Incredible how you can see right through me
I always thought of myself as a good judge of character. I think I read people pretty well. My first impressions are usually always right, even when my first impression is built on a gut feeling more than the actual meeting. But then I look lately at the "circle" I have and I question my ability to make good judgements. One of the realizations I have had over the last few months, or year, or however long it has been, is that I don't really have a friend that I can just talk to. I was getting there with a girl at work, then the pandemic came and shortly after she moved home...to Texas. We exchange internet pleasantries and she is so nice and I am sure if I was like "Tera, I need someone to talk to" she would call or message or whatever, but that's not the same. My best friend is a 21 year old guy. I don't know of it's the age difference, gender difference, or something else, but there has been a a wedge driving itself between us. Sometimes we're around each other and everything is normal and we talk and laugh and it's cool. More often than not lately, though, there is a weirdness and awkwardness that did not exist before..that is if he comes around or even talks to me. And even at the best of times, conversations rarely got very personal.
My point isn't really just that I miss having friends, though sometimes I do. It's more that I feel like no one really knows me. This existential crisis is brought to you by the ugly black and white poncho and gray cheetah print hat and scarf set my mother gave me for Christmas. One was from Dood, but she knew me enough to know I didn't like them and was even a little confused and kept saying "Wanda picked those out, not me." But my mom was shouting "I saw those and said that's you! Those look just like you! I knew you'd love them!" I smiled politely, thanked them, and returned them a week later and used the money to buy new pillow shams, a starbucks gift card, and a bag of mandarin oranges. Maybe this seems superficial, but it's not that I didn't like the gift, it's that my mom was so proud of how well she thought she knew me. Meanwhile, our every conversation ends the moment focus shifts from her. At an age where most people are either getting really close to their parents or losing them, my mom only wants to talk to me about the $4 coffee she bought at Ollie's but cuts me off when I try to explain why I am loyal to my little indie internet brand.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure if my friend is just becoming more childish or if he thinks I am a closeted lesbian, but he only messages me lately to talk about the half naked anime statues he wants...they all look pretty much the same guys, come on.
Anyway, I don't know if isolation is getting to me or of I just need to play some D&D. My late emo phase is getting on my nerves, though.
My point isn't really just that I miss having friends, though sometimes I do. It's more that I feel like no one really knows me. This existential crisis is brought to you by the ugly black and white poncho and gray cheetah print hat and scarf set my mother gave me for Christmas. One was from Dood, but she knew me enough to know I didn't like them and was even a little confused and kept saying "Wanda picked those out, not me." But my mom was shouting "I saw those and said that's you! Those look just like you! I knew you'd love them!" I smiled politely, thanked them, and returned them a week later and used the money to buy new pillow shams, a starbucks gift card, and a bag of mandarin oranges. Maybe this seems superficial, but it's not that I didn't like the gift, it's that my mom was so proud of how well she thought she knew me. Meanwhile, our every conversation ends the moment focus shifts from her. At an age where most people are either getting really close to their parents or losing them, my mom only wants to talk to me about the $4 coffee she bought at Ollie's but cuts me off when I try to explain why I am loyal to my little indie internet brand.
Meanwhile, I'm not sure if my friend is just becoming more childish or if he thinks I am a closeted lesbian, but he only messages me lately to talk about the half naked anime statues he wants...they all look pretty much the same guys, come on.
Anyway, I don't know if isolation is getting to me or of I just need to play some D&D. My late emo phase is getting on my nerves, though.