Hard Hitters
I really lack the energy to go into it, but I'll just put it down so it becomes concerete...
So, it really hit me today that it's offically, finally, totally, completely, utterly over. We're just not right for each other. At all. I'd had a whole thing that I said to Richard and Andrea last night, then I spend an hour on the phone with him bullshitting and I just melted. But, he's just not right for me. Last night Richard first said, "Can I tell you something?"
Me: Ok...
Richard: I never thought he was good enough for you.
Me: You know who else said those exact words?? Brianne.
That really sunk into me. Like, I just put up with so much from him. Mood swings and the like. Calling me a bitch on my birthday - TWICE - is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Drunk or not. It was uncalled for, especially considering the scene he was making, in front of my closest IRL friends and Richard's neighborhood. That, calling me a slut for two hours when I was 17, and leaving me for having bipolar are three things that will never, ever leave me.
Then Richard told me that I'm the ideal kind of girlfriend because of everything that I put up with everything and I go out of my way to make my partner happy and comfortable. I was so choked up when he said that. The me a few years ago would have denied this, but shit, it's fucking true.
I'd say whoever gets me next will be so fucking lucky, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever. I hope not, but I just feel like it's going to be so hard falling in love again. And I don't want to date around a lot. I hate breakups. I think that's part of why I stay in these abusive relationships. I just really hate change, even good change.
But, on the plus side, I'm not even going to try to look for a relationship or even some forgettable mess-arounds for quite some time. I need to be single for many, many moons. I'm taking this really seriously. This is probably the most important internal change that I'm ever going to make, so it's going to be done with a lot of care and anal retention. I'm also going to make a list of everything that I want in a partner. A kind of contract with myself. My mom made one and a few months later met Mike :D
I also really miss Poppop, sooo much. I keep thinking about the Carebear (Goodluckbear) card I gave him for St.Patrick's day last year. He LOVED that card. It had a Carebear and it was from me. It meant so much to him that he has me hang it on the wall. It just hurts so much, because that's pretty much all he had. He couldn't hear the tv towards the end. He couldn't see right without his glasses. God, I know he felt so alone. I tried my best, I really really did, but I pretty much only saw him once a week. I hate that he had to go through that. I miss him so fucking much. I can't believe it's been 11 months and a day. It never hurts any less. It just becomes slightly more believeable over time.
Oh and, one more thing - Tomorrow is period day. HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Soon I will feel slightly stable once this horrible PMS is over!!!!!
And fun news - Stef and I are going to get piss silly drunk over the phone tomorrow. Because we don't have any real friends near us and we live 3 hours away. I miss my Steffie :( I really hope she moved to Northern VA soon. Because A) Caleb will be making more money!!!! And B) STEFANIE WILL BE LIKE AN HOUR OR 2 AWAY AND I CAN GO SEE HER LIKE ONCE A MONTH AND WE WILL DRINK AND I WILL SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO THE KIDS!!!!!!!!
An example of something I told Benny about running into the street: I said if he runs into the street a car will hit him and make him flat like a pancake and the crows will eat him. We laughed so fucking hard as Benny didn't get it. "Pancakes, Trish?" "Yes, Benny. The crows will eat you."
Some nameless jerk said he might call me today. (IE: In girl, especially Trish, this means my phone was supposed to ring hours ago. Kinda like Stef saying she probably can't see me when goes to buy her car and she didn't call until she got way past DC on her way home. I was so bummed that we didn't get to have dinner, because obvs, "probably not" = "I SUPER SUPER PROMISE!!!!") He hasn't. I will beat him with my Volvonium that I aquired from Sweeden. Volvonium is the hardest substance known to man, even diamonds. And then I'll cook his Seaking (FUCK YEAH!) and make him watch me and my Mudkips eat it. Except I think he's a better cook than I am? So like he'd have to cook it. Making my victory all the sweeter. Ass.
I have to go look at Stef's cat picture and continue to die from Dysentery.
