Count On Me
Title: Count On Me
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: HyunJoong/KyuJong, broken!2HJ and other squint and you'll see it couples.
Genre: fluff. angst. a little bit of everything.
Warnings: Unbeta-ed. Slow story progression. my crappy writing.
DIsclaimer: i owned them, i wouldn't share. XP
Dedicated to kitkii lol, idk ur real name(OMFG!!! I am so so so sorry but I have legitimate reasons! I SWEAR!!! Maybe you should scroll down to see them. I am so sorry I epically fail at this. T.T i understand if you don't like it. You don't have to pretend you like this, i certainly don't) but anyway, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! Thank you so much.
When I woke up, I thought everything was just a nightmare. I thought I was back home in Busan, where the sun shines and my life was a total suburb-ish yuckiness. I thought it was just another day in my very normal life.
But when I opened my eyes and saw an unfamiliar room, everything made of white, I thought I had somehow died and went to a Stepford Wives Hell. It took me a moment to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and everything so far was really real. Every bit and piece of it.
When it all sunk in, I didn’t want to get up. I reached for my pillow and covered my face with it, letting my tears soaking both the mattress and the pillow, forgetting my resolution to not cry ever again. Does it matter? I don’t think crying, or not crying mattered. Nothing matters.
I hate my life.
***
I finally got up when mom called for dinner. I was inside that white room for the whole day. I ate neither breakfast nor lunch, I had a feeling if I did, it would end up in the toilet bowl anyway.
My mother and I set up the table in silence, I wasn’t in the mood to talk, I was still getting used to the silence where there is a lack of my father’s rumbling laughter and booming voice. I used to set up three plates, now there’s just two. Our kitchen used to be bigger, painted faded blue. Our home was old, but that was the charm. Now, this house, which is yet a home, was white. The owner must have had a weird fetish, because every single room, every single wall was so white, it was creepy. It felt impersonal and lonely.
When we both sat down for dinner, facing each other, she gave me a weak smile, I returned the favor and we just ate.
My heart clenched as I avoided thinking about my father.
He’s not here anymore. He’s not here anymore.
***
“Class, this is Kim KyuJong, obviously he’s new. Be nice.” The teacher stared unwaveringly at a certain group of boys; it was easy to identify them as a group when they have the similar mischievous and cheeky grins. “No pranks.”
They smiled angelically, to which the teacher rolled his eyes at and turned to me, “take a seat beside YoungSaeng-ssi, both of you should get along well.” After that, I knew I was dismissed. ‘YoungSaeng’ waved at me lazily, beside him was an empty seat. I sat down quietly and took out my books. The guy in front of me turned around and gave me a bright grin that hurts my eyes.
“Hi, I’m HyungJun.” The gummy warm grin was a little bit comforting; something inside me sort of decided that Seoul wasn’t a total disaster.
“KyuJong, hi.”
“That’s YoungSaeng-hyung. He’s just quiet, but he’s not mean, so don’t worry, he’s really nice. He’s also quite smart. That one,” HyungJun pointed to an orange-haired boy who was sleeping face-down next to him in a somewhat bored and long-suffering kind of tone, “is HyunJoong-hyung. He’s nice too. A bit weird at first, but you get used to it eventually.” He shrugged. Then pointed towards the general direction of the group of cheeky-grinned boys, “They’re mischievous, like to play pranks, but they are nice too, to an extent. JungMin-hyung is a great friend of mine,” he pointed to a dark haired individual, chattering noisily with a too-pretty boy, I had to squint to make sure he was a male. “Heechul-hyung is probably the worst of them all, but he never bullies the weak. He’s somewhat nice, somewhat. ChangMin and KyuHyun is a little bit snarky but they’re okay too. You don’t have to be afraid of them, just ignore them in general. Except JungMin-hyung and Heechul-hyung, they don’t like being ignored much.”
“I think, what HyungJun-ah was trying to say was all of us are pretty okay kids, just eccentric, you don’t have to afraid, you’ll fit in just fine.” YoungSaeng rolled his eyes, but he did not say that unkindly.
And so that was how I was immediately accepted in the school, all thanks to the very well-connected HyungJun, kind-and-nice YoungSaeng and the sleeping HyunJoong, who was woken up by the teacher yelling to JungMin who laughed too loud.
The teacher looked so close to breaking down as his yelling spurred JungMin and Heechul to talk louder. HyunJoong rubbed his eyes blearily and scowled at the general direction of JungMin. He threw something at the boy, it hit JungMin lightly on the chest. There was a moment of silence in which JungMin stood up to see who did that, HyunJoong simply waved non-chalantly. I expected some form of explosion from the noisy boy but well... Nothing. He just smiled apologetically. I blinked at that.
"Sorry, hyung." JungMin apologised. Well, that's not something you see everyday, to me that is. It seemed like it was something everyone saw everyday as they all shrugged it off and continued on with their own business.
HyunJoong too shrugged and went back to sleep. HyungJun rolled his eyes again then started to pay attention in class. The class was considerably quieter. Considerably.
As nice as they were, I was too deep inside my shell, I wasn't ready to open up and let them in, but I wasn't raised to be rude, so I just nodded to whatever HyungJun said, whatever comment YoungSaeng inserted and just ignored HyunJoong in general mostly because I felt like both of us lived on a different plane of existence. He's probably from Mars. Probably, not really sure, but it was a possibility from the random comments he offered.
When we sat down for lunch. HyunJoong looked at me for a straight five minutes and said in a voice full of wonder: “I don’t know you. Who are you?”
Which earned a sigh from YoungSaeng and HyungJun. Apparently it took him that look to realize we didn’t know each other. “This is KyuJong, hyung. He’s new, today is his first day.” HyungJun said, then gave him a look, “Where’s your lunch?”
HyunJoong blinked and looked at the table. “Oh, I forgot.” Then he got up from the table to buy something. Is he for real?
