Ouran: Kaoru [Sacrifice]
I can't stop the Kaoru love...
Title: Sacrifice
Author: namistai8
Character/Pairing/Group: Kaoru, one-sided Kaoru/Haruhi, one-sided Hikaru-Haruhi
Rating: PG for angst
Disclaimer/Notes/Whatever: spoilers for ch.45 of the manga. Kaoru has problems sleeping.
You caress me, smoothly / Calm my fears and soothe me / Move your hands across me / Take my worries from me
I will sacrifice / I will sacrifice / All I have in life / To clear my conscience
T.A.T.U
He lay in bed staring at the ceiling. It seemed like more and more these nights, he didn't just fall asleep but stood on the verge of dreaming, and would walk between dreams and shadows. Some people would call these things waking nightmares but he knew that they would only be nightmares if they came to pass.
He feels so old these days. There's no other word for it really. Weary, worried and tired. He's too young to feel like this.
But not too young to feel in love.
He wonders if he had been better off before. It's a stupid rhetorical question. Ignorance isn't bliss. He knows that and has been keenly aware of the double-edge of knowledge. He knows he's better off now. Both of them are. He looks at the sleeping profile of Hikaru, traces his features in star light. He could probably trace them out in the darkness, his likeness, his other half, the other being without which his being isn't complete.
Love. Hikaru was the first person he has ever loved. Perhaps before himself. He's always been aware of himself and Hikaru. He can't separate either. Most people go back to the beginning, back to their first impressions of themselves. Well, Kaoru can't. He doesn't have an impression of himself. He has an impression of them. Connected. Together. He's never been alone. Hikaru has always been with him.
So why does he feel so alone in this? Why is he up at nights? Why can't he just leave things alone?
Because he's in love.
Is he? Is what he's feeling love? It's not the same feeling he has for Hikaru. It's not the same feeling he has for his parents. Can it be called love? Just because he thinks of her and wants to spend time with her doesn't mean that it's love.
These are the thoughts that buzz around Kaoru's head at night, ominously like carrion birds, looming over his attempts of peace and normalcy.
***
He doesn't know when he made the decision. It was probably a subconscious decision at first. He didn't speak of the previous thoughts he had with Hikaru when he had never kept anything from Hikaru before. He didn't know how he knew but instinctively his throat would feel solid like a boulder whenever he thought about bringing up the topic with Hikaru.
And because he was so aware of the changes, he could easily pick up the same changes in Hikaru, even when he didn't seem conscious of them.
He monitored the changes, noting each one and in every scenario they would present themselves in. And again, instinctively, he hoarded this knowledge to himself, each moment like a dull pearl that he would squirrel away.
***
He watches.
He watches him.
He watches her.
In silence.
His conscience beats painfully inside his chest, a shout cut-off, the darkness of eyes before they break into cry.
He keeps watching.
***
He looks at his waking nightmares, tracing their shape in the dark. Everything he has ever done, everything he has ever known has been with Hikaru. Why would it be any different now? Why does it have to be different now?
Because Hikaru wants it? Because she wants it?
Because he wants it for himself?
But things can't change. Not yet. Hikaru's not ready for change. Yet.
He's not ready for change yet either.
But Kaoru can feel it. Can feel the changes surrounding them, like great eddies in the current of their life. Swirling around him. Spinning around them.
***
Kaoru thought he had been very clever, very circumspect. That he had fooled everyone. His many worry had been Kyouya-sempai since he is the kind of guy that would notice something like this.
He didn't expect the blow to be delivered by Hunny-sempai.
"Kao-chan, do you like Haru-chan?" Hunny's bell-like voice and serious eyes pin him to the ground.
"Hunny-sempai," is all he can say before whatever else he was going to say withers on his tongue, dry leaves to be taken away by the wind of time. Years from now, he'll wonder what he might have said and how that might have changed things.
But he sees in those dark brown eyes his own reflection. Part of him wants to lie, part of him wants to run away, part of him wants to laugh, part of him wants to divert the attention else where. But part of him is compelled to answer. It is poor retribution to answer truth with a lie. And part of him wants to answer and give birth to everything that has laid in the darkness of his moon.
"Yeah," Kaoru says softly. With the assent comes truth, liberation, acknowledgment.... and betrayal. But at least this feels like a clean wound, instead of it all festering inside of him because he refused to recognize it. And in the light of the day, he can bleed cleanly and bind his wounds.
Yes, he likes her. Yes, he might love. Yes, he's fallen in love with her. Yes, yes, yes. All of them true.
All of them a betrayal. Every single feeling. Because he shouldn't feel it.
Not when Hikaru feels the same way toward Haruhi.
And Kaoru knows this, whatever he's feeling for Haruhi, is just a worthless feeling. Because he's not going to act on it. He's not going to do a single thing.
It's the penance for his sin.
Hunny's eyes look troubled at him but Kaoru knows that he's right. He refuses to go through like with a guilty conscience. He refuses to carry this sin around with him. If he has to remain silent, so be it.
Hikaru looks over at him and cocks his head to the side. Kaoru fakes a smile for him and Hikaru goes back to paying attention to Haruhi.
Author's Notes: I don't really know how the ending scene of chapter 45 ends, or rather, I don't know what Kaoru keeps telling Hunny because I can't read Japanese (I know enough words that I knew what Hunny was asking and what Kaoru answered). I made him feel incredibly guilty, and I was hoping to make thoughts a little more non-linear this time because he's thinking in the middle of the night, most of the time.
Feed the bunnies! Leave them carrots! comments! Show love to Kaoru... because you know you wanna!
