all things missing
"Well, that says a lot. Says a lot, lot, lot. Probably more than we should get in to in this late hour"
He felt a warm breathe on his shoulder, and then he looked at her. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face, touching gently the soft skin of her cheek. God, she was beautiful.
The conversation they had just before she fell asleep still was in his head. What if there is only one choice, and all the other ones were wrong? If Scully's theory was right, then they were suppose to be there, at that very moment. One wrong turn, and they wouldn't be sitting in his room, together. One wrong turn along the way could had change everything. Was that fate's way to say that they were exactly where they were suppose to be?
He kept watching her sleep. He could still feel her breathing on him. It felt so right. Then he stared at her mouth and her perfect lips for a moment. His first extincts were telling him to get through, to cross the line they were avoiding in the past 7 years. He took a blanket and covered her. There was this part of his brain that was hipnotized by her. But the other part, the rational one, was telling him the opposite. After all, Scully was all he had. She was all that had left for him, the only thing -besides, maybe, the truth -in his life that was worth fighting for. Once he crossed that line, he could lose it all.
He stared at her for another final moment, and get off his couch. "Maybe sometimes nothing happens for a reason", she said to him sooner that night. She was probably right.
*
She woke up about 30 minutes after he left the couch, confused. It took some moments to realize where she actually was. She was in Mulder's place, in the middle of the night, sleeping. She remembered that she went to his place to tell him what happened in the past two days. But she didn't tell him everything. She was too scared about her revelation, about what she learned in the Budda Temple, even to say in out loud. The feelings that she tried to avoit for so long, made itself more real than never. How could she tell him something that she wasn't even sure she could tell herself?
She passed her hands in her neck. Even though she didn't slept more than 40 minutes in the couch, the discomfort came quickly. She then noticed the blanked that was envolving her, and smiled for a little moment in the dark, thinking how sweet Mulder was. She looked around the apartment, looking for him. "Don't be stupid", she said to herself. He was obviously sleeping in his room. She didn't want to wake him, but she also thought it would be rude to walk away without saying anything. She went to the bathroom, and looked at her mirror reflection. She didn't liked what she saw. After all she had been trhought in those two days, it would be expected that she had made some mental balance of her life. Now all she could see was a woman in his work partner's apartment, in the middle of the night, all alone. Even though Mulder was so much more than a partner..
She got distracted by the sound of the dripping sink, and didn't realize that her reflected image wasn't alone anymore.
"You woke up." He said, with a half smile in his face.
"And you're not sleeping." She couldn't help but smile too.
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Mulder, it's late, go back to sleep. I don't want to mess up your sleeping schedule or anything, I'm just gonna go home and-" He didn't even let her finish.
"You know me too well to know that I don't have a sleeping schedule since... well, never. C'mon, let's drink some coffee. I wasn't sleeping anyway."
They went to the kitchen, and he started to make coffee.
"So, now you're believing in Budda and all of this indian stuff?" He just wanted to return to that conversation. He just wanted that moment back.
She smiled. "I won't believe in a whole new religion just because I had some kind of vision in a temple." He passed her a mug with fresh coffee. She tasted; it was not bad at all. "But this whole experience made me see some things that I wasn't able to see before."
She sat in a chair, and took another sip. Mulder stared at her, backed in the kitchen sink, with his own mug in his hand. He was curious, but he didn't want her to feel obligate to tell him anything. But he also didn't want her to think he was disinterested. "Like what?"
She took a long breath. "Like the fact that, untill I see Daniel in his hospital bed, with only a daughter with a huge sorrow, I did not realized that I'm a lonely woman. Just like him.. or even worse. I don't have a family. My brother and I barely talk, my sister was murdered with a gunshot that was suppose to be for me, my so called friends don't understand my job or my life choices, and I can't even be the one thing that I want the most.. a mother."
A single tear fell from her eyes. She wiped it quickly, and started to pass her fingers in the mug's nozzle. She didn't know why she said all of this to him. It was something that was bugging her, of course, something that was scaring her. She never said that in out loud before, even more to someone... and at the same time, she felt comfortable to share with him. He took another chair and sat right at her side, and gently put his hand on her shoulder.