OH OH OH BUT I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL DYSENTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So, it really hit me today that it's offically, finally, totally, completely, utterly over. We're just not right for each other. At all. I'd had a whole thing that I said to Richard and Andrea last night, then I spend an hour on the phone with him bullshitting and I just melted. But, he's just not right for me. Last night Richard first said, "Can I tell you something?"
Me: Ok...
Richard: I never thought he was good enough for you.
Me: You know who else said those exact words?? Brianne.
That really sunk into me. Like, I just put up with so much from him. Mood swings and the like. Calling me a bitch on my birthday - TWICE - is something that will stick with me for the rest of my life. Drunk or not. It was uncalled for, especially considering the scene he was making, in front of my closest IRL friends and Richard's neighborhood. That, calling me a slut for two hours when I was 17, and leaving me for having bipolar are three things that will never, ever leave me.
Then Richard told me that I'm the ideal kind of girlfriend because of everything that I put up with everything and I go out of my way to make my partner happy and comfortable. I was so choked up when he said that. The me a few years ago would have denied this, but shit, it's fucking true.
I'd say whoever gets me next will be so fucking lucky, but I dunno. Maybe I'm just meant to be alone forever. I hope not, but I just feel like it's going to be so hard falling in love again. And I don't want to date around a lot. I hate breakups. I think that's part of why I stay in these abusive relationships. I just really hate change, even good change.
But, on the plus side, I'm not even going to try to look for a relationship or even some forgettable mess-arounds for quite some time. I need to be single for many, many moons. I'm taking this really seriously. This is probably the most important internal change that I'm ever going to make, so it's going to be done with a lot of care and anal retention. I'm also going to make a list of everything that I want in a partner. A kind of contract with myself. My mom made one and a few months later met Mike :D
I also really miss Poppop, sooo much. I keep thinking about the Carebear (Goodluckbear) card I gave him for St.Patrick's day last year. He LOVED that card. It had a Carebear and it was from me. It meant so much to him that he has me hang it on the wall. It just hurts so much, because that's pretty much all he had. He couldn't hear the tv towards the end. He couldn't see right without his glasses. God, I know he felt so alone. I tried my best, I really really did, but I pretty much only saw him once a week. I hate that he had to go through that. I miss him so fucking much. I can't believe it's been 11 months and a day. It never hurts any less. It just becomes slightly more believeable over time.
Oh and, one more thing - Tomorrow is period day. HUZZAH!!!!!!!!!!!! Soon I will feel slightly stable once this horrible PMS is over!!!!!
And fun news - Stef and I are going to get piss silly drunk over the phone tomorrow. Because we don't have any real friends near us and we live 3 hours away. I miss my Steffie :( I really hope she moved to Northern VA soon. Because A) Caleb will be making more money!!!! And B) STEFANIE WILL BE LIKE AN HOUR OR 2 AWAY AND I CAN GO SEE HER LIKE ONCE A MONTH AND WE WILL DRINK AND I WILL SAY HORRIBLE THINGS TO THE KIDS!!!!!!!!
An example of something I told Benny about running into the street: I said if he runs into the street a car will hit him and make him flat like a pancake and the crows will eat him. We laughed so fucking hard as Benny didn't get it. "Pancakes, Trish?" "Yes, Benny. The crows will eat you."
Some nameless jerk said he might call me today. (IE: In girl, especially Trish, this means my phone was supposed to ring hours ago. Kinda like Stef saying she probably can't see me when goes to buy her car and she didn't call until she got way past DC on her way home. I was so bummed that we didn't get to have dinner, because obvs, "probably not" = "I SUPER SUPER PROMISE!!!!") He hasn't. I will beat him with my Volvonium that I aquired from Sweeden. Volvonium is the hardest substance known to man, even diamonds. And then I'll cook his Seaking (FUCK YEAH!) and make him watch me and my Mudkips eat it. Except I think he's a better cook than I am? So like he'd have to cook it. Making my victory all the sweeter. Ass.
I have to go look at Stef's cat picture and continue to die from Dysentery.
OH OH OH BUT I LEARNED HOW TO SPELL DYSENTERY!!!!!!!!!!!!! HOORAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!