RPF: Damaged at Last
She can’t breathe. Tears well up in her eyes and in the dark of this empty hallway the sound of her pain is all there is. She slides down the wall and holds her knees close to her chin.
All the build-up, all the tension wasn’t nearly released in that one kiss. He left. He left her behind. It’s not unexpected, is she kidding herself? This is Hugh and it’s his show…but it’s their life and it’s crumbling around her.
What’s next? Get married to Jesse, go on like nothing happened? She really doesn’t know. It’s summer, no work, lots of time on her hands…to do what?
She’ll figure it out. It’s not like there is a romantic happy end to look forward to. He won’t storm back in, kneel in front of her and kiss her face. It’s over. Before it began.
Taking a deep breath she stands up and without turning on the light follows the wall back inside the house. She needs to go through with this party, look pretty and cheery and now explain why Hugh left so abruptly. Oh joy!
***
She dyes her hair, takes a Hawaiian vacation on her own and when she comes back Jesse and she start drifting apart really fast. Few weeks into the shooting of the fourth season they both decide to call it quits. No hard feelings, it was inevitable. There’s a hint of bitter dissatisfaction between them and suddenly they are no longer friends. This is going to be awkward.
The few scenes she has with Hugh go smoothly. There are at least a dozen people around them at any point in time and they avoid staying alone. It surprises her that he looks and talks exactly the same. No bags under his eyes, he didn’t lose weight or his talent. He avoids looking her in the eyes though and it takes away from their onscreen eye-sex, but they aren’t supposed to have any this year….if ever really.
She makes a point of not thinking about the whole situation at home, which means he is constantly on her mind.
She is barely in the finale. The two-parter is grand, novel, ambitious, sad and in your face Emmy material. House, Cuddy and Wilson are the talk of the town. She focuses on her social and professional life outside of the series. She meets lots of new people, gets new offers, and tries new things. Nothing drastic, only the stuff she is good at. Amaury is a breath of fresh air; he is feisty, fun and he takes her with him. She emerges herself in this new environment and feels both welcome and irrelevant.
One morning only she and Jesse are in to shoot a scene, it’s unavoidable and she needs more caffeine to go through with this. She enters the lounge ready to make some coffee, but finds a freshly brewed pot, smell filling the room, and Hugh at the table, reading his script, head in his hands. He looks up for a second and resumes his position, never meeting her eyes. She finds her mug with “My morning martini” written on it and fills it.
Wow. The silence is much heavier than she expected. She thought they were going on like nothing happened. Apparently not. It’s still tense a year later. She needs to break the ice, they’ve moved on, right?
“In early today?”
It takes him way too long to answer.
“Yeah,” he doesn’t look up.
“The perks of being THE House” she chuckles and looks to him for connection.
He suddenly stares her in the eye and he seems angry, confused and annoyed. He says nothing and she feels like a total idiot. Her cheeks flush under his gaze and she storms out so fast that she forgets her coffee. No way she is going back in.
She tells herself that she gets it. He doesn’t want to fall again. It makes no sense though, what happened to civility? She won’t cry about it, let him be a jerk if he wants to.
It hurts though, is she really so undeserving?
***
Resentment builds within her and she doesn’t want to hang out with the cast anymore. The fact that Hugh makes it close to impossible is an added con to her list of reasons (which bares only one entry).
In the dressing room Mandy is doing her hair, preparing her for “the major” Cameron episode. It’s the first time in the last year that she is not wearing scrubs in a scene. She misses Cameron’s style, which is so different from her own.
“EOnline was here again, huh?”
“Yeah we did and interview with Omar”
“And Lisa with Hugh?”
She continues putting on mascara.
“I like Kristin, she’s a lot of fun”
“They brought the unedited tapes of all the interviews for you guys to look at. Your copy is in the drawer.”
