Fic: The Quiet Limit of the World (3/4)
Title: The Quiet Limit of the World (3/4)
Summary, disclaimer, etc. same as in Part 1.
~
Part 3
Mother's Day
1:14 PM
Scully has been quiet for a while before her mother speaks up. “Dana, is everything okay?”
Scully smiles at her across the restaurant table. “I'm fine. Sorry. Just got a little lost in thought.”
Maggie Scully returns the smile, and resumes telling her about Bill's phone call this morning: how Matthew seemed to know it was a special day, but obviously thought it was about him, not about Tara - and how he wanted to eat the chocolates that Bill bought her. Scully laughs at the tale, but she is still only partially paying attention.
Selfishly, she is glad that Bill and Tara could not make a trip out to visit. The holiday itself is already a painful enough reminder of her brief motherhood and loss of all future opportunities for the same, without having to maintain her equilibrium in front of her young nephew and his mother. However, what has kept her thoughts occupied during the majority of lunch is an idea that occurred to her early this morning.
She has not been to the doctor since New York - there has been no reason for her to do so - but she thinks she has a reason to make an appointment now. There is still no way of knowing exactly how her 'gift' from Fellig has affected her physically, but perhaps something has changed enough that she may no longer be infertile. It is a distant, perhaps foolish hope, she knows, but the idea will not leave her alone.
“Well,” her mother says, smiling and reaching for her purse, “this was lovely, honey - thank you again.”
“You're welcome, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.”
It is only when they are outside the restaurant walking to the car that Mrs. Scully addresses one issue that has been on her daughter's mind. “Dana, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you celebrating today with me - especially in light of what you told me about your own health, and-- and your experience with Emily. I know it must be hard for you.”
Scully meets her eyes and then looks away. She nods, not trusting herself to speak. Thankfully, this statement made and acknowledged, her mother changes the subject.
At work the next day, Scully knows her preoccupation has not gone unnoticed by Mulder. They don't have a case to otherwise occupy them; Mulder is still recovering from his impromptu brain surgery, so they are office-bound. Though she is fully aware he has nothing else to focus on but his partner, she can't get her impending doctor's appointment (for which she is getting out of work a half hour early) out of her mind. She is trying her hardest not to get her hopes up. After all, even if the appointment goes well, she won't know anything concrete for another few weeks, after the exam is repeated.
When she stands up to leave, Mulder looks up in mild surprise. “You off early today, Scully?”
“Yeah.” She goes to pick up her jacket, trying not to let her nervousness show. “I've, uh, I've got an appointment. It's nothing serious.”
As soon as she says the last three words, she wishes she could take them back. Now she's sure to have gotten her partner's attention. Turning to gauge his reaction, she sees that he is staring at her with the question clear in his eyes. She sighs. “I'll tell you about it tomorrow, okay?”
Mulder nods. “Okay.”
Giving him a small, placating smile, Scully leaves the office.
~
Scully walks out of the clinic guardedly hopeful. After hearing about her past diagnosis, the doctor has given her a medical regimen to follow for the next three weeks. She warned Scully that there are no guarantees - something that Scully already knows, of course, but she finds herself optimistic nonetheless.
At work the next day, Scully waits until lunch to tell Mulder what she has determined to say. “The appointment was at a fertility clinic,” she says, rubbing at the condensation on the side of her glass of ice water. “I'm-- I'm still pursuing my options. I have another appointment in three weeks.”
Mulder blinks. He opens his mouth, and then just nods. “I... that's great, Scully. I hope it works out.”
Scully is sure he was about to say something else entirely, but she does not press the issue. They eat in silence for several minutes before Mulder brings up a detail from one of the reports they've been working on, and the matter drops for the moment.
~
Three Weeks Later
The news is not good. Scully leaves the clinic fighting back tears, angry at herself for even thinking that her body could have been so dramatically changed that good news would be possible. None of this was based on any scientific evidence, she thinks, stalking out to her car. So why am I surprised?
Her doctor had looked at her with a mixture of pity and compassion when she informed her of the results. The exam's findings were the same as before. Of course. If what Mulder told her last year about the cause of her infertility is true, it only makes sense. No simple medical regimen could make up for the violation and loss she experienced during her abduction.
The next day at work, when she is quiet and withdrawn, Mulder's worry becomes obvious again. He doesn't press her on it until they leave for lunch. He glances around the elevator, which is empty, and then asks, “Was your appointment yesterday? How did it go?”
Scully sighs shakily. “Not well.”
Mulder just looks at her.
She decides to get it over with. Drawing it out will only make it more painful for them both. “It's just that I thought maybe the... discovery we made recently about my health was enough of a change that it could have counteracted my inability to have children. But, um, it hasn't. Nothing changed.”
He is stricken. “Oh, Scully... I'm sorry.”
The elevator doors ding, and they exit. Scully nods, accepting his attempt to offer sympathy. She is still lost in her thoughts enough that she doesn't notice his similarly pensive expression until they have left the Hoover building. She maneuvers them out of the way of pedestrian traffic, and looks up at him silently.
It's his turn to sigh as he stops next to her. “There's, um, there's something else I haven't told you about when I discovered what had been done to you during your abduction. I hope you can forgive me, and try to understand why I kept it from you.”
“What?” She stares at him, remembering how he had reacted when she told him about her first appointment. This does not sound good.
He continues, “During my investigation into your illness, I found out that your ova were taken and stored in a government lab.”
