Uncertainties
I have many thoughts right now. I am used to staying up late because its a break between school now. But it will soon come to an end and I am unprepared in many ways. I have to get my sleeping in order. I have a busy schedule up ahead. I am hoping for good time management but knowing me, I will put unimportant duties ahead of others.
I am still touchy about my ex-boyfriend. It bothers me in many ways. One because Dani receives undeserved comments from me and other because it has been a long time since we have broken up and I guess I am just now starting to actually get it or understand. I seem to be very slow at understanding some things. I know I am being retarded about to whole thing with him but I can't seem to help to stop myself. When I am not around him, I know the things that bother me about him. There are things he says and does and just the way he sometimes is just bothers me. It has nothing to do with him, its who he is and I don't want to change it. Wait a second here, maybe I had other hidden motives for breaking up with him other than just wanting to because it was nearing my birthday and I didn't want him to get me anything or the fact that I wanted to be single again or that he was bothering by his never-ending presence in my life. Maybe I spared myself, as well as him, the going through the motions of my wanting to change him. Although I would have been to lazy as to actually do it. Going back to my thought processes before this, when I see him, I just kind of seem to forget all about my nitpicking of his faultness in my eyes. Or it could be that I want what I can't have. Ahh but we really did have some good times and the only bad times were when I broke up with him and threw our whole relationship as well as those around us in for a whirl. Ohh but I really messed things up. But so is life and we move on..
As to my education, who knows what is going to happen there. I'll finish my AA that is for sure. I have spend way too much worrying over it and I will not think of these years as wasted time that I could've spend some place else. Maybe I'll be an oceanographer, maybe a scientist. I could be photographer as well as a model. I could be anything and anything could be me. As to schools, I just want to finish AA and transfer but I should get a move on scholarships. Oh must surely.
We shall tread forward to home life. There have been some pressing concerns on my mother's welfare since she turned forty. Even before, there had been a few scares on her life and not just medically or health. She has been in and out of hospitals all her life, whether with her or her father. The matter now is not with surgery and hopefully she will not have to get another because who knows how many times on can have and not tempt fate. Her back has been troubling her for well more than a week. It is so bad that she can't get dressed in the usual manner; she needs assistance. She goes to the chiropractor but I don't think those things are good. My opinion is that they do what they can to get you better so you come back and pay more. Either that or they can't really fix it or it takes more than six times to get fixed from their methods. its troubling because she isn't as active as she used to be. She is a pretty happy person, always finding the positive or joy in something; finding the solution to a problem. And if she doesn't know it when you ask her, she figure it out with you. She is very caring and the most mother I could have ever asked for. I probably couldn't have been able to ask for someone as great as she is. I am very worried about this ache in her back. It makes it harder for her to do what she must in her job and life. She has given so much for kids and all I can do is treat her badly. Even with this realization I know I will not treat her differently because we have established a good relationship. WE are truthful to each other. I love my mother and I hope she knows it even though I don't always treat her as I should. Fuck me, but I hope this turns out to be nothing..
I am still touchy about my ex-boyfriend. It bothers me in many ways. One because Dani receives undeserved comments from me and other because it has been a long time since we have broken up and I guess I am just now starting to actually get it or understand. I seem to be very slow at understanding some things. I know I am being retarded about to whole thing with him but I can't seem to help to stop myself. When I am not around him, I know the things that bother me about him. There are things he says and does and just the way he sometimes is just bothers me. It has nothing to do with him, its who he is and I don't want to change it. Wait a second here, maybe I had other hidden motives for breaking up with him other than just wanting to because it was nearing my birthday and I didn't want him to get me anything or the fact that I wanted to be single again or that he was bothering by his never-ending presence in my life. Maybe I spared myself, as well as him, the going through the motions of my wanting to change him. Although I would have been to lazy as to actually do it. Going back to my thought processes before this, when I see him, I just kind of seem to forget all about my nitpicking of his faultness in my eyes. Or it could be that I want what I can't have. Ahh but we really did have some good times and the only bad times were when I broke up with him and threw our whole relationship as well as those around us in for a whirl. Ohh but I really messed things up. But so is life and we move on..
As to my education, who knows what is going to happen there. I'll finish my AA that is for sure. I have spend way too much worrying over it and I will not think of these years as wasted time that I could've spend some place else. Maybe I'll be an oceanographer, maybe a scientist. I could be photographer as well as a model. I could be anything and anything could be me. As to schools, I just want to finish AA and transfer but I should get a move on scholarships. Oh must surely.
We shall tread forward to home life. There have been some pressing concerns on my mother's welfare since she turned forty. Even before, there had been a few scares on her life and not just medically or health. She has been in and out of hospitals all her life, whether with her or her father. The matter now is not with surgery and hopefully she will not have to get another because who knows how many times on can have and not tempt fate. Her back has been troubling her for well more than a week. It is so bad that she can't get dressed in the usual manner; she needs assistance. She goes to the chiropractor but I don't think those things are good. My opinion is that they do what they can to get you better so you come back and pay more. Either that or they can't really fix it or it takes more than six times to get fixed from their methods. its troubling because she isn't as active as she used to be. She is a pretty happy person, always finding the positive or joy in something; finding the solution to a problem. And if she doesn't know it when you ask her, she figure it out with you. She is very caring and the most mother I could have ever asked for. I probably couldn't have been able to ask for someone as great as she is. I am very worried about this ache in her back. It makes it harder for her to do what she must in her job and life. She has given so much for kids and all I can do is treat her badly. Even with this realization I know I will not treat her differently because we have established a good relationship. WE are truthful to each other. I love my mother and I hope she knows it even though I don't always treat her as I should. Fuck me, but I hope this turns out to be nothing..