worst feeling
I know i havent written for a while but whenever I get the chance to, i always decide not to write last minute.
I got a job at Hollywood Video and started on Monday, its really awesome so far due to two co-workers which whom I hung out with after work tonight. today i just walked over to the holy land where Planes was practicing and some other band was making merch. i went to work at 6-1AM tonight and Shane brought me dinner from his restaurant which was really awesome. We(my co-workers and their friends) went to this bar down the block that has happy hour ALL DAY and 50 cent PBR's and $2 well drinks. thats pretty cheap, man. We went to get food on our way to another bar but just ended up hanging out there eating pizza and havin good times, I do think that one of my co-workers has a bit crush on me since i know these signs that guys have when they like someone, but im going to try to convince myself that he doesnt, i think it was just the way he said, "hey,uh,you should have my number and you should call me sometime i have the next 3 days off" which is pretty normal but the tone of it was eh. anyway,hes super rad and fun to work with and maybe im just imagining things.
On thursday the 12th of this month, i got a message from a person (lucas) i have met once at my house and he was away on tour, the next day him and his friends from the holy land came for friday the 13th. i know them all and my roomates are all really really good friends with them but I myself never really got to hang out with them and they are probably one of the coolest sets of people i have met and hung out with in seattle. i since then have hung out with them a lot and their house is super rad and fun. i played punk rock kick ball on that sunday with them but missed last monday since i got out of work too late. oh well. tomorrow it will happen and i get off at 6 so it should be really fun. i am really starting to like seattle more and more except the rainy weather which i just have to dress appropriately for.
lately i have been getting a bit sad because a certain person but i just hang out with Lucas and he understands. sometimes i just get so quiet and dont do things and leave the Holy Land and go home and it totally sucks when I get like that. i have been feeling a bit lonely and incomplete lately but its until someone cheers me up. i seriously just hate feeling that way until i actually talk to that person again. i always just wonder the what ifs and in a way it just brings me down even more. i do hide it well but sometimes i seem so blank Jon always wonders if im ok. today, i was thinking of ideas for paintings for people and every time i think of that person i still feel a bit sad although we are complete friends but under the circumstances on how it ended its just a void now that leaves me looking stupid because im always staring off in space thinking about it. i think i just needed to vent a little bit more on the whole situation and how its starting to make my feelings decay even to this day. i cant be completely happy with a guy who really likes me and is really nice and a good friend and although im trying to move on, i do feel myself holding back for the what ifs and hope for the future although its never going to happen and the fact that i know its never going to happen. i think i just need to talk to a girl about this shit because hanging out with guys all the time and only seeing my girl roomate and katherine from the holy land its never time for that talk and its usually time to have a good time.
i actually should be sleeping right now because i have to wake up in a few hours to go back to work but oh well. i think i just needed to get this off my chest, its like a ton of bricks just pounding on me and only getting heavier. im really trying hard and i think im actually doing a good job of it but i have never never never been that much in love with someone and can just forget in a short span. i know im strong and im getting a lot better but i seem to get stuck when im alone, because all i do is think and worry and think and think and think. nothing makes me happy until someone cheers me up and talks to me and gets my mind off things. that or if im painting or reading or doing something productive; idleness makes my mind go crazy.
it feels like im on stage 1 all over again but theres no crying anymore, just lots of thinking and heavy thoughts and its major shit.
i have met so many awesome new people who are so nice and rad and i know guys are into me because they have told me and i know that should make me happy and a step forward but i really am stuck on pause. a new relationship in my state would just another thing to keep up with that i dont want to do although they are rad and am friends still. shit fuck shit fuck what the hell is wrong with me that i cannot move on? seriously. its so shitty feeling like this and thinking about the same thing and wondering what their doing and still being in the mindset of being with them. its so fucking shitty fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit damn motherfucker shit fuck man. this is so stupid. im not a fucking child. i have awesome things going for me and am surrounded by awesome people but this isnt making me fully happy. i think i need to let go but i have no idea how. i always think atleast i have them as a friend and i dont care what they do but i still cannot do it. its been such a long time and i was doing fine until recently. i am so frustrated with myself. its the one thing thats holding me from being completely happy.
jesus, i should have said yes another drink.
i think i need to see old faces.
on another note, my friends are moving to portland, Nichole called me last wednesday to tell me they got an apartment. i was the first to receive the call about it because she had to tell me and was told that jon and i had to be there and i will be hopefully there to greet them right when they come through.
also, house shows and zine emporiums are coming up and just being with new people and going out with a new person every now and then or meeting for coffee is really nice. its the really small things that really do make me happy but its that stupid big chunk thats keeping it from being complete.
i also think its this weather thats making me feel really sad.
i got a tattoo of the Tapatio dude on my forearm. it looks really rad and i get tons of compliments on it because of the coloring. its really clean and beautiful, like the tapatio dude. he's so jolly.
i feel much better, no one reads my thing anyway so i just vent. its nice. i hope the world is doing awesome. i need to relieve some stress by going to a show. hopefully the one this week is rad and fun, which im sure it will be since the people are. its almost 4AM, i work at 11. oh well.