She can hardly believe her ears. He shuffles his feet, and it dawns on her what he hasn't yet said. “And you found them?”
“I-- I took them directly to a specialist who would tell me if they were okay.” His voice is quiet, and he stares intently down at the sidewalk.
“I don't believe this.” Scully crosses her arms and waits for the rest to come out.
“Scully,” he pleads, raising his eyes to hers, “you were deathly ill, and I... I couldn't bear to give you another piece of bad news.”
“Is that what it was?” she demands, keeping her voice low with difficulty. “It was bad news?”
Mulder nods once. “The doctor said the ova weren't viable.”
Scully stands as straight as she can. “Well, I want a second opinion.” She glares at him. “Where are they?” She can't believe she has to ask this question, much less ask it of her partner.
Hanging his head, Mulder mutters, “I'll get them to you.”
Her appetite has vanished. She turns to go back into the building, leaving Mulder staring after her forlornly.
~
One Week Later
A good chance. Scully hears those words repeated over and over in her head as she leaves Dr. Parenti's clinic. Her mood could not be more different than when she left the other clinic last week. Dr. Parenti has told her that there is a good chance that she could become pregnant, if they don't delay. Now all she needs to do is try to ask Mulder. Finding an anonymous donor is an unthinkable option for her - but she doesn't know how to even broach the subject with him. Something of this magnitude... It will be the most important, personal thing she has ever asked Mulder to do for her, and she knows it cannot help but change things between them. But maybe that's a good thing. Their relationship has already been changing for a while now, after all.
She has in the past week forgiven Mulder for keeping this information from her. He truly had thought he was protecting her from more heartbreak, and as misguided as that attempt was, she believes he has learned from his mistake.
Somehow, she makes it home through the haze of her happiness and bewilderment. After a leisurely dinner, she pours herself a glass of red wine and tries to relax in front of the TV. But she is too keyed up, too occupied with the thought of how she will ask Mulder - her best friend, her partner, the person she knows best in the world and who knows her just as well - to take this step with her. She grimaces. They haven't even gone on what any normal person would consider a date. And yet, part of her knows that he would never refuse her this. Maybe that in itself helps explain why the idea of asking him makes her so nervous.
Her thoughts chase themselves around in circles in her head for a few more minutes before Scully decides she's had enough. With a loud sigh, she turns off the TV, sets down her wineglass, and stands up. Better to just get it over with. No time like the present, she tells herself.
Doing her best to ignore the adrenaline that has begun to surge through her, Scully picks up the phone and dials Mulder's number. She only thinks to glance at her watch after the line is already ringing, but thankfully it is still relatively early in the evening.
Mulder picks up after two rings. “Mulder.”
“It's me.”
“Hey, Scully,” he greets her, sounding cheerful. “What's up?”
She takes a breath. “Um, can I come over?”
“Sure,” Mulder says. A hint of worry has crept into his voice when he continues, “I ordered a pizza a little while ago - do you want me to save you some?”
“No, thanks, I already had dinner,” Scully replies. “Besides,” she adds, trying to keep things light, “if I ate the rest of it, what would you have for breakfast tomorrow, Mulder?”
He laughs. “You have a point.”
There is a brief pause. “So... I'll be right over, then.”
“Okay. See you in a few minutes.”
Scully puts on a light jacket and is out the door. She does her best to think about anything else on the drive over, just so she will not appear as nervous as she is when she arrives. She thinks she has mostly succeeded - until Mulder opens his apartment door, and her anxiety-fueled adrenaline returns.
“Come on in, Scully.” He stands aside, and Scully walks into the middle of the room.
Mulder closes the door. He asks her something, but Scully doesn't quite catch it. She's too busy trying to organize her thoughts. “Sorry, what was that, Mulder?”
He is regarding her carefully. “Do you want to have a seat?” he repeats, gesturing to the couch.
Scully nods. When she doesn't move immediately, Mulder puts a hand on her back and guides her over. “What did you want to talk about?”
Taking a deep breath, Scully smooths a wrinkle in her jeans, and then looks up at him. “I went to another fertility clinic today, to get the second opinion I told you I wanted. And I got some good news.” She looks away for a moment, then turns to him again, a pleased smile on her face. “The doctor told me he thinks there's a good chance that through IVF - in vitro fertilization - I could become pregnant.”
Mulder takes a moment to process this news, and then smiles broadly. “That's wonderful, Scully! I'm so glad to hear it.”
She smiles again, nodding. “The thing is, I need to get started right away. The chances of success decrease the longer I wait. And...” She swallows. “And even though I don't know how - or if - my... condition may affect this, I don't want to risk it. I want to get started as soon as possible.”
Mulder nods. “That makes sense.” He clears his throat and begins, “If you need to take some time off from work for this, you don't need to worry about--”
“No, that's-- that's not why I wanted to talk to you, Mulder,” she interrupts. Here goes. “I wanted to ask if you would do something for me.”
“Okay.” He sounds faintly confused.
She directs her gaze at his hand, which rests lightly on her knee. “I wanted to ask you if you would be the father. Of my child.”
Dead silence falls, and Scully nearly panics - even the sound of Mulder's breathing has ceased. When she looks up, she sees that his jaw has dropped and that he is staring at her with an almost comical look of shock on his face. After a moment, he takes a breath and closes his mouth partway, but still seems unable to speak.
