Journal Post of Epic Fail. I forget the count, but there's a ton of these.
Yeah, so today just sucks. This WEEK just sucks. It sucks epicly. And I am 100% certain that NEXT week will suck as well. The one after, not so sure. But between a program due this Friday, a pair of assignments due this coming Monday, a program and two tests on next Wednesday, my school seems fully intent on crushing me with work as if I had insisted on it as a means of execution. Linear Algebra just plain HATES me, since I apparently lack the knowledge of how to word answers in such a way that someone versed in the language of Anal Retentive will read and approve of it. One program I have to learn a whole new language for in one week's worth of time, and the other deals with classes in C++. Then I have the damned tests.
Damnable tests.
That aside, I have generally been amazingly miserable lately. Unfortunately, when I'm miserable, I get annoying over chat, and people tend to be slightly less irate at my ramblings. If you do not want to put up with more of my annoying tendencies, skip the rest of this post.
I hate myself, and I hate real life. I hate both of these things to a massive degree, as anyone who knows anything about me knows this. I have figured out a common factor to both of these things that I hate so much: They're normal. Normal to a banal degree, you could say. Normal to the point that there's nothing interesting about either, and why anyone would wish to know about either is something that would confuse me to no end. Nothing stands out about me aside from my predisposition towards negative emotional states. Who else falls into that category? "Emo kids". I hate that nothing interesting has happened in my life. I hate that I'm not able to DO anything interesting. I hate that I possess nothing interesting. I hate that I am prevented from doing anything interesting on a very regular basis. And furthermore, I hate that I have very legitimate reasons to fear that the rest of my life will remain uninteresting and NORMAL. Part of the damnable status quo that people outside of are considered either a threat to society or just plain ill, and are in effect sanctioned for either. I hate it.
And same for real life. I hate its predilection towards maintaining a narrow status quo while allowing for very little in deviation--in either appearance or action. I am already shunted to the side by society for my likes being different. Generally unable to talk to anyone. And yet everyone I see appears to be "normal". And in turn, uninteresting, with little real variation in their personalities, and only basic physical variations--likely tied to the former.
This had led me to conclude that this is why I'm having such little interest in -any- of the actually attractive girls at my school. If I just up and talked to them, how would things turn out? Normal. Circumstances? Normal. Personality? Very likely to be normal. Path of events? Extremely likely to be normal.
Normal this. Normal that. Normal, normal, normal, normal. I hate it. I don't want MORE of my life to be this damnable thing called "normal". I especially don't want any significant romantic relationships in my life to be normal. Hell. I don't want to be normal. I hate being normal. Yet I wish society would not implicitly condemn me for any attempts to be less part of the status quo. Less normal.
I hate life. Maybe if I could somehow move out, I would be able to escape the crushing grip of mundanity that suffocates my existence. Perhaps.
Damnable tests.
That aside, I have generally been amazingly miserable lately. Unfortunately, when I'm miserable, I get annoying over chat, and people tend to be slightly less irate at my ramblings. If you do not want to put up with more of my annoying tendencies, skip the rest of this post.
I hate myself, and I hate real life. I hate both of these things to a massive degree, as anyone who knows anything about me knows this. I have figured out a common factor to both of these things that I hate so much: They're normal. Normal to a banal degree, you could say. Normal to the point that there's nothing interesting about either, and why anyone would wish to know about either is something that would confuse me to no end. Nothing stands out about me aside from my predisposition towards negative emotional states. Who else falls into that category? "Emo kids". I hate that nothing interesting has happened in my life. I hate that I'm not able to DO anything interesting. I hate that I possess nothing interesting. I hate that I am prevented from doing anything interesting on a very regular basis. And furthermore, I hate that I have very legitimate reasons to fear that the rest of my life will remain uninteresting and NORMAL. Part of the damnable status quo that people outside of are considered either a threat to society or just plain ill, and are in effect sanctioned for either. I hate it.
And same for real life. I hate its predilection towards maintaining a narrow status quo while allowing for very little in deviation--in either appearance or action. I am already shunted to the side by society for my likes being different. Generally unable to talk to anyone. And yet everyone I see appears to be "normal". And in turn, uninteresting, with little real variation in their personalities, and only basic physical variations--likely tied to the former.
This had led me to conclude that this is why I'm having such little interest in -any- of the actually attractive girls at my school. If I just up and talked to them, how would things turn out? Normal. Circumstances? Normal. Personality? Very likely to be normal. Path of events? Extremely likely to be normal.
Normal this. Normal that. Normal, normal, normal, normal. I hate it. I don't want MORE of my life to be this damnable thing called "normal". I especially don't want any significant romantic relationships in my life to be normal. Hell. I don't want to be normal. I hate being normal. Yet I wish society would not implicitly condemn me for any attempts to be less part of the status quo. Less normal.
I hate life. Maybe if I could somehow move out, I would be able to escape the crushing grip of mundanity that suffocates my existence. Perhaps.