Letter #2
When I’m with you, I feel like a bird trapped in a cage waiting for her master to pet her.
No, I don’t love you anymore. I just enjoy torturing myself for not being loved by you. I’m not bitter either. I know from the very start that this can’t happen and I’m happy I’ve finally accepted it. Actually, I have no choice but to do it because the torturing and the hurting is so painful it's slowly destroying my whole being. At first, I admit, I really enjoyed this game of pain, of running and being caught. This slow torture I call 'one-way chicken' is so gratifying and addicting that I thought I needed it badly in my life. It was not all torture and pain either. I only felt it when I realised how this can’t work.
I’ve said it before, that the happiness you bring can’t be compared to the pain I’ve felt from this unrequited love. I’m always happy going to the set because I know I’ll see you and we can have our little moments together. That supply of happiness could last me for months; especially if you’re being overprotective or over possessive. You don’t know how much joy I feel when, amidst all the people in the set, we are quietly conversing in our own bubble and no one could burst that. (Insert other sweet moments here).
But like all the other sad (un)love story, that happiness turns into sadness. And I don’t want to turn that into anger so I want to put an end to all of this while I’m still sane.
Lately, I’ve been having butterflies in the stomach going to the set. I cringe at the thought of seeing you. Not because I hate you, it’s far from that, but because I know I’ll be vulnerable again and I’ll find little happiness with you to treasure that I won’t be able to hold myself back. I’ll find comfort in your loving arms again that I’ll forget I’m finally letting go of my feelings. (I’m afraid that when I see you, I’ll cry buckets of tears begging you to love me back). I know. I’m that stupid. So I wallow in self pity. Thank god for this weekend break that I’m able to ponder on the situation we’re in. I cried of course, lots and lots of tears. I allowed myself for the last time to be engulf in the blackhole that is your love. I realise wallowing on self pity can’t help me. It breaks my heart into little pieces that no one could pick but me.
Now I’m free. I’m no longer a bird trapped in your cage. I wouldn’t allow myself, my whole being to be shattered just because of you. I’m through with this, I’m through with you. I need to love myself more and staying in love with you means hurting myself more.
This is me finally letting my feelings go. This is me starting to move on.
How do you unlove someone? You can’t.You just have to learn to let go and move on and everything will be alright. No of course, it’ll not be alright but you’ll learn eventually to live with (slash without) it.