You can't always get what you want
I was writing an entry in my teaching blog, and it turned into an exploration of (and lamentation) on friendship, so I'm going to alter it somewhat and expand on it here.
This week, I hung out with two groups of my coworkers. On St. Patty's Day I got beers with two ladies, which was fun because I got to know more about this one girl and her love life. On Thursday, it was Micheal's birthday so I hung out with a different crowd, which was also a lot of fun because of the debauchery and general hilariousness of the company. Yet, I still feel like I'm friends with all of them on a superficial level (except Micheal). And normally, that would be fine, and I wouldn't be jealous that they all seem like they're great friends who hang out on the weekends and party all the time. But this time, I feel left out, and I think it's because I'm having somewhat of a falling out with my regular group of friends. (The problem is that they're all dating each other. Drama abounds. I try to avoid drama by not hanging out with them.) So even though I don't really want to be BFFs with my coworkers, it would be nice if they would just invite me to all their stuff until my own friends resolve their crap. Which will never happen, because I'm not comfortable or outgoing enough to try to organize any hanging out, and I'm still very against the idea of becoming too close to people that I work with (except Micheal). The reason isn't because I don't like or trust any one person or group of people, it's because in any close group of friends, drama happens. So if your group of friends is made up of your coworkers, there's going to be drama at work. I find it hard enough to do my job as it is without having to deal with friend drama. I got a small taste of it last year. Didn't like it. Thus, I don't want to be BFFs with any of my coworkers. I deal with friend drama in my own social circle by avoiding events that I deem potentially dramatic. As a result, Willie and I are often alone and I feel like I don't have any close friends who live here. Do you have to have drama to have close friends? I don't know.
But as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about how much I miss those close friendships I used to have at Smith, although most of those have all but vanished. Particularly in sophomore year, I had a great time, partied a lot in Albright, and felt close enough to several people to cry on their beds whenever Jeff and I were fighting or something else was wrong. Was there drama? OH MY GOD WAS THERE EVER. Sophomore year had the most drama out of anything I've dealt with since. But it was still fun, and now I mostly remember the good times. The same thing goes for JYA, even though I've been more nostalgic for Smith lately.
And when I think about the people who used to be BFFs, but who moved and are now still close (or close-ish) friends but separated by (at least some) distance, I can't name one of them who I haven't had drama with at one point or another. Dorothy, Dana, Alex, Lena, Greg...enough said. Even Sarah and I had our moments and although you have to reach back really far, Al and I have had our fair share of drama as well. I pride my relationship with Willie on the fact that we almost never fight and are still able to talk about the occasional thing that pops up in our relationship that bothers one of us, but we still have drama that comes from exterior influences. I just consider it to be ours because we deal with it together. Then there's my sister. We can have an all-out brawl one night and then wake up the next morning and be friends again.
So maybe you can't have one without the other. I want the closeness without the drama, but I'm either going to have to accept the latter or go without the former. I don't think I'm ready or willing to take the plunge with my current group of friends or my coworkers, so perhaps I'll try to call my far away BFF's more. Or meet new people.
This week, I hung out with two groups of my coworkers. On St. Patty's Day I got beers with two ladies, which was fun because I got to know more about this one girl and her love life. On Thursday, it was Micheal's birthday so I hung out with a different crowd, which was also a lot of fun because of the debauchery and general hilariousness of the company. Yet, I still feel like I'm friends with all of them on a superficial level (except Micheal). And normally, that would be fine, and I wouldn't be jealous that they all seem like they're great friends who hang out on the weekends and party all the time. But this time, I feel left out, and I think it's because I'm having somewhat of a falling out with my regular group of friends. (The problem is that they're all dating each other. Drama abounds. I try to avoid drama by not hanging out with them.) So even though I don't really want to be BFFs with my coworkers, it would be nice if they would just invite me to all their stuff until my own friends resolve their crap. Which will never happen, because I'm not comfortable or outgoing enough to try to organize any hanging out, and I'm still very against the idea of becoming too close to people that I work with (except Micheal). The reason isn't because I don't like or trust any one person or group of people, it's because in any close group of friends, drama happens. So if your group of friends is made up of your coworkers, there's going to be drama at work. I find it hard enough to do my job as it is without having to deal with friend drama. I got a small taste of it last year. Didn't like it. Thus, I don't want to be BFFs with any of my coworkers. I deal with friend drama in my own social circle by avoiding events that I deem potentially dramatic. As a result, Willie and I are often alone and I feel like I don't have any close friends who live here. Do you have to have drama to have close friends? I don't know.
But as I was thinking about this, I was also thinking about how much I miss those close friendships I used to have at Smith, although most of those have all but vanished. Particularly in sophomore year, I had a great time, partied a lot in Albright, and felt close enough to several people to cry on their beds whenever Jeff and I were fighting or something else was wrong. Was there drama? OH MY GOD WAS THERE EVER. Sophomore year had the most drama out of anything I've dealt with since. But it was still fun, and now I mostly remember the good times. The same thing goes for JYA, even though I've been more nostalgic for Smith lately.
And when I think about the people who used to be BFFs, but who moved and are now still close (or close-ish) friends but separated by (at least some) distance, I can't name one of them who I haven't had drama with at one point or another. Dorothy, Dana, Alex, Lena, Greg...enough said. Even Sarah and I had our moments and although you have to reach back really far, Al and I have had our fair share of drama as well. I pride my relationship with Willie on the fact that we almost never fight and are still able to talk about the occasional thing that pops up in our relationship that bothers one of us, but we still have drama that comes from exterior influences. I just consider it to be ours because we deal with it together. Then there's my sister. We can have an all-out brawl one night and then wake up the next morning and be friends again.
So maybe you can't have one without the other. I want the closeness without the drama, but I'm either going to have to accept the latter or go without the former. I don't think I'm ready or willing to take the plunge with my current group of friends or my coworkers, so perhaps I'll try to call my far away BFF's more. Or meet new people.