Title: 5 to 1
Fandom: Portal/Portal 2
Pairings: Adventure Core (Rick)/Fact Core (Craig) [HUMANIZED]
Description: Something I wanted to write. There's been a lot of Factventure fics (which I am very happy about because I ship them SO HARD), but most of them focus more on Fact/Craig and his weirdness, exploring who he is more than they explore Rick. This was written because I wanted to do something cute, something bittersweet, and something that looked at and theorized about what Rick's got wrong with him.
Rating: PG-13 for cursing, making out, sexual references, and some angry discussion of body image issues/eating disorders/etc.
(I FEEL LIKE SUCH A TOOL FOR WRITING H/C FOR SOME REASON.... oh well. /goes into a corner)
1.
He woke up abruptly, and for no good reason, too. It was almost like the decision was made not by his body but arbitrarily by his brain, which seemed to have a liking for making him suffer. Craig groaned to himself and let his eyes glance to his clock; 2:48 AM shone back at him in pale green. Again, he groaned and tried to shift himself.
However, something was keeping him pinned on his side, unable to move. For a moment his mind filled with panicked facts - sleep paralysis, actual paralysis, the possibility that the other side of his bed was inhabited by a very sleepy bear - as he registered more information about the situation: something firm and warm against his back, slightly hairy, no shirt, no pants, something else firm and warm curled around his torso, a soft breathing sound on the back of his neck… The somethings around his chest tightened a bit, pinning Craig even harder into his position. With some difficulty, he craned his neck to look over his shoulder.
He was met with the sight of a sleeping man with messy dark hair and a rugged face; his characteristic green eyes were closed for the moment. He was drooling on the pillow, too. Craig looked down - the things around his chest were the man’s arms.
He must have forgotten that he’d brought Rick home with him.
During a moment of slightly-stunned silence, he tried to make sense of the strange little twist of warmth that had suddenly appeared in his stomach. After his brain suggested something utterly ludicrous, he huffed and squirmed in Rick’s unconscious grip - not so much as to wake Rick, but enough to push himself a little closer.
2.
Rick was already in the locker rooms when Craig got there, panting heavily and wiping his brow. It seemed the employee testing was getting more rigorous - the only other option would be that Craig was out of shape, which would obviously be completely impossible.
“Hey there, sweet cheeks!” He heard a wolf-whistle as he entered and threw a glare at its unmistakable source, who was shimmying out of his jumpsuit to change back into his work clothes. Honestly, sometimes he thought Rick would have been better suited to be a test subject - but he had a strange sense of ingenuity that the higher-ups seemed to like, which kept Rick secure in his job as a senior engineer.
“I told you to stop calling me that,” Craig said once he caught his breath, moving to his own locker a few numbers away. “It’s a known fact that the only people who use that sort of nickname are insufferable louts. Which, actually, you fit the description of.”
“Aaah, always trying to break my heart with those names, hon,” Rick laughed, balling up his jumpsuit and throwing it unceremoniously into his locker. With a cursory look around, he turned his head to Craig and said a little softer, “You know it’s not gonna work, sweetheart.”
“Of course I know,” Craig replied under his breath, glancing to meet Rick’s eyes. As much as he hated himself for it afterwards, he couldn’t help the little smirk that curled up one side of his mouth as he spoke.
“So, Pinkie,” Rick went on, after stripping off his singlet and grabbing a new one out of his locker, “you doing anything tonight?”
“As a matter of fact I have some work to catch up on. I’ll be staying late. T-though that’s not to say I would go with you, though,” he said as he undressed, adding the last bit on quickly - though the two were… a bit more intimate than one would usually get with a friend, it wasn’t as if they were advertising it. Or even acknowledging it too much, in Craig’s case. “From what I can infer you’d be dragging me along on an… ‘adventure,’” he continued, an air of distaste about him. He pulled his pants up and buttoned them, then threading the belt through the loops.
“Pfft! You think I go adventuring every night? Hon, that’s hard work. I do it every other night,” Rick joked, pulling his shirt on but keeping it unbuttoned. “I was just gonna ask if you’d want to go to the bar with me and a few friends.”
Craig cocked his head for a moment, thinking as he buttoned his own shirt, but then shook his head. “Hm. Thanks, but no - I do have some work to finish, like I said.”
