Sometimes I just need to rant..
I know it is a miracle! I have not written in this thing for over a year but I am feeling like my mind is going to explode for some reason so I followed suit of what Mark did the other night, and decided it was time maybe I did the same in updating this in hopes of maybe it making me feel a bit better like it did so many times in the past..
So let me begin... The past couple of days I just seem to be in worst of moods and I can not really explain why.. The only logical explanation could be that I have all these problems, which I know are minor to everyone else, just whirling around my mind torturing me. Now I also know I tend to over react about things and stress myself out more then I really need to.. though I do hide it well when I need to.
The first thing that has been haunting me even more so lately is some of my friendships that just seem to be going down the drain. I have lost contact with one of the most important people that has ever been in my life. My Bambino.. I have not even gotten so much as a message on AIM or even through (dare I say it) Myspace sense I last saw him back in July. I miss him so much and I wish I still meant as much as I use to to him. But it almost seems like a worthless effort to keep trying so I gave up in hopes of maybe him still missing me..
Also my best friend Heather and her ex Tim have gotten back together.. Usually something like this may be considered a good thing but not this time.. About maybe.. two months ago... he got very drunk and beat her very badly. I have not liked him from the start but this pushed me over the edge. and now she is back with him.. and had been hiding it from me and everyone else. I just do not understand why she would do that... But, I can not control her I just want him away from me and to never see him again. I feel like I am losing my best friend and I have no real control over it.. The fact I refuse to be around her boyfriend and she doesnt want to be around mine because of Tim is just making things so much harder from keeping it from happening..
And then of course Mark, Who I love more than anything.. but even that seems to be less than perfect lately.. I am not sure what I am doing wrong and/or what he is doing wrong but things just seem to be messy at times when everything use to be so perfect...
And last with the relationship portion of this essay... I miss our little group that has seemed to already of fallen apart.. This summer was so perfect with the five of us always together and it just seemed to disappear due to alot of events that have been happening and alot has to do with some of the things I already ranted about.
lastly.... One of the few things that are going well for me even feel shaky and I do not understand why I keep doing what I do to myself.
I have a new job at Claire's as a keyholder. The job is decent money that is not very hard. Still.. I find myself questioning if I am doing something wrong. I am so awkward around new people and as hard as I try to hide it.. I think it still shows. I question all the time if my new coworkers really like me and wonder what they say when I am not around, sense everyone seems to talk about everyone there. I get nervous and screw up sometimes even when I know what I am doing just because it is all new and weird to me still even though I have been there a little over a month. I wonder if I should have just stayed at Justice where it seemed safe sense I never had any questions or made any dumb mistakes.
Well.. I think I have complained enough for one evening. I guess the point of all this was I just have alot of thoughts and questions that I seem to need answers to. Though I never write in here anymore so I would not doubt it if no one bothers to read it, but thats alright. I still feel as though I got it off my chest.
If you did read this I am amazed you actually sat though it all and thanks for hearing me whine for however long it took to read
So let me begin... The past couple of days I just seem to be in worst of moods and I can not really explain why.. The only logical explanation could be that I have all these problems, which I know are minor to everyone else, just whirling around my mind torturing me. Now I also know I tend to over react about things and stress myself out more then I really need to.. though I do hide it well when I need to.
The first thing that has been haunting me even more so lately is some of my friendships that just seem to be going down the drain. I have lost contact with one of the most important people that has ever been in my life. My Bambino.. I have not even gotten so much as a message on AIM or even through (dare I say it) Myspace sense I last saw him back in July. I miss him so much and I wish I still meant as much as I use to to him. But it almost seems like a worthless effort to keep trying so I gave up in hopes of maybe him still missing me..
Also my best friend Heather and her ex Tim have gotten back together.. Usually something like this may be considered a good thing but not this time.. About maybe.. two months ago... he got very drunk and beat her very badly. I have not liked him from the start but this pushed me over the edge. and now she is back with him.. and had been hiding it from me and everyone else. I just do not understand why she would do that... But, I can not control her I just want him away from me and to never see him again. I feel like I am losing my best friend and I have no real control over it.. The fact I refuse to be around her boyfriend and she doesnt want to be around mine because of Tim is just making things so much harder from keeping it from happening..
And then of course Mark, Who I love more than anything.. but even that seems to be less than perfect lately.. I am not sure what I am doing wrong and/or what he is doing wrong but things just seem to be messy at times when everything use to be so perfect...
And last with the relationship portion of this essay... I miss our little group that has seemed to already of fallen apart.. This summer was so perfect with the five of us always together and it just seemed to disappear due to alot of events that have been happening and alot has to do with some of the things I already ranted about.
lastly.... One of the few things that are going well for me even feel shaky and I do not understand why I keep doing what I do to myself.
I have a new job at Claire's as a keyholder. The job is decent money that is not very hard. Still.. I find myself questioning if I am doing something wrong. I am so awkward around new people and as hard as I try to hide it.. I think it still shows. I question all the time if my new coworkers really like me and wonder what they say when I am not around, sense everyone seems to talk about everyone there. I get nervous and screw up sometimes even when I know what I am doing just because it is all new and weird to me still even though I have been there a little over a month. I wonder if I should have just stayed at Justice where it seemed safe sense I never had any questions or made any dumb mistakes.
Well.. I think I have complained enough for one evening. I guess the point of all this was I just have alot of thoughts and questions that I seem to need answers to. Though I never write in here anymore so I would not doubt it if no one bothers to read it, but thats alright. I still feel as though I got it off my chest.
If you did read this I am amazed you actually sat though it all and thanks for hearing me whine for however long it took to read