“Thanks”
Journalists do this sometimes; you are supposed to review your interview skills. Most of the cast doesn’t bother; they see enough of themselves on TV. Plus Kristin only picks the best bits to release anyway. She usually doesn’t watch, but today she picks up the tape and decides she has some time on her hands.
She sits through the whole thing, an hour of idle chatter. She notices herself laugh too much on camera and she can’t remember why in the world she made that threesome joke. Jesse seems very much like Chase in his interview, more distant than usual. After they are done with Hugh and Lisa there is a small bit with him alone in the trailer.
It’s a private atmosphere, cozy couch.
“You spend a lot of time here?”
“Not really, I am on set most of the time. I am in here more lately because of all the changes.”
“You like the new cast?”
“Yes, they are marvelous”
“You miss working with Jesse and Jen?”
“I still work with them sometimes.”
“Not as much though”
“Yes well, Jesse was great fun. Jennifer though…
Silence…He looks away, fiddling with his watch.
“Jennifer what?”
“Jennifer…was..uhmm,” he touches his lips “A bit too much.”
“Too much of what?”
About thirty seconds go by. He suddenly looks directly at the camera.
“Of everything” he snaps out of it “Would you like to see my award collection?”
And it’s off.
No panic, no anger, no tears. She is damaged at last.
***
She is one with Cameron now, she understands her completely. Cameron does what she thinks is right not caring what it looks like to others, not caring if they disapprove. In that she is similar to House and Jen wishes she could be like that too. Cameron doesn’t question herself very often either, she doesn’t obsess over why she actually came back to Princeton. She just did. Reasons made sense to her at the time, so what’s the use of looking back? Jen realizes that Cameron doesn’t regret her mistakes; she feels a lot, lives in the moment and when it’s over, it’s over.
What’s left inside she takes at face value, embraces it and goes on. Some might think she is permanently numb, when in fact she is just hibernating.
They are on a new set, second floor of an off-site FOX studio. They take the hospital to the patient this time and it’s a little strange.
“I made my wishes clear”
“And if the fairy was here, she could grant them.” Hugh sighs “That didn’t sound right, can we start from the top?”
It’s the tenth time he’s done this and she feels she’s losing it. She is not as good as Cameron at suppressing her anger. Today his diligence irritates her, she would much rather be as far away from him as possible.
“We can give him drugs for the blockage.”
“I made my wishes clear”
“And if the fairy didn’t… Wait, what’s the line?”
She is about to either burst out laughing or slap his face.
“I made my wishes clear”
“And if the crazy fairy was here she could grant them” he hisses this time “I still didn’t get it, so wrong…”
“Come on!” she exclaims, concealing a chuckle
“Excuse me?”
Everyone in the room is staring at her. Greg yells “Cut!”
“Are you kidding me?” she is now laughing with her arms flapping about “Unbelievable,” she can’t stop her fit.
Hugh is silent.
“It was perfect, Hugh! Perfect! Your timing, your delivery, flawless House,” her voice reaches its highest pitch “If you would just stop being so obnoxious and selfish, you might see that you are not the only one working hard here!”
At this moment she looks him in the eye and sees such intense pain, such silent emotion; she is angry at herself for not noticing it before. This is Hugh and he has been suffering quietly all this time. How could she forget that this man could never be self-centered, vain or malicious? How could she have been so blind? She feels embarrassed, so completely wrong and disgusted with herself.
Snap out of it, this is not you!
“Excuse me”
She gasps, covers her mouth and darts out suppressing her sobs.
What a fool! What an ungrateful bitch! Who is the jerk now?
She runs down the stairs and outside. Into the rain. Her hair and makeup are a waste, the raindrops taste of seawater.
She didn’t expect it to be pouring, too much drama for one day anyway. She walks back in and stays in the doorway, looking out into the rain. The chilly wind makes her feel a little better.
She hears quick steps down the hall, it’s Hugh and she faces him, ashamed, already asking for forgiveness with her whole being. She expects him to yell, to spill his frustration, but when he reaches her he stops inches away and presses his forehead to hers. She is overwhelmed, she wants to say something, but she can’t. They end up standing like this for at least a minute. She takes his hand in the meantime and her cold, wet fingers turn instantly hot.