But what did surprised me when HyunJoong and HyungJun had to part ways, they kissed. I blinked. Oh, boys don't do that back home. That was new.
Nobody batted an eyelash, I figured I shouldn't either.
YoungSaeng rolled his eyes again, he seemed to do that a lot, but mostly out of affection, “how much sappier could you guys get?” but it was a rhetorical question, so nobody bothered to answer.
“Uhmmm, is he okay?” My eyes trailed towards the pretty orange-haired boy who was now nodding to whatever another doe-eyed pretty boy was saying to him.
“He’s okay. Just a little bit too much in his own world. He’s not that extreme usually but he’s like that when he’s tired or didn’t get enough sleep” YoungSaeng assured me. “Like HyungJun said, you’ll get used to it eventually.”
Well, I hope so. I’m starting to get worried about his mental health and I don’t even know the guy.
During lunch, I discovered HyungJun could be a spy. He extracted information out of me with skills that the Russian mob would envy while YoungSaeng and HyunJoong just listened.
I don't know why, but with a sincere smile from YoungSaeng and a gentle x-ray look from HyungJun and the straight-faced stare from HyunJoong, I basically told them my life story. About my life in Busan, the tragedy that happened to my family and my mother’s hopes of starting anew. When it all ended, I blinked and wondered what the Hell have I done?
What the hell happened to ‘too deep inside my shell’ and all that emo garbage I was in?
"I'm free this weekend, what about you, hyung?" HyungJun turned to HyunJoong and YoungSaeng all of the sudden, my head spun from the sudden change of topic. YoungSaeng appeared to have gotten used to HyungJun's habits and said yes, I'm free... Why?
It was unspoken of how HyunJoong didn’t need to be asked. They were a package deal.
"That's settled then, we're coming by your house this weekend to help you unpack and paint your house.”
Wait… what?
***
My mother was the epitome of sunshine that weekend. She even cooed - cooed - at how fast her darling son made friends. I wanted to sulk, because I couldn’t believe how fast these loons worked their way into my heart. They told my mother to trust them and shooed her out of the house. She announced happily she’s going to a salon. A salon, my mom never goes to a salon. Oh, well, new place, new school, new neighbourhood. Some changes were to be expected I guess. I liked the way that her smile lit up her face, so very different from her half-hearted ones, so I guess a kind of change would do her good.
But the fact that these people just walked into my home and my heart like they belonged there ruffled my feathers. Especially HyunJoong.
Oh, yeah, HyunJoong. He was a little bit lot weird at first, like HyungJun said, but in general he was an easy person to get along with. He had an easy smile and at times, just so full of… well, fail, for lack of better term. He suggested a certain questionable shade of green for the living room, in which we all looked at him for thirty seconds of silence then proceeded to ignore that suggestion. I was worried that he took it the wrong way, so I explained that shade of green wasn’t actually the ideal colour for a place for people to gather and watch TV or do gathering thingies. He smiled like he was touched that I even bothered and my heart skipped a beat or two.
There was one part where we discovered that there was not enough paint for the living room, HyungJun dragged YoungSaeng and JungMin - I was quite shocked to see him on my doorstep, I was keeping my eye on the guy just in case he wanted to try anything funny - to the DIY store.
There was only HyunJoong and I in the bare living room; only half of the walls were painted. Cream was a good colour. I’d have to thank JungMin for that. Who would’ve thought?
HyunJoong started to look around and I saw his eyes fell upon a particular picture of my family. All three of us.
I prayed for him to not say anything. There’s a hole in my universe where my dad used to fill with his warm smile and hardworking soul. But HyunJoong spoke anyway.
“Y’know, when my favourite uncle died when I was twelve, I spent a week in my room. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, my mom had to bring food into my room and persuade me to eat. I just couldn’t accept that he was gone forever, but my mom told me something that I would remember forever.” HyunJoong turned his head to me, with his straight-faced stare and I wondered what he wanted to say, maybe something endearingly 4D. “She said nobody ever really dies.”
Uhmmm… what?
His face turned red and he hurried to explain, “Because… uhm… she said that if you, um, love someone you give a piece your heart to that someone and uh, so basically that person can never really be gone because - because a part of him is still with you even if he is dead… oh, god, I’m going to shut up now.” His face is red from embarrassment, and he tried to hide it by looking the other way. Throughout the rambling, I wondered where did the charismatic, calm and 4D HyunJoong went and who was this endearing stuttering idiot. It made me want to do things to him, things that I never really thought about.
Instead I threw back my head and laughed. HyunJoong looked at me, a little offended until he realized that I wasn’t laughing at him then he joined me in laughing at nothing in particular.
This was nice.
It took us all day. HyunJoong had to leave early because of work. One by one filtered out, tired and just ready for a shower and then to crash. They even promised - I insisted that I could finish up by myself but they ignored me, they seem to be really good at that - to meet up here at eight, I wondered what kind of teenage boy wakes up at eight on a Sunday morning, but I was distracted by my BO and hurried to the shower.
Strangely, a red-faced stuttering HyunJoong was all I could think of. That and his words.
Nobody ever really dies. It’s so naïve and simple, it made me feel… lighter as I stared at a picture of my father. I set it down carefully and went to bed smiling about my idiotic friends. And HyunJoong.
Oh, yeah. HyunJoong.
***
I woke up next morning just when the sun showed up from a nightmare in which HyungJun was crying a river about me stealing his boyfriend. No, seriously, a river. There were fishes and other living organisms and all that.
So I have a crush on HyunJoong and it was not okay because he’s someone else’s boyfriend and that happened to be HyungJun who had a cheerful gummy smile and a kind soul. So today, I announce that I will stay as far away from HyunJoong. Period.
Unfortunately the period became a comma because out of nowhere out came a tail as the day went on.
