"Pain is temporary; the success it brings is everlasting."
So I just spent the last three hours reading through my last decade's email, all the way to March 2000. I've had enough adventures and made enough mistakes for ten lifetimes.
How in the hell did I wind up where I am today.
Reading through old Livejournal entries, this one struck me as particularly notable...
"I'm not sure what it is. Anytime I get a really good, content feeling... it always gets pervaded by thoughts of something might be wrong, or I'm forgetting something terrible, or SOMETHING. I can never enjoy a genuine great feeling for more than a few minutes. Which doesn't make sense at all, to me. It'll be like, aw sweet, I'm drivin my car, feelin great, blastin music, feelin great! UGHHHH WHATS WRONG SOMETHINGS WRONG I KNOW IT WTF UGHH. Every time! I've moved past and grown out of the bad habits I used to have. I don't do the things I used to anymore, I rarely do much or go out at all anymore. Why can't I enjoy feeling great?"
I think I know why life has been so great for the last however long. I figured that conundrum out.
Once upon a time, I was a good Mormon child with a strong upbringing and sense of "right" and "wrong". Upon entering the world for the first time after setting foot out of (or into,) high school, I quickly discovered that the world wasn't quite as black and white as the stories claimed. Back when I was living life fast and loose, the aforementioned wild habits would subconsciously bother me but I'd ignore it (or not even notice it). But now that I've grown out of those habits, I'd still get the same twinges... without having done anything wrong/blasphemous/illegal/antiauthoritarian/inappropriate/hilarious. Anything that my subconcious would nag at me for. Feelings of contentment or joy would trigger the same subconscious self-flagellation that I had ignored for so long. Interestingly enough, the key to resolving this was simply to comprehend WHY it was happening. And now it doesn't, anymore.
Rad.
How in the hell did I wind up where I am today.
Reading through old Livejournal entries, this one struck me as particularly notable...
"I'm not sure what it is. Anytime I get a really good, content feeling... it always gets pervaded by thoughts of something might be wrong, or I'm forgetting something terrible, or SOMETHING. I can never enjoy a genuine great feeling for more than a few minutes. Which doesn't make sense at all, to me. It'll be like, aw sweet, I'm drivin my car, feelin great, blastin music, feelin great! UGHHHH WHATS WRONG SOMETHINGS WRONG I KNOW IT WTF UGHH. Every time! I've moved past and grown out of the bad habits I used to have. I don't do the things I used to anymore, I rarely do much or go out at all anymore. Why can't I enjoy feeling great?"
I think I know why life has been so great for the last however long. I figured that conundrum out.
Once upon a time, I was a good Mormon child with a strong upbringing and sense of "right" and "wrong". Upon entering the world for the first time after setting foot out of (or into,) high school, I quickly discovered that the world wasn't quite as black and white as the stories claimed. Back when I was living life fast and loose, the aforementioned wild habits would subconsciously bother me but I'd ignore it (or not even notice it). But now that I've grown out of those habits, I'd still get the same twinges... without having done anything wrong/blasphemous/illegal/antiauthoritarian/inappropriate/hilarious. Anything that my subconcious would nag at me for. Feelings of contentment or joy would trigger the same subconscious self-flagellation that I had ignored for so long. Interestingly enough, the key to resolving this was simply to comprehend WHY it was happening. And now it doesn't, anymore.
Rad.