runnaway to whataburger
Brad and I had a fight about something we both don't really remember the other night...it seems that whatever makes us blow up is not usually the real reason that we're upset. So, anyways, I usually try to go and, as some may call it, blow off steam, or cool down. In my head I wanted to leave for long enough for him to miss me and comes running to me, but in reality it's more that I want to feel ready to run to him instead of attack. I had some interesting insights during my hopeless rage at Whataburger. I realized that it's all about FEAR. Over the next couple of days, God began to refine this...
Any time I feel fear, it makes me want to quit, runnaway, giveup, be depressed, get angry etc. This fear used to be so vague, I couldn't ever quite place a finger on it. It was like something would just randomly pull a trigger inside of me and all of the sudden anybody within close proximity would be attacked by my emotional explosion. THis has been going on too long for me to say that it's getting better> I was really confused at WHY I felt like a bomb always going off, and even I enjoyed the moments when I wasn't exploding.
I shut down two nights ago, not so much hopeless rage, but more depression. I was cold, afraid, and alone at a time when I was "supposed" to feel surrounded by love. FEAR was there and I saw it's face, actually for the first time I realized, "Oh, it's been fear all along that has triggered this." Before, I never felt that there was a way to oppose my emotions, oppose what I was going through. I always felt defeated, the enemy was too big. Now I know my enemy's name, and it's only four letters long (not that that really means anything). I guess when I personify Fear, he becomes fear instead of FEAR. I also am seeing all of the things that he encompassed.
Fear of FAILURE
Fear of TURMOIL
Fear of REJECTION
Fear of HURT/PAIN
Fear of MISUNDERSTNADINGS
Fear of HOPELESSNESS
Fear of BETRAYAL
Fear of LOOSING MYSELF
Fear of ERROR
Fear of WEAKNESS
Fear of VULNERABILITY
Fear of NONEFFECTIVENESS
Fear of HURTING OTHERS
Fear of OFFENSE
These being all in caps, shows how I viewed them, with the power to destroy my life, my marriage, my family, myself, and even my relationship with God. What if all I have is fear, and trying to avoid it, that won’t get me anywhere, that leaves me feeling more depressed than ever, because I know there’s not really a way to escape fear as long as your living under it. So, what the opposite, and why does that really matter? I looked to the opposite of fear:
trust
faith
love
perseverance
peace
determination
Whenever I look to fear, speak of fear, it seems like I’m always ending up with the thing that I most feared would happen at that moment. This is what really bothered me. What love do I really have that keeps me protected from fear? I have a relationship with the God of Love, but more practically what keeps me going? The LOVE FOR…
Hope
Peace
Others
Truth
Acceptance
Healing
Growth
Passion
Restoration
Prosperity
You
Compassion
God
Connection
Life
Heaven.
I’m really surprised at how many things I was able to think of under “Love for…” and also surprised at how I felt, comparatively, reading the two separate lists. Instead of focussing on ridding the fear of a certain thing, pursuing the love for its opposite produces life and all that I seek. By focusing on the fear, even if it is to destroy it, it becomes bigger.
So, I feel that I’m in a place with God for the first time I think that I’m allowing Him to change my heart to focus on the LOVE FOR all the things of God. This gives me great encouragement because I don’t always feel that I’m running away and it happens to be to God (and sometimes not) that I’m running to.
Chossing against fear creates passion for love.
Any time I feel fear, it makes me want to quit, runnaway, giveup, be depressed, get angry etc. This fear used to be so vague, I couldn't ever quite place a finger on it. It was like something would just randomly pull a trigger inside of me and all of the sudden anybody within close proximity would be attacked by my emotional explosion. THis has been going on too long for me to say that it's getting better> I was really confused at WHY I felt like a bomb always going off, and even I enjoyed the moments when I wasn't exploding.
I shut down two nights ago, not so much hopeless rage, but more depression. I was cold, afraid, and alone at a time when I was "supposed" to feel surrounded by love. FEAR was there and I saw it's face, actually for the first time I realized, "Oh, it's been fear all along that has triggered this." Before, I never felt that there was a way to oppose my emotions, oppose what I was going through. I always felt defeated, the enemy was too big. Now I know my enemy's name, and it's only four letters long (not that that really means anything). I guess when I personify Fear, he becomes fear instead of FEAR. I also am seeing all of the things that he encompassed.
Fear of FAILURE
Fear of TURMOIL
Fear of REJECTION
Fear of HURT/PAIN
Fear of MISUNDERSTNADINGS
Fear of HOPELESSNESS
Fear of BETRAYAL
Fear of LOOSING MYSELF
Fear of ERROR
Fear of WEAKNESS
Fear of VULNERABILITY
Fear of NONEFFECTIVENESS
Fear of HURTING OTHERS
Fear of OFFENSE
These being all in caps, shows how I viewed them, with the power to destroy my life, my marriage, my family, myself, and even my relationship with God. What if all I have is fear, and trying to avoid it, that won’t get me anywhere, that leaves me feeling more depressed than ever, because I know there’s not really a way to escape fear as long as your living under it. So, what the opposite, and why does that really matter? I looked to the opposite of fear:
trust
faith
love
perseverance
peace
determination
Whenever I look to fear, speak of fear, it seems like I’m always ending up with the thing that I most feared would happen at that moment. This is what really bothered me. What love do I really have that keeps me protected from fear? I have a relationship with the God of Love, but more practically what keeps me going? The LOVE FOR…
Hope
Peace
Others
Truth
Acceptance
Healing
Growth
Passion
Restoration
Prosperity
You
Compassion
God
Connection
Life
Heaven.
I’m really surprised at how many things I was able to think of under “Love for…” and also surprised at how I felt, comparatively, reading the two separate lists. Instead of focussing on ridding the fear of a certain thing, pursuing the love for its opposite produces life and all that I seek. By focusing on the fear, even if it is to destroy it, it becomes bigger.
So, I feel that I’m in a place with God for the first time I think that I’m allowing Him to change my heart to focus on the LOVE FOR all the things of God. This gives me great encouragement because I don’t always feel that I’m running away and it happens to be to God (and sometimes not) that I’m running to.
Chossing against fear creates passion for love.