Crawlin' towards the sun!!!! (Taken from myspace)
I have so many things that I need to write about and express, but iTunes is stuck on a shuffle that is preventing me from getting into a good groove. All I can think about is singing and dancing to Cry Me a River, which reminds me of something but oh well. It’s my stupid ass fault for deciding to adjust the volume to the highest possible setting for EVERY track, all 4223 of them. At least this is a good shuffle! Johnny Cash! Yes!
So, a lot of people are still asking me how I’m doing. I’m alive and I guess that makes you happy. Does it make me happy? Somedays. Certainly if I had worked up the courage for something a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have had the balls to message Adam. It’s funny when my only option is suicide and I think "It would be nice to see how Adam is doing! I want to know about NASA and the quazars!" (Giant burning black holes make me SO hot!) And aparently he knows little about them - ITs and Rocket Scientists are mortal enemies. Apparently the RS’ are high strung and don’t know how to work their email or "World Wide Webs." You give me 5 minutes alone with each of them and I’ll loosen them up, I tell you what. U kno, u kno.
But, I digress. So I messaged him and he made the horrible mistake of repling and eventually giving me his Myspace, which is now filled with seals, walrus, shark laughter, and alpacas that he MUST NOT FAP to.
And of course there’s the matter of eveyone that I love going through what I went through almost exactly a year ago. I can’t do that to people. And then the irony is my mom always telling me not to live for other people.
But, you know, I didn’t make it a secret. I wasn’t crying for help when I told people how I felt (feel, to an extent); that everyone can walk away from this, even people who had previously claimed to be 100% comitted to me, but I can’t walk away from it. It’s always here, staring me in the face. Even now as I write this I contemplate the intensity of the subjectmatter and wonder if it would be so intense were I not bipolar. Evem my therapist called me intense on Monday. But then, would there be much subject matter were I not bipolar? Who would I be? Perhaps much more confident? Thinner, much thinner, for sure. Bipolar is a cancer on my self identity, leeching away the necessary blood vessles that I need to truely know myself and to truely become content.
Basically, in a nutshell, and all eloquent and poetic phrasing aside - It really fucked with me when Dave left me listing Bipolar as one of the main reasons. Really, really fucked with and just plain fucked me. I felt like I had a partner, like I could get through this because I had someone from the ground holding my hand as I walked on a difficult and unsteady tightrope. But, apparently all I’ve actually got is a stick that I hold horizontally and excellent padding, should I fall onto my chest. If I fall on my ass I’m screwed. I wish my ass was more apple bottom. DAMN THESE WHITE PEOPLE GENES! FILLING ME WITH FUCKING BIPOLAR DISORDER AND FLAT ASS DISEASE!!!!!!
So, okay, you can stop crying and worrying now. OHMYGODTRISHPLZDON’TKILLURSELF!!!! THINK OF THE MUDKIPS! THE MUDKIPS!!!!
That was me about a month ago. Then Dave and I had a HUGE fight and by the end, when we made up, I really understand his need for self sufficency and him in general.
Ahh yes, The Hush Sound! You will help me write this! There is a reason why I titled this entry that which I did. Dave and I still talk every day. I’m glad. I love him so much, regardless of our status.
The night I messaged Adam was pretty signifigant for me. That was the night we had that huge fight. And in between crying I thought to myself, "What in the hell did you do before Dave?" Because, let’s face it, I’ve always been pretty popular amongst my friends and cats. And my mom has said once or twice that I’m pretty cool. So I thought I wanted to take some control and see if something happy could happen. So I stalked Adam on Facebook (I know, it’s so hard right?) and sent him the shortest message he’ll ever have the luxury of reciving from me. I just really wanted something good to happen. I didn’t know if he’d actually talk to me. I was afraid he hated me. Turns out he doesn’t, yet anyway. How many alpacas can one man handle? We’ll find out.
Sometime that weekend I realized how happy I am to be alone. It’s purifying. I have no one to answer to, I don’t have to worry too much about offending someone to the point of argument, and I can talk about marrying whomever and as many people as I choose! Which is good, seeing as The Dreaming is coming to DC in a month and... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Christopher. Wait... what’s going on? Am I having another awkaward sex dream? Oh, I’m at work. Right then.
Also sometime that weekend another blast from the past shot me a line - Dave Cannady! "Dave who?" "Dude, you know, Cannady?? The big black guy with the dreds?? He has that band..." "OHH YEAH! I KNOW HIM, TRISH!"
It’s really cool, apparently he really missed talking to me. I have a lot of fun talking to him and I hope to hang out with him more often. There was a bit of confusion between he and his gf, but I totally blame him because he is a) a man and b) AN ASSHOLE WHO FUCKING SOLD ME AN HP. FUCK YOU, MAN, FUCK YOU.