“Okay, your loss,” Rick replied, about to button his shirt - but then he stepped a bit too far to the right and saw his own reflection in the long, tall mirror situated on the wall. He stopped, looking incredulously at his reflection for a second before completely turning to examine himself.
Craig scoffed at Rick’s apparent narcissism. Narcissists were 67% more likely to be distracted by reflective surfaces and die by being shoved into lakes and drowning. He ignored the other man for a few moments as he finished buttoning his shirt and re-did his tie. It was just as he was finishing the knot and reaching for the small bottle of anxiety pills in the back of the locker that Rick piped up again:
“Hey, Craig, can I ask you something?”
“What is it?” Craig looked over coolly at Rick, who was looking in the mirror with something almost akin to concern. When Rick took more than a moment to answer, Craig walked over and stood beside him, looking into the mirror disinterestedly.
Rick hesitated for a moment longer, and then spoke. “…Do you think I look good?”
“…Rick. Look at me.” Rick’s head turned - his expression was more like that of a kicked puppy, now. Craig held his gaze and said firmly, “Rick, you are the most attractive employee in Aperture Science, and that is a fact.”
To this, Rick snorted and looked away. “Yeah, but… that office poll was like, four months ago,” he replied, mouth turned up in a smile and almost chuckling - well, that was better. Craig wasn’t used to seeing concern on Rick’s face, and frankly, he didn’t want to get used to it.
“I’ve been keeping up with the analysis, and you still hold the title,” Craig replied, smirking as he saw Rick’s grin grow. “So, really, there was no point to that exercise in narcissism. Idiot.”
Rick laughed now, one of his big triumphant chortles. “Hah! Fact-head.” He leaned over a bit and roughly mussed up Craig’s hair, eliciting an indignant “hey!” from the blonde before quickly retreating, finishing buttoning up his shirt, and grabbing his tie out of his locker. Craig snorted at him as he made for the exit.
“So, see ya another time?” Rick called just before he left the room, glancing back to Craig.
“Y-yeah, maybe. Whatever,” Craig replied, almost smiling. Rick flashed a quick grin at him and disappeared through the doorframe, back to his work.
3.
“Mm- ah - what are you doing?”
“Huh?”
They were at Rick’s condo this time - an expensive one, high up in the building. Currently they were situated on the couch, Craig almost in Rick’s lap and his hands cupping the other man’s face, Rick lying down along the couch’s length with his hands on Craig’s hips.
“I said, what are you doing?” Craig repeated breathlessly, panting a little. His hands slid down to rest on Rick’s shoulders.
“Making out with you, what else?” Rick replied flippantly, his eyes dark and that mischievous smile coming back onto his face as he leaned forward and crushed his lips back onto Craig’s.
No, no, not crushed… not nearly so violent. Before this point in time it would have been accurate to use that verb, but now instead of crashing into each other it was… gentler. Sweeter. The whole thing was sweeter than usual, really. Usually, they would be driven to do this out of a strange sort of attraction, meeting like magnets and fighting each other through everything - but tonight was… different. They’d ended up at Rick’s place by chance after hanging out in the afternoon - something that was becoming alarmingly common - and after turning on a movie, Rick had gotten ‘bored’ and, well, one thing led to another. Nothing at all like the usual pattern of events.
Craig didn’t really care about that at the moment, though - all he was focusing on was the softness and the strange bit of his mind that didn’t want it to end.
4.
“Hey. Rick.”
“Hmm? Oh, hey, Pinkie,” Rick responded cheerfully, pulling his feet off his desk and onto the floor as he saw Craig approaching. “What’s up?”
“Nothing, really. I was just…” Craig stopped in front of Rick’s desk, standing awkwardly as he composed himself. “I was just. I was just wondering if perhaps you’d like to have lunch with me today.”
Rick quirked an eyebrow at Craig. “Why are you asking now? The work day just started.”
“What, am I at fault for wanting to make sure I am the first to offer?” Craig said too quickly, a hard edge coming to his voice; he crossed his arms over his chest and glared to the side. The potted plant under his gaze wondered what it had ever done to him.
“No, no way, I just…” Rick sat up in his chair, looking up at Craig. “It’s just a little weird, I guess. But a good kind of weird.” He smiled - sincerely, for a change.
Craig visibly relaxed at those words and stopped glaring at the potted plant (much to its relief). “Oh. Okay. ...Do you accept my invitation?’