“I don't need an answer right away,” Scully hastens to add. “And I know this is a huge thing to ask. But... there's really no one else I would choose.” Her voice has dropped almost to a whisper, and she looks down at her own hands in her lap.
“Scully...” His voice is choked, and she hears him swallow.
“Just-- just think about it for a while, okay?” She forces herself to breathe evenly. The hardest part is past, and it's up to him now. “I don't want to pressure you. But I do want you to know that I would be honored if you decided you wanted to be involved in this child's life, if we were successful.”
Mulder sits forward, exhaling slowly. She watches as he rubs a hand across his face.
“I'll give you some time,” she says, standing and beginning to walk toward the door. She can't help but feel some distress at his lack of response, even though she has told herself it wouldn't make sense for him to say much right away.
Before she reaches the door, his voice stops her. “Scully.”
Heart pounding again, she turns to him. He is still seated on the couch, but he is looking directly at her. In the dim light from his window and one table lamp, she can see that his eyes are shining. “I am going to give this the amount of thought it deserves,” he says, “but... I want to tell you right now that the fact that you asked me this - asked me...well, it means everything.”
She grins, a slow, shy smile that he returns.
~
Saturday - One Day Later
Scully wakes up absurdly early the next morning, and is irrevocably awake the instant she opens her eyes. She cannot get her mind off the subject of Mulder's decision. After an endless fifteen minutes of trying to get back to sleep, she sighs and gets out of bed. Perhaps she can distract herself with some other activity.
Two hours later, she has cleaned every room in her apartment, done her laundry, and is now trying to focus on reading a novel. But after realizing she has read the same paragraph at least four times without comprehending it, Scully gives up and puts it down. It's a beautiful early summer morning, and the air outside is most likely still cool enough to be comfortable. A walk, she decides, would pass the time more pleasantly.
She takes her cell phone - just in case, although Mulder is in all likelihood still in bed - and succeeds in relaxing and enjoying the quiet city streets. As she walks she allows herself the indulgence of imagining a little bit of what it would be like if the IVF is successful, even of trying to envision what her child might look like. But her hopes have been crushed so many times that the indulgence is very brief. This is all still theoretical, she reminds herself.
When she arrives back at her apartment, she slips off her shoes and curls up on the couch, intending to give the novel another try. She is asleep in minutes, the paperback lying forgotten on the edge of the couch.
Hunger pangs wake her, several hours later. Scully looks at her watch and is surprised to see that it is almost time for lunch. She opts for a quick shower before breaking her fast.
The knock on her door that comes as she is finishing her scrambled eggs startles her. She almost drops her fork before recovering and calling out, “I'll be there in a second!”
She has a good idea of who it is and why he's here. Her hands shake a little as she puts her dishes in the dishwasher, and she takes some steadying breaths.
Opening the door, she greets Mulder with an uncertain smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Come on in.”
“Thanks.”
As she closes the door behind him, Scully notices that he hasn't made a move to take off his jacket. “Can I take your coat?” she asks, keeping her tone neutral.
Mulder fidgets, and answers, “No, I can't stay long. I, uh... Actually, the guys have something they've been after me to come check out.”
Scully nods. She wonders if it's true, but doesn't blame Mulder for having the excuse either way. There is a short pause. “Obviously, you've had some time to think about my request,” she says at last.
“Um, it's-- it's not something that I get asked to do every day,” he says, with a small smile. “But yes, I've thought about it.”
Scully drops her eyes from his as he continues.
“What's weird is - and this sounds really weird, I know, but - I just,” he hesitates, “I just wouldn't want this to come between us.”
Scully's heart plummets. He's saying no, but trying to let her down gently. “Yeah. I know. I-- I understand. I do.”
She is staring at the floor in front of him, fighting back her tears as hard as she can. Then she looks up, as he moves toward her. “Scully... the answer is yes.”
Shock, joy, and other fleeting and unidentifiable emotions rush through her. She bites her lip, and then breaks into a wide smile as she reaches to embrace Mulder. There are no words exchanged, but she knows he understands her gratitude.
Scully clears her throat and says, “Well, um... I'll call Dr. Parenti. I assume he'll want to meet you, and-- and go through the donor procedure.”
Mulder nods. “At that part, I'm a pro.”
Scully has to laugh a little at that. They gaze at each other for another few seconds, and then Mulder heads for the door. He pauses, giving her another shy smile before he leaves.
As the door closes behind him, Scully exhales and sinks onto her couch. She will call Dr. Parenti, but first she needs to try to settle her thoughts. This is actually going to move forward. She rubs a hand over her neck. She knows there is merit to the worry Mulder mentioned, but she also believes they can still be... whatever they are, partners, friends, through this process. He seems to believe this, as well. With that thought in mind, she reaches for the phone.
~
The process is arduous, and emotionally exhausting for both Scully and Mulder. When the first try fails, Dr. Parenti is realistic but continues to remain positive. “I told you at the start that we might not succeed with the first cycle,” he says. “But if you're up for trying again, Dana, I still think the chances are good.”
Scully nods. “I'm not ready to give up yet,” she tells him, trying to sound as certain as she should be. Mulder is in the waiting room, and she is glad when Dr. Parenti accompanies her out to pass on the news. She isn't sure she could have told him without crying; whether that feeling is a result of hormones or only discouragement she can't tell.
They are both quiet in the car, as Mulder drives her home. When they arrive outside her apartment building, Mulder turns to look at her. “Do you-- do you want me to stay?” he asks, touching her shoulder lightly.
