Seven Seas
Title: Seven Seas
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Henry/DongHae
Genre: Romance. Fluff. Angst. Humor.
Rating: PG-16
A/N: This is DongHae's ver. in my other HenHae fic Sweet Dreams (are made of this) you don't have to necessarily read it but it might make more sense if you do. (sobs, wae iz it soo long??)
Summary: Every since DongHae was a kid, he had an ache in his chest, dreaming about a boy with chubby cheeks. His father explained to him that that feeling was called 'longing'. DongHae didnt understand, but he grew up with it.
DongHae loved his father. His father was his hero, someone he looked up to greatly and even though if someone were to give DongHae a list of all his father’s imperfections, DongHae would gladly accept the list and then he would say that all these made his father even more awesome.
His father is patient and understanding, even when DongHae was having trouble with these dreams. He knew he started having them when he was a kid he would wake up feeling weird afterwards. He asked his father about it, he said that feeling was ‘longing’. A seven-year-old DongHae blinked up to his father, asking what he was longing for, because, really, as a kid, what would you long for, exactly? The newest toy robot? A comic book? But DongHae couldn’t really tell what he ‘longed’ for, all he knew was that it made him sad and he just wanted to make it go away. He asked his father if he could make it go away, all his father did was looking at him gently and messed DongHae’s already messy hair.
“Sorry, kiddo. I wish I could, but I can’t do anything about that.”
DongHae pouted for three hours because that was the first time his father immediately said no to anything DongHae wanted. He didn’t ask for much, really, he just wanted that ache in his chest stop.
“Wanna play tag?” He said, cheeks so incredibly pinch-able and something in DongHae wanted to take this boy home and show the boy to his parents.
DongHae nodded, and took the boy’s tiny hand, who was probably no more than three, and took him to the empty playground. “Tag, you’re it!” and DongHae ran.
“Appa, are you okay?” DongHae brought his father a glass of water, his father coughing violently.
“I’m okay, Hae-ah” his father dismissed the concern with a smile. “Now why don’t you go play with KiBum, I’m sure he’s looking for you.” His father ushered him away. DongHae didn’t think much about it, he said goodbye to his father and skipped away to find his friend.
KiBum. KiBum is probably the bestest best friend DongHae had ever had. He listened to DongHae’s incessant babbles that only sometimes made sense with a kind silence, letting DongHae get everything out of his system before they continue with normal stuff.
“KiBummie! Guess what? Guess what?” DongHae said immediately after finding KiBum in the playground.
“What?” KiBum looked up to his hyung from where he sat, too fascinated with the ladybird in his hand to move.
“I dreamt about him again!” DongHae yelled out excitedly, eager to share with his best friend. Whenever DongHae had dreams about ‘him’, he would rush to tell KiBum, because he didn’t want KiBum to miss out on the fun.
“Really? What did you do?” KiBum perked up, always eager to listen, because that’s what he does best.
“We went to this garden, and there was a lot of butterflies and there were lots and lots of ladybugs and it’s really, really pretty.” DongHae normally didn’t use ‘pretty’ because he was a boy, and boys don’t use ‘pretty’ but he ignored that rule for a moment.
“Really? Aww… I wanna go there too…” KiBum whined.
As eight-year-olds, that was a normal conversation, but as they grew up, and DongHae kept having these dreams more frequently so KiBum started to get worried.
They’re thirteen, sitting in the school cafeteria, talking. Well, KiBum was telling DongHae things that the teen didn’t want to hear.
“Seriously, Hae, you should see someone for that. It’s all you’ve ever talked about since I could remember.” DongHae tried to cover his ears, trying to block all the things that his best friend was saying. He didn’t want to listen to all this. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to.
And yet KiBum went on, “I mean, I think- I’m starting to think that you… you love him. A person that doesn’t exist.”
DongHae’s movement stilled, and he simply stared at his untouched food. The next thing KiBum knew was DongHae was already walking away and left KiBum staring at the back of his friend who suddenly looked so adult. And he looked so, so lonely too.
The flowers in the meadow swayed with the wind, as if dancing with the invisible force. DongHae laid down and watched the blue sky, with him beside himself.
“Hey, look, that one looks like an octopus!” He pointed out, giggling.
DongHae frowned. “How is that an octopus? It looks like a teapot.” DongHae tilted his head, trying to see said octopus in the sky.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“yes, it does.”
“Octopus.”
“Teapot.”
“Octopus.”
“Teapot.”
“Teapot.
“Octopus- Wait, what?” He said, feeling cheated. DongHae laughed and pulled him closer.
“You’re so cute.” DongHae chuckled into his ear, “it still looks like a teapot to me.”
DongHae stopped talking about the dreams to anyone. Even KiBum. He’s starting to recognize that it wasn’t healthy. He didn’t want people to worry about him when everybody seemed to have a lot on their plate lately. His father seemed to be a frequent visitor to the hospital. KiBum was struggling with his parents’ difficult situation and DongHae was doing his best in being the bestest best friend that KiBum could ever have.
“What do you do when your whole seems to be in a motion that you can’t stop?” DongHae wondered out loud.
He looked up from his sandcastle, startled by DongHae’s question. DongHae started to think how old the boy really was. He smiled up to DongHae, “just press pause.”
DongHae wasn’t sure what he meant.
They were fourteen when they were packing KiBum’s things. His parents’ divorce was finalized a week ago, KiBum appeared strangely relieved with that.
“It’s because I’d rather live on a path that’s clear and definite than the hazy and instable ground I was standing on.” KiBum explained and DongHae thought maybe both of them grew up ahead of their time, despite all the evidence that stated otherwise.
“So what do you think America’s like?” DongHae asked while stuffing KiBum’s underwear into the suitcase, trying to make it all fit.
“I don’t know. But mom said the place I’m going to is sunny and it’s not like Korea at all.” KiBum arranged his books neatly into a box.
“…Will you remember me?” DongHae stared at a particular scarf that his mother he made for KiBum one Christmas.
“Hae…” KiBum turned to his friend, hesitated for a moment. “Can I do something?”
“…sure?”
