero. As is Jeff.
Sure makes you think about life.
My aunt died at Easter too..she was 57 and fought Cancer for 4 years. It was on the way home from her funeral Jim and I had a big talk as our marriage has been just hanging on with the stress. He goes cold, shuts down and is miserable to everyone. I am emotional, want to talk to him and he isnt there. We are trying.
It was 20 years for us on April 22nd.
Through all this the little biatches at work have still been making my life miserable. They went to managment and said I had lied on my incident work injury report saying I was lifting alone and not with someone. I had to go with a shop steward. It was humilating, so hurtful. I would have quit but I cant and I dont want to let those few girls win. I also have retro pay for a year coming and I wont get it if I quit. The management felt bad even calling me in. They know me but because there was a written complaint so they had to investigate. Course the girl working with me said the same thing so they dropped it and the girl who made it up got disaplined. But its pretty awkward now.
So anyway somedays I block things out..some days I grieve...other days I try and remind myself it could be worse
I just turned 40 last sunday and I was complaining to my brother in law I didnt want to be 40. I wanted to be skinny by then...i wanted to have done things different. He said" remember some people dont make it to 40. your lucky" wow...that has impacted me so much. Coming from him who is so sick. So Im trying to remember that daily and change who I am and what I feel but its hard.
As for my kids
Brooke is working at Sears another week. Then she works at summer camp til August and goes off to University in the fall if her student loan works out to take Youth Care Worker. She still has her miserable moments but has learned alot about money and has her first real boyfriend that I love. He likes her for who she is (she is quite overweight now). I hope he stays. Very nice guy.
Dylan is going into grade 12 and almost 17. Good kid. Working at the Galaxy Cinema starting next week and still is all about cars and computers. No girlfriend but a great group of guy friends who hang out all the time.
Avery just graduated grade 8 and 14and is off too high school next year. He is 5'9 now and skinny and all size 13 feet..lol Poor Dylan stopped growing at about 5'7 and is chubby (and built) and is jealous..lol He is all about girls and his friends and is not quite as easy going as Dylan but still easier then Brooke..lol
Shay is 7 and going into grade 2. I kept him back a year before school started cause of his dec birthday. He is super smart, very athletic. Hockey is his fav with soccer, baseball, and lacrosse all seconds and never has a ball out of his hands. He is super funny and acts like his teenage siblings which isnt always good. lol
Dont k now what I would do with out them.
Anyway I do still read every day. Sorry about the replies though. Damn computer and my funk.
Love you all
This past year has truly been one of the hardest in my marriage, as a family and as a person I think we have gone through. Starting last may with Brookes friend Jen dying from cancer on a friday, Jims beautiful aunt Ollie who we loved so much passing away the next day from Cancer then Jims dad being diagnosed a few days later with stage 10 prostate cancer. Jims dad started his treatment in October and Jims aunt....his mom and Ollies sister committed suicide right then. Nadine was a beautiful person and it was so unexpected. She died on a friday and my mom was acting like she didnt care..I was upset. Then found out saturday my mom had what they were sure was lung cancer, She had part of her lung out in November. I took time off to be with her which I needed too but caused us to get really behind with money for christmas and bills etc and we have never caught up.
January is when I hurt my back and it went back and forth about surgery and i was in pain for so long. Finally after the MRI and CAT scan both confirmed the protruding and bulging disc and some central spinal stenosis they decided traction and physio. So went through ups and downs with that and I finally was on a back to work program. Just about was full time back and work and Workers comp sent me for an assessement in another city with 5 doctors and they decided Im not healed and put me on a secondary physio program where I go three days a week to gym, functional and physio mon, wed, friday and work three hours after those days and work 6 hours tuesday and thursdays for 8 weeks. I will be done hopefully end of June. So behind more money.