Scully shakes her head, smiling and reaching to hold his hand. “No, thanks.” She opens the car door and gets out. “But, um,” she continues, turning to him, “thank you for being willing to stick this out with me, Mulder. It means a lot.”
He meets her eyes and answers with absolute sincerity, “Whatever you need, Scully. Just let me know.”
The second time the IVF fails, Scully cannot keep a few tears from escaping in the doctor's office. She listens numbly as Dr. Parenti encourages her to try one more time, noting that even he has reduced his optimism noticeably. Still, the idea of giving up her chance to have a child is even more painful to her than the possibility of another failure, so she agrees to try again next month.
This time, Mulder is tied up at work and cannot drive her home. He had been regretful and apologetic, while simultaneously making her promise to let him know the results as soon as she could. Scully calls him as soon as she leaves the clinic. “Mulder, it's me.”
“Scully.” He sounds like he might have stood up and walked a few feet, perhaps seeking a safer location to talk. “How did it go?”
She sighs. “Uh... not well. But I-- I've decided to try one more time.”
“Oh, Scully. I'm sorry.” He takes a slow breath, and Scully considers, not for the first time, that these ups and downs must be difficult for him, too. “But if you want to try again, I want to try again.”
Swallowing, Scully almost whispers, “Thank you. I'll see you at work.”
The third and last time, Scully tells Mulder she wants to go to the clinic alone. Mulder agrees, but says he'll be waiting for her at her apartment. He is firm but gentle as he explains, “I don't think you should be alone after you find out, whichever way it goes.” Then he pauses, and looks down. “And whatever happens, it's important to me, too.”
“I know, Mulder,” Scully tells him softly, crossing the room and putting a hand on his arm. “Make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back soon.”
She is glad Mulder agreed not to come. She struggles to contain her grief, as Dr. Parenti tells her in a quiet voice that she could still try again if she feels strongly about it, but there is every indication, unfortunately, that further attempts will not be effective. Scully tunes out the rest of his well-meaning platitudes. She is already berating herself for wasting so much time and effort and resources, so much emotional energy (on both her and Mulder's part) on a foolish dream.
Somehow, she makes it home without losing control. She opens the door to her darkened apartment, and Mulder stands up from her couch, blinking blearily in the gloom.
“Scully?” he says. “I guess I must have dozed off.”
Scully just looks at him without speaking. Mulder's eyes darken, his face grave. “It didn't take, did it?”
She has to look away before she answers. “I guess... it was just too much to hope for.”
Mulder opens his arms, and Scully all but collapses against him, finally starting to sob. He holds her tightly, and she puts her arms around him. She is utterly exhausted, in every sense. “It was my last chance,” she chokes out.
He continues to hold her to himself. Then he pulls back, his hands on her shoulders, and kisses her forehead. Moving to rest his forehead against hers, he murmurs, “Never give up on a miracle.”
Scully takes a few ragged breaths. She wants so badly to believe that there is still reason to hope. For now, though, she will borrow the strength that her partner is freely offering. Touching one hand to the back of his neck, she presses a kiss to his cheek, to the corner of his lips, to his jaw. Then she buries her face against him as he embraces her fiercely.
It is impossible for her to tell how long they stay in each other's arms. Eventually, after her breathing has calmed, she pulls away a little - just enough to look into his eyes. “Mulder--” she tries to say, but her voice catches.
Mulder rubs her back in slow, soothing motions. “Shh, Scully,” he whispers. “I'm not going anywhere.”
Wondering how he knew, Scully sighs and leans back against him. Crying has exhausted the rest of her energy, and she wants nothing more than to sleep, and forget about the day for a while.
“Let's get you to bed,” Mulder murmurs. She tries to smile up at him and, Mulder half-carrying her, they make their way to her bedroom. Scully sits down heavily on the edge of the bed, taking off her shoes as Mulder does likewise. Pulling down the sheets, she just about falls onto the pillow, weariness overtaking her. Her eyes slide shut as Mulder wraps himself and the blankets around her.
In the early hours of the morning, Scully comes halfway awake to the sound of quiet sobs beside her. It takes her a while to comprehend that it is Mulder, allowing himself to grieve. She covers his hand with hers, where it rests on her stomach.
“I'm sorry, Scully,” he whispers. “I-- I didn't mean to wake you.”
“It's okay, Mulder.” She turns over so that she is facing him. His face is not visible in the blackness of her room, but she reaches for him and lays her hand on his tear-streaked cheek. “I'm sorry I made you go through this.”
Mulder is silent for a few minutes as his breathing steadies. He sighs deeply, and tightens his grip on her. “Don't be sorry,” he murmurs. “Even though it didn't turn out like we'd hoped, I'm thankful you asked me, and... and I can't regret that we tried.”
Scully swallows past the lump in her throat. “Oh, Mulder,” she whispers, drawing herself closer to him, “I don't regret it, either. But it hurts.”
“I know.” He smooths her hair away from her face. “I didn't ever really tell you in so many words, but I wanted it - I wanted our child, too.”
Tears begin to stream down her face again. “I wanted to be able to give that to you,” she tells him, her words barely intelligible.
“This was not your fault, Scully,” Mulder tells her fiercely, kissing the top of her head. “This choice was taken from you. You can't blame yourself.”
Scully nods once, knowing he's right but needing to have heard it nonetheless. They hold each other until sleep claims them both.