KiBum moved closer, DongHae held his breath. DongHae couldn’t feel it initially because it didn’t register at first that KiBum’s lips touched his in an intimate manner that DongHae felt… he couldn’t name it, but it was sad and happy at the same time.
Both of them lingered there for a moment, not moving, not really saying anything either. Lips were lightly brushing and DongHae realized that this was their first kiss. Ever.
DongHae was the first one to move and he held KiBum close.
That was his first time losing somebody. And it hurts like nobody’s business.
“I had to say goodbye to my best friend today.” DongHae said, picking on his food.
He blinked up to DongHae, cute small eyes going as wide as they could. He reached over and held DongHae’s hand. “It’s okay. I’ll never leave you.” DongHae held on tight, to that hand and that promise.
DongHae sat on his father’s bedside, watching the heart monitor beep, the sounds were a reminder that there was hope after all. He kept quiet and still, because his father needs to recover, and in order to do that he needed sleep and some peace and quiet. His father would be fine. He’s Superman. He’s greater than Superman, he was DongHae’s hero. He’ll be fine.
DongHae was lulled to sleep by that thought, a false sense of security blanketed over him and he finally shut his eyes.
“...Appa?” DongHae blinked at the scene. His father was sitting on a dinner table with him, and they were talking about things, the topic was unsure because they stopped talking the moment DongHae walked into the room.
“Hae-ah, sit down. I’m getting to know your friend here.” His father messed with his hair, just like he would do to DongHae, his heart warmed inexplicably when he saw that action. An action of love and acceptance, because that’s what his father did to him. He sat down, watching his father interact with the cute boy in front of him, the boy who he talked about to his father, outside the dreams. “Hae-ah…. Everything’s going to be okay.”
DongHae was pulled off his father by the doctor, who tried everything to bring the older man back, yelling out medical procedures, telling the nurse to increase the shock and his father arching off the bed and then... nothing happened. The machine was no longer beeping and everybody stopped trying. DongHae was stunned, on the floor and simply watched, as his father was declared dead. He felt like throwing up. He felt like fainting.
He did both.
“What are you doing?” He panted as DongHae’s hands slipped off his shirt, mouth trailing up from his torso to his collarbones, pressing open-mouthed kisses. DongHae took his hand gently and put it on himself, and he looked at him with such pitiful eyes because really, he knew how pitiful he felt inside. And so, so lonely. And he just wanted, wanted him so much it hurts.
“Love me, please. I love you, don’t you love me? Do you love me?” DongHae whispered and only the two of them can hear those words.
“I love you, I do. I do.” He whispered back, but he didn’t take off DongHae’s shirt like DongHae wanted to, but he just circled his arms around the broken boy and held him.
DongHae woke up crying.
DongHae moved on the best way he knew how. He smiled, he laughed, he played pranks, went to sleep feeling empty and woke up thinking about him. He hid all of those because he had to be the strong man in his family, because his mother needed him. She tried to hide that she cried at night, or really, whenever she was home alone. DongHae always came home or woke up to his mother whose eyes were puffed up, skin sickly pale. The paleness of her skin reminded him of how pale his father was, so he evaded his mother the best he could.
That was how it went everyday.
DongHae wouldn’t admit it under the pain of death, because Heechul might actually kill him, but he didn’t remember where or when he met Heechul. It was as if, the next thing he knew, he was the man’s favourite dongsaeng in high school and DongHae had absolutely no idea how that happened. To DongHae, Heechul didn’t leave any significant amount of marks in his life, merely because Heechul is too cautious of his heart to just really give it to someone. There were times DongHae turned to Heechul, wanted some kind of comfort and love but heechul’s walls were so high that Heechul himself didn’t know what to do. DongHae never turned to the older boy ever again, at least, not in that sense. Don’t get him wrong, DongHae appreciated Heechul, high school was a breeze because of the older boy, but to DongHae, Heechul was just a chapter in his life that DongHae would find it easy to forget.
But what he did remember though was when Heechul introduced DongHae to HyukJae.
It felt as if god was saying, ‘I’m sorry that you fell in love with a person that doesn’t exist, your best friend moved away to whole different continent and your father died, and your mother somewhat depressed. Now, this is HyukJae, he pretty much makes up to all of that shit.’
And HyukJae did make most of DongHae’s life better. He was open, receptive and willing to care. There was something about Hyukjae that made DongHae open up one day after school, working on their History project and thought suddenly that he wanted to tell him things. So, being as impulsive as ever, DongHae did. He told about the boy in his dreams, about KiBum, about his father and about feeling lonely.
HyukJae just accepted him, as who he was, down to the nitty gritty stuff.
DongHae told HyukJae he believed in aliens.
“Why?” HyukJae asked him.
“Well… I don’t like to think that we’re the only living beings in the whole universe… it’s…” DongHae struggled to get a word that was really familiar and he wondered why he even struggled to find it in the first place. It was a word that he identified with so much. “…lonely. It’s lonely.”
DongHae laid on the bed, panting, hands on his back, trying to get him closer, closer and closer. Clothes strewn on the floor, their mouths fused together and DongHae felt so full and so good that he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. Everything he was feeling right then was beyond words.
“Oh-oh, fuck-!” DongHae gasped out, his back arched and he came. He did so too a few seconds later, forehead pressed against DongHae’s shoulders as he slumped over DongHae's body. He kept murmuring things like ‘I love you’, ‘perfect’ and ‘never end’.
When DongHae could move again, he simply held on tighter and refused to shut his eyes.
“Do you know why Sherlock Holmes calls Irene Adler the woman?” HyukJae asked his quite randomly one day, during one of their gaming sessions. DongHae wondered for a moment where the hell did that come from but then he remembered HyukJae’s crush on the substitute English teacher.
“No.” Obviously, duh. HyukJae turned to him, earnest and a little bit excited.
“Because to him, she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex.” HyukJae explained and DongHae still had no idea what the hell his best friend was talking about. But he understood that a little bit differently than it was meant to.
“So the boy in my dreams is like… The Boy.” DongHae mused as he thought of a boy who had small eyes, soft cheeks and a sweet smile, who lately had been whispering dirty things in his dreams that DongHae thought it was unfair someone who looked so innocent would know phrases that DongHae himself wouldn’t dare to utter.