"You know", she continued. "Once I said that loneliness is a choice.. but what if it isn't?" She looked down to her mug.
"I think that both of us choose the road least travelled", Mulder said, slowly. "That way doesn't allow us to be surronded with people. But you're not alone, Scully.. and you're definitely not lonely." He raised her chin with his hand, making her look directly on his eyes. His gorgeous green eyes.
"You have me. You will always have me."
They were so close that was possible to feel each other's breath. She felt tears forming in her eyes, but she didn't care. She was hipnotized by his touch, by his eyes. She smiled, and the tears that were in her eyes fell to her cheek. He wiped it, stroking her cheeks for the second time in that night. They gazed for a moment that it seemed to last forever. He pulled her into a hug, and she passed her hands around his neck. He smelt her hair, and closed his eyes for a moment.
She put her hands in his face then, and they gazed for another minute. Their foreheads touched, and they kept looking at each other. She kissed his forehead, slowly, closing her eyes for a moment, but still with her hands on his neck. Their foreheads touched again. He wanted more, so more. But he didn't make a move; his eyes were still on her's. She kissed one of his cheeks. She didn't care about hiding her feelings anymore. They were there, together. They both feel the same way about each other, and they knew it. She looked at him, and delicately pressed her lips on his.
The sparkle rushed all of her body, and his too. They finally closed their eyes, enjoying the moment. There was no bee, there was no rush, no obligation. He pulled her closer to him, closer to his body, while his hands were in her waist. It felt incredible right. It felt incredible good. It felt like it was exactly where they were suppose to be.
After what could have been just a moment, on an eternity, they stop kissing. Mulder stood up, took a long breath and looked at her. "Are you sure?" he whispered. Scully looked at him; she was also breathless She stood up, right in front of him. "I've never been so sure."
She kissed him with passion, an different kiss that they had before, intense, torrid. Her hands were all over his hair, her lips all over his own lips. He pressed her body against his, with his hands on her hips.
No longer than that, they were in his bedroom, undressing each other. Their hands were everywhere, feeling each other, exploring each other. They didn't want to miss a moment. They wouldn't miss a moment. He kissed her slowly, and she moaned, while her arms brought him closer to her. Their bodies fitted perfectly, and they were no longer two. They had become one.
*
The first lights of the morning woke her up. She looked around, making sure it wasn't just a dream, that last night was real. Her head was in his cheast, his arms were around her.
"Mulder?" her voice was the only thing breaking the silence of the room, that was a mixed of light and shadow, light and dark. She put her chin on his cheast. "Mulder, are you awake?"
"Hmm?" He oppened his eyes, and looked at her. He started to pass his fingers in her back, slowly.
"Do you believe this was the right choice?"
He looked at her for a long time, confused. "Don't you?"
"Mulder, don't get me wrong. I am not regret of anything. Is just that.." she stopped for a minute. "I'm afraid things will change."
He brushed the hair of her face. "Scully..."
"You are all I have, Mulder. You're the only constant in my life. I don't wanna risk to lose you. I don't wanna risk to lose everything we are. Because what we are, what we have..." She put her hand in his face, stroking his cheeks. "It's too precious to be lost."
"Nothing will change, I promess." He kissed the top of her head, and hugged her. "And if you don't wanna put everything on risk, you can walk away in the morning and pretend that all of this never happened, and I'll do the same. It's up to you Scully."
She pressed her lips gently on his, and lay her head down to his cheast again. "Thank you", she whispered. He passed his hands in her hair, making delicated moves with his fingers.
"For what?"
"For being my partner." She closed her eyes, and they held each other like it was the last time.
*
She got dressed in the bathroom. The sound of the ceiling fan that was spinning, and the dripping sink was the only thing that she could hear it. She looked at herself in the mirror, fixed her hair, still unsure of what to do.
"Time passes in moments; moments which, rushing past define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
She looked thoughtfully at him for the last time, then walked quietly out of the room.
"But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?"
He felt a warm breathe on his shoulder, and then he looked at her. He brushed a strand of hair out of her face, touching gently the soft skin of her cheek. God, she was beautiful.
