(no subject)
Updated from handwritten journal: 12/7/05, on the plane from Texas to Indiana. I hadn't slept more than 13 hours in 92. And it had been 27 hours since the last sleep I'd has when I wrote this.
Not quite six in the morning, sitting in a puddle jumper. Moving. Again. Not so bad really, except there's Tom, doing what he can to try and make me miserable again. I'll probably never see Romeo, Juliet and Caboose again. Im sure he's already gotten rid of the lizards. As if I've not got enough fucked up shit going on. Oh no, hes got to go and add to it,trying to peg me as a bad person. Maye he has to hate me before h can let me go. Or maybe I have to hate him. Either way it's inexcusably immature. What could he have hoped to accomplish? Maybe he thought that being a total cock would win me over. Maybe he has Dom and Asshole mixed up. etter yet, why am I bothering to try and figure him out? Stupid girl, always wanting to know why, when you cannot ever know. Stop dwelling in the past, stupid Cunt.
So back to Indiana I go. Maybe more fucked up than before. Poor Stephen. At least I'm angry. I'd be worried if I was completely numb. That's the worst, I think. Means I'v started to shut down. I was numb for a while today, had to fight to get angry. Sound weird, I bet, but it's true. Being numb scares me. Then again, I'm the coward. So fraid of so many things, fucking coward. I'l miss Justin, actually sad that our lives are going in suc different directions; we're good for each other.
I love flying at night. The cities are always beautiful. Like handfuls of diamonds and topazes tossed onto black velvet. Bye Justin. If not for Tom and Alpha, could have been one of the best times of my life. Pity people had to get hurtful. And mean.
Flying off in the hopes of finding stability, of going to school, perhaps finding a Master. Even if it may not be Stephen. At least he'll help me get ready for it, and be a guiding friend, if nothing else. Though it's hard to be optimistic about anything right now. At least I'll be awake though. A sobe No Fear and a liter of mountain dew ought to keep me going nicely.
Just seems like lately everything in my life has gone to shit again. Tom, school, my ankle, the animals. I haven't een this low since was in New Jersey, almost two years later. Will I ever find a Master? Is it worth all the shit I've gone through? It better be. I mean, fuck, been through fucking hell and back now, you know? How much before I just crack? How much before I can't be fixed? With the events of late, I feel that they're very pertinent questions. I've already been wondering if I can be fixed already, and I consider myslf a fair judge of of how fucked up I am, and I usually don't worry about it, unless it is something that needs to be worried about. waste of energy otherwise.
Am I afraid? Yes. I'm afraid of a lot of things. What if we don't work? What if we're incompatible? What if he gets rid of me? So much new stress on top fo the old. Rather, the old with the burden of the 'what if's' and new place/relationship jitters. In a past life, I must have pissed on God's wheaties. Or something.
It must suck to be right. Harder still for someone to allow another to stumble blindly down the wrong path. I don't think I could sit back and watch someone I love do fucked up shit and get into bad situations over and over again. Almost 8 years worth of stupid, nice person choices. I honestly don't know how Stephen can stand watching me ruin myself for the wrong reasons, or people.
"When they come for me, I'll be sitting at my desk with a gun in my hand in a bullet proof vest, singing my my my how the time does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of night, heeey."
Stuck in my head. A brooding mix of resignation and a readiness to meet death. Kind of fits my mood despite the happy beat of the ska song.
Damn, my hands cramping. Nothing to do but think and write. 4 pages so far.
Haven't watched the sun come up in forever. It's pretty. Fuck, I've elt my bitterness take away my jy in the simple things. How long since I went puddle jumping? Or just saw beauty in a strange place? Too long, I hink. Too long since I could create or observe something. How dead have I become? How long have I been like this? Some walking, talking shell of a person?
Fuck me. Why can't I just be left to live and make people happy?
Cold. I hate being cold. The only downside to window seats. Just realized, I don't even remember what all I have at Stephen's place, or what's on my HDD's. Getting kind of spacey. Not much longer though, and I'll be in Atlanta. Think we're starting to set up for our descent now, actually. It's pretty from up here.
Lots of lakes and rivers, big ones too. Heh, sing airplane Lav's are always fun. Little itty bitty space with a big butt sucks.
Goals:
-- Smaller butt - diet, excercise
-- School - enroll in january
-- Job - art time, less stress
It only looks simple on paper, doesn't it? The goals are easy, finding the motivation and give-a-damn is much, much harder. Huh, flight's a skosh early. That's always good news. Looks all snowy. Green and white with so many lakes. Then again, itis only like 34 degrees out, too. No wonder I'm cold. Glad I brought my boots too. Finally starting to wake up. This is a good thing. Being around people on meth has been good endurance training for this trip. Oh yeah, definately snowy. Heh, haven't seen snow since I was in Jersey. I love wing window seats. They're my favorite.
