Dear

[nakartan]

Its been an interesting last few weeks. I honestly don't know how to describe it. I don't understand myself or what is going on around me or what I am supposed to do or what I am not supposed to do.
A couple of weeks ago on a Thursday I had a terrible attitude. The worst I think I have had in years. I still struggle with that kind of stuff, and it hit with a vengance this time. I'm tired of fighting. The sad thing is that I see my hopes, I know that I have everthing that I need and more. I recognize all of these good things, but I don't know them. They seem... intangible at best. A misty figure that I can recognize but not interact with.
It is a constant struggle to not act on the remnants of my bad attitude. It is lasting way too long. There is nothing bad enough in my life to cause this. Things are honestly great. I just can't seem to feel it.
I know that if I just let it go I will be overwhelmed with apathy and depression. A place I do not long to go back to.
I want to be excited again. But I know that I am. I just don't feel it.
I am convinced of so many things that I know to be true but that doesn't make them feel any truer.
Honestly I am excited about what God is doing in my life.
I love my life.
I love Melissa.
I love my friends.
I love my roomates.
I love my job.

God is using me.

But I simply don't feel it.