The conversation they had just before she fell asleep still was in his head. What if there is only one choice, and all the other ones were wrong? If Scully's theory was right, then they were suppose to be there, at that very moment. One wrong turn, and they wouldn't be sitting in his room, together. One wrong turn along the way could had change everything. Was that fate's way to say that they were exactly where they were suppose to be?
He kept watching her sleep. He could still feel her breathing on him. It felt so right. Then he stared at her mouth and her perfect lips for a moment. His first extincts were telling him to get through, to cross the line they were avoiding in the past 7 years. He took a blanket and covered her. There was this part of his brain that was hipnotized by her. But the other part, the rational one, was telling him the opposite. After all, Scully was all he had. She was all that had left for him, the only thing -besides, maybe, the truth -in his life that was worth fighting for. Once he crossed that line, he could lose it all.
He stared at her for another final moment, and get off his couch. "Maybe sometimes nothing happens for a reason", she said to him sooner that night. She was probably right.
*
She woke up about 30 minutes after he left the couch, confused. It took some moments to realize where she actually was. She was in Mulder's place, in the middle of the night, sleeping. She remembered that she went to his place to tell him what happened in the past two days. But she didn't tell him everything. She was too scared about her revelation, about what she learned in the Budda Temple, even to say in out loud. The feelings that she tried to avoit for so long, made itself more real than never. How could she tell him something that she wasn't even sure she could tell herself?
She passed her hands in her neck. Even though she didn't slept more than 40 minutes in the couch, the discomfort came quickly. She then noticed the blanked that was envolving her, and smiled for a little moment in the dark, thinking how sweet Mulder was. She looked around the apartment, looking for him. "Don't be stupid", she said to herself. He was obviously sleeping in his room. She didn't want to wake him, but she also thought it would be rude to walk away without saying anything. She went to the bathroom, and looked at her mirror reflection. She didn't liked what she saw. After all she had been trhought in those two days, it would be expected that she had made some mental balance of her life. Now all she could see was a woman in his work partner's apartment, in the middle of the night, all alone. Even though Mulder was so much more than a partner..
She got distracted by the sound of the dripping sink, and didn't realize that her reflected image wasn't alone anymore.
"You woke up." He said, with a half smile in his face.
"And you're not sleeping." She couldn't help but smile too.
They stared at each other for a moment.
"Mulder, it's late, go back to sleep. I don't want to mess up your sleeping schedule or anything, I'm just gonna go home and-" He didn't even let her finish.
"You know me too well to know that I don't have a sleeping schedule since... well, never. C'mon, let's drink some coffee. I wasn't sleeping anyway."
They went to the kitchen, and he started to make coffee.
"So, now you're believing in Budda and all of this indian stuff?" He just wanted to return to that conversation. He just wanted that moment back.
She smiled. "I won't believe in a whole new religion just because I had some kind of vision in a temple." He passed her a mug with fresh coffee. She tasted; it was not bad at all. "But this whole experience made me see some things that I wasn't able to see before."
She sat in a chair, and took another sip. Mulder stared at her, backed in the kitchen sink, with his own mug in his hand. He was curious, but he didn't want her to feel obligate to tell him anything. But he also didn't want her to think he was disinterested. "Like what?"
She took a long breath. "Like the fact that, untill I see Daniel in his hospital bed, with only a daughter with a huge sorrow, I did not realized that I'm a lonely woman. Just like him.. or even worse. I don't have a family. My brother and I barely talk, my sister was murdered with a gunshot that was suppose to be for me, my so called friends don't understand my job or my life choices, and I can't even be the one thing that I want the most.. a mother."
A single tear fell from her eyes. She wiped it quickly, and started to pass her fingers in the mug's nozzle. She didn't know why she said all of this to him. It was something that was bugging her, of course, something that was scaring her. She never said that in out loud before, even more to someone... and at the same time, she felt comfortable to share with him. He took another chair and sat right at her side, and gently put his hand on her shoulder.
"You know", she continued. "Once I said that loneliness is a choice.. but what if it isn't?" She looked down to her mug.