Today HyungJun dragged his brother, KiBum who was sulking about how he could spend the day with his lovely PS3, but immediately cheered up at the possibility of a new game. JungMin brought Heechul - who instantly charmed my mother and smooth-talked her into doing some grocery shopping together - YoungSaeng brought along a guy called Siwon. I wasn’t sure if it was Shiwon or Siwon but the guys called him Shisus. I didn’t get it. When I asked Si/Shiwon refused to elaborate and kept changing the topic. I figured that I didn’t want to know anyway judging by the way they were sniggering. When HyunJoong showed up an hour late, all (adorably) bleary eyed with a bag of ramen for ‘breakfast’. The guys dropped everything they were doing for the sake of second breakfast.
I evaded HyunJoong in general, but it was amazing eventhough the apartment was packed with people, I still ended up alone with him or sitting beside him or within one meter apart from each other.
Like, now, for example. HyunJoong and I are the only one in my room, painting my room a calming shade of blue. I wanted to appreciate how the blue changed the environment but all I could think was HyunJoong had a real nice body. That thought was followed by an image of HyungJun crying a river. Seriously, a river. I couldn’t stress that part out enough.
Oh, by the way, HyunJoong was completely sane. Just saying. Not that I doubted that fact before. No. Never.
“Listen, uh, about yesterday…” HyunJoong broke the (heavy, but I’m in denial, because really, why would it be heavy?) silence, face slightly red and the want to just do something to him, with him came back uninvited. “What I said, j-just forget about it, okay? I was twelve and it made sense to me but like a lot of people pointed out, my way of thinking doesn’t really make sense to everyone else and I just really like knowing that someone I love won’t really be gone forever despite the fact that -“
“HyunJoong-hyung? Breathe.” I interrupted him, and was willing away the urge to just push him up the wall and discover how beautiful he would look with wet blue paint on him - okay, stop. “It’s okay. I get it.” I smiled and hoped it would convey the infinite warmth he made me feel inside.
Thing was, I really do get it. In such a short time, that big hole in my universe was slowly being filled by crazy and eccentric classmates and yes, HyunJoong. I don’t know why HyunJoong was a category all on his own and I wasn’t ready to delve any deeper on that matter.
He nodded and we continued painting my room in a cheery silence. I don’t know how cheery silence existed but with HyunJoong, it felt like anything is possible.
At the end of the day, everyone went home. Except for HyungJun and KiBum. What happened next was probably the weirdest thing that happened to me all week (and that was saying something).
HyungJun looked at me. I meant that he really looked at me. He looked at me and I felt naked under the gentle scrutiny. I could feel as if he really was studying my soul, staring at the details, the scars, and there really was nothing I could do to stop him. I felt so vulnerable. Then, as if he was satisfied with what he saw, he suddenly broke into a soft and a heartbreakingly sad smile as if he really didn’t just x-ray-visioned me. “Take care of him, okay?”
Take care of who now?
But I couldn’t really ask because KiBum interrupted us, dragging HyungJun away, demanding that he fulfill his promise to buy him a new game. That was odd.
It was later that night when I was on a verge to sleep that it occurred to me that he might be talking about HyunJoong. But that was stupid, judging by the way their relationship was going, they were in a cloud nine. It was stupid but I had a sinking feeling. A really weird, not really good, Titanic kind of sinking feeling.
***
The next day, the Double HJ couple (that’s what the whole school called them), didn’t show up. Heechul were snickering about how they were ‘busy’, in which Shi/Siwon (I didn’t realize we were classmates, how I didn’t was beyond me.) reacted by leaning away from him. Strangely, strangely, JungMin was… quieter? That Titanic-sinking-feeling was back. HyungJun already explained to me that if JungMin was quiet, it was either the apocalypse (I was sure he was only exaggerating) or was planning a prank of epic proportions. Either way, it wasn’t good.
The teacher began to roll call but I found it weird that she skipped HyungJun’s name. I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Several hands snapped up faster than mine could.
“Sunsaeng-nim! You forgot HyungJun’s name.” A little blonde girl (really, they allow kids to dye their hair blond now?) with an English name that I didn’t remember.
“No, I didn’t. He’s not a student of this school anymore. I thought you all knew.” She said, pushing up her glasses higher on the bridge of her nose. She was new, so she didn’t get what was the big deal.
If anything that I learned in my short time here in this class was that despite the little cliques, they were all great friends. At least, they were close to HyungJun. The class turned dead silent for a moment or two before it erupted into chaos.
Some of them stood up, demanding an explanation from the teacher, some of them took out their phones and began to rapidly dial HyungJun’s or HyunJoongs’s number. I sat there dumbly, blinking at the chaos around me. Is this for real? Was HyungJun’s presence was such a big deal? Then my eyes landed on a lone figure sitting and staring at his hands quietly.
JungMin. He turned to me; our eyes met and I knew that he already knew. The defeat there made my heart clench in a painful way. HyungJun mattered. He mattered.
***
Right after school that day, YoungSaeng dragged me to HyungJun’s house. At least it used to be his house. There really was no one there, it was as if he and his family magically evaporated into thin air.
The only thing that was waiting for us there was a shoebox. I’m not kidding, a shoebox, filled with letters. They are individually addressed. YoungSaeng dug around and finally found his. I held the shoebox and stared at the contents, pretty fucking sure there was none for me from HyungJun, while YoungSaeng read the letter. He bit his lip and read it with shaking hands. Then I heard him mutter something about HyungJun being a sensitive sappy asshole who didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to their faces.
HyunJoong still couldn’t be contacted.
***
Nobody had seen HyunJoong. He didn’t show up at school for a week. His parents said he was sick, but really, I think they were just covering up for him.
YoungSaeng and I delivered each of the letters, I felt a little bit awkward because they all seem to know him for a while but I was just the new kid that he temporarily took under his wings. The contents of the letters varied, it depended on that person. Heechul apparently had a packet of condoms, I later learned that Heechul bought HyungJun’s first condom (Heechul looked like he cried a little bit, but I wasn’t sure because he spent the next five minutes cursing HyungJun under his breath). JungMin had discount vouchers from the nearest supermarket for carrots. Hara and Jessica had pendants that were supposed to mean something that only they knew. Si/Shiwon had a letter of thanks and a picture of both of them volunteering at the local church. There were more of them and like I said, it varied.
