I love you, but never speak to me again
Has there ever been a movie reviewer so bold -- or a movie so bad -- as to say something to the effect of: "If you liked this film you are a fuckwit. Your appreciation of this film is proof that you are undeserving of breathing, watching quality audio-visual productions, or reading my newspaper movie review column. In fact, you have shown yourself so moronic that I begin to doubt your reading capacity; I had suspected that by purchasing this newspaper and pretending to read the movie columns you were trying to acquire the intellectual cache of the literate, but now I realize that even this simple plan is beyond your grasp; I now have no doubt that your only justification for purchasing this newspaper is the visceral excitement you receive from sucking the printer's ink off of your fingers after you mindlessly peruse this publication. This much is shown through your admiration of the mindless swill that purports to moviehood. Never, and I mean never, again darken the pages of this newspaper with your treacle embracing eyes. I have taken the liberty of instructing all shops and stores that you might frequent that you are not to be sold a newspaper. I told them you are a pedophile and, should you request a paper, they are to shoot you. As an added precaution against contamination of this fine publication from your slack-jawed gandering, I have instructed the web division of this newspaper to block you ip address, in the unlikely event that you type this newspapers intenet address into your email machine -- like so many monkeys type fervently on so many different typewriters. In summary, this movie sucks, and if you count yourself as one of its adherents, notwithstanding your obvious inability to count, you are no doubt the result of some mid-1960's government experiment in the production of the "Super-Soldier, In-Bred Hillbilly Edition".
Why do I never read these things in the newspaper?
Why do I never read these things in the newspaper?