I got a job at Hollywood Video and started on Monday, its really awesome so far due to two co-workers which whom I hung out with after work tonight. today i just walked over to the holy land where Planes was practicing and some other band was making merch. i went to work at 6-1AM tonight and Shane brought me dinner from his restaurant which was really awesome. We(my co-workers and their friends) went to this bar down the block that has happy hour ALL DAY and 50 cent PBR's and $2 well drinks. thats pretty cheap, man. We went to get food on our way to another bar but just ended up hanging out there eating pizza and havin good times, I do think that one of my co-workers has a bit crush on me since i know these signs that guys have when they like someone, but im going to try to convince myself that he doesnt, i think it was just the way he said, "hey,uh,you should have my number and you should call me sometime i have the next 3 days off" which is pretty normal but the tone of it was eh. anyway,hes super rad and fun to work with and maybe im just imagining things.
On thursday the 12th of this month, i got a message from a person (lucas) i have met once at my house and he was away on tour, the next day him and his friends from the holy land came for friday the 13th. i know them all and my roomates are all really really good friends with them but I myself never really got to hang out with them and they are probably one of the coolest sets of people i have met and hung out with in seattle. i since then have hung out with them a lot and their house is super rad and fun. i played punk rock kick ball on that sunday with them but missed last monday since i got out of work too late. oh well. tomorrow it will happen and i get off at 6 so it should be really fun. i am really starting to like seattle more and more except the rainy weather which i just have to dress appropriately for.
lately i have been getting a bit sad because a certain person but i just hang out with Lucas and he understands. sometimes i just get so quiet and dont do things and leave the Holy Land and go home and it totally sucks when I get like that. i have been feeling a bit lonely and incomplete lately but its until someone cheers me up. i seriously just hate feeling that way until i actually talk to that person again. i always just wonder the what ifs and in a way it just brings me down even more. i do hide it well but sometimes i seem so blank Jon always wonders if im ok. today, i was thinking of ideas for paintings for people and every time i think of that person i still feel a bit sad although we are complete friends but under the circumstances on how it ended its just a void now that leaves me looking stupid because im always staring off in space thinking about it. i think i just needed to vent a little bit more on the whole situation and how its starting to make my feelings decay even to this day. i cant be completely happy with a guy who really likes me and is really nice and a good friend and although im trying to move on, i do feel myself holding back for the what ifs and hope for the future although its never going to happen and the fact that i know its never going to happen. i think i just need to talk to a girl about this shit because hanging out with guys all the time and only seeing my girl roomate and katherine from the holy land its never time for that talk and its usually time to have a good time.
i actually should be sleeping right now because i have to wake up in a few hours to go back to work but oh well. i think i just needed to get this off my chest, its like a ton of bricks just pounding on me and only getting heavier. im really trying hard and i think im actually doing a good job of it but i have never never never been that much in love with someone and can just forget in a short span. i know im strong and im getting a lot better but i seem to get stuck when im alone, because all i do is think and worry and think and think and think. nothing makes me happy until someone cheers me up and talks to me and gets my mind off things. that or if im painting or reading or doing something productive; idleness makes my mind go crazy.
it feels like im on stage 1 all over again but theres no crying anymore, just lots of thinking and heavy thoughts and its major shit.
i have met so many awesome new people who are so nice and rad and i know guys are into me because they have told me and i know that should make me happy and a step forward but i really am stuck on pause. a new relationship in my state would just another thing to keep up with that i dont want to do although they are rad and am friends still. shit fuck shit fuck what the hell is wrong with me that i cannot move on? seriously. its so shitty feeling like this and thinking about the same thing and wondering what their doing and still being in the mindset of being with them. its so fucking shitty fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck shit damn motherfucker shit fuck man. this is so stupid. im not a fucking child. i have awesome things going for me and am surrounded by awesome people but this isnt making me fully happy. i think i need to let go but i have no idea how. i always think atleast i have them as a friend and i dont care what they do but i still cannot do it. its been such a long time and i was doing fine until recently. i am so frustrated with myself. its the one thing thats holding me from being completely happy.
jesus, i should have said yes another drink.
i think i need to see old faces.
on another note, my friends are moving to portland, Nichole called me last wednesday to tell me they got an apartment. i was the first to receive the call about it because she had to tell me and was told that jon and i had to be there and i will be hopefully there to greet them right when they come through.
also, house shows and zine emporiums are coming up and just being with new people and going out with a new person every now and then or meeting for coffee is really nice. its the really small things that really do make me happy but its that stupid big chunk thats keeping it from being complete.
i also think its this weather thats making me feel really sad.
i got a tattoo of the Tapatio dude on my forearm. it looks really rad and i get tons of compliments on it because of the coloring. its really clean and beautiful, like the tapatio dude. he's so jolly.
i feel much better, no one reads my thing anyway so i just vent. its nice. i hope the world is doing awesome. i need to relieve some stress by going to a show. hopefully the one this week is rad and fun, which im sure it will be since the people are. its almost 4AM, i work at 11. oh well.