After it all emptied out, I noticed there were none for HyunJoong. Maybe HyungJun gave HyunJoong another form of goodbye. I don’t know why, but I felt a little bit betrayed that he didn’t leave something for me. I guess I didn’t leave much of an impression or something.
***
There was an insistent knocking on my front door. I opened it and there was HyunJoong, looking frail, tired and might be on the verge of a breakdown. He walked in uninvited and sat on the couch, immediately got up and went to my room and sat on my bed.
“I don’t know why I’m here, but you’re the first person I thought of and - and - I just - he’s gone. He didn’t even tell me anything. I didn’t - couldn’t even - he’s just gone. Just like that. I looked - I don’t even know where he had gone and - I didn’t see it coming. I thought we were doing good - he’s just gone.” He didn’t actually cry but I would prefer it if he actually did. He’s rambling and I don’t know what to do except maybe curse HyungJun a little. HyunJoong’s hands were shaking and without thinking about it, I held it. He squeezed my hand like his life depended on it. It felt that way to me.
He spent the night on my bed. I slept on the floor. The next morning I dragged HyunJoong out of bed and shoved my spare school uniform on him and forced him to come to school with me. I never realized how fragile HyunJoong was. Right now, he needed his friends and I’m pretty sure that everyone was worried about him. Some of the crueler students were taking bets if he committed suicide yet. When JungMin and Heechul found out, those students were beaten up. Nobody actually sympathized them and some of them even provided alibi for those who were involved. Served them right.
HyunJoong looked a little lost, like a lost tourist who was trying to read the signboards in a language he absolutely didn’t know. People patted him on the shoulder, gave him words of encouragement. Some people might even assume that somebody died by the way that his friends were acting. But really, if you look at HyunJoong, somebody as well might.
Take care of him, okay?
***
It took a while to get HyunJoong back on his feet. I helped as much as I could. And sometimes if HyunJoong couldn’t take the loneliness anymore, he would just show up where I work part-time to help or just at my doorstep, I don’t know if I liked that these visits were getting less and less. There were times that I have to remind him to eat and when I watched him eat ramen like it was the best thing ever, I realized that I love him. Oh, crap.
***
Three months passed, HyunJoong showed up at the bookstore I work part-time to drag me into the storeroom to tell me:
“I love you, KyuJong.” He whispered, eyes brighter than I’ve seen them.
Isn’t this a little bit too soon? What if I was a rebound? And this is going to sink down like a freaking Titanic and everything going down in ashes-
And his lips are so soft.
***
Three months. We had been dating for three months. It’s been seven months since HyungJun left. We were happy. But I do have my insecurities, like HyunJoong could realize that would never measure up to HyungJun and just leave me.
What made the insecurities worse was one rainy afternoon, HyunJoong was probably asleep in his house and my mother was out working, HyungJun called.
I spent about three minutes calling him a selfish asshole and other things equally colourful. He took it like a man.
“How’s everyone?” he asked once I was done. His voice was quiet and I realized that I sort of missed his gummy smile.
“Everyone’s fine.”
“How’s HyunJoong?”
“He’s fine.”
“Good.”
“So where are you?”
“…Australia.”
If I was drinking, I would be spraying the counter. But I wasn’t, thankfully.
“W-What?”
“You heard me, I’m in Australia.”
“Are you okay? Everyone in your end alive?” I asked.
“Mom’s fine. KiBum’s fine. He has a new boyfriend now. Alexander… or something. We have yet to meet. How are you?”
“I’m fine… I’m uh… dating HyunJoong.” I had to tell him, I suck at lying and keeping secrets. I waited for the exclamation of betrayal or something, but there was nothing. Instead, he said:
“Oh, I know.” I could feel him shrug on the other end. Wait, what? “I sort of had a hunch. I was hoping for that actually.”
“What? HyungJun, what are you talking about?” Maybe Australia did something to HyungJun’s brain or something…?
He didn’t answer, but I could feel him x-raying me again, eventhough it was on the phone. I felt so vulnerable.
“Take care of him, okay? He needs somebody to anchor him down. He’s strong, but he just needs somebody to look after him… I hope both of you last until you guys are old and have grandkids ‘cause you guys look the type… bye KyuJong, I won’t disturb you anymore.” And he hung up.
True to his word, I never heard from him ever again.
***
I have to tell him, but there was never a right time. Not when we were having dinner. Not when we were jogging around the block. Definitely not at school. Not when I had my legs around him, kissing him fervently.
Finally, I couldn’t hold it anymore and just burst out, “HyungJun called me,” when we were sprawled on his bed, his parents on a ‘date night’.
I bit my lower lip, thinking stupid stupid stupid. He had yet to say anything, so before he could I started explaining in full detail how the conversation went. When I finished, he still didn’t say anything.
Oh, god, he’s going to book a flight to Australia and leave me…
“Oh, well.” He sighed out. He shifted so he could take a good look at me. His grin was impossibly wide, then he probably saw the insecurities there in my eyes and that grin turned into a soft smile. “He did always know what was best for me.”
There’s something lodged up in my throat. I didn’t cry but I did kiss him whispering ‘I love you’s to his neck as he ran his fingers through my hair.
And we had mindblowing sex.
- end-
Author's note: I might be going for a temporary hiatus.
Recently my mom just had her third chemotherapy, she's still a little bit shaky, so i was busy taking care of her so i didn't have the time to write this. I am so so sorry!! T.T
Internet had been slow since the earthquake. I don't know why or it's just a co-incidence because now it takes me 30 min to load a 10 min vid. very depressing
Until, then, i hope all of you stay safe and let's all pray for Japan, okay?
