(no subject)
Some days are better than most... generally, I keep on keeping on, grow, maintain, etc... but every now and then something triggers that bottomless nothingness that reminds me that my father is gone from this world. I was just bouncing around youtube watching videos of sorts and then stumbled across some bits from a "Gothic meets Classik" concert from last year... and while tears welled up and I cried a bit listening to "Beloved," it was "Standing" that fucking ripped me wide open and I lost it as if it was that fateful day once more.
When I got the phone call that Louie had been taken to the hospital (Ellie's daughter called and said if there was any way we could get to Tucson, we should), I dropped everything... I told the managers at the shop what was up and said I was going to Tucson. quickly looked at the schedule and everyone said go. Called my brother, walking as fast as I could to the car... left him a message simply stating "Louie's in the hospital. It's not good. I'm coming to get you. We're going to Tucson."
I got to my car, talked to Kathryn, told her I was coming down and I'd meet them at their place... and hit the road.
I had just bought my new car, didn't have much in the way of tunes... just a little usb stick with a bunch of VNV Nation on it, so I put that on repeat and sang loud and with all my heart as I drove through midday traffic down to Orange County.
When "Standing" came on, I sang as loud as my lungs would let me...
"And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still."
particularly, "and will the world stay standing still at least for me..."
screaming to my father to please hold on and wait for us... wishing with all my heart that I would be able to see him and hold his hand and at the very least help him to pass...
I can't tell you how difficult it was to drive through the tears and the sobbing... and when I finally got to my brother's, I parked the car and checked my phone... and there was a text from my uncle saying how sorry he was to hear the news.
And that's how I found out... time didn't stand still, he didn't hang on... in fact, in the end, Ellie pulled the plug. and granted, that's what he would have wanted, but I can't help but feel anger and spite and wish it had been anyone but her to make that call.
but that doesn't matter. it's done. she's gone. no more ties to her. he's gone.
sorry to be such a downer. really just wanted to share this song and a bit of why it wrenches my heart so. and I will listen to it again and again, and it will always be one of my favorite VNV Nation tunes despite and because of what happened.
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear."
When I got the phone call that Louie had been taken to the hospital (Ellie's daughter called and said if there was any way we could get to Tucson, we should), I dropped everything... I told the managers at the shop what was up and said I was going to Tucson. quickly looked at the schedule and everyone said go. Called my brother, walking as fast as I could to the car... left him a message simply stating "Louie's in the hospital. It's not good. I'm coming to get you. We're going to Tucson."
I got to my car, talked to Kathryn, told her I was coming down and I'd meet them at their place... and hit the road.
I had just bought my new car, didn't have much in the way of tunes... just a little usb stick with a bunch of VNV Nation on it, so I put that on repeat and sang loud and with all my heart as I drove through midday traffic down to Orange County.
When "Standing" came on, I sang as loud as my lungs would let me...
"And fighting time so hard I pray
that this moment lasts forever.
And will the world stay standing still at least for me.
Through my eyes stare into me.
I bear my heart for all to see.
With my face turned to the sun there ever standing still."
particularly, "and will the world stay standing still at least for me..."
screaming to my father to please hold on and wait for us... wishing with all my heart that I would be able to see him and hold his hand and at the very least help him to pass...
I can't tell you how difficult it was to drive through the tears and the sobbing... and when I finally got to my brother's, I parked the car and checked my phone... and there was a text from my uncle saying how sorry he was to hear the news.
And that's how I found out... time didn't stand still, he didn't hang on... in fact, in the end, Ellie pulled the plug. and granted, that's what he would have wanted, but I can't help but feel anger and spite and wish it had been anyone but her to make that call.
but that doesn't matter. it's done. she's gone. no more ties to her. he's gone.
sorry to be such a downer. really just wanted to share this song and a bit of why it wrenches my heart so. and I will listen to it again and again, and it will always be one of my favorite VNV Nation tunes despite and because of what happened.
"It wasn't you it wasn't me it wasn't anyone.
It was a day so long awaited and a chance to be as me.
I let the wind run through my hands
as I turned to walk away.
In distant days I long to sense it all so clear."
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