(no subject)
Guuh, my last couple weeks have been kinda awful. Nico, my white ferret, died. He got outside somehow, we still don't know how. I always check and recheck behind me when I go out the door when they are out because I know how easy a ferret can slip out behind you. I failed him, it doesn't matter how he got out, it's my fault and I failed him as a caretaker. I held him as he died and felt the warmth leave his body. The one hour in which everything happened seemed like all night. We didn't bury him the next day, which I think was a good thing, because my mind still wasn't accepting it, I kept catching myself going "maybe I made a mistake, maybe I imagined it", I had to gaze upon his body several times. I helped dig the hole and fill it. My mind still isn't taking it well.
We also have some kittens, Cali is the cat that my aunt claimed wasn't hers so it wasn't her duty to spay her, Cali was her step-grandchilds cat, it wasn't hers. No amount of, the cat is on your property, it's yours, would get through, she refused and we don't have the money to spay her. The mayors wife used to give out certificates to spay cats, you didn't have to get all the shots, so long as the cats weren't making more cats. It was easier to get colonies under control. Now, not so much, I don't even know where to start and it's not like I have money to even begin. There is a reason we are on food stamps. Cali shows up every so often because she knows she can eat here. At any rate, kittens, she had four, they were all doing fine, made it to 2weeks+, she moved them inside and they grew more, and then suddenly one wasn't doing fine. He was lethargic, and seemed to be sleeping more then the others, Paul tells me I'm imagining things, I looked at his gums and such and they seemed okay, about a day or so after I notice this I pick up the kitten to find him weak and his gums pale. I panic, lash out at Paul, I'm trying to juggle fixing our meal and feeding this kitten he's off playing his damn ipod, while I'm left to fix all the BBQ and him knowing I'm stressed, upset, and trying to take care of the damn kitten(Thanks for being self absorbed babe!). Well, after bottle feeding him (ferret food, drop of ferret vitamins, powdered milk) and sticking him with Cali every time she felt like being a mother, I bring him back from the brink of death(he's now into his 3weeks and comes mowing to me when he's hungry, bypassing momma completely). I start feeling better, but now when I close my eyes, I see dead kittens. Like little flashes of visions of dead kittens, not from anything natural, nooo, drowned in the house water bowl, broken neck, trampled, fallen on. None of this has happened mind you, and I always know where they are, but I just keep thinking they will be found dead. This is what we talked about at my mental health appointment by the way. My social worker thinks that my stressing, freaking out over the kittens, what I could be doing, should be doing, want to be doing, what I'm doing right, what I could be doing wrong, what if I fuck up, is all me trying to atone for Nico and grieving. It's pretty damn possible. I'm also a bleeding heart and I have so little control over things in my life and can't handle much so when the world plops something in my lap that I might could do something about I freak out and this is something I can help with but I'm going to fuck up and fail if I don't do everything perfect if something goes wrong it's my fault. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just since Nico died, my anxiety involving my pets is sooooo much worse. I'm checking even more times a day that they are all breathing and alive. I don't like them that far from me. I don't trust anyone else with them for very long ect ect. I'm having an anxiety attack now just thinking of it. Well, another one of the kittens started seeming off, I was always worried he would and I wouldn't notice because he was such a relaxed, laid back, kitten. He was playful like the others and was just as active but when you picked him up you could cradle him like a baby, or on the floor you could put him on his back and pet his tummy and he would just stay like that looking at you for a while before moving on, and he would bat at you in a less "attack!" kinda way and more of a "this thing... it moves...". I noticed he wasn't on mom as much as the other two little pigs(the third mostly comes to me), so I'd pull one off and bottle feed to give him time(he wouldn't fight for the nipple like the others), and I'd try bottle feeding him on his own but he didn't want it, I'd still try to drip a little at the side of his mouth or the front, just to try to get some nutrients in. Then he seemed to be eating off momma less, I'd put him with her and he'd walk away and he stopped sleeping in previous favorite locations. He'd fight the bottle off, he'd snub kitten gruel, Cali wouldn't sit still long enough for me to even give him alone time with her but even when she would he didn't want it. He wasn't too weak to suck or eat, he just wouldn't do it and he got weaker, even on his last night he was still fighting the bottle away and what little I could get in him. And this was good stuff. The others love it and Cali practically wants to assault me over it. Watered evaporated milk, plain greek yogurt, Karo syrup and gerber baby food turkey and turkey gravy. The other kittens would attempt to eat each others freaking face over that stuff. I was lucky if I could get him to want to swallow it when I stuck the nipple into the side of his mouth and let a bit seep in. He didn't feel to have a fever but he didn't like the heating pad like the others. I feel like I was just delaying it all. The only thing I didn't do was try to tube feed him, because I've never done it before(I could have killed him that way too) and had no way to get the stuff. I don't know what happened with him, I don't know if it was some bacterial thing(possible, our house, eww, I need fucking help), or if he was somehow poisoned(ate a bug that got in poison?), got some parasite off one of the other animals, Lyme disease? Fading kitten syndrome? At this point I'm just happy the the other two are ravenous little monsters who will take off your finger and the third that I brought back to health is back to tottering around the house and seeking me out when he's hungry at least 3-4 times a day, and while not in peak health he looks to be getting there. I mixed the kitten stuff up(the turkey, yogurt, milk, karo) and added unflavored gelatin to make a glop mixture that can be kept in the fridge easily. They are devouring it. I just still feel like I didn't do enough, there was always more I should have been doing. Hell Paul has to order some heart worm preventative online because my vet won't allow us to buy anymore until we bring Molly back in for her update, except we can't do that for another month. I don't think I will ever understand that. Isn't it better to keep the dog from suffering even if she is due a checkup? I realize that ideally we would bring her in immediately. Ideally all cats in the state would have all their shots and be altered but wouldn't it at least be preferable to do what good can be done(ie:altering to prevent more) instead of letting them go without any good at all?(like LSU does, they won't spay unless you are doing everything) Berrg. Need 25-40 bucks to spay that cat and the same for another one, and a ride. And like 2 other females that hang out around here. Thank God the kittens were male.