Fandom: SS501
Pairing: HyunJoong/KyuJong, broken!2HJ and other squint and you'll see it couples.
Genre: fluff. angst. a little bit of everything.
Warnings: Unbeta-ed. Slow story progression. my crappy writing.
DIsclaimer: i owned them, i wouldn't share. XP
Dedicated to kitkii lol, idk ur real name(OMFG!!! I am so so so sorry but I have legitimate reasons! I SWEAR!!! Maybe you should scroll down to see them. I am so sorry I epically fail at this. T.T i understand if you don't like it. You don't have to pretend you like this, i certainly don't) but anyway, HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY! Thank you so much.
When I woke up, I thought everything was just a nightmare. I thought I was back home in Busan, where the sun shines and my life was a total suburb-ish yuckiness. I thought it was just another day in my very normal life.
But when I opened my eyes and saw an unfamiliar room, everything made of white, I thought I had somehow died and went to a Stepford Wives Hell. It took me a moment to make sure I wasn’t dreaming and everything so far was really real. Every bit and piece of it.
When it all sunk in, I didn’t want to get up. I reached for my pillow and covered my face with it, letting my tears soaking both the mattress and the pillow, forgetting my resolution to not cry ever again. Does it matter? I don’t think crying, or not crying mattered. Nothing matters.
I hate my life.
***
I finally got up when mom called for dinner. I was inside that white room for the whole day. I ate neither breakfast nor lunch, I had a feeling if I did, it would end up in the toilet bowl anyway.
My mother and I set up the table in silence, I wasn’t in the mood to talk, I was still getting used to the silence where there is a lack of my father’s rumbling laughter and booming voice. I used to set up three plates, now there’s just two. Our kitchen used to be bigger, painted faded blue. Our home was old, but that was the charm. Now, this house, which is yet a home, was white. The owner must have had a weird fetish, because every single room, every single wall was so white, it was creepy. It felt impersonal and lonely.
When we both sat down for dinner, facing each other, she gave me a weak smile, I returned the favor and we just ate.
My heart clenched as I avoided thinking about my father.
He’s not here anymore. He’s not here anymore.
***
“Class, this is Kim KyuJong, obviously he’s new. Be nice.” The teacher stared unwaveringly at a certain group of boys; it was easy to identify them as a group when they have the similar mischievous and cheeky grins. “No pranks.”
They smiled angelically, to which the teacher rolled his eyes at and turned to me, “take a seat beside YoungSaeng-ssi, both of you should get along well.” After that, I knew I was dismissed. ‘YoungSaeng’ waved at me lazily, beside him was an empty seat. I sat down quietly and took out my books. The guy in front of me turned around and gave me a bright grin that hurts my eyes.
“Hi, I’m HyungJun.” The gummy warm grin was a little bit comforting; something inside me sort of decided that Seoul wasn’t a total disaster.
“KyuJong, hi.”
“That’s YoungSaeng-hyung. He’s just quiet, but he’s not mean, so don’t worry, he’s really nice. He’s also quite smart. That one,” HyungJun pointed to an orange-haired boy who was sleeping face-down next to him in a somewhat bored and long-suffering kind of tone, “is HyunJoong-hyung. He’s nice too. A bit weird at first, but you get used to it eventually.” He shrugged. Then pointed towards the general direction of the group of cheeky-grinned boys, “They’re mischievous, like to play pranks, but they are nice too, to an extent. JungMin-hyung is a great friend of mine,” he pointed to a dark haired individual, chattering noisily with a too-pretty boy, I had to squint to make sure he was a male. “Heechul-hyung is probably the worst of them all, but he never bullies the weak. He’s somewhat nice, somewhat. ChangMin and KyuHyun is a little bit snarky but they’re okay too. You don’t have to be afraid of them, just ignore them in general. Except JungMin-hyung and Heechul-hyung, they don’t like being ignored much.”
“I think, what HyungJun-ah was trying to say was all of us are pretty okay kids, just eccentric, you don’t have to afraid, you’ll fit in just fine.” YoungSaeng rolled his eyes, but he did not say that unkindly.
And so that was how I was immediately accepted in the school, all thanks to the very well-connected HyungJun, kind-and-nice YoungSaeng and the sleeping HyunJoong, who was woken up by the teacher yelling to JungMin who laughed too loud.
The teacher looked so close to breaking down as his yelling spurred JungMin and Heechul to talk louder. HyunJoong rubbed his eyes blearily and scowled at the general direction of JungMin. He threw something at the boy, it hit JungMin lightly on the chest. There was a moment of silence in which JungMin stood up to see who did that, HyunJoong simply waved non-chalantly. I expected some form of explosion from the noisy boy but well... Nothing. He just smiled apologetically. I blinked at that.
"Sorry, hyung." JungMin apologised. Well, that's not something you see everyday, to me that is. It seemed like it was something everyone saw everyday as they all shrugged it off and continued on with their own business.
HyunJoong too shrugged and went back to sleep. HyungJun rolled his eyes again then started to pay attention in class. The class was considerably quieter. Considerably.
As nice as they were, I was too deep inside my shell, I wasn't ready to open up and let them in, but I wasn't raised to be rude, so I just nodded to whatever HyungJun said, whatever comment YoungSaeng inserted and just ignored HyunJoong in general mostly because I felt like both of us lived on a different plane of existence. He's probably from Mars. Probably, not really sure, but it was a possibility from the random comments he offered.
When we sat down for lunch. HyunJoong looked at me for a straight five minutes and said in a voice full of wonder: “I don’t know you. Who are you?”
Which earned a sigh from YoungSaeng and HyungJun. Apparently it took him that look to realize we didn’t know each other. “This is KyuJong, hyung. He’s new, today is his first day.” HyungJun said, then gave him a look, “Where’s your lunch?”
HyunJoong blinked and looked at the table. “Oh, I forgot.” Then he got up from the table to buy something. Is he for real?
But what did surprised me when HyunJoong and HyungJun had to part ways, they kissed. I blinked. Oh, boys don't do that back home. That was new.