“What do you think?” Rick said teasingly. Then he paused, and after a moment he said, “I… actually, I’m gonna level with you - I didn’t bring any money for lunch, sooo… mind if we share yours?”
“What?” Craig’s eyebrows shot up. “Why didn’t you bring money?”
“Wasn’t planning on having anyone to eat with today, sweetheart,” Rick answered smoothly, looking up at Craig with that charming smile of his. Damn that smile! Someday it was going to get Craig into a lot of trouble, he just knew it.
“…Fine. You’ve convinced me, for now,” Craig gave in, his mouth quirking up in a smile to match Rick’s. “Meet me right when you get on your lunch shift - I’ll be in Engineering.”
“Sure thing,” Rick said, winking at Craig as he began to walk off. “See ya later, sweetheart!”
Momentarily, Craig turned his head to glance back at Rick, and after a moment’s hesitation, he replied almost warmly: “See you later, too. Idiot.”
5.
When Craig woke up, the little niggling part of him in the bottom of his brain immediately knew something was wrong. He did a mental check of what was happening - gold morning light, not that bad; bed sheets wrinkled, not that bad; clothes strewn on the floor, kind of bad; something warm… oh wait, that was Rick spooning him again. …Not that bad.
Then his eyes darted to his clock, and immediately he bolted upright with a screech. “Shit!”
“Wuh! Wha- what’s the situation!?” Rick’s awake in an instant, arms instinctively tightening around Craig’s middle and knocking the breath out of him. Luckily it was only for a moment, and Rick released him when he realizes he wasn’t in the middle of some strange Indiana Jones-style dream. “Wha… what’s wrong?”
“I’m- we- we’re late for work! Look at this!” Craig said through coughs as he scrambled out of bed, running around his room; Rick glanced at the clock, which proudly announced the time 8:09 AM. Craig spoke as he hurriedly pulled clothes out of his closet, setting up an outfit for himself: “It takes me an hour and a half to get ready for work and a half hour to get there- we’re going to be late and then we’re going to get our asses fired!”
“Now, this is more like it,” Rick said under his breath as he rolled out of the bed. He said to Craig, “Now, don’t you worry, I do this every day. We just have to do stuff faster. What do you do for your morning routine, Peaches?”
Craig ignored the nickname and listed things off the top of his head, “Shower, get dressed, eat breakfast, take my pills, check my messages - “
“Eh, simple enough. You can check the messages in the car. For now, let’s do this double-time.” Rick grabbed his clothes from yesterday off the floor, straightening them out a little - good enough for him. “We can cut shower-time down if we do it at the same time, aaaand I don’t really need anything to eat - “
“Wait… are you saying we should shower together?” Rick looked over to Craig, who was staring at him somewhat incredulously.
“Yeah. We’ll save time that way,” Rick replied, and he starts to grin when he sees Craig turn red. “What, don’t tell me you’re getting shy now!”
“I’m not shy!” Craig countered a little too strongly, his face still turning red. “J-just - fine! Fine! Let’s do it.”
“That’s what she sai-“ Rick’s quote was cut off by Craig punching him in the chest as he passed to go to the bathroom and get the water running. Surprisingly, the showering was a success despite the cramped space the two were in. Having an audience and a deadline seemed to make both of them go faster, wetting their hair and cleaning themselves up in record time. It was still enough time for each of them to catch peeks at the other, though… Rick didn’t know about Craig, but he knew that he’d be saving these images. For later examination. For science.
“Can you pass me that shampoo? The green one,” Craig quipped, working his blonde hair into a lather. Obligingly, Rick reached around his companion and passed the shampoo to him - but not without pulling Craig closer and into a soft hug. Craig nearly squealed indignantly. “Wh- what the hell - Rick! W-we don’t have time for-“
“Who said I was thinkin’ about that?” Rick purred as he rested his head on Craig’s shoulder, his chest pressed softly to Craig’s back and his arms wrapped loosely around his skinny torso. “This is good enough for me.” Craig glanced over his shoulder to look at Rick, and it gave Rick a nice view of the blush on his face and his tousled, wet hair.
“W… well. Okay. But just for a second.” He turned away again and scrubbed at his hair, washing the soap out quickly as Rick stood and held him close under the warm running water.
NEXT:
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