OH even more cause for my anxiety? I've gone over with Paul time and time again, all I want is stability, without a rut pattern. I just want everything stable. We got the food stamp renewal paperwork a month ago. I kept hounding him about filling the damn thing out, when was it due, turning it in, ect ect. He kept saying he would take care of it, he didn't forget, he'll do it. He thought it had be turned in before June 1st(I was like, we have the damn thing just do it!). It needed to be turned in May 9th. They expected him to turn it in right then and there pretty much. We now have to do the whole applying thing all over again.
*sigh* on one side is me, who is a nervous wreck and worries about everything, and every damn thing is just one more thing looming on the horizon ready to drop down and cause me stress. On the other side is Paul, who, if he doesn't want to deal with it right now, or it upsets him, he's just not going to deal with it and will put it out of his mind until he absolutely can't ignore it any more. I admit, I really want the kind of stereotyped relationship where my significant other takes care of all the "hard" things. The paperwork, the bills, I don't want to have to think about that stuff. I want to be a tittering stupid little "wife" who knows absolutely nothing about the house finances and just goes through her life confidant that her honey has taken care of those silly little things teehee~. But I can't. Because I just can't let go, I'm a bundle of wound up nerves and Paul doesn't help things with his "I'll get to it whenever" outlook. Everyday is twanging for me. The meds have been helping a little, but the outside influences have certainly not. I can't even relax and enjoy sex because I'm like this all the time.
We also have some kittens, Cali is the cat that my aunt claimed wasn't hers so it wasn't her duty to spay her, Cali was her step-grandchilds cat, it wasn't hers. No amount of, the cat is on your property, it's yours, would get through, she refused and we don't have the money to spay her. The mayors wife used to give out certificates to spay cats, you didn't have to get all the shots, so long as the cats weren't making more cats. It was easier to get colonies under control. Now, not so much, I don't even know where to start and it's not like I have money to even begin. There is a reason we are on food stamps. Cali shows up every so often because she knows she can eat here. At any rate, kittens, she had four, they were all doing fine, made it to 2weeks+, she moved them inside and they grew more, and then suddenly one wasn't doing fine. He was lethargic, and seemed to be sleeping more then the others, Paul tells me I'm imagining things, I looked at his gums and such and they seemed okay, about a day or so after I notice this I pick up the kitten to find him weak and his gums pale. I panic, lash out at Paul, I'm trying to juggle fixing our meal and feeding this kitten he's off playing his damn ipod, while I'm left to fix all the BBQ and him knowing I'm stressed, upset, and trying to take care of the damn kitten(Thanks for being self absorbed babe!). Well, after bottle feeding him (ferret food, drop of ferret vitamins, powdered milk) and sticking him with Cali every time she felt like being a mother, I bring him back from the brink of death(he's now into his 3weeks and comes mowing to me when he's hungry, bypassing momma completely). I start feeling better, but now when I close my eyes, I see dead kittens. Like little flashes of visions of dead kittens, not from anything natural, nooo, drowned in the house water bowl, broken neck, trampled, fallen on. None of this has happened mind you, and I always know where they are, but I just keep thinking they will be found dead. This is what we talked about at my mental health appointment by the way. My social worker thinks that my stressing, freaking out over the kittens, what I could be doing, should be doing, want to be doing, what I'm doing right, what I could be doing wrong, what if I fuck up, is all me trying to atone for Nico and grieving. It's pretty damn possible. I'm also a bleeding heart and I have so little control over things in my life and can't handle much so when the world plops something in my lap that I might could do something about I freak out and this is something I can help with but I'm going to fuck up and fail if I don't do everything perfect if something goes wrong it's my fault. I don't even know where I'm going with this. Just since Nico died, my anxiety involving my pets is sooooo much worse. I'm checking even more times a day that they are all breathing and alive. I don't like them that far from me. I don't trust anyone else with them for very long ect ect. I'm having an anxiety attack now just thinking of it. Well, another one of the kittens started seeming off, I was always worried he would and I wouldn't notice because he was such a relaxed, laid back, kitten. He was playful like the others and was just as active but when you picked him up you could cradle him like a baby, or on the floor you could put him on his back and pet his tummy and he would