Summary, disclaimer, etc. same as in Part 1.
~
Part 3
Mother's Day
1:14 PM
Scully has been quiet for a while before her mother speaks up. “Dana, is everything okay?”
Scully smiles at her across the restaurant table. “I'm fine. Sorry. Just got a little lost in thought.”
Maggie Scully returns the smile, and resumes telling her about Bill's phone call this morning: how Matthew seemed to know it was a special day, but obviously thought it was about him, not about Tara - and how he wanted to eat the chocolates that Bill bought her. Scully laughs at the tale, but she is still only partially paying attention.
Selfishly, she is glad that Bill and Tara could not make a trip out to visit. The holiday itself is already a painful enough reminder of her brief motherhood and loss of all future opportunities for the same, without having to maintain her equilibrium in front of her young nephew and his mother. However, what has kept her thoughts occupied during the majority of lunch is an idea that occurred to her early this morning.
She has not been to the doctor since New York - there has been no reason for her to do so - but she thinks she has a reason to make an appointment now. There is still no way of knowing exactly how her 'gift' from Fellig has affected her physically, but perhaps something has changed enough that she may no longer be infertile. It is a distant, perhaps foolish hope, she knows, but the idea will not leave her alone.
“Well,” her mother says, smiling and reaching for her purse, “this was lovely, honey - thank you again.”
“You're welcome, Mom. Happy Mother's Day.”
It is only when they are outside the restaurant walking to the car that Mrs. Scully addresses one issue that has been on her daughter's mind. “Dana, I just wanted you to know that I appreciate you celebrating today with me - especially in light of what you told me about your own health, and-- and your experience with Emily. I know it must be hard for you.”
Scully meets her eyes and then looks away. She nods, not trusting herself to speak. Thankfully, this statement made and acknowledged, her mother changes the subject.
At work the next day, Scully knows her preoccupation has not gone unnoticed by Mulder. They don't have a case to otherwise occupy them; Mulder is still recovering from his impromptu brain surgery, so they are office-bound. Though she is fully aware he has nothing else to focus on but his partner, she can't get her impending doctor's appointment (for which she is getting out of work a half hour early) out of her mind. She is trying her hardest not to get her hopes up. After all, even if the appointment goes well, she won't know anything concrete for another few weeks, after the exam is repeated.
When she stands up to leave, Mulder looks up in mild surprise. “You off early today, Scully?”
“Yeah.” She goes to pick up her jacket, trying not to let her nervousness show. “I've, uh, I've got an appointment. It's nothing serious.”
As soon as she says the last three words, she wishes she could take them back. Now she's sure to have gotten her partner's attention. Turning to gauge his reaction, she sees that he is staring at her with the question clear in his eyes. She sighs. “I'll tell you about it tomorrow, okay?”
Mulder nods. “Okay.”
Giving him a small, placating smile, Scully leaves the office.
~
Scully walks out of the clinic guardedly hopeful. After hearing about her past diagnosis, the doctor has given her a medical regimen to follow for the next three weeks. She warned Scully that there are no guarantees - something that Scully already knows, of course, but she finds herself optimistic nonetheless.
At work the next day, Scully waits until lunch to tell Mulder what she has determined to say. “The appointment was at a fertility clinic,” she says, rubbing at the condensation on the side of her glass of ice water. “I'm-- I'm still pursuing my options. I have another appointment in three weeks.”
Mulder blinks. He opens his mouth, and then just nods. “I... that's great, Scully. I hope it works out.”
Scully is sure he was about to say something else entirely, but she does not press the issue. They eat in silence for several minutes before Mulder brings up a detail from one of the reports they've been working on, and the matter drops for the moment.
~
Three Weeks Later
The news is not good. Scully leaves the clinic fighting back tears, angry at herself for even thinking that her body could have been so dramatically changed that good news would be possible. None of this was based on any scientific evidence, she thinks, stalking out to her car. So why am I surprised?
Her doctor had looked at her with a mixture of pity and compassion when she informed her of the results. The exam's findings were the same as before. Of course. If what Mulder told her last year about the cause of her infertility is true, it only makes sense. No simple medical regimen could make up for the violation and loss she experienced during her abduction.
The next day at work, when she is quiet and withdrawn, Mulder's worry becomes obvious again. He doesn't press her on it until they leave for lunch. He glances around the elevator, which is empty, and then asks, “Was your appointment yesterday? How did it go?”
Scully sighs shakily. “Not well.”
Mulder just looks at her.
She decides to get it over with. Drawing it out will only make it more painful for them both. “It's just that I thought maybe the... discovery we made recently about my health was enough of a change that it could have counteracted my inability to have children. But, um, it hasn't. Nothing changed.”
He is stricken. “Oh, Scully... I'm sorry.”
The elevator doors ding, and they exit. Scully nods, accepting his attempt to offer sympathy. She is still lost in her thoughts enough that she doesn't notice his similarly pensive expression until they have left the Hoover building. She maneuvers them out of the way of pedestrian traffic, and looks up at him silently.
It's his turn to sigh as he stops next to her. “There's, um, there's something else I haven't told you about when I discovered what had been done to you during your abduction. I hope you can forgive me, and try to understand why I kept it from you.”
“What?” She stares at him, remembering how he had reacted when she told him about her first appointment. This does not sound good.
He continues, “During my investigation into your illness, I found out that your ova were taken and stored in a government lab.”
