(no subject)
So I just got back from Tennessee, and am now safely snuggled back in Portlandia. This is not entirely true. At the time that I am able to post this entry, I will indeed be in snuggled back in Portlandia, but at the moment I am 30,000 some odd feet above the ground in an explosive tube of death. So its possible that at the time that the first sentence would have been true I will be dead and broken amidst several smoking tons of twisted fuselage. If this turns out to be the case, then you will not be reading this, unless of course you are some sort of time-traveling Space Cowboy, or perhaps a trans-dimensional robot bent on the a posteriori domination of all emanations of the divine barbello. If you are the former, Yeehaw. If you are the latter, good luck, asshole.
Megalomaniac ultra-intelligences aside, Tennessee was fun. I got to do things. Things which were good. Hoo boy the things I did. God damn! Things like DAMN! Steev was there.
In case you were wondering, Squarepusher's new album, Ultravisitor, is fantasmographic.
Kansas City has the worst airport I have ever seen in America. Its terrible. Poorly designed. full of boobies. Not the feminine pectoral gland or the bird, but the bad kind of boobies.
Speaking of birds, when concocting a deliberately annoying comment for ms nikki, I discovered that california Condors have an average wingspan of 9.5 feet! That a fuckload of feet! Not only that, but they are descended from an extinct kind of condor that had an average wingspan of 17.5 feet!! CHRIST!!! What would you do if you looked up and saw a bird that was 3+ times as long as you were tall? Shoot it, thats what you would do!! This is why those condors are extinct. May they rest in peace, I'm sure they were delicious.
I have 4 days left of teenagerhood. Upon careful reflection, I find that I have little to no opinion on this fact.
A few days ago, a friend of mine and I engaged in a careful scientific study of bottle smashing in the context of bar fighting. This procedure is also known as going "Thumbs down." This experiment was prompted at dinner. Upon examining two glass bottle on a table, one of which was empty, the other of which was approximately 19.32742% full, I posited the query as to which bottle would be better suited for bar fightistry. I recalled a theory I had heard in prep school to the effect that if a bottle is completely empty, upon smashage it would disintegrate in ones hands, causing it to be a sub par "Stabinator" or "Cutlotron" to use the technical terms. In contrast, as the theory goes, if the bottle were to have liquid in it, it would smash scrumtrelescently and be well-suited to bloodletting. Needless to say, my colleagues were intrigued. We promptly decided that after dinner we would purchase several bottles of Cola-drink and test the theory as best as we were able. The end results were not as conclusive as I might have liked, but were illuminating nonetheless. Apparently, completely empty bottles and bottles with liquid in them do not differ greatly in the manner of their smashing. However, all those present agreed that it is certainly preferable for to use a bottle containing liquid, as it causes the smashing to be more visually dramatic in addition to producing a much more euphonious sound. I am currently seeking grants to fund further research.
If someone on this plane were to spontaneously combust, we would all be fucked. How would the screen for that in airports? Adding "Have you recently made enemies with any practitioners of the black arts?" to the list of security questions? Putting up signs that read " Please refrain from inexplicably raising your body temperature to over 5000 degrees, deconstructing your body into its composite elements leaving nothing behind but a small pile of carbon ash during take off and landing." I mean, that might get a few of them, but a couple would still slip through and then where are we going to be? It seems clear to me that nobody will ever be safe on an airplane until arabs are banned from airports.
My battery is dying. Toodeloo, bitches!
Megalomaniac ultra-intelligences aside, Tennessee was fun. I got to do things. Things which were good. Hoo boy the things I did. God damn! Things like DAMN! Steev was there.
In case you were wondering, Squarepusher's new album, Ultravisitor, is fantasmographic.
Kansas City has the worst airport I have ever seen in America. Its terrible. Poorly designed. full of boobies. Not the feminine pectoral gland or the bird, but the bad kind of boobies.
Speaking of birds, when concocting a deliberately annoying comment for ms nikki, I discovered that california Condors have an average wingspan of 9.5 feet! That a fuckload of feet! Not only that, but they are descended from an extinct kind of condor that had an average wingspan of 17.5 feet!! CHRIST!!! What would you do if you looked up and saw a bird that was 3+ times as long as you were tall? Shoot it, thats what you would do!! This is why those condors are extinct. May they rest in peace, I'm sure they were delicious.
I have 4 days left of teenagerhood. Upon careful reflection, I find that I have little to no opinion on this fact.
A few days ago, a friend of mine and I engaged in a careful scientific study of bottle smashing in the context of bar fighting. This procedure is also known as going "Thumbs down." This experiment was prompted at dinner. Upon examining two glass bottle on a table, one of which was empty, the other of which was approximately 19.32742% full, I posited the query as to which bottle would be better suited for bar fightistry. I recalled a theory I had heard in prep school to the effect that if a bottle is completely empty, upon smashage it would disintegrate in ones hands, causing it to be a sub par "Stabinator" or "Cutlotron" to use the technical terms. In contrast, as the theory goes, if the bottle were to have liquid in it, it would smash scrumtrelescently and be well-suited to bloodletting. Needless to say, my colleagues were intrigued. We promptly decided that after dinner we would purchase several bottles of Cola-drink and test the theory as best as we were able. The end results were not as conclusive as I might have liked, but were illuminating nonetheless. Apparently, completely empty bottles and bottles with liquid in them do not differ greatly in the manner of their smashing. However, all those present agreed that it is certainly preferable for to use a bottle containing liquid, as it causes the smashing to be more visually dramatic in addition to producing a much more euphonious sound. I am currently seeking grants to fund further research.
If someone on this plane were to spontaneously combust, we would all be fucked. How would the screen for that in airports? Adding "Have you recently made enemies with any practitioners of the black arts?" to the list of security questions? Putting up signs that read " Please refrain from inexplicably raising your body temperature to over 5000 degrees, deconstructing your body into its composite elements leaving nothing behind but a small pile of carbon ash during take off and landing." I mean, that might get a few of them, but a couple would still slip through and then where are we going to be? It seems clear to me that nobody will ever be safe on an airplane until arabs are banned from airports.
My battery is dying. Toodeloo, bitches!