Crossposted in ouran_host, ouranhostclub and ouran_fanfics
Title: Sacrifice
Author: namistai8
Character/Pairing/Group: Kaoru, one-sided Kaoru/Haruhi, one-sided Hikaru-Haruhi
Rating: PG for angst
Disclaimer/Notes/Whatever: spoilers for ch.45 of the manga. Kaoru has problems sleeping.
You caress me, smoothly / Calm my fears and soothe me / Move your hands across me / Take my worries from me
I will sacrifice / I will sacrifice / All I have in life / To clear my conscience
T.A.T.U
He lay in bed staring at the ceiling. It seemed like more and more these nights, he didn't just fall asleep but stood on the verge of dreaming, and would walk between dreams and shadows. Some people would call these things waking nightmares but he knew that they would only be nightmares if they came to pass.
He feels so old these days. There's no other word for it really. Weary, worried and tired. He's too young to feel like this.
But not too young to feel in love.
He wonders if he had been better off before. It's a stupid rhetorical question. Ignorance isn't bliss. He knows that and has been keenly aware of the double-edge of knowledge. He knows he's better off now. Both of them are. He looks at the sleeping profile of Hikaru, traces his features in star light. He could probably trace them out in the darkness, his likeness, his other half, the other being without which his being isn't complete.
Love. Hikaru was the first person he has ever loved. Perhaps before himself. He's always been aware of himself and Hikaru. He can't separate either. Most people go back to the beginning, back to their first impressions of themselves. Well, Kaoru can't. He doesn't have an impression of himself. He has an impression of them. Connected. Together. He's never been alone. Hikaru has always been with him.
So why does he feel so alone in this? Why is he up at nights? Why can't he just leave things alone?
Because he's in love.
Is he? Is what he's feeling love? It's not the same feeling he has for Hikaru. It's not the same feeling he has for his parents. Can it be called love? Just because he thinks of her and wants to spend time with her doesn't mean that it's love.
These are the thoughts that buzz around Kaoru's head at night, ominously like carrion birds, looming over his attempts of peace and normalcy.
***
He doesn't know when he made the decision. It was probably a subconscious decision at first. He didn't speak of the previous thoughts he had with Hikaru when he had never kept anything from Hikaru before. He didn't know how he knew but instinctively his throat would feel solid like a boulder whenever he thought about bringing up the topic with Hikaru.
And because he was so aware of the changes, he could easily pick up the same changes in Hikaru, even when he didn't seem conscious of them.
He monitored the changes, noting each one and in every scenario they would present themselves in. And again, instinctively, he hoarded this knowledge to himself, each moment like a dull pearl that he would squirrel away.
***
He watches.
He watches him.
He watches her.
In silence.
His conscience beats painfully inside his chest, a shout cut-off, the darkness of eyes before they break into cry.
He keeps watching.
***
He looks at his waking nightmares, tracing their shape in the dark. Everything he has ever done, everything he has ever known has been with Hikaru. Why would it be any different now? Why does it have to be different now?
Because Hikaru wants it? Because she wants it?
Because he wants it for himself?
But things can't change. Not yet. Hikaru's not ready for change. Yet.
He's not ready for change yet either.
But Kaoru can feel it. Can feel the changes surrounding them, like great eddies in the current of their life. Swirling around him. Spinning around them.
***
Kaoru thought he had been very clever, very circumspect. That he had fooled everyone. His many worry had been Kyouya-sempai since he is the kind of guy that would notice something like this.
He didn't expect the blow to be delivered by Hunny-sempai.
"Kao-chan, do you like Haru-chan?" Hunny's bell-like voice and serious eyes pin him to the ground.
"Hunny-sempai," is all he can say before whatever else he was going to say withers on his tongue, dry leaves to be taken away by the wind of time. Years from now, he'll wonder what he might have said and how that might have changed things.
But he sees in those dark brown eyes his own reflection. Part of him wants to lie, part of him wants to run away, part of him wants to laugh, part of him wants to divert the attention else where. But part of him is compelled to answer. It is poor retribution to answer truth with a lie. And part of him wants to answer and give birth to everything that has laid in the darkness of his moon.
"Yeah," Kaoru says softly. With the assent comes truth, liberation, acknowledgment.... and betrayal. But at least this feels like a clean wound, instead of it all festering inside of him because he refused to recognize it. And in the light of the day, he can bleed cleanly and bind his wounds.
Yes, he likes her. Yes, he might love. Yes, he's fallen in love with her. Yes, yes, yes. All of them true.
All of them a betrayal. Every single feeling. Because he shouldn't feel it.
Not when Hikaru feels the same way toward Haruhi.
And Kaoru knows this, whatever he's feeling for Haruhi, is just a worthless feeling. Because he's not going to act on it. He's not going to do a single thing.
It's the penance for his sin.
Hunny's eyes look troubled at him but Kaoru knows that he's right. He refuses to go through like with a guilty conscience. He refuses to carry this sin around with him. If he has to remain silent, so be it.
Hikaru looks over at him and cocks his head to the side. Kaoru fakes a smile for him and Hikaru goes back to paying attention to Haruhi.
Author's Notes: I don't really know how the ending scene of chapter 45 ends, or rather, I don't know what Kaoru keeps telling Hunny because I can't read Japanese (I know enough words that I knew what Hunny was asking and what Kaoru answered). I made him feel incredibly guilty, and I was hoping to make thoughts a little more non-linear this time because he's thinking in the middle of the night, most of the time.
Feed the bunnies! Leave them carrots! comments! Show love to Kaoru... because you know you wanna!
Crossposted in ouran_host, ouranhostclub and ouran_fanfics