HyukJae smiled gummily, “yeah, I guess so.”
So that was how they started calling the boy in DongHae’s dream ‘The Boy’.
DongHae soon learned about how much his family owed the hospital and a few people. The sum wasn’t pretty and now he knew what his mother was up against, he panicked, and rounded the town for jobs that he could do. HyukJae helped him the best that he could, looking over the newspaper for jobs. He even enrolled Daniel, the substitute English teacher he was hopelessly in love with to help.
But DongHae was either too inexperienced, or too young, etcetera. He felt so strung out, so hopeless… so useless, he couldn’t even-
Everything sucked. Everything. All DongHae wanted to do was sleep and dream… and never wake up. Never.
They don’t have much time. Why? They don’t remember. All they know is that they have fifteen minutes. Fifteen.
Even if it was a simple up against the wall sex, DongHae felt… gathered. In his hands, DongHae was complete, pieces of his heart and soul weren’t scattered everywhere, tugged at all different directions. He was simply there, at one place, complete, with him.
“Can I hold you?” He whispered into DongHae’s ear and DongHae thought it was very stupid of him to ask. Of course, of course he could. The world would burn down to ashes right then and DongHae wouldn’t have cared.
DongHae wouldn’t tell anyone this, anyone, even HyukJae because a part of him was thinking… what if? What if The Boy existed? What if he was real and DongHae was connected to him somehow? That they were… soulmates? Maybe The Boy existed, in a different world, different continent, different city but they were… connected?
“No.” HyukJae said firmly, when DongHae couldn’t contain himself anymore as he explored the possibilities, he spilled his thoughts to his best friend. He thought he wouldn’t tell HyukJae, but that was impossible. They were best friends after all.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” DongHae was ready and defensive, because he really liked those possibilities. HyukJae bit his lip and shook his head. DongHae didn’t know whether or not to thank HyukJae for holding his thoughts back.
“…Nothing.” HyukJae sighed. “Here, a friend of Daniel-hyung saw a picture of you and gave him his business card. He’s interested in you. It’s legit and it pays well. I think you’re going to be good at this.” HyukJae put a business card in DongHae’s hand. The eighteen year-old stared at it and blinked.
A famous modeling agency’s name was written so professionally on the card, with the agent’s name written on it so elegantly.
Park JungSu.
DongHae didn’t wait long to call the… agent… scout… whatever. DongHae needed the money. Even if he needed to wear weird ass clothes, so be it… as long it wasn’t anything perverted.
The man, JungSu was quite happy DongHae called, from the sounds of it. He could have sworn the man squealed but DongHae wasn’t sure, it could be the landlines in his area messing up again. He was required to show up in Seoul, in one of their main headquarters so that everybody could take a closer look.
DongHae went to his piggy bank and counted his money, and found out that he wasn’t even close to buy a bus ticket to go there. He sighed and swallowed his pride big time. He called Daniel.
“Daniel-hyung… can I borrow some money?” And prayed to God the answer was yes.
“It feels like I’m taking and taking… but I’m not giving.” DongHae confessed to him, they’re in one of their familiar meadow, The Boy was simply munching on a sandwich.
“But… you do give.” The Boy turned to him, that smile achingly sweet, “trust me, you give. A lot. I… I don’t think I would be able to go through the day without you.”
DongHae suddenly found that he had a lapful of The Boy, sandwich forgotten and he was smiling down to DongHae as if DongHae himself was a blessing.
DongHae thought that maybe he finally understood what it was to be ‘loved’.
Seoul was freaky. It’s nothing like Mokpo. It’s busy, polluted, cold and… lonely. People passed by each other everyday, ignoring other sentient beings, rushing always. DongHae felt claustrophobic in the streets as he maneuvered around the buildings and people to look for the office of SM Modeling Agency.
When he got there, he was fussed over by JungSu, who deemed him as Korea’s Next Top Model. The man beside him only snickered at his lack of originality. JungSu simply ignored the man.
But the stylist, JaeJoong took a look at him and announced that there was a lot of work to be done. First of all, DongHae’s hair had to highlighted and some other things that DongHae didn’t understand. And there was going to be a severe need of wardrobe makeover, JaeJoong claimed as he eyed DongHae’s beat up sneakers, baggy and worn out jeans and… well, at least the shirt was nice. DongHae left out the part that the shirt actually belonged to Heechul that he borrowed from a long time ago but he was sure it didn’t matter.
JungSu stopped JaeJoong before the other man could go to the extremes, and took DongHae to his office so they could discuss in a calm manner. It surprised DongHae that JungSu could be calm at all but the man pulled it off.
DongHae didn’t even hesitate to sign the contract; while JungSu was fussing that DongHae should at least look over it with a lawyer… or an adult.
“JungSu-ssi, I am an adult.” Barely. He celebrated his eighteenth birthday last month, but he had a feeling that he was an adult way before that. JungSu’s eyes softened and a smile played on his lips.
“Yes, you are, DongHae-ssi. Yes, you are.”
After DongHae got a haircut, apparently, he was the epitome of sex. And sex sells. A lot. Before he knew it, he was in magazines, posing for jeans, shirts, perfumes, and several others that DongHae couldn’t remember.
HyukJae would buy the magazines that he appeared in just to laugh at him. DongHae laughed along, because he too found everything ridiculous, but whatever. It pays well and soon enough he settled the hospital bills and other debts in his life. His mother still live in Mokpo, getting on well and she made sure her son calls her at least once a week so she could nag at him for being too skinny in his newest ad.
HyukJae finally choked out to Daniel that he loved him. DongHae was quite relieved to hear the news. DongHae thought that he couldn’t get his happy ending but at least HyukJae, the kindest person in the world, should.
“You know what the smart-ass said to me when I told him that I love him?” HyukJae vented, stuffing popcorn in his mouth, one night in their apartment (a three bedroom they share) in Seoul, Daniel was passed out grading papers in his room and both of them were left alone to watch the dumbest non-funny comedy ever.
“What? What did he say?”
“He said ‘Of course you do. Why do you think I’m still single?’” HyukJae’s mimicry of Daniel was creepily alike, especially when they look so similar. “Bastard. As if anyone would want him.”