She can hardly believe her ears. He shuffles his feet, and it dawns on her what he hasn't yet said. “And you found them?”
“I-- I took them directly to a specialist who would tell me if they were okay.” His voice is quiet, and he stares intently down at the sidewalk.
“I don't believe this.” Scully crosses her arms and waits for the rest to come out.
“Scully,” he pleads, raising his eyes to hers, “you were deathly ill, and I... I couldn't bear to give you another piece of bad news.”
“Is that what it was?” she demands, keeping her voice low with difficulty. “It was bad news?”
Mulder nods once. “The doctor said the ova weren't viable.”
Scully stands as straight as she can. “Well, I want a second opinion.” She glares at him. “Where are they?” She can't believe she has to ask this question, much less ask it of her partner.
Hanging his head, Mulder mutters, “I'll get them to you.”
Her appetite has vanished. She turns to go back into the building, leaving Mulder staring after her forlornly.
~
One Week Later
A good chance. Scully hears those words repeated over and over in her head as she leaves Dr. Parenti's clinic. Her mood could not be more different than when she left the other clinic last week. Dr. Parenti has told her that there is a good chance that she could become pregnant, if they don't delay. Now all she needs to do is try to ask Mulder. Finding an anonymous donor is an unthinkable option for her - but she doesn't know how to even broach the subject with him. Something of this magnitude... It will be the most important, personal thing she has ever asked Mulder to do for her, and she knows it cannot help but change things between them. But maybe that's a good thing. Their relationship has already been changing for a while now, after all.
She has in the past week forgiven Mulder for keeping this information from her. He truly had thought he was protecting her from more heartbreak, and as misguided as that attempt was, she believes he has learned from his mistake.
Somehow, she makes it home through the haze of her happiness and bewilderment. After a leisurely dinner, she pours herself a glass of red wine and tries to relax in front of the TV. But she is too keyed up, too occupied with the thought of how she will ask Mulder - her best friend, her partner, the person she knows best in the world and who knows her just as well - to take this step with her. She grimaces. They haven't even gone on what any normal person would consider a date. And yet, part of her knows that he would never refuse her this. Maybe that in itself helps explain why the idea of asking him makes her so nervous.
Her thoughts chase themselves around in circles in her head for a few more minutes before Scully decides she's had enough. With a loud sigh, she turns off the TV, sets down her wineglass, and stands up. Better to just get it over with. No time like the present, she tells herself.
Doing her best to ignore the adrenaline that has begun to surge through her, Scully picks up the phone and dials Mulder's number. She only thinks to glance at her watch after the line is already ringing, but thankfully it is still relatively early in the evening.
Mulder picks up after two rings. “Mulder.”
“It's me.”
“Hey, Scully,” he greets her, sounding cheerful. “What's up?”
She takes a breath. “Um, can I come over?”
“Sure,” Mulder says. A hint of worry has crept into his voice when he continues, “I ordered a pizza a little while ago - do you want me to save you some?”
“No, thanks, I already had dinner,” Scully replies. “Besides,” she adds, trying to keep things light, “if I ate the rest of it, what would you have for breakfast tomorrow, Mulder?”
He laughs. “You have a point.”
There is a brief pause. “So... I'll be right over, then.”
“Okay. See you in a few minutes.”
Scully puts on a light jacket and is out the door. She does her best to think about anything else on the drive over, just so she will not appear as nervous as she is when she arrives. She thinks she has mostly succeeded - until Mulder opens his apartment door, and her anxiety-fueled adrenaline returns.
“Come on in, Scully.” He stands aside, and Scully walks into the middle of the room.
Mulder closes the door. He asks her something, but Scully doesn't quite catch it. She's too busy trying to organize her thoughts. “Sorry, what was that, Mulder?”
He is regarding her carefully. “Do you want to have a seat?” he repeats, gesturing to the couch.
Scully nods. When she doesn't move immediately, Mulder puts a hand on her back and guides her over. “What did you want to talk about?”
Taking a deep breath, Scully smooths a wrinkle in her jeans, and then looks up at him. “I went to another fertility clinic today, to get the second opinion I told you I wanted. And I got some good news.” She looks away for a moment, then turns to him again, a pleased smile on her face. “The doctor told me he thinks there's a good chance that through IVF - in vitro fertilization - I could become pregnant.”
Mulder takes a moment to process this news, and then smiles broadly. “That's wonderful, Scully! I'm so glad to hear it.”
She smiles again, nodding. “The thing is, I need to get started right away. The chances of success decrease the longer I wait. And...” She swallows. “And even though I don't know how - or if - my... condition may affect this, I don't want to risk it. I want to get started as soon as possible.”
Mulder nods. “That makes sense.” He clears his throat and begins, “If you need to take some time off from work for this, you don't need to worry about--”
“No, that's-- that's not why I wanted to talk to you, Mulder,” she interrupts. Here goes. “I wanted to ask if you would do something for me.”
“Okay.” He sounds faintly confused.
She directs her gaze at his hand, which rests lightly on her knee. “I wanted to ask you if you would be the father. Of my child.”
Dead silence falls, and Scully nearly panics - even the sound of Mulder's breathing has ceased. When she looks up, she sees that his jaw has dropped and that he is staring at her with an almost comical look of shock on his face. After a moment, he takes a breath and closes his mouth partway, but still seems unable to speak.
“I don't need an answer right away,” Scully hastens to add. “And I know this is a huge thing to ask. But... there's really no one else I would choose.” Her voice has dropped almost to a whisper, and she looks down at her own hands in her lap.