Not quite six in the morning, sitting in a puddle jumper. Moving. Again. Not so bad really, except there's Tom, doing what he can to try and make me miserable again. I'll probably never see Romeo, Juliet and Caboose again. Im sure he's already gotten rid of the lizards. As if I've not got enough fucked up shit going on. Oh no, hes got to go and add to it,trying to peg me as a bad person. Maye he has to hate me before h can let me go. Or maybe I have to hate him. Either way it's inexcusably immature. What could he have hoped to accomplish? Maybe he thought that being a total cock would win me over. Maybe he has Dom and Asshole mixed up. etter yet, why am I bothering to try and figure him out? Stupid girl, always wanting to know why, when you cannot ever know. Stop dwelling in the past, stupid Cunt.
So back to Indiana I go. Maybe more fucked up than before. Poor Stephen. At least I'm angry. I'd be worried if I was completely numb. That's the worst, I think. Means I'v started to shut down. I was numb for a while today, had to fight to get angry. Sound weird, I bet, but it's true. Being numb scares me. Then again, I'm the coward. So fraid of so many things, fucking coward. I'l miss Justin, actually sad that our lives are going in suc different directions; we're good for each other.
I love flying at night. The cities are always beautiful. Like handfuls of diamonds and topazes tossed onto black velvet. Bye Justin. If not for Tom and Alpha, could have been one of the best times of my life. Pity people had to get hurtful. And mean.
Flying off in the hopes of finding stability, of going to school, perhaps finding a Master. Even if it may not be Stephen. At least he'll help me get ready for it, and be a guiding friend, if nothing else. Though it's hard to be optimistic about anything right now. At least I'll be awake though. A sobe No Fear and a liter of mountain dew ought to keep me going nicely.
Just seems like lately everything in my life has gone to shit again. Tom, school, my ankle, the animals. I haven't een this low since was in New Jersey, almost two years later. Will I ever find a Master? Is it worth all the shit I've gone through? It better be. I mean, fuck, been through fucking hell and back now, you know? How much before I just crack? How much before I can't be fixed? With the events of late, I feel that they're very pertinent questions. I've already been wondering if I can be fixed already, and I consider myslf a fair judge of of how fucked up I am, and I usually don't worry about it, unless it is something that needs to be worried about. waste of energy otherwise.
Am I afraid? Yes. I'm afraid of a lot of things. What if we don't work? What if we're incompatible? What if he gets rid of me? So much new stress on top fo the old. Rather, the old with the burden of the 'what if's' and new place/relationship jitters. In a past life, I must have pissed on God's wheaties. Or something.
It must suck to be right. Harder still for someone to allow another to stumble blindly down the wrong path. I don't think I could sit back and watch someone I love do fucked up shit and get into bad situations over and over again. Almost 8 years worth of stupid, nice person choices. I honestly don't know how Stephen can stand watching me ruin myself for the wrong reasons, or people.
"When they come for me, I'll be sitting at my desk with a gun in my hand in a bullet proof vest, singing my my my how the time does fly when you know you're gonna die by the end of night, heeey."
Stuck in my head. A brooding mix of resignation and a readiness to meet death. Kind of fits my mood despite the happy beat of the ska song.
Damn, my hands cramping. Nothing to do but think and write. 4 pages so far.
Haven't watched the sun come up in forever. It's pretty. Fuck, I've elt my bitterness take away my jy in the simple things. How long since I went puddle jumping? Or just saw beauty in a strange place? Too long, I hink. Too long since I could create or observe something. How dead have I become? How long have I been like this? Some walking, talking shell of a person?
Fuck me. Why can't I just be left to live and make people happy?
Cold. I hate being cold. The only downside to window seats. Just realized, I don't even remember what all I have at Stephen's place, or what's on my HDD's. Getting kind of spacey. Not much longer though, and I'll be in Atlanta. Think we're starting to set up for our descent now, actually. It's pretty from up here.
Lots of lakes and rivers, big ones too. Heh, sing airplane Lav's are always fun. Little itty bitty space with a big butt sucks.
Goals:
-- Smaller butt - diet, excercise
-- School - enroll in january
-- Job - art time, less stress
It only looks simple on paper, doesn't it? The goals are easy, finding the motivation and give-a-damn is much, much harder. Huh, flight's a skosh early. That's always good news. Looks all snowy. Green and white with so many lakes. Then again, itis only like 34 degrees out, too. No wonder I'm cold. Glad I brought my boots too. Finally starting to wake up. This is a good thing. Being around people on meth has been good endurance training for this trip. Oh yeah, definately snowy. Heh, haven't seen snow since I was in Jersey. I love wing window seats. They're my favorite.