If I saw you now....could I look in your eyes?
it's sooo strange how life can be fucking fantastic, utterly, one day and then the next thing you know it's as bad as it can get.
aymer and i broke up.
i didn't get a job teaching biology this year (yet).
i spent 4 months taking care of my dying uncle who died october 20th at 41 years old.
i live with my parents again. i fucking live with my parents again. i am a high school science teacher for god's sake, uhhh.
i have endometriosis and had surgery. of course i got real sick and found all this out right* after aymer left.
and i feel like i am just as much of a fuck up as i was when i was 13.
things were certainly bad between aymer and me at the end. but there really wasn't an end, it just feels like we're apart for now. we still talk and text each other. and i realize now that we acted cruel and awful but it was just a phase, a thing, you know, like a funk we were going through...the way all long-term relationships are when going into the 3rd year. and we're both in such god awful places, lows, in our lives- completely separately. no matter what, we were NEVER this bad or depressed when we were together. we had no idea when we were in it.
i took it for granted cos i had planned on spending my life with him, i was finally comfortable with that, or so i thought. and i've been doing pretty well, i go out if we haven't spoken in awhile. but lately i've been feeling this loss pretty hard- like i'm sure* now that we made the wrong decision. we just needed a break from each other. we had jumped right into the bills and shitty jobs and all the bad stuff relatively quickly so we just missed the good times so bad. working opposite schedules- we had no money or time to go on dates. we just smoked pot and worked and got fat.
i really try to be strong and not let myself be so vulnerable, but god, i really miss him. he is my best friend.
oh, and i finally quit smoking since taking it back up at the end of the grading period last school year. it's only been 7 days but it's a start.
"Does love ever end
When two hearts have torn away?
Or does it go on
And beat strong anyway?
You've loved me before
Do you love me now?"
aymer and i broke up.
i didn't get a job teaching biology this year (yet).
i spent 4 months taking care of my dying uncle who died october 20th at 41 years old.
i live with my parents again. i fucking live with my parents again. i am a high school science teacher for god's sake, uhhh.
i have endometriosis and had surgery. of course i got real sick and found all this out right* after aymer left.
and i feel like i am just as much of a fuck up as i was when i was 13.
things were certainly bad between aymer and me at the end. but there really wasn't an end, it just feels like we're apart for now. we still talk and text each other. and i realize now that we acted cruel and awful but it was just a phase, a thing, you know, like a funk we were going through...the way all long-term relationships are when going into the 3rd year. and we're both in such god awful places, lows, in our lives- completely separately. no matter what, we were NEVER this bad or depressed when we were together. we had no idea when we were in it.
i took it for granted cos i had planned on spending my life with him, i was finally comfortable with that, or so i thought. and i've been doing pretty well, i go out if we haven't spoken in awhile. but lately i've been feeling this loss pretty hard- like i'm sure* now that we made the wrong decision. we just needed a break from each other. we had jumped right into the bills and shitty jobs and all the bad stuff relatively quickly so we just missed the good times so bad. working opposite schedules- we had no money or time to go on dates. we just smoked pot and worked and got fat.
i really try to be strong and not let myself be so vulnerable, but god, i really miss him. he is my best friend.
oh, and i finally quit smoking since taking it back up at the end of the grading period last school year. it's only been 7 days but it's a start.
"Does love ever end
When two hearts have torn away?
Or does it go on
And beat strong anyway?
You've loved me before
Do you love me now?"