rest-7
yesterday was a really rough day, and today I’m still feeling some of the emotional side-effects I guess you could say. Maybe all of this is accentuated by girl things, but I really think that a nerve got struck the other night and I’ve been battling with it since. Brad and I were praying for renewal and that each of us would be less selfish. Since then, I’ve felt really discouraged, and basically defeated. It seemed like things were turning against me. Fighting back and getting defensive weren’t working, they were making Brad run away, it made Brad want to hide. So last night we came together with this extreme deprivation, he wanted help, love, and forgiveness. And, I honestly said that I had no energy. I felt bad that I didn’t know how to love him the way I wanted to. Bad that I was harboring bitterness. and even worse that I didn’t know how to get out of this trap. This made me extremely emotionally drained, as Tobin witnessed that night. I came home, gave up, and went to sleep. Now it’s today and I still have lingering feelings of loneliness, emptiness, and a loss of hope. But I know all of these to be lies of emotions. So, I am ok with this journey that I’m on towards wholeness. I’m learning to accept my selfish inclinations, my high walls, and the tendency to be so hard on myself and those around me. BUT, I did not say that I like it. I do not like it, I only accept it as a starting point or rather a step on this journey. I look forward to a day of complete rest from all of this a time of freedom and complete joy. Brad describes all of this as shalom. I desire the renewal that shalom brings, and I need the hope to press through to it. It feels like falling rather than fighting, just letting myself fall, because I know that I what I will land in will be God’s arms. (That sounds like a bit of hope, maybe I’m doing a little better than I thought)