Dai suki? Aho..
So, Alex has become my social life. My boyfriend has become an absentee. I am surprised, actually. It is funny, because he rarely actually surprises me.. but when he does, it never fails to be an incredibly heartbreaking experience. Maybe Merry is right. Maybe I am far too optimistic.
I would not like to run through the circles of ridiculous discussery every day. I would like to do it once,establish the relationship boundaries,and be happy. I realise that we do discuss this far too much, and I know that it has a lot to do with my being too chicken to just say what I want from him.
I feel as if I haven't the right, considering that we are newly encoupled, and that he has to drive ten hours round trip every time we actually have a date.. and considering his 'condition'. I feel as if it is not fair. I know also, that it is not fair to discuss these things with third parties, but somehow.. when talking to third parties I am removed from the fear that my conversational partner will freak out, "AFTER ALL THAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME? THIS IS BULLSHIT. NOBODY DOES THIS! YOU ARE INSANE! IT IS OVER!"
He says that I have a bad attitude.. and he's right. But, he's got the particulars all wrong. My attitude is not bad in that I don't want to get better, or be okay. I really want to be ok. Also, it isn't that I don't Have goals, it's that the goals that I have are kind of.. misplaced, perhaps.
This morning, I came to the realisation that I am going to uni for all of the wrong reasons. Well, I had realised BEFORE, but I suppose that it never quite sunk in. The entire purpose of an education is the allocation of skills and knowledge... I am all about the collection of these items.. but.. I have absolutely no intention of pursuing a career in any of these languages, etc.
I want to learn for my own personal enjoyment. I want to act for a living. He's right; I am not concerned about financial gain. If I were, I wouldn't consider theatre. I am just so confused about what's going on with my life..
I do not understand my current relationships with
Education
Employment
Residence
Family
Theatre
Dysmorphia
Friendship
Him
and.. I would really like to. I'd like to have one simple discussion, setting limits, and then free myself of insecurities. It is not a matter of not trusting him. It's a matter of being unable to place any kind of expectations without some kind of definitive statement. I just wish it weren't so hard to say something.
And I'm getting weirded out that I never hear from him anymore when he's off work.. As if.. I am a task.. to be dealt with while stressed out.. not worth the expense of free time..
I would not like to run through the circles of ridiculous discussery every day. I would like to do it once,establish the relationship boundaries,and be happy. I realise that we do discuss this far too much, and I know that it has a lot to do with my being too chicken to just say what I want from him.
I feel as if I haven't the right, considering that we are newly encoupled, and that he has to drive ten hours round trip every time we actually have a date.. and considering his 'condition'. I feel as if it is not fair. I know also, that it is not fair to discuss these things with third parties, but somehow.. when talking to third parties I am removed from the fear that my conversational partner will freak out, "AFTER ALL THAT I HAVE DONE FOR YOU! WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME? THIS IS BULLSHIT. NOBODY DOES THIS! YOU ARE INSANE! IT IS OVER!"
He says that I have a bad attitude.. and he's right. But, he's got the particulars all wrong. My attitude is not bad in that I don't want to get better, or be okay. I really want to be ok. Also, it isn't that I don't Have goals, it's that the goals that I have are kind of.. misplaced, perhaps.
This morning, I came to the realisation that I am going to uni for all of the wrong reasons. Well, I had realised BEFORE, but I suppose that it never quite sunk in. The entire purpose of an education is the allocation of skills and knowledge... I am all about the collection of these items.. but.. I have absolutely no intention of pursuing a career in any of these languages, etc.
I want to learn for my own personal enjoyment. I want to act for a living. He's right; I am not concerned about financial gain. If I were, I wouldn't consider theatre. I am just so confused about what's going on with my life..
I do not understand my current relationships with
Education
Employment
Residence
Family
Theatre
Dysmorphia
Friendship
Him
and.. I would really like to. I'd like to have one simple discussion, setting limits, and then free myself of insecurities. It is not a matter of not trusting him. It's a matter of being unable to place any kind of expectations without some kind of definitive statement. I just wish it weren't so hard to say something.
And I'm getting weirded out that I never hear from him anymore when he's off work.. As if.. I am a task.. to be dealt with while stressed out.. not worth the expense of free time..