One of those tired days

Aug 12, 2009 02:23

Ever hit a point in your life when you sit, stare at the ceiling, and wonder what you have to show for your life so far? If you died right that second, what would you be remembered for? How would you describe your life as it has been?

That moment hit me earlier this week, and it hasn't left since. I find myself just stopping and thinking, for long amounts of time in fact, about different aspects of my 21 years of life.

Have I spent it well?
What have I accomplished?
What have I failed at?
Is there something I regret?

The worst part is that my answers to said questions were not exactly pleasant to admit, even to myself. It is therapeutic however, to just admit and let out all my troubles, even if there is no one around to listen. Kinda of like when you have a really good cry, regardless of whether you know why you are crying or not, you feel like a weight as been lifted after.

I don't believe I've spent my life well so far. I have some moments I wouldn't trade for anything, but most of my life I believe has been wasted. I let my depression rule a good portion of it, about 9 years of my life in a closed off shell. It is only around January this year that I realized I no longer had negative thoughts about myself, nor did I feel empty. I do credit this to my graduation and to Jiannis. I'm in school for a new degree and he did break up with me, but the low, heavy, and at times, suicidal feelings I used to have don't exist or don't last long.

Among my accomplishments is a renewed sense of love for things I had once hated. My body, art, being social and confident, being with my family - I'm proud to say that I like them. More so, I'm discovering new things to enjoy as I go. I now take up the challenge of trying something I'd normally be scared of. I may come out of it still scared (like the swinging boat ride at amusement parks), but I at least tried it instead of looking from a distance and dismissing it. I'm most proud of the fact suicide isn't even considered when I find myself in a difficult life situation. I tell myself to bear with it or plow through it; those are my only options.

I have failed to get control of my life for too long.
I have failed to see my mother's sacrifices for too long.
I wish I had failed to see my father's lack of sacrifices earlier. We might have gotten along better a bit longer while I was still a kid.
I have failed myself in ways I hate to admit.
I have failed to be an understanding lover to someone that deserved better.

I regret more than anything that I failed notice these errors when it mattered most. I regret considering, even for a moment, that my life was not important. And on that note, I intend to never regret or apologize for my own existence.

I'll say it again. You do feel like a weight has been lifted afterward.
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