DongHae didn’t point out that HyukJae had been in love with the man since he was fifteen and just smiled as he ignored the cold grip of loneliness in his chest.
DongHae was twenty-two and still dreamt and thought about The Boy. All the time.
The Boy laughed, his hand tight around DongHae’s. His hand was sort of calloused but it was perfect. Made for him. Made for each other. They were on the beach, feeling the sand underneath their feet, leaving footprints that would be soon washed away. He didn’t know what they were laughing about, but all he cared about right then was that they were together and they were happy. This is their world.
“I’ll see you soon, right?” DongHae whispered into The Boy’s ear. Because he needed this to be true. He held on to this for so long. He turned around to face DongHae but-
But then DongHae woke up, gripping the sheets and realized that there was no beach. No, it was just him in the empty room.
“Hae-ah, there’s this new up-and-coming designer and he specifically asked you. Do you want the job?” JungSu asked him over the phone, DongHae was in the shower and he almost tripped trying to answer it. “His name is… uh wait, let me check… Kim Heechul.”
DongHae paused for a moment with one of his legs in the jeans; another was lifted in the air.
“Heechul?” DongHae reeled, the Heechul? Heenim, the Cinderella, the Queen Bee? Really? How many Heechuls were there in this world. Not much, DongHae hoped. He didn't think the world would survive.
“Yeah. He specifically asked for you. And he even got one of the best photographer in Asia to come all the way from Beijing to Seoul. ZhouMi, I hope I pronounced that right. Anyway, do you want this job?”
DongHae nodded eagerly then realized that JungSu couldn’t see him and he said, ‘yesyesyes. Ihavetogocallyoulaterhyungbye!”
And he raced to HyukJae’s room, failed to remember for a moment that it was ‘HyukJae’s and Daniel’s’ room now and the sight he was graced with made him temporarily blind.
“OHMYGOD! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THAT WAS DISGUSTING!” DongHae yelled and ran to the kitchen, looking for a spoon to gouge his eyes out.
In truth, DongHae wished that he could wake up to someone like HyukJae could, Daniel was the first thing he sees when he opened his eyes.
He was panting, enjoying the post-coital high he was in, his legs intertwined with DongHae’s. Both of them were trying to get a grip on reality but they continued to just be. DongHae moved closer to him, if it was possible. Their bodies were pressed together, molded perfectly, as if made for each other. DongHae hands were playing with his hair that was damp with sweat.
“I’ll see you soon, right? Promise?” DongHae begged him with that puppy eyes.
“I promise.”
The smile DongHae gave as a reaction to that answer was blinding, he knew that. He simply couldn't control it. “Sing me something.” DongHae begged him, snuggling to his long neck.
He didn’t actually sing but he did hum some random song DongHae felt familiar with. It didn’t matter. Both of them were out within a few minutes.
A few days later, DongHae was at the photoshoot and the stylist were giving him a ruffled button-up shirt. DongHae shook his head, because this felt totally Heechul-ish and just put it on.
“See, I knew you would look good in these!” Heechul appeared out of nowhere and scared the stylist.
“Hyung!” DongHae noted how much his friend had changed. His long hair was gone, but was dyed blonde. His clothes still had a touch of eccentricity and it was just plain Heechul. DongHae hesitated, not knowing if he should hug the man or not but Heechul beat him to it, wrapping his arms around the slightly shorter dongsaeng.
DongHae thought that was the moment that he finally understood Heechul, through a simple hug. He didn’t know how but he just simply did. Heechul then let him, smiled at him (a smile, not a smirk or a snicker) and turned to the stylist, scolding her for being too slow. The stylist, who appeared to be too used to Heechul, just patted Heechul on the shoulder and shooed him away.
The stylist finally deemed him done half and hour later and DongHae was set free.
He was tugging on his blazer when his eyes caught somebody familiar. He swiveled around, desperate and felt the hope, the ‘maybes’ piling up in his chest and he followed the boy. And it was really him.
Those eyes. Cheeks. Lips. Hands. DongHae wasn’t sure what he was feeling, he didn’t know what to do, his brain gave up trying to keep up with all of the emotions bouncing around but his body seemed to be on autopilot because his legs were in a sprint and his hand were already clasped on his, and suddenly they were in a poorly lit broom’s closet (At least DongHae thought that it was a broom’s closet because there were only one broom in that tiny space).
And DongHae was kissing him with everything he had, holding on to him as if The Boy was a lifeline… Name. Oh, yeah. Names.
“I’m DongHae.” He whispered, hands moving up and down The Boy’s back. Real. Real. Real.
“H-Henry.” Didn’t expect an English name. But it was beautiful, unique and fitting. “What are you doing here?”
Here? Where? Oh. Job. Photoshoot. Abandoned building. “I’m one of the models.” Well, he knows something is wrong when both of them are being coherent so he proceeded to unbuckle The B- Henry’s belt.
“F-fifteen minutes- ahh.” That was beautiful, that voice. That sound. Henry’s hands were unbuckling DongHae’s belt and eagerly pushed the pants down. DongHae didn’t care that Heechul would really kill him for ruining the pants.
DongHae smirked, remembering those dreams where they had fifteen minutes. “It’s okay. We’ve done this a few times before.” DongHae leaned in and licked Henry’s ear, a little taste of what’s to come. “We’ll make it in fifteen minutes.” And he kissed those lips again.
“That wasn’t the hair that I agreed on.” Heechul scrutinized DongHae. “But whatever, I guess. As long as it’s hot. Now go.”
DongHae would say that it was his best shoot yet, and he knew a lot of people agreed when they reviewed back the photos.
“You’re glowing.” The photographer, ZhouMi commented, and DongHae couldn’t resist winking at Henry, who shook his head adoringly at him.
Hey, Appa, I bet you’re proud of me right now. I made the ache go away. And I’m not lonely anymore. You were right, everything was going to be okay.
-end-
Yay for the story spinning out of my control./cries.
Hope you guys liked it. I have mixed feelings for it.
comments/concrits/spazzing about them boys are loved. <3
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Henry/DongHae
Genre: Romance. Fluff. Angst. Humor.
