ugh
(streaming thoughts to vent personal frustrations. that's what a journal is for, right?)
so, I don't know how to socialize. as if anyone who might read this probably didn't figure. but I guess coming to terms with it, it's kinda becoming a problem. my social skills are completely nonexistent, being in large crowds makes me nervy and grouchy, being in small groups makes my brain shut down, I can't hold a conversation unless the other person does all the talking, and the end result of it all seems to be that I make a really bad friend and a bad person to talk to.
being isolated doesn't help, and I've been pretty much isolated for like... two years? I met absolutely zero people in colorado, so it was just Sunday and myself and the dogs and now that it's just myself and one dog (living with my parents in the middle of nowhere) it seems to be sliding downhill rapidly... I don't really know anyone in Tucson, and it's not like I can just drive the 40 miles one-way into tucson to go... do whatever people do to meet each other?? be that creepy guy alone at the bar??
I should find a job... after yellowstone.
my parents are the same as me, though, and I think that's where a lot of this behavior came from. growing up my parents never had friends or had anyone over, except maybe on the 4th of july we'd go hang out with another couple or something like that. but no social interaction except with themselves. I was pretty antisocial as a kid, too, but I was basically an only child so that isn't really too surprising...
it's difficult to start socializing. it's bad enough when you only know two or three people in a bigger group, but when you already feel like a leper and you're trying to manage completely by yourself... and everyone else has groups of people they hang out with and have known since birth. so I use facebook instead.
I'm afraid of the telephone, that's how bad it is. I can order a pizza or call my damned insurance company (which I have to do because those bastards in walsenburg have really screwed me over but that's another story.) but answering the phone and speaking to another person makes my palms sweat, my heart races, I can't control the volume of my voice and I feel nauseous depending on the person. so I don't answer and I listen to messages. and then I can't bring myself to call anyone back unless it's an emergency. text me and I'll get back to you within minutes, though. it's pathetic. hah, nobody calls anymore, though, so I can't even "work on it". painted myself into that corner.
I could write more, but then it would only serve to depress the hell out of me...
fuck.
I need drugs or something.
so, I don't know how to socialize. as if anyone who might read this probably didn't figure. but I guess coming to terms with it, it's kinda becoming a problem. my social skills are completely nonexistent, being in large crowds makes me nervy and grouchy, being in small groups makes my brain shut down, I can't hold a conversation unless the other person does all the talking, and the end result of it all seems to be that I make a really bad friend and a bad person to talk to.
being isolated doesn't help, and I've been pretty much isolated for like... two years? I met absolutely zero people in colorado, so it was just Sunday and myself and the dogs and now that it's just myself and one dog (living with my parents in the middle of nowhere) it seems to be sliding downhill rapidly... I don't really know anyone in Tucson, and it's not like I can just drive the 40 miles one-way into tucson to go... do whatever people do to meet each other?? be that creepy guy alone at the bar??
I should find a job... after yellowstone.
my parents are the same as me, though, and I think that's where a lot of this behavior came from. growing up my parents never had friends or had anyone over, except maybe on the 4th of july we'd go hang out with another couple or something like that. but no social interaction except with themselves. I was pretty antisocial as a kid, too, but I was basically an only child so that isn't really too surprising...
it's difficult to start socializing. it's bad enough when you only know two or three people in a bigger group, but when you already feel like a leper and you're trying to manage completely by yourself... and everyone else has groups of people they hang out with and have known since birth. so I use facebook instead.
I'm afraid of the telephone, that's how bad it is. I can order a pizza or call my damned insurance company (which I have to do because those bastards in walsenburg have really screwed me over but that's another story.) but answering the phone and speaking to another person makes my palms sweat, my heart races, I can't control the volume of my voice and I feel nauseous depending on the person. so I don't answer and I listen to messages. and then I can't bring myself to call anyone back unless it's an emergency. text me and I'll get back to you within minutes, though. it's pathetic. hah, nobody calls anymore, though, so I can't even "work on it". painted myself into that corner.
I could write more, but then it would only serve to depress the hell out of me...
fuck.
I need drugs or something.