So this is good because when Richard leaves me for Cali (he is planning to kidnap and hold hostage Jessie Macnartney and/or Aaron Carter until one or both of them agrees to marry him.) Excuse me... He’s going to try looking at grad schools and get into music production. (Kidnap/hostage/marriage to hot boy[s]). Wait... I had a point.. WHEN MY RICHARD IS GONE I WILL NOT BE ALONE!!!! Plus, Dying Design is fucking awesome! Like I really respect Cannady as an artist moreso than most people. His shit is good. Richard can produce them. I will get royalties for introducing them. EVERYBODY IS WINNER!
So, along with coming to the conclusion that maybe it’s time I’m single for more than 6 months in these past 10 years (I wish I was kidding), I’ve also realized something else - there are a lot of people who really, really fucking love me. Like a lot. Which is really good, because I love them too. When I think about certain people (it’s a large number) my chest becomes tight and I get butterflies just thinking about how much they mean to me. It’s good to feel this way, really good. But, I’ve also realized that I need to be really guarded. Because, when I’m myself people get become hopelessly sucked into all that is Trish and her blonde, good natured, empathic ways. And they love me. They love me completely and unconditionally. And they know that I have bipolar and it’s really ok! She’s so much more than that! Now, give it some time and they’re drained. They want so badly to walk away and they can’t, out of guilt. I can’t keep doing this to people. I hurt people so badly without ever meaing to. Isn’t it ironic, you know, that I am me, queen empathy, and yet I hurt people more often than I help them, I think anyway. I don’t know, I obviously can’t tell you what you’re thinking. But, I’m just very afraid of doing to other people what I’ve done to Dave. I think the only two people who have really perfected what it means to be the best friend of someone with bipolar are Stef and Richard. I was horrible to them, and yet here they are. But, I just really need to keep my guard up. And, more importantly, I need to learn how to deal with shit on my own. I need to stop depeding on other people. I want to become one of those super cool dudes who doesn’t open up much but is really super cool and well liked.
I think if John and I don’t split a room in Philly to see Dana Snyder I’d like to try to spend a weekend at Stef’s sometime around the anaversery of the funeral. I really miss the kids. And I need to get drunk and show off scars with IDK, my BFF Stef??
I need to listen to something that’s not Magnolia (Hush Sound). It’s a really fucking sad song about someone in the hospital. It reminds me of watching someone die. For 9 months. God.
And now... We present you with Crawlin’ Towards the Sun! Which, is what I am attempting to do lately! I don’t want to feel like shit. I don’t want to think the only reason I’m alive is because I’m terrified of botching a suicide and winding up in a coma or stuck in the hospital. I thought it was funny that the lyrics to this song clicked with me and then Adam messaged me back. Kind of corny, but I always nicked him as Apollo (which child of Lito does that make me? If you don’t know then fuck you and take ARTEMISBEAR out of your five!) I think the recent reconnections with people from the past (a guy from my Phil 101 class imed me the other day and leaves me lots of comments on facebook!
) are symbolic as to what I need to do inside of myself. No, not get more use out of my excellently priced Doc Johnson ($40 value for $18!! Thnxu Brianne for telling me about Drugstore.com!!!!!!!!!!) While it’s sometime inside of me, um, I meant more along the lines of soul searching. I need to get back in touch with my roots, with who I am as a person instead of who I am in a relationship. Thusfar I have concluded I am funny as shit, have nice boobies, am pretty attractive with clothes on, sunburn easily, very intelligent, have nice boobies, easy to relate to, very insightful, and doesn’t afraid of anything! And has nice boobies. I’m sure you’re all curious about my hoar pics. I put them up to prove to myself that I could do it. My therapist said I was proving to myself that I have control over myself and my situation. It’s so true too.
I don’t want to be with anyone right now, and despite recent bouts of unbearable hypersexuality (see, Bipolar yet again!) I find it unwise to have any random hook ups. Instead, if I want to be molested, I will go to a bar with Brianne so we can dance with a pole and she can grab my boobs, butt, and crotch. And then leave me comments about how she misses "meaeknagingf out wtiht" me. I feel horrible that she got dumped two weeks after I did for even stupider reasons. (She’s shy and her puppy threw up on his rug). But, I dunno, at least we have each other for support, since we’re almost in the same boat. We need to go to a bar and go crazy again. 51 Peg is doing a show on the 31st that I may or may not be able to make.
