I've tried for three years.....seems like thirty....seems like thirty.....
Showtunes always perk me up. I wonder how sad that is.
I really have decided that I need to do something about something.
Maybe I should tell Valentino that I never ever want to see him again....except I do. I want to see him forever and ever and every day. lol ......Or maybe it should be Alex. But I really think it would be a shitty thing to do to just walk out on Alex. Especially because Alex thinks people are so horrible...and it's like...I feel that I need to make Alex better..but..I feel that our friendship is just so far gone that there's nothing I can do that won't just drag it out and make it more painful...and I don't want that...and I don't want to just snap it and walk away....but I wonder if Alex wouldn't mind.
"Please be okay. Goodbye." ...Is that really okay?
and I don't think I can just walk out on V because I promised him I would always help him.... sigh. AND I MEANT WHAT I SAID. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM ALWAYS AS LONG AS HE NEEDS ME TO. I just miss him so much. I wish he hadn't gone away,or that he had somehow brought me with him. hah. I wish he would come back. I WISH HE WOULD JUST GIVE ME A DAMNED PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE AND MAKE ME FEEL MINORLY IMPORTANT.
I am becoming more and more miserable at the prospect of not being allowed to do Jesus Christ: Superstar. I need to further sell myself to the theatre department somehow....even though they practically own my soul.
This semestre I can literally feel myself being ripped apart by everybody who wants a piece of me. And it has yet to begin. I can already feel the fucking pulling. It's a very uh.....anxious sense of impending doom....or something.
Sometimes I wish that somebody would just hold me and let me sleep.....
Speaking of miserable: Last night we were supposed to have a little theatre gathering on the beach with a few bottles of liquor. Kali told me she wasn't going.....Ryan had to go down there early cos he was visiting a friend before hand and could not bring me....and you know...Jen and Hunter didn't even have the decency to call me back and say "No,I can't pick you up on my way down" Jesus,way to make somebody feel like you want them places......So then Aly txts me saying that evidently KENNEDY doesn't want drinking at the beach,because Kennedy is somehow in charge of ALY'S party....yeah....so they'd decided to not do it.....and then they decided to not do anything.....and so Aly was seriously annoyed.....and then I sent her some bitchy txts back about how people don't have to be so horrible to me. lol. I have so much angst :)
Yesterday I went to Tiffany/Claire's house. We watched The Importance of Being Earnest and I felt kind of weepy. lol....and then we watched Crybaby and I felt weepier. "Gee,I wish my highschool had been like that"....Cute girls....the thrill of being a normal teenager....cute boys...no such chance.....(speaking of highschool-----the gaming forum really makes me miss art school...)
Today is my last day....I go back to school and work and more work tomorrow...and I have an audition Wednesday night.....so starting then I will no longer have nights...
Is it so wrong to just wish I could make EVERYBODY okay?
My,my,baby's gonna cry..tonight.
I really have decided that I need to do something about something.
Maybe I should tell Valentino that I never ever want to see him again....except I do. I want to see him forever and ever and every day. lol ......Or maybe it should be Alex. But I really think it would be a shitty thing to do to just walk out on Alex. Especially because Alex thinks people are so horrible...and it's like...I feel that I need to make Alex better..but..I feel that our friendship is just so far gone that there's nothing I can do that won't just drag it out and make it more painful...and I don't want that...and I don't want to just snap it and walk away....but I wonder if Alex wouldn't mind.
"Please be okay. Goodbye." ...Is that really okay?
and I don't think I can just walk out on V because I promised him I would always help him.... sigh. AND I MEANT WHAT I SAID. I WILL BE THERE FOR HIM ALWAYS AS LONG AS HE NEEDS ME TO. I just miss him so much. I wish he hadn't gone away,or that he had somehow brought me with him. hah. I wish he would come back. I WISH HE WOULD JUST GIVE ME A DAMNED PHONE CALL ONCE IN A WHILE AND MAKE ME FEEL MINORLY IMPORTANT.
I am becoming more and more miserable at the prospect of not being allowed to do Jesus Christ: Superstar. I need to further sell myself to the theatre department somehow....even though they practically own my soul.
This semestre I can literally feel myself being ripped apart by everybody who wants a piece of me. And it has yet to begin. I can already feel the fucking pulling. It's a very uh.....anxious sense of impending doom....or something.
Sometimes I wish that somebody would just hold me and let me sleep.....
Speaking of miserable: Last night we were supposed to have a little theatre gathering on the beach with a few bottles of liquor. Kali told me she wasn't going.....Ryan had to go down there early cos he was visiting a friend before hand and could not bring me....and you know...Jen and Hunter didn't even have the decency to call me back and say "No,I can't pick you up on my way down" Jesus,way to make somebody feel like you want them places......So then Aly txts me saying that evidently KENNEDY doesn't want drinking at the beach,because Kennedy is somehow in charge of ALY'S party....yeah....so they'd decided to not do it.....and then they decided to not do anything.....and so Aly was seriously annoyed.....and then I sent her some bitchy txts back about how people don't have to be so horrible to me. lol. I have so much angst :)
Yesterday I went to Tiffany/Claire's house. We watched The Importance of Being Earnest and I felt kind of weepy. lol....and then we watched Crybaby and I felt weepier. "Gee,I wish my highschool had been like that"....Cute girls....the thrill of being a normal teenager....cute boys...no such chance.....(speaking of highschool-----the gaming forum really makes me miss art school...)
Today is my last day....I go back to school and work and more work tomorrow...and I have an audition Wednesday night.....so starting then I will no longer have nights...
Is it so wrong to just wish I could make EVERYBODY okay?
My,my,baby's gonna cry..tonight.