May 01, 2008 22:06
"Time never had a chance to heal your heart... if you always knew the truth, are you dizzy yet?"
I don't know why I'm reflecting so much on this past year's ups and downs - more specifically, the downs. Yet here I am. Its all talk... not a lot to think about anymore. It happened, its done, and its fact. Here I am though, still pacing and contemplating.
"If everything I meant to you can be licked, sealed and folded in two - am I so blind?"
So true. Ugh.
I am so scared that I'll never fully get over what has happened between Matt and I. The idea that I can't get out of my head is why I can't though. I've gotten over so many other things - broken hearts, broken bones... a failed class. Things that fundamentally mean more to me than the toxic, twisted relationship I have experienced with Darcy over the past years. I am worth so much more than the excrutiating pain that this has put me through. I know that so well. Perhapes I can't bury this because I still dont' have the answers I might just need - and will probably never get.
I would never go back and re-do it though. I learned so much through him... but maybe its counterproductive to only learn these things from one person your whole life. I love all the memories... I still remember when he called me and asked me to go to prom with him. The drive in... the infamous hickey... the drinking, laughing, kissing, loving, hating and growing. The thing is... we did all that TOGETHER. I have felt every spectrum of emotion for him - from pure estatic love to dark resentment and borderline hate. I wonder why he never can seem to get the idea that we have done this with eachother, and he and I deserve more respect than what he gives it.
I still don't know what I would do if things turned around. I guess I'll never know that unless it happens. I can and have forgiven many things... but can I really forget?? Maybe thats what I still have left to learn from him.
"I'm still driving away, and I'm sorry everyday. I won't always love these selfish things. It was my time to decide, I knew this was our time. Noone else will have me like you do, noone else will have me... only you. You will sail alone forever if you wait for the right time, I'm here and I'm ready, holding on tight... Don't give away the end, the one thing that stays mine"