Life Altering
Wow. So... God must have looked down and noticed I was happy... Cause... He threw one of those cosmic wrenches straight at my smile.
Early last week mom called. She said my 16 year old cousin, Jack, had been complaining of really severe headaches. His father (recently unemployed) had nothing beter to do, so on this particular day, his father decided to go ahead and take him in to the doctor. The doctor thought "well we should rule out anything extreme, so lets do an brain scan (whatever you call it). There was a tumor the size of an orange in this kid's head.
So. Wow. Okay. Shitty. Really risky opporation. Sucessful though. They had to take out more brain tissue than they would have liked, but he was recovering nicely, back to his same old self. Of course the tumor was sent off to see test it to determine if it was malignant or begnine. It was supposed to come back Wed. In the mean time, Jack was banished from doing any homework or going anywhere or doing anything, except play video games for eye hand coordination. Poor thing. Let's all have a good chuckle. Mom and Garrett drove to Chicago to see them. My mom says that my aunt is doing pretty poorly. As a mother would. Now an interesting note is that there are 9 types of tumors an adult can have while there are quite a bit more that children get, and alot of those are harmless (compared to cancer).THe odds are in our favor. right?
So today. Amidst having some meaningless spat with Taylor My mom calls. The test results are in. The doctor told my aunt and uncle the name of the type of cancer, but told them not to look it up on the internet until they can hear it from the cancer doctor (i can't remember what you call that either, I'm under alot of stress). So my grandparents looked it up. SCARY SHIT. It's a VERY aggressive form of cancer. mom didn't tell me the name.
I care about my cousin. But you know how some people are just related to you by blood? He's just always been this strange kid, so I don't break down and cry when I think of him going through this. He's a pretty resiliant child. But I love my aunt to death. She is one of the most awesome women I know and I have always looked up to her. When I think of her... She's not even taking phone calls anymore. She's broken. That's the heaviest weight on my heart, followed by Lauren, Jack's little sister, who has always had a huge heart.
So now what?
I hang up. continue to fight with taylor. for a moment. then choke up, throw my phone and tell him the news. I pretty much shut down from that moment. He dissapears and then comes in all upset from the unresolved fight and decides to go to bed at 7:45 at night. We fight a little bit longer about what he should have said to avoid our fight and what I should have said oor done, but I know, that for me, it's not about him at all anymore. I want to fly to chicago and save my aunt. I want taylor to stop pretending like anything in the world matters right now except her. She doesn't care I was irritated his practice ran late. He doesn't know. If he stopped for one moment and let his hot head cool off he'd realise i'm not peaches and cream. I got my keys and my purse and said "This is stupid. I have better things to do than fight with you about something that doesn't matter. I am going to go drive around and think of my aunt and cry my heart out. As I walked by the room I heard him punch the wall. Normally that would bother me, scare me and probably make me a little pissed. but you know what? I can't deal with him. I can't make him okay right now. I can't care about him being mad at the wall because I am at my extent. I came to my college (which doesn't feel like my college, but hell, i have an ID.) and i am on the library internet.
I don't want to feel okay again. I don't want to curl up and have him hold me and i know he won't understand that. Right now I am not sad. I'm pissed. I'm scared and I want to run really fast until i can't breathe. I think I'll do that when I finish writing. I'm going to go outside, take my boots and socks off, and run until i can't breathe.
I don't mean to rag on taylor. When he gets defensive it's hard for him to see the whole picture. He's just like the rest of the humans in this world. But I can't deal with him right now. I love him to death but i can't conect to anyone right now. I have had enough human connection. I am swollen with human connection. I can't. Strangers, okay. But please don't ask me about my cousin. I have to deal with him on my own terms.
Early last week mom called. She said my 16 year old cousin, Jack, had been complaining of really severe headaches. His father (recently unemployed) had nothing beter to do, so on this particular day, his father decided to go ahead and take him in to the doctor. The doctor thought "well we should rule out anything extreme, so lets do an brain scan (whatever you call it). There was a tumor the size of an orange in this kid's head.
So. Wow. Okay. Shitty. Really risky opporation. Sucessful though. They had to take out more brain tissue than they would have liked, but he was recovering nicely, back to his same old self. Of course the tumor was sent off to see test it to determine if it was malignant or begnine. It was supposed to come back Wed. In the mean time, Jack was banished from doing any homework or going anywhere or doing anything, except play video games for eye hand coordination. Poor thing. Let's all have a good chuckle. Mom and Garrett drove to Chicago to see them. My mom says that my aunt is doing pretty poorly. As a mother would. Now an interesting note is that there are 9 types of tumors an adult can have while there are quite a bit more that children get, and alot of those are harmless (compared to cancer).THe odds are in our favor. right?
So today. Amidst having some meaningless spat with Taylor My mom calls. The test results are in. The doctor told my aunt and uncle the name of the type of cancer, but told them not to look it up on the internet until they can hear it from the cancer doctor (i can't remember what you call that either, I'm under alot of stress). So my grandparents looked it up. SCARY SHIT. It's a VERY aggressive form of cancer. mom didn't tell me the name.
I care about my cousin. But you know how some people are just related to you by blood? He's just always been this strange kid, so I don't break down and cry when I think of him going through this. He's a pretty resiliant child. But I love my aunt to death. She is one of the most awesome women I know and I have always looked up to her. When I think of her... She's not even taking phone calls anymore. She's broken. That's the heaviest weight on my heart, followed by Lauren, Jack's little sister, who has always had a huge heart.
So now what?
I hang up. continue to fight with taylor. for a moment. then choke up, throw my phone and tell him the news. I pretty much shut down from that moment. He dissapears and then comes in all upset from the unresolved fight and decides to go to bed at 7:45 at night. We fight a little bit longer about what he should have said to avoid our fight and what I should have said oor done, but I know, that for me, it's not about him at all anymore. I want to fly to chicago and save my aunt. I want taylor to stop pretending like anything in the world matters right now except her. She doesn't care I was irritated his practice ran late. He doesn't know. If he stopped for one moment and let his hot head cool off he'd realise i'm not peaches and cream. I got my keys and my purse and said "This is stupid. I have better things to do than fight with you about something that doesn't matter. I am going to go drive around and think of my aunt and cry my heart out. As I walked by the room I heard him punch the wall. Normally that would bother me, scare me and probably make me a little pissed. but you know what? I can't deal with him. I can't make him okay right now. I can't care about him being mad at the wall because I am at my extent. I came to my college (which doesn't feel like my college, but hell, i have an ID.) and i am on the library internet.
I don't want to feel okay again. I don't want to curl up and have him hold me and i know he won't understand that. Right now I am not sad. I'm pissed. I'm scared and I want to run really fast until i can't breathe. I think I'll do that when I finish writing. I'm going to go outside, take my boots and socks off, and run until i can't breathe.
I don't mean to rag on taylor. When he gets defensive it's hard for him to see the whole picture. He's just like the rest of the humans in this world. But I can't deal with him right now. I love him to death but i can't conect to anyone right now. I have had enough human connection. I am swollen with human connection. I can't. Strangers, okay. But please don't ask me about my cousin. I have to deal with him on my own terms.