Rating: PG-16
A/N: This is DongHae's ver. in my other HenHae fic Sweet Dreams (are made of this) you don't have to necessarily read it but it might make more sense if you do. (sobs, wae iz it soo long??)
Summary: Every since DongHae was a kid, he had an ache in his chest, dreaming about a boy with chubby cheeks. His father explained to him that that feeling was called 'longing'. DongHae didnt understand, but he grew up with it.
DongHae loved his father. His father was his hero, someone he looked up to greatly and even though if someone were to give DongHae a list of all his father’s imperfections, DongHae would gladly accept the list and then he would say that all these made his father even more awesome.
His father is patient and understanding, even when DongHae was having trouble with these dreams. He knew he started having them when he was a kid he would wake up feeling weird afterwards. He asked his father about it, he said that feeling was ‘longing’. A seven-year-old DongHae blinked up to his father, asking what he was longing for, because, really, as a kid, what would you long for, exactly? The newest toy robot? A comic book? But DongHae couldn’t really tell what he ‘longed’ for, all he knew was that it made him sad and he just wanted to make it go away. He asked his father if he could make it go away, all his father did was looking at him gently and messed DongHae’s already messy hair.
“Sorry, kiddo. I wish I could, but I can’t do anything about that.”
DongHae pouted for three hours because that was the first time his father immediately said no to anything DongHae wanted. He didn’t ask for much, really, he just wanted that ache in his chest stop.
“Wanna play tag?” He said, cheeks so incredibly pinch-able and something in DongHae wanted to take this boy home and show the boy to his parents.
DongHae nodded, and took the boy’s tiny hand, who was probably no more than three, and took him to the empty playground. “Tag, you’re it!” and DongHae ran.
“Appa, are you okay?” DongHae brought his father a glass of water, his father coughing violently.
“I’m okay, Hae-ah” his father dismissed the concern with a smile. “Now why don’t you go play with KiBum, I’m sure he’s looking for you.” His father ushered him away. DongHae didn’t think much about it, he said goodbye to his father and skipped away to find his friend.
KiBum. KiBum is probably the bestest best friend DongHae had ever had. He listened to DongHae’s incessant babbles that only sometimes made sense with a kind silence, letting DongHae get everything out of his system before they continue with normal stuff.
“KiBummie! Guess what? Guess what?” DongHae said immediately after finding KiBum in the playground.
“What?” KiBum looked up to his hyung from where he sat, too fascinated with the ladybird in his hand to move.
“I dreamt about him again!” DongHae yelled out excitedly, eager to share with his best friend. Whenever DongHae had dreams about ‘him’, he would rush to tell KiBum, because he didn’t want KiBum to miss out on the fun.
“Really? What did you do?” KiBum perked up, always eager to listen, because that’s what he does best.
“We went to this garden, and there was a lot of butterflies and there were lots and lots of ladybugs and it’s really, really pretty.” DongHae normally didn’t use ‘pretty’ because he was a boy, and boys don’t use ‘pretty’ but he ignored that rule for a moment.
“Really? Aww… I wanna go there too…” KiBum whined.
As eight-year-olds, that was a normal conversation, but as they grew up, and DongHae kept having these dreams more frequently so KiBum started to get worried.
They’re thirteen, sitting in the school cafeteria, talking. Well, KiBum was telling DongHae things that the teen didn’t want to hear.
“Seriously, Hae, you should see someone for that. It’s all you’ve ever talked about since I could remember.” DongHae tried to cover his ears, trying to block all the things that his best friend was saying. He didn’t want to listen to all this. He didn’t want to. He didn’t want to.
And yet KiBum went on, “I mean, I think- I’m starting to think that you… you love him. A person that doesn’t exist.”
DongHae’s movement stilled, and he simply stared at his untouched food. The next thing KiBum knew was DongHae was already walking away and left KiBum staring at the back of his friend who suddenly looked so adult. And he looked so, so lonely too.
The flowers in the meadow swayed with the wind, as if dancing with the invisible force. DongHae laid down and watched the blue sky, with him beside himself.
“Hey, look, that one looks like an octopus!” He pointed out, giggling.
DongHae frowned. “How is that an octopus? It looks like a teapot.” DongHae tilted his head, trying to see said octopus in the sky.
“No, it doesn’t.”
“yes, it does.”
“Octopus.”
“Teapot.”
“Octopus.”
“Teapot.”
“Teapot.
“Octopus- Wait, what?” He said, feeling cheated. DongHae laughed and pulled him closer.
“You’re so cute.” DongHae chuckled into his ear, “it still looks like a teapot to me.”
DongHae stopped talking about the dreams to anyone. Even KiBum. He’s starting to recognize that it wasn’t healthy. He didn’t want people to worry about him when everybody seemed to have a lot on their plate lately. His father seemed to be a frequent visitor to the hospital. KiBum was struggling with his parents’ difficult situation and DongHae was doing his best in being the bestest best friend that KiBum could ever have.
“What do you do when your whole seems to be in a motion that you can’t stop?” DongHae wondered out loud.
He looked up from his sandcastle, startled by DongHae’s question. DongHae started to think how old the boy really was. He smiled up to DongHae, “just press pause.”
DongHae wasn’t sure what he meant.
They were fourteen when they were packing KiBum’s things. His parents’ divorce was finalized a week ago, KiBum appeared strangely relieved with that.
“It’s because I’d rather live on a path that’s clear and definite than the hazy and instable ground I was standing on.” KiBum explained and DongHae thought maybe both of them grew up ahead of their time, despite all the evidence that stated otherwise.
“So what do you think America’s like?” DongHae asked while stuffing KiBum’s underwear into the suitcase, trying to make it all fit.
“I don’t know. But mom said the place I’m going to is sunny and it’s not like Korea at all.” KiBum arranged his books neatly into a box.
“…Will you remember me?” DongHae stared at a particular scarf that his mother he made for KiBum one Christmas.
“Hae…” KiBum turned to his friend, hesitated for a moment. “Can I do something?”
“…sure?”
