(no subject)
i dont know what my fucking problem is, but i can NOT bring myself to go to class. i set my alarm everyday, i check my syllabi, but i just can't actually make myself go to class, and i'm fucking up. i dont know what it is. it's not like when i was just sitting around getting stoned everyday and just didn't feel like going. i want to go. i love my classes. ...except math. but even that i wouldn't mind going to. i just can't go. i'm sober, i'm back to only working one job, and it should be easier for me because i dropped one of my classes so i'm only taking 5 now, one of which is online, and my math class has most of the work online. and the other two classes i absolutely love. it should be easy. it's NOT. fucking... pft. it's really bothering me. and i know some of you are probably thinking "oh my gosh, you idiot, just get in the car and go." i totally would if it was that easy for me.
oh, and, by the FUCKING way.
my diet + exercise that i've been working on because my recruiter said i needed to lose weight? NOT FUCKING WORKING. I GAINED WEIGHT.
i do NOT know what's going on. everything's topsyturvy. i'm eating better and exercising and i'm GAINING weight? last semester i regularly went to classes i HATED and this semester i can't even go to the ones i LOVE!?
and i feel like i should be in a good place right now, because i'm starting to finally figure things out, and i'm not. i'm totally not. i'm constantly fucking tearing up at the stupidest shit. i'm having SERIOUS anger outbursts, and not like my usual ones that just make it seem like "man she has a short temper." these are insane. i BLEWUP at someone because they went to get food without asking me what i wanted. reasonable? totally not. i screamed, screamed, at them and then started crying. i randomly start yelling about things that dont even tie into a conversation i may be having. the other day, i was in the car with chris, and i dont even know what we were talking about, and i just started screaming at the top of my lungs, mid-sentence of whatever i was saying to chris, because some pedestrian pissed me off for some dumbass reason.
AND I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE. SO I CAN'T SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THIS.
fucking, whatever. i'm going to bed.
oh, and, by the FUCKING way.
my diet + exercise that i've been working on because my recruiter said i needed to lose weight? NOT FUCKING WORKING. I GAINED WEIGHT.
i do NOT know what's going on. everything's topsyturvy. i'm eating better and exercising and i'm GAINING weight? last semester i regularly went to classes i HATED and this semester i can't even go to the ones i LOVE!?
and i feel like i should be in a good place right now, because i'm starting to finally figure things out, and i'm not. i'm totally not. i'm constantly fucking tearing up at the stupidest shit. i'm having SERIOUS anger outbursts, and not like my usual ones that just make it seem like "man she has a short temper." these are insane. i BLEWUP at someone because they went to get food without asking me what i wanted. reasonable? totally not. i screamed, screamed, at them and then started crying. i randomly start yelling about things that dont even tie into a conversation i may be having. the other day, i was in the car with chris, and i dont even know what we were talking about, and i just started screaming at the top of my lungs, mid-sentence of whatever i was saying to chris, because some pedestrian pissed me off for some dumbass reason.
AND I DON'T HAVE INSURANCE. SO I CAN'T SEE A DOCTOR ABOUT THIS.
fucking, whatever. i'm going to bed.