The Last of the Toilet Paper
Prologue:
I had just used the last of the toilet paper. There was no more. None
in the men’s bathroom. None stocked in the closet. There might have
been some in the woman’s bathroom but I’m no peeping-tom pervert, let
alone a thief. Not even a box of tissues to be used until the toilet
paper was restocked. So I lifted the top of the toilet paper
dispenser, exposing its emptiness to the world. And this emptiness
brought with it a dire warning:
“To he who dare sit upon this throne - you best come prepared”
Chapter 1: An Uneventful Morning
It was an uneventful Wednesday morning at an uneventful IT company.
The uneventful employees straggled in to work by 10. A few brought
uneventful breakfasts of bananas and supermarket sushi to eat as they
read their uneventful morning emails.
Emails read of suggestions to improve company’s home page, such as
updating the news at least once a month. Emails read of hope for a new
business strategy, a strategy that mirrors far more successful
companies like Amazon and Google. Emails read of plans for the New
Year’s party and the 30 dollars per month, per employee, that will be
collected to fund it.
But one email was different. Marked by a certain candor, it was far
more personable than its brethren. The author was a man in his early
40s who had a wife and a young child. He had recently returned with
them from over 8 years abroad. He brought with him an air of wisdom,
experience, and responsibility that could only come from surviving
such a long time in the cruel, untamed wilderness of Canada.
Chapter 2: The Email
To: Everyone
From: The 40 year old
Subject: 2nd Floor Men’s Bathroom Toilet Paper
Dear Everyone,
Today I used the men’s bathroom on the second floor, and to my
surprise there was no toilet paper! I looked in the closet, where the
toilet paper is usually stored, but there was none there either. The
only toilet paper I could find was 3 rolls stored in the women’s
bathroom. I took two of these rolls and put them in men’s bathroom.
To Mrs. Secretary: Could you please order some new toilet paper for
the company?
To Whoever Uses the Last of the Toilet Paper: Could you please be
sure to restock the bathroom’s toilet paper?
Thank you,
Mr. Employee
Chapter 3: The Only Response
From: The Secretary
To: The 40 year old
Cc: All
Subject: RE: 2nd Floor Men’s Bathroom Toilet Paper
> There was no toilet paper in the closet.
I’ll go buy some right away.
> Please replace the toilet paper
That is good manners, isn’t it?
Epilogue:
We all make mistakes from time to time. We forget to tie our shoes, we
leave the milk out, or we forget it is the only day of the month where
we can take out the glass to be recycled.
As we age, and as we experience these mistakes from year to year, we
are expected to gain experience and wisdom. After over 40 years of
life, one would suspect this wisdom to include the simple idea of
checking for the existence of toilet paper before you get yourself in
an embarrassing situation of which toilet paper is your only escape.
And if such wisdom happens to evade you one day you have a choice. You
have the choice to accept your shame, your embarrassment, your humiliation
- and to keep it to yourself. You also have the choice to share your misfortune
with others.
Maybe the man was right and the secretary should have restocked the
toilet paper earlier. Maybe the man was right and the user of the last
of the toilet paper should have replenished the supply. Maybe the
secretary was right and that it would be good manners to do so. Maybe
the company should have installed one of those high-tech heated toilet
seats with a bidet, rendering toilet paper obsolete.
But whoever was right or wrong, one thing is certain. From this day
forward, the 40 year old man will not be known for the image
processing software he’s constructing. He will not as a loving husband
and father. Thanks to the email written by this man’s very hands, he
will be known as only one thing: Mr. Poopie Bottom.
I had just used the last of the toilet paper. There was no more. None
in the men’s bathroom. None stocked in the closet. There might have
been some in the woman’s bathroom but I’m no peeping-tom pervert, let
alone a thief. Not even a box of tissues to be used until the toilet
paper was restocked. So I lifted the top of the toilet paper
dispenser, exposing its emptiness to the world. And this emptiness
brought with it a dire warning:
“To he who dare sit upon this throne - you best come prepared”
Chapter 1: An Uneventful Morning
It was an uneventful Wednesday morning at an uneventful IT company.
The uneventful employees straggled in to work by 10. A few brought
uneventful breakfasts of bananas and supermarket sushi to eat as they
read their uneventful morning emails.
Emails read of suggestions to improve company’s home page, such as
updating the news at least once a month. Emails read of hope for a new
business strategy, a strategy that mirrors far more successful
companies like Amazon and Google. Emails read of plans for the New
Year’s party and the 30 dollars per month, per employee, that will be
collected to fund it.
But one email was different. Marked by a certain candor, it was far
more personable than its brethren. The author was a man in his early
40s who had a wife and a young child. He had recently returned with
them from over 8 years abroad. He brought with him an air of wisdom,
experience, and responsibility that could only come from surviving
such a long time in the cruel, untamed wilderness of Canada.
Chapter 2: The Email
To: Everyone
From: The 40 year old
Subject: 2nd Floor Men’s Bathroom Toilet Paper
Dear Everyone,
Today I used the men’s bathroom on the second floor, and to my
surprise there was no toilet paper! I looked in the closet, where the
toilet paper is usually stored, but there was none there either. The
only toilet paper I could find was 3 rolls stored in the women’s
bathroom. I took two of these rolls and put them in men’s bathroom.
To Mrs. Secretary: Could you please order some new toilet paper for
the company?
To Whoever Uses the Last of the Toilet Paper: Could you please be
sure to restock the bathroom’s toilet paper?
Thank you,
Mr. Employee
Chapter 3: The Only Response
From: The Secretary
To: The 40 year old
Cc: All
Subject: RE: 2nd Floor Men’s Bathroom Toilet Paper
> There was no toilet paper in the closet.
I’ll go buy some right away.
> Please replace the toilet paper
That is good manners, isn’t it?
Epilogue:
We all make mistakes from time to time. We forget to tie our shoes, we
leave the milk out, or we forget it is the only day of the month where
we can take out the glass to be recycled.
As we age, and as we experience these mistakes from year to year, we
are expected to gain experience and wisdom. After over 40 years of
life, one would suspect this wisdom to include the simple idea of
checking for the existence of toilet paper before you get yourself in
an embarrassing situation of which toilet paper is your only escape.
And if such wisdom happens to evade you one day you have a choice. You
have the choice to accept your shame, your embarrassment, your humiliation
- and to keep it to yourself. You also have the choice to share your misfortune
with others.
Maybe the man was right and the secretary should have restocked the
toilet paper earlier. Maybe the man was right and the user of the last
of the toilet paper should have replenished the supply. Maybe the
secretary was right and that it would be good manners to do so. Maybe
the company should have installed one of those high-tech heated toilet
seats with a bidet, rendering toilet paper obsolete.
But whoever was right or wrong, one thing is certain. From this day
forward, the 40 year old man will not be known for the image
processing software he’s constructing. He will not as a loving husband
and father. Thanks to the email written by this man’s very hands, he
will be known as only one thing: Mr. Poopie Bottom.