I really feel like I should give special eProps to my friends at ATC. I really don’t know how I could have gotten through this with as few scrapes as I have without Andrea and Chiclo saying all the right things and Mike and John sitting around wishing they knew what to say. Even Jacob was a big help. I know Andrea has no idea why, but it really pushed me in the right way when he said he lost respect for me after seeing me completely break from all of this. His saying that, I think, is one of those subtle wakeup calls that the universe gives us. I’m slowly but efficently gluing myself back together. It’s a never ending process, because I think there is a knee in my ass and an ear where my elbow ought to be. On the plus side, these arm rests sound amazing!
I really can’t tell you how much I love this song. I’ll post the lyrics in a sec, but the chorus goes: "The shadows kept me hidden from the light that calls my name, all the creatures stood above me, now I’m crawlin towards the sun." I think that’s so me. I really realized how bad that relationship was for both of us, making us so dependent on each other. I don’t think he ever loved me the same way that I loved him. But, it’s ok. Because I need to get out of the darkness and into the light because there’s creatures out there that I need to hug! (Every day at the lake is a great struggle in which my head screams "MUST... NOT... HUG... DUCKS!")
Hmm well I have sushi to eat and a math test to study for. I think it is also important to point out that I may be back into my high school size soon. By no means skinny, but, shit! I think when I was with Dave I ate for two. Now I just eat, sleep, and do everything for only me! And it turns out, I don’t need that much!!! (Much to Adam’s surprise when I’m like "I GOT NEW SHOES." and he’s like "You’re always so happy over the little things!!!" But, I think if we only wait for the amazing to happen in order to be happy, well, not much amazing stuff happens to me anyway.)
Oh, but, yeah yeah don’t kill me, that also reminds me of something else. I really appeaceate everythiing and everyone that I have. So, thank you all for late night Skypes, drinking, saying horrible things to Stef’s kids, drinking, boobies, boobies, boobies, and OMG SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now:
Crawling Towards The Sun lyrics
Carousels make laps each night
Like drunks we spin until we’re sick
Creepy clowns from one horse towns
Can make their livings on a trick
Night covers all our tracks
To break some fragile backs
So we tell some lies
And then we hide from light
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
Candy lips that taste too sweet
Were sour in the summer heat
As the night fell I heard church bells
Say its time to leave
Out on the town we went
To carry out missions
Neither you or I
Would ever know sunlight
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
In the night light, we still shine bright (x4)
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
Tatas, my wonderfuls!!!!!!!!!!!
So, a lot of people are still asking me how I’m doing. I’m alive and I guess that makes you happy. Does it make me happy? Somedays. Certainly if I had worked up the courage for something a few weeks ago I wouldn’t have had the balls to message Adam. It’s funny when my only option is suicide and I think "It would be nice to see how Adam is doing! I want to know about NASA and the quazars!" (Giant burning black holes make me SO hot!) And aparently he knows little about them - ITs and Rocket Scientists are mortal enemies. Apparently the RS’ are high strung and don’t know how to work their email or "World Wide Webs." You give me 5 minutes alone with each of them and I’ll loosen them up, I tell you what. U kno, u kno.
But, I digress. So I messaged him and he made the horrible mistake of repling and eventually giving me his Myspace, which is now filled with seals, walrus, shark laughter, and alpacas that he MUST NOT FAP to.
And of course there’s the matter of eveyone that I love going through what I went through almost exactly a year ago. I can’t do that to people. And then the irony is my mom always telling me not to live for other people.
But, you know, I didn’t make it a secret. I wasn’t crying for help when I told people how I felt (feel, to an extent); that everyone can walk away from this, even people who had previously claimed to be 100% comitted to me, but I can’t walk away from it. It’s always here, staring me in the face. Even now as I write this I contemplate the intensity of the subjectmatter and wonder if it would be so intense were I not bipolar. Evem my therapist called me intense on Monday. But then, would there be much subject matter were I not bipolar? Who would I be? Perhaps much more confident? Thinner, much thinner, for sure. Bipolar is a cancer on my self identity, leeching away the necessary blood vessles that I need to truely know myself and to truely become content.
Basically, in a nutshell, and all eloquent and poetic phrasing aside - It really fucked with me when Dave left me listing Bipolar as one of the main reasons. Really, really fucked with and just plain fucked me. I felt like I had a partner, like I could get through this because I had someone from the ground holding my hand as I walked on a difficult and unsteady tightrope. But, apparently all I’ve actually got is a stick that I hold horizontally and excellent padding, should I fall onto my chest. If I fall on my ass I’m screwed. I wish my ass was more apple bottom. DAMN THESE WHITE PEOPLE GENES! FILLING ME WITH FUCKING BIPOLAR DISORDER AND FLAT ASS DISEASE!!!!!!
