Update on my so called life.. on my twins request
Well the last couple months havent been great. I have been at one of my lowest points. My marriage also has been put to a test. I went way down with depression and anxiety and was at the point of not being able to even care about anything.
Alot started with my work. My schedule is way too much. I work about 200 hours a month. I love the job but go days without sleeping cause of my sleep disorder. The doctor had told me to quit shift work but I was kind of in a bind as Im getting a substantial raise and I have pension and benefits there and do like it.
Thing is I mentioned this to a few people at work and one who causes shit started a rumer that I was getting special hours right away and that THEY had to take over my nights. Didnt fly. I had to very immature people pissed at me. So...i was ready to quit too much going on in my life for that. But my boss talked to me..i was an asset. I cant let people like tht let me leave etc etc. So I stayed
Well Jim has been gone every weekend and even days during the week he has been driving the hour and half to his dads to help with harvest as his dad was starting another round of chemo/radiation tomorrow actually. So Jim has been stressed, gone and distant when he was here. I would try and talk to him and he was short tempered with me and making me feel like I was so weak for not being able to handle what was going on.
With this Brooke wasnt working...at a loss at what to do with her life. She started hairdressing and quit the first week making us lose money and was impossible for me to live and be with.
My mom is sick and they are testing her lungs for cancer or disease which scares me. Everyone around us has cancer. I have a aunt dying a horrible death from it right now. So Im scared.
I never see my kids or husband and got extremely low. Bad low. I took Jim with me to the doctor who upped my meds and got me set up with counseling. He was pretty worried about me and told Jim I couldnt help this and Jim needed to be more supportive etc. That helped.
I then got a 9-5 job offer but 2.50 an hour less, no benefits, no pension and no stat pay ( we get double time and half) but I did really really debate taking it as this is not working for my family. I totally love the guys that live in the group home and told Jim they are like my family and he said what about ours? So I phoned my boss said I was going to have to quit for my health reasons and my family was not doing well with this. She asked "what do I need to keep you?" So I told her that my doctor wanted no nights, consistant hours and no 12 hour shifts. She said no problem bring a note. I dont want to lose you. So I did. Which should now go over well with some others. She is changing the whole schedule though to appease others and I said I would work every sunday. My hours are either 9-3 or 3-9 sun, mon, tues and weds. I also cut down hours. Jim said he would rather put in more hours at his work where he makes more money and I be home more. fine with me..so my hours take effect Dec 1st..so thats a start
Jim is making a huge effort and Brooke got a job at Sears and has settled down some now that she has her own money etc.
With this they have found out my one kidney is only working 10%. My bladder has been constantly infected since I had Shay..so tomorrow i go for a cystoscopy. I camera in my bladder and a biopsy. Then they are trying to clear one tube to my right kidney and see whats up there. More biopsies. Then some dye tests and CAT scans. Im thrilled. My panic is taking being put out well.
So Im a little on overload. Feeling like the worst mother, wife, friend and a weak person for not being stronger. I hope counseling helps and I want Jim to come too...having more time at home will really help as will regular hours. I need to get out this hole. I swear alot of days I dont even see sunlight or my kids lately cause of work.
I do read everyones posts. Sorry Im not much of a friend though lately Im not much of a person.
Im off to surgery at 4am. Its day surgery though so send me no panic vibes.