Nobody batted an eyelash, I figured I shouldn't either.
YoungSaeng rolled his eyes again, he seemed to do that a lot, but mostly out of affection, “how much sappier could you guys get?” but it was a rhetorical question, so nobody bothered to answer.
“Uhmmm, is he okay?” My eyes trailed towards the pretty orange-haired boy who was now nodding to whatever another doe-eyed pretty boy was saying to him.
“He’s okay. Just a little bit too much in his own world. He’s not that extreme usually but he’s like that when he’s tired or didn’t get enough sleep” YoungSaeng assured me. “Like HyungJun said, you’ll get used to it eventually.”
Well, I hope so. I’m starting to get worried about his mental health and I don’t even know the guy.
During lunch, I discovered HyungJun could be a spy. He extracted information out of me with skills that the Russian mob would envy while YoungSaeng and HyunJoong just listened.
I don't know why, but with a sincere smile from YoungSaeng and a gentle x-ray look from HyungJun and the straight-faced stare from HyunJoong, I basically told them my life story. About my life in Busan, the tragedy that happened to my family and my mother’s hopes of starting anew. When it all ended, I blinked and wondered what the Hell have I done?
What the hell happened to ‘too deep inside my shell’ and all that emo garbage I was in?
"I'm free this weekend, what about you, hyung?" HyungJun turned to HyunJoong and YoungSaeng all of the sudden, my head spun from the sudden change of topic. YoungSaeng appeared to have gotten used to HyungJun's habits and said yes, I'm free... Why?
It was unspoken of how HyunJoong didn’t need to be asked. They were a package deal.
"That's settled then, we're coming by your house this weekend to help you unpack and paint your house.”
Wait… what?
***
My mother was the epitome of sunshine that weekend. She even cooed - cooed - at how fast her darling son made friends. I wanted to sulk, because I couldn’t believe how fast these loons worked their way into my heart. They told my mother to trust them and shooed her out of the house. She announced happily she’s going to a salon. A salon, my mom never goes to a salon. Oh, well, new place, new school, new neighbourhood. Some changes were to be expected I guess. I liked the way that her smile lit up her face, so very different from her half-hearted ones, so I guess a kind of change would do her good.
But the fact that these people just walked into my home and my heart like they belonged there ruffled my feathers. Especially HyunJoong.
Oh, yeah, HyunJoong. He was a little bit lot weird at first, like HyungJun said, but in general he was an easy person to get along with. He had an easy smile and at times, just so full of… well, fail, for lack of better term. He suggested a certain questionable shade of green for the living room, in which we all looked at him for thirty seconds of silence then proceeded to ignore that suggestion. I was worried that he took it the wrong way, so I explained that shade of green wasn’t actually the ideal colour for a place for people to gather and watch TV or do gathering thingies. He smiled like he was touched that I even bothered and my heart skipped a beat or two.
There was one part where we discovered that there was not enough paint for the living room, HyungJun dragged YoungSaeng and JungMin - I was quite shocked to see him on my doorstep, I was keeping my eye on the guy just in case he wanted to try anything funny - to the DIY store.
There was only HyunJoong and I in the bare living room; only half of the walls were painted. Cream was a good colour. I’d have to thank JungMin for that. Who would’ve thought?
HyunJoong started to look around and I saw his eyes fell upon a particular picture of my family. All three of us.
I prayed for him to not say anything. There’s a hole in my universe where my dad used to fill with his warm smile and hardworking soul. But HyunJoong spoke anyway.
“Y’know, when my favourite uncle died when I was twelve, I spent a week in my room. I wouldn’t talk to anyone, my mom had to bring food into my room and persuade me to eat. I just couldn’t accept that he was gone forever, but my mom told me something that I would remember forever.” HyunJoong turned his head to me, with his straight-faced stare and I wondered what he wanted to say, maybe something endearingly 4D. “She said nobody ever really dies.”
Uhmmm… what?
His face turned red and he hurried to explain, “Because… uhm… she said that if you, um, love someone you give a piece your heart to that someone and uh, so basically that person can never really be gone because - because a part of him is still with you even if he is dead… oh, god, I’m going to shut up now.” His face is red from embarrassment, and he tried to hide it by looking the other way. Throughout the rambling, I wondered where did the charismatic, calm and 4D HyunJoong went and who was this endearing stuttering idiot. It made me want to do things to him, things that I never really thought about.
Instead I threw back my head and laughed. HyunJoong looked at me, a little offended until he realized that I wasn’t laughing at him then he joined me in laughing at nothing in particular.
This was nice.
It took us all day. HyunJoong had to leave early because of work. One by one filtered out, tired and just ready for a shower and then to crash. They even promised - I insisted that I could finish up by myself but they ignored me, they seem to be really good at that - to meet up here at eight, I wondered what kind of teenage boy wakes up at eight on a Sunday morning, but I was distracted by my BO and hurried to the shower.
Strangely, a red-faced stuttering HyunJoong was all I could think of. That and his words.
Nobody ever really dies. It’s so naïve and simple, it made me feel… lighter as I stared at a picture of my father. I set it down carefully and went to bed smiling about my idiotic friends. And HyunJoong.
Oh, yeah. HyunJoong.
***
I woke up next morning just when the sun showed up from a nightmare in which HyungJun was crying a river about me stealing his boyfriend. No, seriously, a river. There were fishes and other living organisms and all that.
So I have a crush on HyunJoong and it was not okay because he’s someone else’s boyfriend and that happened to be HyungJun who had a cheerful gummy smile and a kind soul. So today, I announce that I will stay as far away from HyunJoong. Period.
Unfortunately the period became a comma because out of nowhere out came a tail as the day went on.
