this entry is completely for me
i never thought i would find myself EVER writing in this again-- but i have SOO much to say.. so many thoughts going through my mind.. yet i feel like talking to no one. im not answering my phone, going online, or anything.. the only person that is at all comforting to me as usual is kyle.
i am seriously in love with him- all i want is for us to be back together- i would do anything to have him back in my life.. he is the greatest guy in the world.. i want him to be the one to marry me in five years ((he would be a great husband)) i want him to be the father of my kids ((he would be a great dad)) i just want him to be in my entire future-- getting old scares the shit out of me.. feeling sick, depressed, waiting to die.. thats horrible.. yet when im older i see him in the chair next to me while were 70 and me beyond happy-- he is so comforting and makes me feel so secure.. i need that..
its tuesday-- and i have been having huge anxiety and i am beyond depressed and cannot wait for friday.. friday i am going home and kyle and i are spending our day for valentines day ((since we wont see each other thursday)) and we are going to probably go out to dinner and a love movie because that would be amazing to me so of course he does what makes me happy-- but then we are going to have our talk.. he is going to tell me whether or not we are getting back together... and if he does we are going through all of our problems ((which arent very many)) and going to work them all out so it doesnt happen again.. and then he is getting an apartment in april which i would pretty much live in yet have a stable place to go ((my dads)) if it didnt work.. and i would be the absolutely most happiest girl in this entire world.. i would die to have him back in my life..
.. but i dont ever see that happening.. i just dont think he is as happy as he used to be.. he always says he is young and wants to experience other girls and it hurts me soo much.. as much as it seems we are together since everything is like we are together he still tells people we definitely arent.. and it is just way to much of a reality check for me to handle--- i want him back.
i cant stop crying. all ive been doing is sleeping for the last two days straight ((i slept 16 hours yesturday)) because when i am awake i am miserable...
the reason i decided to write this.. is because i need to learn a huge lesson.. i pray to god that this works out because i want it that bad ((although i dont think it will, we will see friday)).. but if it does i need to NEVER TAKE THE BEST THINGS IN MY LIFE FOR ADVANTAGE because if i do, i lose it.. so if kyle and i ever are back together ((and i hope we are, id do anything to be)) i need to read this to know exactly how i am feeling so that i never do that again.. so that while i have him, im the best to him.. while i have him, he is as happy as he could possibly be.. id do anything for him.. id do anything to have him..