“Scully...” His voice is choked, and she hears him swallow.
“Just-- just think about it for a while, okay?” She forces herself to breathe evenly. The hardest part is past, and it's up to him now. “I don't want to pressure you. But I do want you to know that I would be honored if you decided you wanted to be involved in this child's life, if we were successful.”
Mulder sits forward, exhaling slowly. She watches as he rubs a hand across his face.
“I'll give you some time,” she says, standing and beginning to walk toward the door. She can't help but feel some distress at his lack of response, even though she has told herself it wouldn't make sense for him to say much right away.
Before she reaches the door, his voice stops her. “Scully.”
Heart pounding again, she turns to him. He is still seated on the couch, but he is looking directly at her. In the dim light from his window and one table lamp, she can see that his eyes are shining. “I am going to give this the amount of thought it deserves,” he says, “but... I want to tell you right now that the fact that you asked me this - asked me...well, it means everything.”
She grins, a slow, shy smile that he returns.
~
Saturday - One Day Later
Scully wakes up absurdly early the next morning, and is irrevocably awake the instant she opens her eyes. She cannot get her mind off the subject of Mulder's decision. After an endless fifteen minutes of trying to get back to sleep, she sighs and gets out of bed. Perhaps she can distract herself with some other activity.
Two hours later, she has cleaned every room in her apartment, done her laundry, and is now trying to focus on reading a novel. But after realizing she has read the same paragraph at least four times without comprehending it, Scully gives up and puts it down. It's a beautiful early summer morning, and the air outside is most likely still cool enough to be comfortable. A walk, she decides, would pass the time more pleasantly.
She takes her cell phone - just in case, although Mulder is in all likelihood still in bed - and succeeds in relaxing and enjoying the quiet city streets. As she walks she allows herself the indulgence of imagining a little bit of what it would be like if the IVF is successful, even of trying to envision what her child might look like. But her hopes have been crushed so many times that the indulgence is very brief. This is all still theoretical, she reminds herself.
When she arrives back at her apartment, she slips off her shoes and curls up on the couch, intending to give the novel another try. She is asleep in minutes, the paperback lying forgotten on the edge of the couch.
Hunger pangs wake her, several hours later. Scully looks at her watch and is surprised to see that it is almost time for lunch. She opts for a quick shower before breaking her fast.
The knock on her door that comes as she is finishing her scrambled eggs startles her. She almost drops her fork before recovering and calling out, “I'll be there in a second!”
She has a good idea of who it is and why he's here. Her hands shake a little as she puts her dishes in the dishwasher, and she takes some steadying breaths.
Opening the door, she greets Mulder with an uncertain smile. “Hi.”
“Hi.”
“Come on in.”
“Thanks.”
As she closes the door behind him, Scully notices that he hasn't made a move to take off his jacket. “Can I take your coat?” she asks, keeping her tone neutral.
Mulder fidgets, and answers, “No, I can't stay long. I, uh... Actually, the guys have something they've been after me to come check out.”
Scully nods. She wonders if it's true, but doesn't blame Mulder for having the excuse either way. There is a short pause. “Obviously, you've had some time to think about my request,” she says at last.
“Um, it's-- it's not something that I get asked to do every day,” he says, with a small smile. “But yes, I've thought about it.”
Scully drops her eyes from his as he continues.
“What's weird is - and this sounds really weird, I know, but - I just,” he hesitates, “I just wouldn't want this to come between us.”
Scully's heart plummets. He's saying no, but trying to let her down gently. “Yeah. I know. I-- I understand. I do.”
She is staring at the floor in front of him, fighting back her tears as hard as she can. Then she looks up, as he moves toward her. “Scully... the answer is yes.”
Shock, joy, and other fleeting and unidentifiable emotions rush through her. She bites her lip, and then breaks into a wide smile as she reaches to embrace Mulder. There are no words exchanged, but she knows he understands her gratitude.
Scully clears her throat and says, “Well, um... I'll call Dr. Parenti. I assume he'll want to meet you, and-- and go through the donor procedure.”
Mulder nods. “At that part, I'm a pro.”
Scully has to laugh a little at that. They gaze at each other for another few seconds, and then Mulder heads for the door. He pauses, giving her another shy smile before he leaves.
As the door closes behind him, Scully exhales and sinks onto her couch. She will call Dr. Parenti, but first she needs to try to settle her thoughts. This is actually going to move forward. She rubs a hand over her neck. She knows there is merit to the worry Mulder mentioned, but she also believes they can still be... whatever they are, partners, friends, through this process. He seems to believe this, as well. With that thought in mind, she reaches for the phone.
~
The process is arduous, and emotionally exhausting for both Scully and Mulder. When the first try fails, Dr. Parenti is realistic but continues to remain positive. “I told you at the start that we might not succeed with the first cycle,” he says. “But if you're up for trying again, Dana, I still think the chances are good.”
Scully nods. “I'm not ready to give up yet,” she tells him, trying to sound as certain as she should be. Mulder is in the waiting room, and she is glad when Dr. Parenti accompanies her out to pass on the news. She isn't sure she could have told him without crying; whether that feeling is a result of hormones or only discouragement she can't tell.
They are both quiet in the car, as Mulder drives her home. When they arrive outside her apartment building, Mulder turns to look at her. “Do you-- do you want me to stay?” he asks, touching her shoulder lightly.