“I am sorry” she whispers and hopes that he believes and forgets.
“No, I am sorry”
Holding her hand, he traces circles with his thumb. At any moment someone can come down and see them, but it’s hard, so hard to pull away. They hesitate, they move in and then back down.
Her parted lips near his and in a second she backs away, tightening her grip around his hand, coming down from her toes. He towers over her and she is soon backed into the corner, rain falling harder outside an open door.
The air is filled with the silence of their passion, clear and unresolved.
“I’ve missed you.” His voice is raw and it’s the most sincere thing she’s ever heard.
Final try, she closes in and at that moment he pulls away only to grab her face and push her against the wall a second later. His tongue is so deep inside her mouth, his fingers are digging into the skin of her back. He strokes her wet hair and neck and she feels his desire right above her stomach. She holds on to him so tight she almost rips the t-shirt underneath his blazer. She wants the control now and she shoves him against the doorframe almost into the rain. She snakes her hands under his shirt and feels the warmth of his chest. Their tongues never separate, his clothes are now wet in the front while she rubs her whole body against his.
She needs to straddle him and have her way right now, or she’ll never get the chance. Except she is the first to break apart when his hand is gliding over her nipple.
Breathless she says.
“We have to go back in”
“Yeah” he says still kissing her neck and stretching the front of her purple top.
“Hugh” she holds his face, “We have to.”
He looks at her with the determination of a hungry beast, tenderness of a horny cat and disappointment of a baby. She can’t resist and she kisses him one more time.
They first go to their trailers. She is sure there is an extra dry blouse just like this one.
***
She isn’t torn with anticipation for the next week, week without Hugh. She takes comfort in the fact that she is not alone in this.
She drinks her morning coffee on the same bench outside her house every day, just like she always does and she takes up reading again.
Exactly six days later he joins her there at seven in the morning. He brings his own coffee and she knows it is his only day off for a month.
“Morning”
“Morning”
They sit like this for a while. She- reading, him sipping his drink.
“You know how people always say you should take chances, seize the moment?” he starts.
She listens. He is Hugh right now in all his bashful, witty glory.
“Well it never really mattered to me one way or another. So, I did take those chances, did take those steps because, to me, they didn’t really make a difference, they didn’t cause me any eagerness or otherwise. So I thought ‘why not?’ if it makes people around me happy.”
He looks at her from time to time, but mostly admires the concrete beneath his feet.
“This” he gestured between them “is a drag.”
“How romantic.”
He smiles under his breath.
“Yes well. It’s nagging on my conscience, on my heart and …lower extremities at the same time. It is not pleasant and I can’t shake it.”
He takes a breath.
“Seeing you makes me angry at myself, it makes me want more. And who am I to want more when I’ve got all this? Who am I to fucking complain? And yet I care whether I take this chance or not. I care whether I seize this opportunity. You are the difference, you decide whether I put on a blue or a green shirt in the morning, whether I drink regular or decaff, whether I smile or not and whether I ever feel anything but melancholy.”
He stops and looks at her.
“I am sad and pathetic and I absolutely don’t deserve you.”
She waits for him and softly answers.
“I still want you.”
There is softness and relief in his expression.
“Okay.”
“Okay?” she asks surprised.
“Alright.”
They smile gently at each other and it’s their resolution for now. He finishes his coffee and heads back to the bike.
“I’ll see you in a bit” he says puzzlingly.
She doesn’t move, patience finally sinking within her. Of course she wants to make him happier, but she knows she probably can’t.
She loves him.
Not for his talent, not for his humbleness or his sense of humor, not for his dark, depressed vision. In fact, she does not know what she loves him for. Except he touches her on the inside and she feels him.
Emily Bronte comes to her mind “I can’t live without my life. I can’t live without my soul.”