Curse of the Self Aware
From this point forward, you are reading my deepest thoughts, those ones that I never let in the open, and the ones that fade into obscurity over time, and those ones that might make you very angry. You see, I just don't give a fuck anymore. And it's mostly your fault. So here it goes.
This is to everyone whom I have expressed dislike for: I'm sorry, but the truth is, my brain works on a different level than yours. I can tell fifteen seconds into a conversation with you whether or not I'm going to like you, and generally I won't, because a fair bit of you are fucking idiots. An unfair generalization, but if I don't associate with you, there is a reason. Moving on...
For those of you whom I associate with sparingly: I probably hate you. Or at the very least I don't enjoy your presence enough to bother making an effort to extend my friendship. So if I avoid you, or don't answer your calls repeatedly over a day or two, you most likely fall into this category. Now don't get me wrong, some of you are interesting people I enjoy, but there is another explanation as well. I have very little free time, and when I do, I'm probably just not thinking about you. So if you like me, then you should make an effort to hang out with me, and if it keeps falling through, know that the feeling isn't reciprocated.
For my friends, close and otherwise: If you count me amongst your friends, which I'm questioning more and more, pick up the fucking phone and call me. I shouldn't have to make the first move every goddamn time. I'm looking over my recent calls list and, surprise, there are barely ANY incoming calls, and those that are incoming are just after I make an unanswered outgoing call. I have no one that feels the need to call me, and that makes me think that I have almost no TRUE friends. I'm hanging out with Jeff Brown again, and at least he calls me as much as I call him and seems interested in me. For that I am eternally grateful, because the rest of you people seem far too self important to show any interest, except when I practically have to force my presence on to you.
For everyone: I'm sorry I'm a miserable piece of existance, but thats what occurs when it seems no one really cares. And by the way, I'm not self absorbed enough not to know that you all have problems too, but is a fucking five minute phone call too much to ask, even if its just for me to say "I feel like shit"? I certainly don't think so. I make the same courtesy for you every day. I'm not going to anymore, because why should I give a fuck about you if you obviously don't care about me enough to take two minutes out of your all important free time?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I've been going through some tough times lately. My emotions are so fucked up that my brain feels like a rubics cube that someone peeled all the stickers off of and stuck in all different places, making it impossible to solve. The root of my problems is actually a very hypocritical and paradoxical statement: I trust everyone too much, and I don't trust anyone nearly enough. My 4:00 a.m. thoughts tell me that everyone is to be feared, that I have no true friends and that I've just been living one big lie to myself for the past couple years, and so do all my other thoughts. But at the same time, I trust everyone WAY TOO MUCH. I have a mentality that no one is as heartless as they seem, and that is completely idiotic and naive. Of course they are. And I know it. But I can never ever do anything about it, because its in my nature to be taken advantage of. This is the only time you'll here me reference a name poorly in here, but I have to say that after everything I did for/with you Amber, your knife in my back is some of the worst pain I've EVER experienced. Ever. And it's showing, all for those 93 minutes of happiness. And special thanks to my dad for being oh so understanding. Sometimes you're a real dick, I wonder where I get it from.
I'm a fucking wreck right now. I've never cried like this before, I can't even tell if I'm crying out of sorrow or what, all I know is that one person could fix all of this. Unfortunately it appears that, not only does that one person not exist, but I don't even have the friends to help me understand and cope with that fact. Maybe I'm just way too focused on finding the right person, but all I know is that not only have I not found them, but I doubt they're even looking for me. And really, why should they?
Some of you will be sitting here reading this, getting angry, or laughing, or whatever, but I would like you all to know that every second of every day I wish I was somewhere else, and one day I will be. So while you're content doing nothing with your life, I'll be somewhere far away trying to make something out of myself. It's possible I'll be doing something I hate, but I wouldn't even care if it got me into a new setting. I feel like I almost need a life reset button, or to find a level warp from mario to get me the fuck out of here. Either that, or I need to find someone I can devote myself to, because when I have that, maybe I could start living again. Maybe.
And don't give me any shit about my ambitions, at least I'm fucking ready and willing to work for them.
Oh yeah. I love the music my band makes, but you all, with the exception of one, piss me the fuck off sometimes.
Don't bother calling me if you don't really care. I need to seperate the true from the false friends. To me, comments are as good as calls, assuming they're worthwhile, and I welcome them just as much because it shows me you at least took the time to read and comprehend this.