Scully shakes her head, smiling and reaching to hold his hand. “No, thanks.” She opens the car door and gets out. “But, um,” she continues, turning to him, “thank you for being willing to stick this out with me, Mulder. It means a lot.”
He meets her eyes and answers with absolute sincerity, “Whatever you need, Scully. Just let me know.”
The second time the IVF fails, Scully cannot keep a few tears from escaping in the doctor's office. She listens numbly as Dr. Parenti encourages her to try one more time, noting that even he has reduced his optimism noticeably. Still, the idea of giving up her chance to have a child is even more painful to her than the possibility of another failure, so she agrees to try again next month.
This time, Mulder is tied up at work and cannot drive her home. He had been regretful and apologetic, while simultaneously making her promise to let him know the results as soon as she could. Scully calls him as soon as she leaves the clinic. “Mulder, it's me.”
“Scully.” He sounds like he might have stood up and walked a few feet, perhaps seeking a safer location to talk. “How did it go?”
She sighs. “Uh... not well. But I-- I've decided to try one more time.”
“Oh, Scully. I'm sorry.” He takes a slow breath, and Scully considers, not for the first time, that these ups and downs must be difficult for him, too. “But if you want to try again, I want to try again.”
Swallowing, Scully almost whispers, “Thank you. I'll see you at work.”
The third and last time, Scully tells Mulder she wants to go to the clinic alone. Mulder agrees, but says he'll be waiting for her at her apartment. He is firm but gentle as he explains, “I don't think you should be alone after you find out, whichever way it goes.” Then he pauses, and looks down. “And whatever happens, it's important to me, too.”
“I know, Mulder,” Scully tells him softly, crossing the room and putting a hand on his arm. “Make yourself comfortable, and I'll be back soon.”
She is glad Mulder agreed not to come. She struggles to contain her grief, as Dr. Parenti tells her in a quiet voice that she could still try again if she feels strongly about it, but there is every indication, unfortunately, that further attempts will not be effective. Scully tunes out the rest of his well-meaning platitudes. She is already berating herself for wasting so much time and effort and resources, so much emotional energy (on both her and Mulder's part) on a foolish dream.
Somehow, she makes it home without losing control. She opens the door to her darkened apartment, and Mulder stands up from her couch, blinking blearily in the gloom.
“Scully?” he says. “I guess I must have dozed off.”
Scully just looks at him without speaking. Mulder's eyes darken, his face grave. “It didn't take, did it?”
She has to look away before she answers. “I guess... it was just too much to hope for.”
Mulder opens his arms, and Scully all but collapses against him, finally starting to sob. He holds her tightly, and she puts her arms around him. She is utterly exhausted, in every sense. “It was my last chance,” she chokes out.
He continues to hold her to himself. Then he pulls back, his hands on her shoulders, and kisses her forehead. Moving to rest his forehead against hers, he murmurs, “Never give up on a miracle.”
Scully takes a few ragged breaths. She wants so badly to believe that there is still reason to hope. For now, though, she will borrow the strength that her partner is freely offering. Touching one hand to the back of his neck, she presses a kiss to his cheek, to the corner of his lips, to his jaw. Then she buries her face against him as he embraces her fiercely.
It is impossible for her to tell how long they stay in each other's arms. Eventually, after her breathing has calmed, she pulls away a little - just enough to look into his eyes. “Mulder--” she tries to say, but her voice catches.
Mulder rubs her back in slow, soothing motions. “Shh, Scully,” he whispers. “I'm not going anywhere.”
Wondering how he knew, Scully sighs and leans back against him. Crying has exhausted the rest of her energy, and she wants nothing more than to sleep, and forget about the day for a while.
“Let's get you to bed,” Mulder murmurs. She tries to smile up at him and, Mulder half-carrying her, they make their way to her bedroom. Scully sits down heavily on the edge of the bed, taking off her shoes as Mulder does likewise. Pulling down the sheets, she just about falls onto the pillow, weariness overtaking her. Her eyes slide shut as Mulder wraps himself and the blankets around her.
In the early hours of the morning, Scully comes halfway awake to the sound of quiet sobs beside her. It takes her a while to comprehend that it is Mulder, allowing himself to grieve. She covers his hand with hers, where it rests on her stomach.
“I'm sorry, Scully,” he whispers. “I-- I didn't mean to wake you.”
“It's okay, Mulder.” She turns over so that she is facing him. His face is not visible in the blackness of her room, but she reaches for him and lays her hand on his tear-streaked cheek. “I'm sorry I made you go through this.”
Mulder is silent for a few minutes as his breathing steadies. He sighs deeply, and tightens his grip on her. “Don't be sorry,” he murmurs. “Even though it didn't turn out like we'd hoped, I'm thankful you asked me, and... and I can't regret that we tried.”
Scully swallows past the lump in her throat. “Oh, Mulder,” she whispers, drawing herself closer to him, “I don't regret it, either. But it hurts.”
“I know.” He smooths her hair away from her face. “I didn't ever really tell you in so many words, but I wanted it - I wanted our child, too.”
Tears begin to stream down her face again. “I wanted to be able to give that to you,” she tells him, her words barely intelligible.
“This was not your fault, Scully,” Mulder tells her fiercely, kissing the top of her head. “This choice was taken from you. You can't blame yourself.”
Scully nods once, knowing he's right but needing to have heard it nonetheless. They hold each other until sleep claims them both.