So, okay, you can stop crying and worrying now. OHMYGODTRISHPLZDON’TKILLURSELF!!!! THINK OF THE MUDKIPS! THE MUDKIPS!!!!
That was me about a month ago. Then Dave and I had a HUGE fight and by the end, when we made up, I really understand his need for self sufficency and him in general.
Ahh yes, The Hush Sound! You will help me write this! There is a reason why I titled this entry that which I did. Dave and I still talk every day. I’m glad. I love him so much, regardless of our status.
The night I messaged Adam was pretty signifigant for me. That was the night we had that huge fight. And in between crying I thought to myself, "What in the hell did you do before Dave?" Because, let’s face it, I’ve always been pretty popular amongst my friends and cats. And my mom has said once or twice that I’m pretty cool. So I thought I wanted to take some control and see if something happy could happen. So I stalked Adam on Facebook (I know, it’s so hard right?) and sent him the shortest message he’ll ever have the luxury of reciving from me. I just really wanted something good to happen. I didn’t know if he’d actually talk to me. I was afraid he hated me. Turns out he doesn’t, yet anyway. How many alpacas can one man handle? We’ll find out.
Sometime that weekend I realized how happy I am to be alone. It’s purifying. I have no one to answer to, I don’t have to worry too much about offending someone to the point of argument, and I can talk about marrying whomever and as many people as I choose! Which is good, seeing as The Dreaming is coming to DC in a month and... Mmmmmmmmmmmmmm Christopher. Wait... what’s going on? Am I having another awkaward sex dream? Oh, I’m at work. Right then.
Also sometime that weekend another blast from the past shot me a line - Dave Cannady! "Dave who?" "Dude, you know, Cannady?? The big black guy with the dreds?? He has that band..." "OHH YEAH! I KNOW HIM, TRISH!"
It’s really cool, apparently he really missed talking to me. I have a lot of fun talking to him and I hope to hang out with him more often. There was a bit of confusion between he and his gf, but I totally blame him because he is a) a man and b) AN ASSHOLE WHO FUCKING SOLD ME AN HP. FUCK YOU, MAN, FUCK YOU.
So this is good because when Richard leaves me for Cali (he is planning to kidnap and hold hostage Jessie Macnartney and/or Aaron Carter until one or both of them agrees to marry him.) Excuse me... He’s going to try looking at grad schools and get into music production. (Kidnap/hostage/marriage to hot boy[s]). Wait... I had a point.. WHEN MY RICHARD IS GONE I WILL NOT BE ALONE!!!! Plus, Dying Design is fucking awesome! Like I really respect Cannady as an artist moreso than most people. His shit is good. Richard can produce them. I will get royalties for introducing them. EVERYBODY IS WINNER!
So, along with coming to the conclusion that maybe it’s time I’m single for more than 6 months in these past 10 years (I wish I was kidding), I’ve also realized something else - there are a lot of people who really, really fucking love me. Like a lot. Which is really good, because I love them too. When I think about certain people (it’s a large number) my chest becomes tight and I get butterflies just thinking about how much they mean to me. It’s good to feel this way, really good. But, I’ve also realized that I need to be really guarded. Because, when I’m myself people get become hopelessly sucked into all that is Trish and her blonde, good natured, empathic ways. And they love me. They love me completely and unconditionally. And they know that I have bipolar and it’s really ok! She’s so much more than that! Now, give it some time and they’re drained. They want so badly to walk away and they can’t, out of guilt. I can’t keep doing this to people. I hurt people so badly without ever meaing to. Isn’t it ironic, you know, that I am me, queen empathy, and yet I hurt people more often than I help them, I think anyway. I don’t know, I obviously can’t tell you what you’re thinking. But, I’m just very afraid of doing to other people what I’ve done to Dave. I think the only two people who have really perfected what it means to be the best friend of someone with bipolar are Stef and Richard. I was horrible to them, and yet here they are. But, I just really need to keep my guard up. And, more importantly, I need to learn how to deal with shit on my own. I need to stop depeding on other people. I want to become one of those super cool dudes who doesn’t open up much but is really super cool and well liked.
I think if John and I don’t split a room in Philly to see Dana Snyder I’d like to try to spend a weekend at Stef’s sometime around the anaversery of the funeral. I really miss the kids. And I need to get drunk and show off scars with IDK, my BFF Stef??
I need to listen to something that’s not Magnolia (Hush Sound). It’s a really fucking sad song about someone in the hospital. It reminds me of watching someone die. For 9 months. God.