Today HyungJun dragged his brother, KiBum who was sulking about how he could spend the day with his lovely PS3, but immediately cheered up at the possibility of a new game. JungMin brought Heechul - who instantly charmed my mother and smooth-talked her into doing some grocery shopping together - YoungSaeng brought along a guy called Siwon. I wasn’t sure if it was Shiwon or Siwon but the guys called him Shisus. I didn’t get it. When I asked Si/Shiwon refused to elaborate and kept changing the topic. I figured that I didn’t want to know anyway judging by the way they were sniggering. When HyunJoong showed up an hour late, all (adorably) bleary eyed with a bag of ramen for ‘breakfast’. The guys dropped everything they were doing for the sake of second breakfast.
I evaded HyunJoong in general, but it was amazing eventhough the apartment was packed with people, I still ended up alone with him or sitting beside him or within one meter apart from each other.
Like, now, for example. HyunJoong and I are the only one in my room, painting my room a calming shade of blue. I wanted to appreciate how the blue changed the environment but all I could think was HyunJoong had a real nice body. That thought was followed by an image of HyungJun crying a river. Seriously, a river. I couldn’t stress that part out enough.
Oh, by the way, HyunJoong was completely sane. Just saying. Not that I doubted that fact before. No. Never.
“Listen, uh, about yesterday…” HyunJoong broke the (heavy, but I’m in denial, because really, why would it be heavy?) silence, face slightly red and the want to just do something to him, with him came back uninvited. “What I said, j-just forget about it, okay? I was twelve and it made sense to me but like a lot of people pointed out, my way of thinking doesn’t really make sense to everyone else and I just really like knowing that someone I love won’t really be gone forever despite the fact that -“
“HyunJoong-hyung? Breathe.” I interrupted him, and was willing away the urge to just push him up the wall and discover how beautiful he would look with wet blue paint on him - okay, stop. “It’s okay. I get it.” I smiled and hoped it would convey the infinite warmth he made me feel inside.
Thing was, I really do get it. In such a short time, that big hole in my universe was slowly being filled by crazy and eccentric classmates and yes, HyunJoong. I don’t know why HyunJoong was a category all on his own and I wasn’t ready to delve any deeper on that matter.
He nodded and we continued painting my room in a cheery silence. I don’t know how cheery silence existed but with HyunJoong, it felt like anything is possible.
At the end of the day, everyone went home. Except for HyungJun and KiBum. What happened next was probably the weirdest thing that happened to me all week (and that was saying something).
HyungJun looked at me. I meant that he really looked at me. He looked at me and I felt naked under the gentle scrutiny. I could feel as if he really was studying my soul, staring at the details, the scars, and there really was nothing I could do to stop him. I felt so vulnerable. Then, as if he was satisfied with what he saw, he suddenly broke into a soft and a heartbreakingly sad smile as if he really didn’t just x-ray-visioned me. “Take care of him, okay?”
Take care of who now?
But I couldn’t really ask because KiBum interrupted us, dragging HyungJun away, demanding that he fulfill his promise to buy him a new game. That was odd.
It was later that night when I was on a verge to sleep that it occurred to me that he might be talking about HyunJoong. But that was stupid, judging by the way their relationship was going, they were in a cloud nine. It was stupid but I had a sinking feeling. A really weird, not really good, Titanic kind of sinking feeling.
***
The next day, the Double HJ couple (that’s what the whole school called them), didn’t show up. Heechul were snickering about how they were ‘busy’, in which Shi/Siwon (I didn’t realize we were classmates, how I didn’t was beyond me.) reacted by leaning away from him. Strangely, strangely, JungMin was… quieter? That Titanic-sinking-feeling was back. HyungJun already explained to me that if JungMin was quiet, it was either the apocalypse (I was sure he was only exaggerating) or was planning a prank of epic proportions. Either way, it wasn’t good.
The teacher began to roll call but I found it weird that she skipped HyungJun’s name. I wasn’t the only one who noticed. Several hands snapped up faster than mine could.
“Sunsaeng-nim! You forgot HyungJun’s name.” A little blonde girl (really, they allow kids to dye their hair blond now?) with an English name that I didn’t remember.
“No, I didn’t. He’s not a student of this school anymore. I thought you all knew.” She said, pushing up her glasses higher on the bridge of her nose. She was new, so she didn’t get what was the big deal.
If anything that I learned in my short time here in this class was that despite the little cliques, they were all great friends. At least, they were close to HyungJun. The class turned dead silent for a moment or two before it erupted into chaos.
Some of them stood up, demanding an explanation from the teacher, some of them took out their phones and began to rapidly dial HyungJun’s or HyunJoongs’s number. I sat there dumbly, blinking at the chaos around me. Is this for real? Was HyungJun’s presence was such a big deal? Then my eyes landed on a lone figure sitting and staring at his hands quietly.
JungMin. He turned to me; our eyes met and I knew that he already knew. The defeat there made my heart clench in a painful way. HyungJun mattered. He mattered.
***
Right after school that day, YoungSaeng dragged me to HyungJun’s house. At least it used to be his house. There really was no one there, it was as if he and his family magically evaporated into thin air.
The only thing that was waiting for us there was a shoebox. I’m not kidding, a shoebox, filled with letters. They are individually addressed. YoungSaeng dug around and finally found his. I held the shoebox and stared at the contents, pretty fucking sure there was none for me from HyungJun, while YoungSaeng read the letter. He bit his lip and read it with shaking hands. Then I heard him mutter something about HyungJun being a sensitive sappy asshole who didn’t have the guts to say goodbye to their faces.
HyunJoong still couldn’t be contacted.
***
Nobody had seen HyunJoong. He didn’t show up at school for a week. His parents said he was sick, but really, I think they were just covering up for him.
YoungSaeng and I delivered each of the letters, I felt a little bit awkward because they all seem to know him for a while but I was just the new kid that he temporarily took under his wings. The contents of the letters varied, it depended on that person. Heechul apparently had a packet of condoms, I later learned that Heechul bought HyungJun’s first condom (Heechul looked like he cried a little bit, but I wasn’t sure because he spent the next five minutes cursing HyungJun under his breath). JungMin had discount vouchers from the nearest supermarket for carrots. Hara and Jessica had pendants that were supposed to mean something that only they knew. Si/Shiwon had a letter of thanks and a picture of both of them volunteering at the local church. There were more of them and like I said, it varied.
