if lifed sucked it would easyer I would have a starting piount but life is over befor it ever bgan
this is my firt enty after boot camp it has been a long time I used to use this AS A tool to give me therd person perspectiv and comentary on my live to help but I know no 1 will read this. there is an eptyness inside of me I tryed filling it with alchol I trid with food I tryed friends famly, the atenchin of girls but it is all supper fishal I try to deny it I try to find alterativ sorsis but I konw exactly what it is it's her she is gone for ever I hate to admit it this is the first time I have really beleved it there is no going back there is no friendship no hope. I probly would not feel this bad if was not remined waht I was missing. the day I left to go to my mos school she gave me 1 last hug and holding her in my arms the way her hair smelt she huged me like some 1 who cared wether I lived or died more even then I do she huged me with compashin and emathy I cant put in to words what I felt that day but I whated more so I tyed to talk to her I tryed to pull it from her but it did not come just a stonger awaerness of the voyed in my haert. the more I have tryed to fill it the werse it got when she did not fill it I looked to other plases but I have not been abul to find a state of consistent normallaty so when I was told I would have 7 day be for I left for 2 years I had 2 opshins and I made a mastak I could have come home to MI for the 7 days see some of my old firends and my family but they dont come clows to filling this emtyness. I knew they would, but I thought I would spend some time with her maybe 1 more hug but she has not ancer her phone so oveyily she dose not want to ever see me agin. I should have gone to florda and seen my bro for my leave. I gave up looking for happyness in superfishial crap. I am living a haff live, I no longer care of the qualaty of life I live I don't care who I tuch I don't care who lives or dies I jsut exist, I don't eat much or sleep much any more. I wons did not want to go to Iraq but now I hope for the some thing to give me perpess. so I probly will never talk to her agin, and there relly cant be any ather her no-matter how hot they r or how funny or how smart. I jsut dont give a fuck.