And now... We present you with Crawlin’ Towards the Sun! Which, is what I am attempting to do lately! I don’t want to feel like shit. I don’t want to think the only reason I’m alive is because I’m terrified of botching a suicide and winding up in a coma or stuck in the hospital. I thought it was funny that the lyrics to this song clicked with me and then Adam messaged me back. Kind of corny, but I always nicked him as Apollo (which child of Lito does that make me? If you don’t know then fuck you and take ARTEMISBEAR out of your five!) I think the recent reconnections with people from the past (a guy from my Phil 101 class imed me the other day and leaves me lots of comments on facebook!
) are symbolic as to what I need to do inside of myself. No, not get more use out of my excellently priced Doc Johnson ($40 value for $18!! Thnxu Brianne for telling me about Drugstore.com!!!!!!!!!!) While it’s sometime inside of me, um, I meant more along the lines of soul searching. I need to get back in touch with my roots, with who I am as a person instead of who I am in a relationship. Thusfar I have concluded I am funny as shit, have nice boobies, am pretty attractive with clothes on, sunburn easily, very intelligent, have nice boobies, easy to relate to, very insightful, and doesn’t afraid of anything! And has nice boobies. I’m sure you’re all curious about my hoar pics. I put them up to prove to myself that I could do it. My therapist said I was proving to myself that I have control over myself and my situation. It’s so true too.
I don’t want to be with anyone right now, and despite recent bouts of unbearable hypersexuality (see, Bipolar yet again!) I find it unwise to have any random hook ups. Instead, if I want to be molested, I will go to a bar with Brianne so we can dance with a pole and she can grab my boobs, butt, and crotch. And then leave me comments about how she misses "meaeknagingf out wtiht" me. I feel horrible that she got dumped two weeks after I did for even stupider reasons. (She’s shy and her puppy threw up on his rug). But, I dunno, at least we have each other for support, since we’re almost in the same boat. We need to go to a bar and go crazy again. 51 Peg is doing a show on the 31st that I may or may not be able to make.
I really feel like I should give special eProps to my friends at ATC. I really don’t know how I could have gotten through this with as few scrapes as I have without Andrea and Chiclo saying all the right things and Mike and John sitting around wishing they knew what to say. Even Jacob was a big help. I know Andrea has no idea why, but it really pushed me in the right way when he said he lost respect for me after seeing me completely break from all of this. His saying that, I think, is one of those subtle wakeup calls that the universe gives us. I’m slowly but efficently gluing myself back together. It’s a never ending process, because I think there is a knee in my ass and an ear where my elbow ought to be. On the plus side, these arm rests sound amazing!
I really can’t tell you how much I love this song. I’ll post the lyrics in a sec, but the chorus goes: "The shadows kept me hidden from the light that calls my name, all the creatures stood above me, now I’m crawlin towards the sun." I think that’s so me. I really realized how bad that relationship was for both of us, making us so dependent on each other. I don’t think he ever loved me the same way that I loved him. But, it’s ok. Because I need to get out of the darkness and into the light because there’s creatures out there that I need to hug! (Every day at the lake is a great struggle in which my head screams "MUST... NOT... HUG... DUCKS!")
Hmm well I have sushi to eat and a math test to study for. I think it is also important to point out that I may be back into my high school size soon. By no means skinny, but, shit! I think when I was with Dave I ate for two. Now I just eat, sleep, and do everything for only me! And it turns out, I don’t need that much!!! (Much to Adam’s surprise when I’m like "I GOT NEW SHOES." and he’s like "You’re always so happy over the little things!!!" But, I think if we only wait for the amazing to happen in order to be happy, well, not much amazing stuff happens to me anyway.)
Oh, but, yeah yeah don’t kill me, that also reminds me of something else. I really appeaceate everythiing and everyone that I have. So, thank you all for late night Skypes, drinking, saying horrible things to Stef’s kids, drinking, boobies, boobies, boobies, and OMG SHOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And now:
Crawling Towards The Sun lyrics
Carousels make laps each night
Like drunks we spin until we’re sick
Creepy clowns from one horse towns
Can make their livings on a trick
Night covers all our tracks
To break some fragile backs
So we tell some lies
And then we hide from light
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
Candy lips that taste too sweet
Were sour in the summer heat
As the night fell I heard church bells
Say its time to leave
Out on the town we went
To carry out missions
Neither you or I
Would ever know sunlight
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
In the night light, we still shine bright (x4)
One night I fell asleep
And woke up on that sunny street
At first I thought I couldn’t
But now I see
That the shadows kept me hidden
From the light that calls my name
All the creatures stood above me
Now I’m crawling towards the sun
Tatas, my wonderfuls!!!!!!!!!!!