"I think that both of us choose the road least travelled", Mulder said, slowly. "That way doesn't allow us to be surronded with people. But you're not alone, Scully.. and you're definitely not lonely." He raised her chin with his hand, making her look directly on his eyes. His gorgeous green eyes.
"You have me. You will always have me."
They were so close that was possible to feel each other's breath. She felt tears forming in her eyes, but she didn't care. She was hipnotized by his touch, by his eyes. She smiled, and the tears that were in her eyes fell to her cheek. He wiped it, stroking her cheeks for the second time in that night. They gazed for a moment that it seemed to last forever. He pulled her into a hug, and she passed her hands around his neck. He smelt her hair, and closed his eyes for a moment.
She put her hands in his face then, and they gazed for another minute. Their foreheads touched, and they kept looking at each other. She kissed his forehead, slowly, closing her eyes for a moment, but still with her hands on his neck. Their foreheads touched again. He wanted more, so more. But he didn't make a move; his eyes were still on her's. She kissed one of his cheeks. She didn't care about hiding her feelings anymore. They were there, together. They both feel the same way about each other, and they knew it. She looked at him, and delicately pressed her lips on his.
The sparkle rushed all of her body, and his too. They finally closed their eyes, enjoying the moment. There was no bee, there was no rush, no obligation. He pulled her closer to him, closer to his body, while his hands were in her waist. It felt incredible right. It felt incredible good. It felt like it was exactly where they were suppose to be.
After what could have been just a moment, on an eternity, they stop kissing. Mulder stood up, took a long breath and looked at her. "Are you sure?" he whispered. Scully looked at him; she was also breathless She stood up, right in front of him. "I've never been so sure."
She kissed him with passion, an different kiss that they had before, intense, torrid. Her hands were all over his hair, her lips all over his own lips. He pressed her body against his, with his hands on her hips.
No longer than that, they were in his bedroom, undressing each other. Their hands were everywhere, feeling each other, exploring each other. They didn't want to miss a moment. They wouldn't miss a moment. He kissed her slowly, and she moaned, while her arms brought him closer to her. Their bodies fitted perfectly, and they were no longer two. They had become one.
*
The first lights of the morning woke her up. She looked around, making sure it wasn't just a dream, that last night was real. Her head was in his cheast, his arms were around her.
"Mulder?" her voice was the only thing breaking the silence of the room, that was a mixed of light and shadow, light and dark. She put her chin on his cheast. "Mulder, are you awake?"
"Hmm?" He oppened his eyes, and looked at her. He started to pass his fingers in her back, slowly.
"Do you believe this was the right choice?"
He looked at her for a long time, confused. "Don't you?"
"Mulder, don't get me wrong. I am not regret of anything. Is just that.." she stopped for a minute. "I'm afraid things will change."
He brushed the hair of her face. "Scully..."
"You are all I have, Mulder. You're the only constant in my life. I don't wanna risk to lose you. I don't wanna risk to lose everything we are. Because what we are, what we have..." She put her hand in his face, stroking his cheeks. "It's too precious to be lost."
"Nothing will change, I promess." He kissed the top of her head, and hugged her. "And if you don't wanna put everything on risk, you can walk away in the morning and pretend that all of this never happened, and I'll do the same. It's up to you Scully."
She pressed her lips gently on his, and lay her head down to his cheast again. "Thank you", she whispered. He passed his hands in her hair, making delicated moves with his fingers.
"For what?"
"For being my partner." She closed her eyes, and they held each other like it was the last time.
*
She got dressed in the bathroom. The sound of the ceiling fan that was spinning, and the dripping sink was the only thing that she could hear it. She looked at herself in the mirror, fixed her hair, still unsure of what to do.
"Time passes in moments; moments which, rushing past define the path of a life just as surely as they lead towards its end. How rarely do we stop to examine that path, to see the reasons why all things happen, to consider whether the path we take in life is our own making or simply one into which we drift with eyes closed.
She looked thoughtfully at him for the last time, then walked quietly out of the room.
"But what if we could stop, pause to take stock of each precious moment before it passes? Might we then see the endless forks in the road that have shaped a life? And, seeing those choices, choose another path?"