Then a at Easter we went home and I knew something was up with my dad. My mom had been really secretative about certain things and I had a feeling something was up. We get there my dad looks like he is dying and spends the weekend in bed not even coming to Easter supper saying he was tired. that is not my dad. I got upset and told my mom I wanted the truth. Well I got it. My dad has always been an alchololic. He is a closet drinker. You dont see him drunk. He is the kindest, soft spoken, hardest worker you have met. But h e has always snuck downstairs for drinks or had bootles in his truck etc. We grew up knowing that. My mom didnt think we knew..duh and said things had gotten bad and he was using booze more to cope with stress and some depression about getting old and not knowing how to get out of farming or if he wanted to yet it was too much. So now he was binge drinking for days in the basement...doing his work drunk etc. Problem was more then that. The booze was physically killing him. His liver and kidneys are damaged bad and he was physically sick. Dr. told him he was killing h imself and wanted him in the hospital to dry out and on antidepressants. I was floored. Sick.. He wouldnt go of course. he is a stubborn man. He has cut down SOME but hasnt stopped and is still sick and the worry each day is he will drink more ..My mom kept this for a year.
While this was happening on Jims side his brother Jeff who is 37 and the most sweetheart of a guy and single got VERY sick.. He had been sick some since christmas with swelling of his face and feet and not feeling good. Doctors kept putting it off. At Easter he had gained 51 pounds of water on his legs and feet and he couldnt even walk. They looked like basketballs. He seriously looked like he should be on some show on the health channel. Besides that he had terrible projectile vomitting steady with no warning. They finally took him seriously and he was put in the hospital where they found out he was in complete kidney failure. After much testing and biopsies he was diagnosed with Focal Segmental Glomerulosclerosis. Its bad...really bad. Not curable. He at the moment is not a canidate for transplant and even if aperson is the disease usually strikes the new kidney when its this bad. ITS NOT fair. he would do anythign for anybody., He is taking going through this hell so well. He is so sick. So Jims mom has been up in the city he lives (5 hours away) for a few months taking him to dialysis and cooking his very little allowed diet and seeing whats going to happen. The poor woman loses two sister, her husband has cancer and now this...she hasnt had time to grieve. She is my hero. As is Jeff.
Sure makes you think about life.
My aunt died at Easter too..she was 57 and fought Cancer for 4 years. It was on the way home from her funeral Jim and I had a big talk as our marriage has been just hanging on with the stress. He goes cold, shuts down and is miserable to everyone. I am emotional, want to talk to him and he isnt there. We are trying.
It was 20 years for us on April 22nd.
Through all this the little biatches at work have still been making my life miserable. They went to managment and said I had lied on my incident work injury report saying I was lifting alone and not with someone. I had to go with a shop steward. It was humilating, so hurtful. I would have quit but I cant and I dont want to let those few girls win. I also have retro pay for a year coming and I wont get it if I quit. The management felt bad even calling me in. They know me but because there was a written complaint so they had to investigate. Course the girl working with me said the same thing so they dropped it and the girl who made it up got disaplined. But its pretty awkward now.
So anyway somedays I block things out..some days I grieve...other days I try and remind myself it could be worse
I just turned 40 last sunday and I was complaining to my brother in law I didnt want to be 40. I wanted to be skinny by then...i wanted to have done things different. He said" remember some people dont make it to 40. your lucky" wow...that has impacted me so much. Coming from him who is so sick. So Im trying to remember that daily and change who I am and what I feel but its hard.
As for my kids
Brooke is working at Sears another week. Then she works at summer camp til August and goes off to University in the fall if her student loan works out to take Youth Care Worker. She still has her miserable moments but has learned alot about money and has her first real boyfriend that I love. He likes her for who she is (she is quite overweight now). I hope he stays. Very nice guy.
Dylan is going into grade 12 and almost 17. Good kid. Working at the Galaxy Cinema starting next week and still is all about cars and computers. No girlfriend but a great group of guy friends who hang out all the time.
Avery just graduated grade 8 and 14and is off too high school next year. He is 5'9 now and skinny and all size 13 feet..lol Poor Dylan stopped growing at about 5'7 and is chubby (and built) and is jealous..lol He is all about girls and his friends and is not quite as easy going as Dylan but still easier then Brooke..lol
Shay is 7 and going into grade 2. I kept him back a year before school started cause of his dec birthday. He is super smart, very athletic. Hockey is his fav with soccer, baseball, and lacrosse all seconds and never has a ball out of his hands. He is super funny and acts like his teenage siblings which isnt always good. lol
Dont k now what I would do with out them.
Anyway I do still read every day. Sorry about the replies though. Damn computer and my funk.
Love you all