(no subject)
uh... matt just called me. it's weird that he would call me so soon after i posted this entry discussing how i've given up. it's probably just a coincidence.
i'm glad he called, because as awkward and forced as the 2 minute conversation seemed, it helped me realize a few things. first of all, for the first time ever, when talking to him, i felt... nothing. and i'm so lucky, because i know that if i didn't have chris in my life, talking to matt probably would've just shattered everything i'd tried to get over him. but it didn't. and as much as i love chris (and i do. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and i pester him about it every chance i get.) i never thought i'd be completely over matt, which is weird, considering everything we had was, in the bigger picture, nothing. we never dated, we never slept together, we never shared a close and intimate moment of any nature aside from fooling around when we were wasted.
when i moved up to buffalo, matt was one of the first people i got really close with. he was my closest friend up there, and i think everything we went through was just a simple case of "boys and girls can never be close friends." yeah, when it was happening, i would hope it would turn into something more, and it never did. and yeah, he hurt me, quite a few times, because he would never be with me. and for the longest time after i moved i couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if i had stayed. if he would ever finally want to be with me. but now i understand that that would have never happened, and i was just being naive. i mean, the closest thing to "i care about you" he ever said was "you know how i feel about you." i said i did, but i had no idea. because honestly, if he meant it like that... why did nothing happen?
so for the longest time i was trying to figure out if it was me or the timing or whatever. and i wasted so much time. and i'm finally able to accept it as past. and as a never-in-a-million-years kind of concept. and i'm so very thankful for that. because if i had gotten that feeling of OMG!?WEE. in the pit of my stomach like so many times before, it would've just sat there, ruining everything like it has in the past. but when i answered, and he spoke, and i felt nothing, i was so happy. and it may sound mean to say that, but i went through so much, questioning every little decision i ever made, wondering what i could do and what i would have to give if i could just see him. and it shook my foundation and it would depress me for days. and now i can finally forget the past, and focus all my energies on the future.
don't get me wrong. matt was always a great friend. he's a great guy. most of the problem was my naivete and, honestly, stupidity. and i'm able to accept that now. at first i was upset with myself for all the wrong reasons (leaving, coming on too strong, whatever). then i was mad at him because i thought he used me. and now i'm finally at peace with the entire thing, and he didn't use me. i was just so blind to the fact that nothing would ever happen, and all i wanted was to be with him. in the end, i was just hurting myself.
but it's all a part of my past, and i'm so grateful that i have closure. and i'm glad that i was able to be with chris without him calling and me getting weird, because that would've ruined everything. and i love chris so much that if i was ever without him, i wouldn't know what to do. so it's great that this came at a time where i'm at the point in my life where i'm in a mature, loving, committed relationship, because it seems like a test. in the beginning of my relationship with chris, i was so nervous. but now it feels like we're solid as a fucking rock. and i've never been this happy in my entire life.
matt calling me was a blessing in disguise. it gave me closure, showed me my own strength, showed me how much my relationship with chris has grown, and i also got to hear from an old friend.
it's so funny how the littlest, seemingly unimportant moments in life can bring meaning to so much.
i'm glad he called, because as awkward and forced as the 2 minute conversation seemed, it helped me realize a few things. first of all, for the first time ever, when talking to him, i felt... nothing. and i'm so lucky, because i know that if i didn't have chris in my life, talking to matt probably would've just shattered everything i'd tried to get over him. but it didn't. and as much as i love chris (and i do. i want to spend the rest of my life with him, and i pester him about it every chance i get.) i never thought i'd be completely over matt, which is weird, considering everything we had was, in the bigger picture, nothing. we never dated, we never slept together, we never shared a close and intimate moment of any nature aside from fooling around when we were wasted.
when i moved up to buffalo, matt was one of the first people i got really close with. he was my closest friend up there, and i think everything we went through was just a simple case of "boys and girls can never be close friends." yeah, when it was happening, i would hope it would turn into something more, and it never did. and yeah, he hurt me, quite a few times, because he would never be with me. and for the longest time after i moved i couldn't help but wonder what would've happened if i had stayed. if he would ever finally want to be with me. but now i understand that that would have never happened, and i was just being naive. i mean, the closest thing to "i care about you" he ever said was "you know how i feel about you." i said i did, but i had no idea. because honestly, if he meant it like that... why did nothing happen?
so for the longest time i was trying to figure out if it was me or the timing or whatever. and i wasted so much time. and i'm finally able to accept it as past. and as a never-in-a-million-years kind of concept. and i'm so very thankful for that. because if i had gotten that feeling of OMG!?WEE. in the pit of my stomach like so many times before, it would've just sat there, ruining everything like it has in the past. but when i answered, and he spoke, and i felt nothing, i was so happy. and it may sound mean to say that, but i went through so much, questioning every little decision i ever made, wondering what i could do and what i would have to give if i could just see him. and it shook my foundation and it would depress me for days. and now i can finally forget the past, and focus all my energies on the future.
don't get me wrong. matt was always a great friend. he's a great guy. most of the problem was my naivete and, honestly, stupidity. and i'm able to accept that now. at first i was upset with myself for all the wrong reasons (leaving, coming on too strong, whatever). then i was mad at him because i thought he used me. and now i'm finally at peace with the entire thing, and he didn't use me. i was just so blind to the fact that nothing would ever happen, and all i wanted was to be with him. in the end, i was just hurting myself.
but it's all a part of my past, and i'm so grateful that i have closure. and i'm glad that i was able to be with chris without him calling and me getting weird, because that would've ruined everything. and i love chris so much that if i was ever without him, i wouldn't know what to do. so it's great that this came at a time where i'm at the point in my life where i'm in a mature, loving, committed relationship, because it seems like a test. in the beginning of my relationship with chris, i was so nervous. but now it feels like we're solid as a fucking rock. and i've never been this happy in my entire life.
matt calling me was a blessing in disguise. it gave me closure, showed me my own strength, showed me how much my relationship with chris has grown, and i also got to hear from an old friend.
it's so funny how the littlest, seemingly unimportant moments in life can bring meaning to so much.