Worth
Cursed distances! *dearly wants to wrap his arms around Beth in a long-overdue hug*
The new year is here and it's off to a quick start! I have an exact date when I'll be moving, the 28th of this month, and already have my one way plane ticket! So the three weeks between now and then are speeding by. Well, they do until I stop and think about it and get lonely, then it feels like ages away. At least it's a definite goal to work towards! Our Final Countdown. So I've just been putting all of my effort into the work I still have to get done before I leave. I'd like to have set the move date earlier in the month, but I want to give myself plenty of room to not only get these jobs done (some of which are bringing in the rest of the money to even allow me to set a date to begin with), but to also start packing up all my stuff. I'll probably do that in the last week, boxing up books and clothes and other miscellaneous stuff, saving the computer for last, a day or two before I leave. It'll feel very strange once I do finish all of the jobs here and there's nothing more weighing on me to be done. That will be a very strange and exciting day.
Am I weak? Soft? A pushover? I'd say I'm not, but I tend to be a very flexible person, going with the flow more than setting my foot down if it's something I don't feel really strongly about, so I sometimes wonder how I come off to others. Or like with Beth. I love her immensely and greatly value her as a wonderful person in my life. But then I sometimes turn that around in my head and wonder of my own value, if I am good enough for her. Which sounds dumb and isn't exactly what I mean... Like, if there's anything that ever worries or concerns her about me. Which is probably a stupid thing to think about and helps nothing. I guess it's still that fear way in the back of my mind of ever losing her through some fault of mine. I sometimes feel like I'm lacking in some experience or social grace that she has, like I'm stumbling to catch up. All of these traditions and relationship things that we talk about that I enjoy but feel stupidly clueless about. I just want to get it right, be able to surprise her sometime in return. Almost makes me wish I DID go to one of those schools of the old days where they learn all of that stuff (what are they called? Finishing schools?). She says she never gets to do things for me, but thats not true. She far surpasses me in all of the little stuff. I sometimes manage to help her out in bigger things, being useful, but its the little stuff that really makes you feel loved. I just want to be the best I can be for my Beth!
(And then of course the next thought that pops into my head is, 'Why not just be the best you can be for yourself regardless?' Well, duh, yeah, but doing things for others always feels a greater cause, and a greater motivator. There are many things I'll put up with for myself that suddenly become inadequate when caring for someone else as well. Like fun skills you'd never bother learning if it weren't for having another person to share them with.)
I'm sure a lot of it just comes from being so far away, having to translate ourselves through IM and voice only... You lose a lot. We both well remember the times we were together during my trips. Words almost weren't always needed, we were just there, together, and we understood.
The new year is here and it's off to a quick start! I have an exact date when I'll be moving, the 28th of this month, and already have my one way plane ticket! So the three weeks between now and then are speeding by. Well, they do until I stop and think about it and get lonely, then it feels like ages away. At least it's a definite goal to work towards! Our Final Countdown. So I've just been putting all of my effort into the work I still have to get done before I leave. I'd like to have set the move date earlier in the month, but I want to give myself plenty of room to not only get these jobs done (some of which are bringing in the rest of the money to even allow me to set a date to begin with), but to also start packing up all my stuff. I'll probably do that in the last week, boxing up books and clothes and other miscellaneous stuff, saving the computer for last, a day or two before I leave. It'll feel very strange once I do finish all of the jobs here and there's nothing more weighing on me to be done. That will be a very strange and exciting day.
Am I weak? Soft? A pushover? I'd say I'm not, but I tend to be a very flexible person, going with the flow more than setting my foot down if it's something I don't feel really strongly about, so I sometimes wonder how I come off to others. Or like with Beth. I love her immensely and greatly value her as a wonderful person in my life. But then I sometimes turn that around in my head and wonder of my own value, if I am good enough for her. Which sounds dumb and isn't exactly what I mean... Like, if there's anything that ever worries or concerns her about me. Which is probably a stupid thing to think about and helps nothing. I guess it's still that fear way in the back of my mind of ever losing her through some fault of mine. I sometimes feel like I'm lacking in some experience or social grace that she has, like I'm stumbling to catch up. All of these traditions and relationship things that we talk about that I enjoy but feel stupidly clueless about. I just want to get it right, be able to surprise her sometime in return. Almost makes me wish I DID go to one of those schools of the old days where they learn all of that stuff (what are they called? Finishing schools?). She says she never gets to do things for me, but thats not true. She far surpasses me in all of the little stuff. I sometimes manage to help her out in bigger things, being useful, but its the little stuff that really makes you feel loved. I just want to be the best I can be for my Beth!
(And then of course the next thought that pops into my head is, 'Why not just be the best you can be for yourself regardless?' Well, duh, yeah, but doing things for others always feels a greater cause, and a greater motivator. There are many things I'll put up with for myself that suddenly become inadequate when caring for someone else as well. Like fun skills you'd never bother learning if it weren't for having another person to share them with.)
I'm sure a lot of it just comes from being so far away, having to translate ourselves through IM and voice only... You lose a lot. We both well remember the times we were together during my trips. Words almost weren't always needed, we were just there, together, and we understood.