KiBum moved closer, DongHae held his breath. DongHae couldn’t feel it initially because it didn’t register at first that KiBum’s lips touched his in an intimate manner that DongHae felt… he couldn’t name it, but it was sad and happy at the same time.
Both of them lingered there for a moment, not moving, not really saying anything either. Lips were lightly brushing and DongHae realized that this was their first kiss. Ever.
DongHae was the first one to move and he held KiBum close.
That was his first time losing somebody. And it hurts like nobody’s business.
“I had to say goodbye to my best friend today.” DongHae said, picking on his food.
He blinked up to DongHae, cute small eyes going as wide as they could. He reached over and held DongHae’s hand. “It’s okay. I’ll never leave you.” DongHae held on tight, to that hand and that promise.
DongHae sat on his father’s bedside, watching the heart monitor beep, the sounds were a reminder that there was hope after all. He kept quiet and still, because his father needs to recover, and in order to do that he needed sleep and some peace and quiet. His father would be fine. He’s Superman. He’s greater than Superman, he was DongHae’s hero. He’ll be fine.
DongHae was lulled to sleep by that thought, a false sense of security blanketed over him and he finally shut his eyes.
“...Appa?” DongHae blinked at the scene. His father was sitting on a dinner table with him, and they were talking about things, the topic was unsure because they stopped talking the moment DongHae walked into the room.
“Hae-ah, sit down. I’m getting to know your friend here.” His father messed with his hair, just like he would do to DongHae, his heart warmed inexplicably when he saw that action. An action of love and acceptance, because that’s what his father did to him. He sat down, watching his father interact with the cute boy in front of him, the boy who he talked about to his father, outside the dreams. “Hae-ah…. Everything’s going to be okay.”
DongHae was pulled off his father by the doctor, who tried everything to bring the older man back, yelling out medical procedures, telling the nurse to increase the shock and his father arching off the bed and then... nothing happened. The machine was no longer beeping and everybody stopped trying. DongHae was stunned, on the floor and simply watched, as his father was declared dead. He felt like throwing up. He felt like fainting.
He did both.
“What are you doing?” He panted as DongHae’s hands slipped off his shirt, mouth trailing up from his torso to his collarbones, pressing open-mouthed kisses. DongHae took his hand gently and put it on himself, and he looked at him with such pitiful eyes because really, he knew how pitiful he felt inside. And so, so lonely. And he just wanted, wanted him so much it hurts.
“Love me, please. I love you, don’t you love me? Do you love me?” DongHae whispered and only the two of them can hear those words.
“I love you, I do. I do.” He whispered back, but he didn’t take off DongHae’s shirt like DongHae wanted to, but he just circled his arms around the broken boy and held him.
DongHae woke up crying.
DongHae moved on the best way he knew how. He smiled, he laughed, he played pranks, went to sleep feeling empty and woke up thinking about him. He hid all of those because he had to be the strong man in his family, because his mother needed him. She tried to hide that she cried at night, or really, whenever she was home alone. DongHae always came home or woke up to his mother whose eyes were puffed up, skin sickly pale. The paleness of her skin reminded him of how pale his father was, so he evaded his mother the best he could.
That was how it went everyday.
DongHae wouldn’t admit it under the pain of death, because Heechul might actually kill him, but he didn’t remember where or when he met Heechul. It was as if, the next thing he knew, he was the man’s favourite dongsaeng in high school and DongHae had absolutely no idea how that happened. To DongHae, Heechul didn’t leave any significant amount of marks in his life, merely because Heechul is too cautious of his heart to just really give it to someone. There were times DongHae turned to Heechul, wanted some kind of comfort and love but heechul’s walls were so high that Heechul himself didn’t know what to do. DongHae never turned to the older boy ever again, at least, not in that sense. Don’t get him wrong, DongHae appreciated Heechul, high school was a breeze because of the older boy, but to DongHae, Heechul was just a chapter in his life that DongHae would find it easy to forget.
But what he did remember though was when Heechul introduced DongHae to HyukJae.
It felt as if god was saying, ‘I’m sorry that you fell in love with a person that doesn’t exist, your best friend moved away to whole different continent and your father died, and your mother somewhat depressed. Now, this is HyukJae, he pretty much makes up to all of that shit.’
And HyukJae did make most of DongHae’s life better. He was open, receptive and willing to care. There was something about Hyukjae that made DongHae open up one day after school, working on their History project and thought suddenly that he wanted to tell him things. So, being as impulsive as ever, DongHae did. He told about the boy in his dreams, about KiBum, about his father and about feeling lonely.
HyukJae just accepted him, as who he was, down to the nitty gritty stuff.
DongHae told HyukJae he believed in aliens.
“Why?” HyukJae asked him.
“Well… I don’t like to think that we’re the only living beings in the whole universe… it’s…” DongHae struggled to get a word that was really familiar and he wondered why he even struggled to find it in the first place. It was a word that he identified with so much. “…lonely. It’s lonely.”
DongHae laid on the bed, panting, hands on his back, trying to get him closer, closer and closer. Clothes strewn on the floor, their mouths fused together and DongHae felt so full and so good that he couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. Everything he was feeling right then was beyond words.
“Oh-oh, fuck-!” DongHae gasped out, his back arched and he came. He did so too a few seconds later, forehead pressed against DongHae’s shoulders as he slumped over DongHae's body. He kept murmuring things like ‘I love you’, ‘perfect’ and ‘never end’.
When DongHae could move again, he simply held on tighter and refused to shut his eyes.
“Do you know why Sherlock Holmes calls Irene Adler the woman?” HyukJae asked his quite randomly one day, during one of their gaming sessions. DongHae wondered for a moment where the hell did that come from but then he remembered HyukJae’s crush on the substitute English teacher.
“No.” Obviously, duh. HyukJae turned to him, earnest and a little bit excited.
“Because to him, she eclipses and predominates the whole of her sex.” HyukJae explained and DongHae still had no idea what the hell his best friend was talking about. But he understood that a little bit differently than it was meant to.
“So the boy in my dreams is like… The Boy.” DongHae mused as he thought of a boy who had small eyes, soft cheeks and a sweet smile, who lately had been whispering dirty things in his dreams that DongHae thought it was unfair someone who looked so innocent would know phrases that DongHae himself wouldn’t dare to utter.