-Greg
This is to everyone whom I have expressed dislike for: I'm sorry, but the truth is, my brain works on a different level than yours. I can tell fifteen seconds into a conversation with you whether or not I'm going to like you, and generally I won't, because a fair bit of you are fucking idiots. An unfair generalization, but if I don't associate with you, there is a reason. Moving on...
For those of you whom I associate with sparingly: I probably hate you. Or at the very least I don't enjoy your presence enough to bother making an effort to extend my friendship. So if I avoid you, or don't answer your calls repeatedly over a day or two, you most likely fall into this category. Now don't get me wrong, some of you are interesting people I enjoy, but there is another explanation as well. I have very little free time, and when I do, I'm probably just not thinking about you. So if you like me, then you should make an effort to hang out with me, and if it keeps falling through, know that the feeling isn't reciprocated.
For my friends, close and otherwise: If you count me amongst your friends, which I'm questioning more and more, pick up the fucking phone and call me. I shouldn't have to make the first move every goddamn time. I'm looking over my recent calls list and, surprise, there are barely ANY incoming calls, and those that are incoming are just after I make an unanswered outgoing call. I have no one that feels the need to call me, and that makes me think that I have almost no TRUE friends. I'm hanging out with Jeff Brown again, and at least he calls me as much as I call him and seems interested in me. For that I am eternally grateful, because the rest of you people seem far too self important to show any interest, except when I practically have to force my presence on to you.
For everyone: I'm sorry I'm a miserable piece of existance, but thats what occurs when it seems no one really cares. And by the way, I'm not self absorbed enough not to know that you all have problems too, but is a fucking five minute phone call too much to ask, even if its just for me to say "I feel like shit"? I certainly don't think so. I make the same courtesy for you every day. I'm not going to anymore, because why should I give a fuck about you if you obviously don't care about me enough to take two minutes out of your all important free time?
Anyone who knows me, knows that I've been going through some tough times lately. My emotions are so fucked up that my brain feels like a rubics cube that someone peeled all the stickers off of and stuck in all different places, making it impossible to solve. The root of my problems is actually a very hypocritical and paradoxical statement: I trust everyone too much, and I don't trust anyone nearly enough. My 4:00 a.m. thoughts tell me that everyone is to be feared, that I have no true friends and that I've just been living one big lie to myself for the past couple years, and so do all my other thoughts. But at the same time, I trust everyone WAY TOO MUCH. I have a mentality that no one is as heartless as they seem, and that is completely idiotic and naive. Of course they are. And I know it. But I can never ever do anything about it, because its in my nature to be taken advantage of. This is the only time you'll here me reference a name poorly in here, but I have to say that after everything I did for/with you Amber, your knife in my back is some of the worst pain I've EVER experienced. Ever. And it's showing, all for those 93 minutes of happiness. And special thanks to my dad for being oh so understanding. Sometimes you're a real dick, I wonder where I get it from.
I'm a fucking wreck right now. I've never cried like this before, I can't even tell if I'm crying out of sorrow or what, all I know is that one person could fix all of this. Unfortunately it appears that, not only does that one person not exist, but I don't even have the friends to help me understand and cope with that fact. Maybe I'm just way too focused on finding the right person, but all I know is that not only have I not found them, but I doubt they're even looking for me. And really, why should they?
Some of you will be sitting here reading this, getting angry, or laughing, or whatever, but I would like you all to know that every second of every day I wish I was somewhere else, and one day I will be. So while you're content doing nothing with your life, I'll be somewhere far away trying to make something out of myself. It's possible I'll be doing something I hate, but I wouldn't even care if it got me into a new setting. I feel like I almost need a life reset button, or to find a level warp from mario to get me the fuck out of here. Either that, or I need to find someone I can devote myself to, because when I have that, maybe I could start living again. Maybe.
And don't give me any shit about my ambitions, at least I'm fucking ready and willing to work for them.
Oh yeah. I love the music my band makes, but you all, with the exception of one, piss me the fuck off sometimes.
Don't bother calling me if you don't really care. I need to seperate the true from the false friends. To me, comments are as good as calls, assuming they're worthwhile, and I welcome them just as much because it shows me you at least took the time to read and comprehend this.
-Greg