just stay like that looking at you for a while before moving on, and he would bat at you in a less "attack!" kinda way and more of a "this thing... it moves...". I noticed he wasn't on mom as much as the other two little pigs(the third mostly comes to me), so I'd pull one off and bottle feed to give him time(he wouldn't fight for the nipple like the others), and I'd try bottle feeding him on his own but he didn't want it, I'd still try to drip a little at the side of his mouth or the front, just to try to get some nutrients in. Then he seemed to be eating off momma less, I'd put him with her and he'd walk away and he stopped sleeping in previous favorite locations. He'd fight the bottle off, he'd snub kitten gruel, Cali wouldn't sit still long enough for me to even give him alone time with her but even when she would he didn't want it. He wasn't too weak to suck or eat, he just wouldn't do it and he got weaker, even on his last night he was still fighting the bottle away and what little I could get in him. And this was good stuff. The others love it and Cali practically wants to assault me over it. Watered evaporated milk, plain greek yogurt, Karo syrup and gerber baby food turkey and turkey gravy. The other kittens would attempt to eat each others freaking face over that stuff. I was lucky if I could get him to want to swallow it when I stuck the nipple into the side of his mouth and let a bit seep in. He didn't feel to have a fever but he didn't like the heating pad like the others. I feel like I was just delaying it all. The only thing I didn't do was try to tube feed him, because I've never done it before(I could have killed him that way too) and had no way to get the stuff. I don't know what happened with him, I don't know if it was some bacterial thing(possible, our house, eww, I need fucking help), or if he was somehow poisoned(ate a bug that got in poison?), got some parasite off one of the other animals, Lyme disease? Fading kitten syndrome? At this point I'm just happy the the other two are ravenous little monsters who will take off your finger and the third that I brought back to health is back to tottering around the house and seeking me out when he's hungry at least 3-4 times a day, and while not in peak health he looks to be getting there. I mixed the kitten stuff up(the turkey, yogurt, milk, karo) and added unflavored gelatin to make a glop mixture that can be kept in the fridge easily. They are devouring it. I just still feel like I didn't do enough, there was always more I should have been doing. Hell Paul has to order some heart worm preventative online because my vet won't allow us to buy anymore until we bring Molly back in for her update, except we can't do that for another month. I don't think I will ever understand that. Isn't it better to keep the dog from suffering even if she is due a checkup? I realize that ideally we would bring her in immediately. Ideally all cats in the state would have all their shots and be altered but wouldn't it at least be preferable to do what good can be done(ie:altering to prevent more) instead of letting them go without any good at all?(like LSU does, they won't spay unless you are doing everything) Berrg. Need 25-40 bucks to spay that cat and the same for another one, and a ride. And like 2 other females that hang out around here. Thank God the kittens were male.
OH even more cause for my anxiety? I've gone over with Paul time and time again, all I want is stability, without a rut pattern. I just want everything stable. We got the food stamp renewal paperwork a month ago. I kept hounding him about filling the damn thing out, when was it due, turning it in, ect ect. He kept saying he would take care of it, he didn't forget, he'll do it. He thought it had be turned in before June 1st(I was like, we have the damn thing just do it!). It needed to be turned in May 9th. They expected him to turn it in right then and there pretty much. We now have to do the whole applying thing all over again.
*sigh* on one side is me, who is a nervous wreck and worries about everything, and every damn thing is just one more thing looming on the horizon ready to drop down and cause me stress. On the other side is Paul, who, if he doesn't want to deal with it right now, or it upsets him, he's just not going to deal with it and will put it out of his mind until he absolutely can't ignore it any more. I admit, I really want the kind of stereotyped relationship where my significant other takes care of all the "hard" things. The paperwork, the bills, I don't want to have to think about that stuff. I want to be a tittering stupid little "wife" who knows absolutely nothing about the house finances and just goes through her life confidant that her honey has taken care of those silly little things teehee~. But I can't. Because I just can't let go, I'm a bundle of wound up nerves and Paul doesn't help things with his "I'll get to it whenever" outlook. Everyday is twanging for me. The meds have been helping a little, but the outside influences have certainly not. I can't even relax and enjoy sex because I'm like this all the time.