(no subject)

[nairamata]

Yesterday was a prominant contender for the hardest day in my life thus far. Matt is moving out today..and told me i'd never get to see Gypsy again. She came over yesterday(mostly i think because matt couldn't find a babysitter) as a "last visitation, to say goodbye". She arrived, i told her we needed to talk. i sat her down to tell her, and the words came out of my eyes, i couldnt seem to get anything to come out of my mouth. i eventually collected myself, and told her what was going on. i'd been thinking for some time...how to break it to her gently. She was in shock.she understood that me and her daddy werent getting along. i wanted to make sure she understood that i still wanted to see her. that i'd never leave her. this is a difficult thing to do when you don't want to make daddy out to be an asshole, regardless of the huge asshole he may be. i didnt just come out and say, sorry hunnie..yr dad doesnt want us to see eachother anymore. i told her since i wasnt going to be living with her and her daddy anymore, i no longer had control over anything that happens in her life. that i dont get to make those kinds of decisions anymore. that now only her parents can decide what's best for her. after i explained the best i could, and answered her questions, we sat there. holding eachother and crying . for a long time. she kept saying ..why is this happening to me?...after probably about an hour of being sad and holding eachother tight as to never let go, Gypsy sits up..says " we shouldnt be spending this last day being sad. pink ice cream. pink ice cream will cheer us up." it's amazing, the brilliance of a childs mind. i had walked home from work yesterday morning, and went a slightly round about way to get here. and i discovered these really beautiful trees. it's like i was just noticing all this beauty around me for the first time. So, off we went. we walked the same round about way back to my work. we awwed at every prickly tree and lied in a field of ferns. everytime Gypsy pointed out something we would take a picture of it. We visited the three willows. holding hands tightly as we walked. eventually we arrived and got our ice cream..for breakfast. i figured i should put something maybe a little more nutritious in her belly too..so we went to mcdonalds(not sure really if thats better..but whatever). we ordered our food. went and sat in the kids area, where the playplace is. didn't bother to eat. instead we climbed around in neon colored plastic tubes. we were the only two people in there, and it's probably a good thing considering i'm a bit big for the playplace. Amanda was picking Gypsy back up soon..so we walked the same round about way home. i tought her what breast implants are.... hey, she asked. She cried a little on the way home. Told me.."Erin, when i'm grown up..i'm going to drive my car to your house and live with you. you'll be old..but that's okay." i think we both handled it considerably well. we got home talked a little more. it seemed to really be hitting her. she was sad that i didnt even know if she could write me letters and draw me pictures. so, we colored a picture together and listened to her favorite cd. singing like a couple of off tune monkeys. but it was fun. we ended up falling asleep together on the couch after a long stressful yet very fun day. Amanda woke us up, knocking on the door. Gypsy woke up with tears. it was the hardest thing to see. Amanda's been a selfish mean mom for the last three years. very full of rage..alot directed toward me. i figured i ought to have the talk with amanda too. i really didnt see it going anywhere, but said to myself i'd end up regretting it if i didnt at least try. it went suprisingly well. Amanda said regardless of matt's irrationality, gypsy and i are pals. She said " i dont like you erin..but you and gypsys relationship has nothing to do with that. i might be mean, but i'm not that mean". gave me her phone numbers. told me to call whenever i wanted to see Gypsy.
Today it's a new day. and i'm optimistic about things. this could very well work. i've even been smiling.