(no subject)
The last time I touched this blog seems like eons ago and I had every intention of forgeting it's existance until I came to the point that I can't bottle up my life anymore and hide it from everyone else.
Everyone and their sister know of my past. They know of my highschool days and my middle school expulsions...of my drug addictions and severe depressions.
Fewer know of my present life.
Everyone morning I wake up and each night before I can fall asleep I think of suicide. I try to figure out the least painful way to do it...if I overdosed on my anti-depression pills would I go in my sleep? Would a bullet piercing through the skull hurt, or would it just end...like that? I've spent so long waltzing through my life and now the tempo is too great that my feet can't keep up.
You know I could have been a musician. Lord knows I played enough instruments for a long time. God gave me a talent and I spit in his face and lost interest in what once saved me from myself.
What about a philosopher. Aren't we all philosophers on our own. Who needs some dead guy from the seventeenth century to tell us why we are the way we are.
These days I only want to dissappear. My life is in such a ruin that there is not turning back, I can't even stand the reflection in the mirror. I need a second chance to live my life. I need a fresh, clean slate where I can try everything all over again.
For the past several months I've been wondering when the day is going to come where I break down and try to take my life again. Some days I think it is but a few hours. Some it seems like everything will be ok and I'll finally make it out of this place in one piece.
On this night, at this time, I've come to the realization that it will never be ok. I once wrote (in the most private of journals) that I never felt this world was ready for me. But I was naive and in high school then. Now I've come to terms and understand that it is I that was never ready for this world.
I want to run. I've done the math. With the money I have and if I sell the last bit of instruments and accessories that I have I can make it out of here and run to somewhere else. Maybe Latin America. I just need to get out of here. This place is so heavy and my body is giving in to my past slowly catching up to me. Should we ever collide and I know I would not survive.
I stopped taking all the medication the doctors put me on. I know what you're thinking, that's the reason I am breaking down. But listen to me now if you've never taken the mood-altering drugs I have...the medicine numbs all emotions. It turns me into a drone of society, just waiting for the next part of a daily routine to kick in. I also stopped going to class. I'm going to fail out of school, high school all over again. I can't do it. It's not that I'm not smart enough, trust me, i go to Valdosta State University, it has nothing to do with intelligence. I can't do class, I can't do the setup and I can't submit myself to the hour or two of mindless crap and routine notes.
There's more though, while I'm sharing my most intimate of thoughts. I dream alot these days...alot more than I used to remember. They're never the same but they always send chills down my spine. Last night I was with Alex, we were shopping for her engagement ring. I bought it and when it came time to give it to her I took it back and gave it to Jennifer Zuiff. but it wasn't Zuiff, it was just a girl of the same name whom I have never seen before.
Then I dreamt of Utah and of Cedar Ridge Academy. I dreamt I was back there and I was out back shoveling dirt as a punishment for something I do not know. But instead of a staff member I recognized, it was my brother, Liam. I did actually die in my dream once. It was about a year ago during my trip to Spain. I was driving a van (like a delivery van) when I lost control on a mountain road and fell off the side dropping down to my death. I watched as I asscended to heaven, but I awoke before I made it there.
I believe in a higher being. I really do. But any man who can look me in the eye and tell me he/she understands what the higher being wants us to do in life or not do is drowning in ignorance.
I just need another chance at life. But to be honest, I'll probably fuck that up too.
Everyone and their sister know of my past. They know of my highschool days and my middle school expulsions...of my drug addictions and severe depressions.
Fewer know of my present life.
Everyone morning I wake up and each night before I can fall asleep I think of suicide. I try to figure out the least painful way to do it...if I overdosed on my anti-depression pills would I go in my sleep? Would a bullet piercing through the skull hurt, or would it just end...like that? I've spent so long waltzing through my life and now the tempo is too great that my feet can't keep up.
You know I could have been a musician. Lord knows I played enough instruments for a long time. God gave me a talent and I spit in his face and lost interest in what once saved me from myself.
What about a philosopher. Aren't we all philosophers on our own. Who needs some dead guy from the seventeenth century to tell us why we are the way we are.
These days I only want to dissappear. My life is in such a ruin that there is not turning back, I can't even stand the reflection in the mirror. I need a second chance to live my life. I need a fresh, clean slate where I can try everything all over again.
For the past several months I've been wondering when the day is going to come where I break down and try to take my life again. Some days I think it is but a few hours. Some it seems like everything will be ok and I'll finally make it out of this place in one piece.
On this night, at this time, I've come to the realization that it will never be ok. I once wrote (in the most private of journals) that I never felt this world was ready for me. But I was naive and in high school then. Now I've come to terms and understand that it is I that was never ready for this world.
I want to run. I've done the math. With the money I have and if I sell the last bit of instruments and accessories that I have I can make it out of here and run to somewhere else. Maybe Latin America. I just need to get out of here. This place is so heavy and my body is giving in to my past slowly catching up to me. Should we ever collide and I know I would not survive.
I stopped taking all the medication the doctors put me on. I know what you're thinking, that's the reason I am breaking down. But listen to me now if you've never taken the mood-altering drugs I have...the medicine numbs all emotions. It turns me into a drone of society, just waiting for the next part of a daily routine to kick in. I also stopped going to class. I'm going to fail out of school, high school all over again. I can't do it. It's not that I'm not smart enough, trust me, i go to Valdosta State University, it has nothing to do with intelligence. I can't do class, I can't do the setup and I can't submit myself to the hour or two of mindless crap and routine notes.
There's more though, while I'm sharing my most intimate of thoughts. I dream alot these days...alot more than I used to remember. They're never the same but they always send chills down my spine. Last night I was with Alex, we were shopping for her engagement ring. I bought it and when it came time to give it to her I took it back and gave it to Jennifer Zuiff. but it wasn't Zuiff, it was just a girl of the same name whom I have never seen before.
Then I dreamt of Utah and of Cedar Ridge Academy. I dreamt I was back there and I was out back shoveling dirt as a punishment for something I do not know. But instead of a staff member I recognized, it was my brother, Liam. I did actually die in my dream once. It was about a year ago during my trip to Spain. I was driving a van (like a delivery van) when I lost control on a mountain road and fell off the side dropping down to my death. I watched as I asscended to heaven, but I awoke before I made it there.
I believe in a higher being. I really do. But any man who can look me in the eye and tell me he/she understands what the higher being wants us to do in life or not do is drowning in ignorance.
I just need another chance at life. But to be honest, I'll probably fuck that up too.