and i ramble and ramble and ramble and nothing ever changes. and it hurts.
today was sort of better.
last night i tormented myself by looking at my grades on the internet. but it was necessary. i need to lock and load for this week. i really hope all my work will reflect my grades.
or maybe that's a bad thing..
finished Uncle Tom's Cabin. absolutely amazing. kind of slow, but amazing. you need to have patience with it, but the things i learned were well worth it. i mean, i cried. heavy stuff, slavery is. although i would be completely truthful if i said old uncle tom was the only thing on my mind when i cried. life continues to torment me. i miss my brother being at school. i miss him being the only one willing to give me a daily hug that i need so much right now.
god, i want a hug from him right now.
but i got my licence a week or two ago. so my rightful liberties are making things a little bit better. its such a relief that whenever i get into a car, i dont need to be politely questioned relentlessly, and then hear her complain about my silence anymore. praise the lord. and thank god i can play my own music. THANK GOD.
there was this really hot teacher's assistant in school today for reasons i still dont understand. all the stupid eighth grader were literally hanging off of him, and actually took pictures with him. disgusting. i cant wait to comment when they put the pictures up. it should be a good time. although i would be lying if i said he wasnt gorgeous. because he is. and it was really all the energy and confidence that won the school over. i met him and he is as sweet as pie, and not going to lie, i got really excited. not totally my type (which is weird saying considering he's probably 22 or something. which isnt THAT old compared to me. maybe thats wishful thinking). but i found it really fun to watch as people literally turned their heads once he passed. i heard the lunch lady cried.
and that last one wasnt even a joke.
am i done rambling my feelings yet? well, who cares anyway. no one will read this. which is sort of nice to consider.
im going to continue. im listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley right now. and it reminds me of Ali up on stage a few nights before my life changed forever, breaking my heart as she sang with her guitar. i am so blessed that i became close to her this summer. i used to be scared of her. but she was actually the only person actually listened to me, wasnt offended in some ridiculous way, and gave me actual, honest-to-god support that wasnt strictly polite or selfish. i mean, i cried while we were talking. i never do that. im pretty sure she's the only one who has ever experienced this. god this past summer was bitter-sweet. so much hate. so much jealously. but yet so much admiration, love, and reverence. it was enough to split me in two. and that is what it almost did to me. but i pulled through. because it was my duty to my team as captain and leader, even if the other girl tried to bring me down. only lucy was really only the supportive one; a drastic change from last year. and i really dont know what i would have done without her. and nicolette. god i love her. i couldnt have chosen a better opposing captain in all my life. what she and i went through can only be understood by those in the past. i think she had it a little easier though. she had a solid set of friends, including me of course. for me, my LC red teammates were jealous and caniving in a way that i never thought possible. and ive finally realized that this jealously is not my ego or a fragment of my imagination. samantha really does shake with jealously and disdain. let me make this clear that her jealously is not me per say. but of what ive won, achieved, and given to the team. i hadn't of won captain, i would have been bitter, yes. but her behavior was and is ridiculous. everyday i wanted to claw my skin off, relieve that pain that pinned me from every angle. and the source of it was her. and i can only hope that she can learn and move on. i could go on and on and on about this summer, but i will spare you non-existant reader, for i feel too much for my own good.
on a more confusing note im still confused by him. god. im such a tease.
last night i tormented myself by looking at my grades on the internet. but it was necessary. i need to lock and load for this week. i really hope all my work will reflect my grades.
or maybe that's a bad thing..
finished Uncle Tom's Cabin. absolutely amazing. kind of slow, but amazing. you need to have patience with it, but the things i learned were well worth it. i mean, i cried. heavy stuff, slavery is. although i would be completely truthful if i said old uncle tom was the only thing on my mind when i cried. life continues to torment me. i miss my brother being at school. i miss him being the only one willing to give me a daily hug that i need so much right now.
god, i want a hug from him right now.
but i got my licence a week or two ago. so my rightful liberties are making things a little bit better. its such a relief that whenever i get into a car, i dont need to be politely questioned relentlessly, and then hear her complain about my silence anymore. praise the lord. and thank god i can play my own music. THANK GOD.
there was this really hot teacher's assistant in school today for reasons i still dont understand. all the stupid eighth grader were literally hanging off of him, and actually took pictures with him. disgusting. i cant wait to comment when they put the pictures up. it should be a good time. although i would be lying if i said he wasnt gorgeous. because he is. and it was really all the energy and confidence that won the school over. i met him and he is as sweet as pie, and not going to lie, i got really excited. not totally my type (which is weird saying considering he's probably 22 or something. which isnt THAT old compared to me. maybe thats wishful thinking). but i found it really fun to watch as people literally turned their heads once he passed. i heard the lunch lady cried.
and that last one wasnt even a joke.
am i done rambling my feelings yet? well, who cares anyway. no one will read this. which is sort of nice to consider.
im going to continue. im listening to Hallelujah by Jeff Buckley right now. and it reminds me of Ali up on stage a few nights before my life changed forever, breaking my heart as she sang with her guitar. i am so blessed that i became close to her this summer. i used to be scared of her. but she was actually the only person actually listened to me, wasnt offended in some ridiculous way, and gave me actual, honest-to-god support that wasnt strictly polite or selfish. i mean, i cried while we were talking. i never do that. im pretty sure she's the only one who has ever experienced this. god this past summer was bitter-sweet. so much hate. so much jealously. but yet so much admiration, love, and reverence. it was enough to split me in two. and that is what it almost did to me. but i pulled through. because it was my duty to my team as captain and leader, even if the other girl tried to bring me down. only lucy was really only the supportive one; a drastic change from last year. and i really dont know what i would have done without her. and nicolette. god i love her. i couldnt have chosen a better opposing captain in all my life. what she and i went through can only be understood by those in the past. i think she had it a little easier though. she had a solid set of friends, including me of course. for me, my LC red teammates were jealous and caniving in a way that i never thought possible. and ive finally realized that this jealously is not my ego or a fragment of my imagination. samantha really does shake with jealously and disdain. let me make this clear that her jealously is not me per say. but of what ive won, achieved, and given to the team. i hadn't of won captain, i would have been bitter, yes. but her behavior was and is ridiculous. everyday i wanted to claw my skin off, relieve that pain that pinned me from every angle. and the source of it was her. and i can only hope that she can learn and move on. i could go on and on and on about this summer, but i will spare you non-existant reader, for i feel too much for my own good.
on a more confusing note im still confused by him. god. im such a tease.