After it all emptied out, I noticed there were none for HyunJoong. Maybe HyungJun gave HyunJoong another form of goodbye. I don’t know why, but I felt a little bit betrayed that he didn’t leave something for me. I guess I didn’t leave much of an impression or something.
***
There was an insistent knocking on my front door. I opened it and there was HyunJoong, looking frail, tired and might be on the verge of a breakdown. He walked in uninvited and sat on the couch, immediately got up and went to my room and sat on my bed.
“I don’t know why I’m here, but you’re the first person I thought of and - and - I just - he’s gone. He didn’t even tell me anything. I didn’t - couldn’t even - he’s just gone. Just like that. I looked - I don’t even know where he had gone and - I didn’t see it coming. I thought we were doing good - he’s just gone.” He didn’t actually cry but I would prefer it if he actually did. He’s rambling and I don’t know what to do except maybe curse HyungJun a little. HyunJoong’s hands were shaking and without thinking about it, I held it. He squeezed my hand like his life depended on it. It felt that way to me.
He spent the night on my bed. I slept on the floor. The next morning I dragged HyunJoong out of bed and shoved my spare school uniform on him and forced him to come to school with me. I never realized how fragile HyunJoong was. Right now, he needed his friends and I’m pretty sure that everyone was worried about him. Some of the crueler students were taking bets if he committed suicide yet. When JungMin and Heechul found out, those students were beaten up. Nobody actually sympathized them and some of them even provided alibi for those who were involved. Served them right.
HyunJoong looked a little lost, like a lost tourist who was trying to read the signboards in a language he absolutely didn’t know. People patted him on the shoulder, gave him words of encouragement. Some people might even assume that somebody died by the way that his friends were acting. But really, if you look at HyunJoong, somebody as well might.
Take care of him, okay?
***
It took a while to get HyunJoong back on his feet. I helped as much as I could. And sometimes if HyunJoong couldn’t take the loneliness anymore, he would just show up where I work part-time to help or just at my doorstep, I don’t know if I liked that these visits were getting less and less. There were times that I have to remind him to eat and when I watched him eat ramen like it was the best thing ever, I realized that I love him. Oh, crap.
***
Three months passed, HyunJoong showed up at the bookstore I work part-time to drag me into the storeroom to tell me:
“I love you, KyuJong.” He whispered, eyes brighter than I’ve seen them.
Isn’t this a little bit too soon? What if I was a rebound? And this is going to sink down like a freaking Titanic and everything going down in ashes-
And his lips are so soft.
***
Three months. We had been dating for three months. It’s been seven months since HyungJun left. We were happy. But I do have my insecurities, like HyunJoong could realize that would never measure up to HyungJun and just leave me.
What made the insecurities worse was one rainy afternoon, HyunJoong was probably asleep in his house and my mother was out working, HyungJun called.
I spent about three minutes calling him a selfish asshole and other things equally colourful. He took it like a man.
“How’s everyone?” he asked once I was done. His voice was quiet and I realized that I sort of missed his gummy smile.
“Everyone’s fine.”
“How’s HyunJoong?”
“He’s fine.”
“Good.”
“So where are you?”
“…Australia.”
If I was drinking, I would be spraying the counter. But I wasn’t, thankfully.
“W-What?”
“You heard me, I’m in Australia.”
“Are you okay? Everyone in your end alive?” I asked.
“Mom’s fine. KiBum’s fine. He has a new boyfriend now. Alexander… or something. We have yet to meet. How are you?”
“I’m fine… I’m uh… dating HyunJoong.” I had to tell him, I suck at lying and keeping secrets. I waited for the exclamation of betrayal or something, but there was nothing. Instead, he said:
“Oh, I know.” I could feel him shrug on the other end. Wait, what? “I sort of had a hunch. I was hoping for that actually.”
“What? HyungJun, what are you talking about?” Maybe Australia did something to HyungJun’s brain or something…?
He didn’t answer, but I could feel him x-raying me again, eventhough it was on the phone. I felt so vulnerable.
“Take care of him, okay? He needs somebody to anchor him down. He’s strong, but he just needs somebody to look after him… I hope both of you last until you guys are old and have grandkids ‘cause you guys look the type… bye KyuJong, I won’t disturb you anymore.” And he hung up.
True to his word, I never heard from him ever again.
***
I have to tell him, but there was never a right time. Not when we were having dinner. Not when we were jogging around the block. Definitely not at school. Not when I had my legs around him, kissing him fervently.
Finally, I couldn’t hold it anymore and just burst out, “HyungJun called me,” when we were sprawled on his bed, his parents on a ‘date night’.
I bit my lower lip, thinking stupid stupid stupid. He had yet to say anything, so before he could I started explaining in full detail how the conversation went. When I finished, he still didn’t say anything.
Oh, god, he’s going to book a flight to Australia and leave me…
“Oh, well.” He sighed out. He shifted so he could take a good look at me. His grin was impossibly wide, then he probably saw the insecurities there in my eyes and that grin turned into a soft smile. “He did always know what was best for me.”
There’s something lodged up in my throat. I didn’t cry but I did kiss him whispering ‘I love you’s to his neck as he ran his fingers through my hair.
And we had mindblowing sex.
- end-
Author's note: I might be going for a temporary hiatus.
Recently my mom just had her third chemotherapy, she's still a little bit shaky, so i was busy taking care of her so i didn't have the time to write this. I am so so sorry!! T.T
Internet had been slow since the earthquake. I don't know why or it's just a co-incidence because now it takes me 30 min to load a 10 min vid. very depressing
Until, then, i hope all of you stay safe and let's all pray for Japan, okay?