HyukJae smiled gummily, “yeah, I guess so.”
So that was how they started calling the boy in DongHae’s dream ‘The Boy’.
DongHae soon learned about how much his family owed the hospital and a few people. The sum wasn’t pretty and now he knew what his mother was up against, he panicked, and rounded the town for jobs that he could do. HyukJae helped him the best that he could, looking over the newspaper for jobs. He even enrolled Daniel, the substitute English teacher he was hopelessly in love with to help.
But DongHae was either too inexperienced, or too young, etcetera. He felt so strung out, so hopeless… so useless, he couldn’t even-
Everything sucked. Everything. All DongHae wanted to do was sleep and dream… and never wake up. Never.
They don’t have much time. Why? They don’t remember. All they know is that they have fifteen minutes. Fifteen.
Even if it was a simple up against the wall sex, DongHae felt… gathered. In his hands, DongHae was complete, pieces of his heart and soul weren’t scattered everywhere, tugged at all different directions. He was simply there, at one place, complete, with him.
“Can I hold you?” He whispered into DongHae’s ear and DongHae thought it was very stupid of him to ask. Of course, of course he could. The world would burn down to ashes right then and DongHae wouldn’t have cared.
DongHae wouldn’t tell anyone this, anyone, even HyukJae because a part of him was thinking… what if? What if The Boy existed? What if he was real and DongHae was connected to him somehow? That they were… soulmates? Maybe The Boy existed, in a different world, different continent, different city but they were… connected?
“No.” HyukJae said firmly, when DongHae couldn’t contain himself anymore as he explored the possibilities, he spilled his thoughts to his best friend. He thought he wouldn’t tell HyukJae, but that was impossible. They were best friends after all.
“What do you mean ‘no’?” DongHae was ready and defensive, because he really liked those possibilities. HyukJae bit his lip and shook his head. DongHae didn’t know whether or not to thank HyukJae for holding his thoughts back.
“…Nothing.” HyukJae sighed. “Here, a friend of Daniel-hyung saw a picture of you and gave him his business card. He’s interested in you. It’s legit and it pays well. I think you’re going to be good at this.” HyukJae put a business card in DongHae’s hand. The eighteen year-old stared at it and blinked.
A famous modeling agency’s name was written so professionally on the card, with the agent’s name written on it so elegantly.
Park JungSu.
DongHae didn’t wait long to call the… agent… scout… whatever. DongHae needed the money. Even if he needed to wear weird ass clothes, so be it… as long it wasn’t anything perverted.
The man, JungSu was quite happy DongHae called, from the sounds of it. He could have sworn the man squealed but DongHae wasn’t sure, it could be the landlines in his area messing up again. He was required to show up in Seoul, in one of their main headquarters so that everybody could take a closer look.
DongHae went to his piggy bank and counted his money, and found out that he wasn’t even close to buy a bus ticket to go there. He sighed and swallowed his pride big time. He called Daniel.
“Daniel-hyung… can I borrow some money?” And prayed to God the answer was yes.
“It feels like I’m taking and taking… but I’m not giving.” DongHae confessed to him, they’re in one of their familiar meadow, The Boy was simply munching on a sandwich.
“But… you do give.” The Boy turned to him, that smile achingly sweet, “trust me, you give. A lot. I… I don’t think I would be able to go through the day without you.”
DongHae suddenly found that he had a lapful of The Boy, sandwich forgotten and he was smiling down to DongHae as if DongHae himself was a blessing.
DongHae thought that maybe he finally understood what it was to be ‘loved’.
Seoul was freaky. It’s nothing like Mokpo. It’s busy, polluted, cold and… lonely. People passed by each other everyday, ignoring other sentient beings, rushing always. DongHae felt claustrophobic in the streets as he maneuvered around the buildings and people to look for the office of SM Modeling Agency.
When he got there, he was fussed over by JungSu, who deemed him as Korea’s Next Top Model. The man beside him only snickered at his lack of originality. JungSu simply ignored the man.
But the stylist, JaeJoong took a look at him and announced that there was a lot of work to be done. First of all, DongHae’s hair had to highlighted and some other things that DongHae didn’t understand. And there was going to be a severe need of wardrobe makeover, JaeJoong claimed as he eyed DongHae’s beat up sneakers, baggy and worn out jeans and… well, at least the shirt was nice. DongHae left out the part that the shirt actually belonged to Heechul that he borrowed from a long time ago but he was sure it didn’t matter.
JungSu stopped JaeJoong before the other man could go to the extremes, and took DongHae to his office so they could discuss in a calm manner. It surprised DongHae that JungSu could be calm at all but the man pulled it off.
DongHae didn’t even hesitate to sign the contract; while JungSu was fussing that DongHae should at least look over it with a lawyer… or an adult.
“JungSu-ssi, I am an adult.” Barely. He celebrated his eighteenth birthday last month, but he had a feeling that he was an adult way before that. JungSu’s eyes softened and a smile played on his lips.
“Yes, you are, DongHae-ssi. Yes, you are.”
After DongHae got a haircut, apparently, he was the epitome of sex. And sex sells. A lot. Before he knew it, he was in magazines, posing for jeans, shirts, perfumes, and several others that DongHae couldn’t remember.
HyukJae would buy the magazines that he appeared in just to laugh at him. DongHae laughed along, because he too found everything ridiculous, but whatever. It pays well and soon enough he settled the hospital bills and other debts in his life. His mother still live in Mokpo, getting on well and she made sure her son calls her at least once a week so she could nag at him for being too skinny in his newest ad.
HyukJae finally choked out to Daniel that he loved him. DongHae was quite relieved to hear the news. DongHae thought that he couldn’t get his happy ending but at least HyukJae, the kindest person in the world, should.
“You know what the smart-ass said to me when I told him that I love him?” HyukJae vented, stuffing popcorn in his mouth, one night in their apartment (a three bedroom they share) in Seoul, Daniel was passed out grading papers in his room and both of them were left alone to watch the dumbest non-funny comedy ever.
“What? What did he say?”
“He said ‘Of course you do. Why do you think I’m still single?’” HyukJae’s mimicry of Daniel was creepily alike, especially when they look so similar. “Bastard. As if anyone would want him.”
DongHae didn’t point out that HyukJae had been in love with the man since he was fifteen and just smiled as he ignored the cold grip of loneliness in his chest.
DongHae was twenty-two and still dreamt and thought about The Boy. All the time.
The Boy laughed, his hand tight around DongHae’s. His hand was sort of calloused but it was perfect. Made for him. Made for each other. They were on the beach, feeling the sand underneath their feet, leaving footprints that would be soon washed away. He didn’t know what they were laughing about, but all he cared about right then was that they were together and they were happy. This is their world.
“I’ll see you soon, right?” DongHae whispered into The Boy’s ear. Because he needed this to be true. He held on to this for so long. He turned around to face DongHae but-
But then DongHae woke up, gripping the sheets and realized that there was no beach. No, it was just him in the empty room.
“Hae-ah, there’s this new up-and-coming designer and he specifically asked you. Do you want the job?” JungSu asked him over the phone, DongHae was in the shower and he almost tripped trying to answer it. “His name is… uh wait, let me check… Kim Heechul.”
DongHae paused for a moment with one of his legs in the jeans; another was lifted in the air.
“Heechul?” DongHae reeled, the Heechul? Heenim, the Cinderella, the Queen Bee? Really? How many Heechuls were there in this world. Not much, DongHae hoped. He didn't think the world would survive.
“Yeah. He specifically asked for you. And he even got one of the best photographer in Asia to come all the way from Beijing to Seoul. ZhouMi, I hope I pronounced that right. Anyway, do you want this job?”
DongHae nodded eagerly then realized that JungSu couldn’t see him and he said, ‘yesyesyes. Ihavetogocallyoulaterhyungbye!”
And he raced to HyukJae’s room, failed to remember for a moment that it was ‘HyukJae’s and Daniel’s’ room now and the sight he was graced with made him temporarily blind.
“OHMYGOD! WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING? THAT WAS DISGUSTING!” DongHae yelled and ran to the kitchen, looking for a spoon to gouge his eyes out.
In truth, DongHae wished that he could wake up to someone like HyukJae could, Daniel was the first thing he sees when he opened his eyes.
He was panting, enjoying the post-coital high he was in, his legs intertwined with DongHae’s. Both of them were trying to get a grip on reality but they continued to just be. DongHae moved closer to him, if it was possible. Their bodies were pressed together, molded perfectly, as if made for each other. DongHae hands were playing with his hair that was damp with sweat.
“I’ll see you soon, right? Promise?” DongHae begged him with that puppy eyes.
“I promise.”
The smile DongHae gave as a reaction to that answer was blinding, he knew that. He simply couldn't control it. “Sing me something.” DongHae begged him, snuggling to his long neck.
He didn’t actually sing but he did hum some random song DongHae felt familiar with. It didn’t matter. Both of them were out within a few minutes.
A few days later, DongHae was at the photoshoot and the stylist were giving him a ruffled button-up shirt. DongHae shook his head, because this felt totally Heechul-ish and just put it on.
“See, I knew you would look good in these!” Heechul appeared out of nowhere and scared the stylist.
“Hyung!” DongHae noted how much his friend had changed. His long hair was gone, but was dyed blonde. His clothes still had a touch of eccentricity and it was just plain Heechul. DongHae hesitated, not knowing if he should hug the man or not but Heechul beat him to it, wrapping his arms around the slightly shorter dongsaeng.
DongHae thought that was the moment that he finally understood Heechul, through a simple hug. He didn’t know how but he just simply did. Heechul then let him, smiled at him (a smile, not a smirk or a snicker) and turned to the stylist, scolding her for being too slow. The stylist, who appeared to be too used to Heechul, just patted Heechul on the shoulder and shooed him away.
The stylist finally deemed him done half and hour later and DongHae was set free.
He was tugging on his blazer when his eyes caught somebody familiar. He swiveled around, desperate and felt the hope, the ‘maybes’ piling up in his chest and he followed the boy. And it was really him.
Those eyes. Cheeks. Lips. Hands. DongHae wasn’t sure what he was feeling, he didn’t know what to do, his brain gave up trying to keep up with all of the emotions bouncing around but his body seemed to be on autopilot because his legs were in a sprint and his hand were already clasped on his, and suddenly they were in a poorly lit broom’s closet (At least DongHae thought that it was a broom’s closet because there were only one broom in that tiny space).
And DongHae was kissing him with everything he had, holding on to him as if The Boy was a lifeline… Name. Oh, yeah. Names.
“I’m DongHae.” He whispered, hands moving up and down The Boy’s back. Real. Real. Real.
“H-Henry.” Didn’t expect an English name. But it was beautiful, unique and fitting. “What are you doing here?”
Here? Where? Oh. Job. Photoshoot. Abandoned building. “I’m one of the models.” Well, he knows something is wrong when both of them are being coherent so he proceeded to unbuckle The B- Henry’s belt.
“F-fifteen minutes- ahh.” That was beautiful, that voice. That sound. Henry’s hands were unbuckling DongHae’s belt and eagerly pushed the pants down. DongHae didn’t care that Heechul would really kill him for ruining the pants.
DongHae smirked, remembering those dreams where they had fifteen minutes. “It’s okay. We’ve done this a few times before.” DongHae leaned in and licked Henry’s ear, a little taste of what’s to come. “We’ll make it in fifteen minutes.” And he kissed those lips again.
“That wasn’t the hair that I agreed on.” Heechul scrutinized DongHae. “But whatever, I guess. As long as it’s hot. Now go.”
DongHae would say that it was his best shoot yet, and he knew a lot of people agreed when they reviewed back the photos.
“You’re glowing.” The photographer, ZhouMi commented, and DongHae couldn’t resist winking at Henry, who shook his head adoringly at him.
Hey, Appa, I bet you’re proud of me right now. I made the ache go away. And I’m not lonely anymore. You were right, everything was going to be okay.
-end-
Yay for the story spinning out of my control./cries.
Hope you guys liked it. I have mixed feelings for it.
comments/concrits/spazzing about them boys are loved. <3