Won't you make it stop, please???
That's it! I don't want to be in love! Not with this person, not with anyone! I want to be the good old not in love me who believes that there is a person who'll fall in love with her out there somewhere,waiting, for sure. The me that doesn't think life's out to get her when it comes to love. The strong me. I miss me. :( And what's weird is that I'm writing this now! When I'm feeling better than I've felt for months! March was by far the worst month for me so far this year. The number of times I broke down, felt miserable and cried is too large. I am so not proud of myself regarding that. Then spring came, April too and suddenly while everyone else around me started getting spring tiredness I got the opposite of it. I've been feeling restless and full of energy I don't know what to do with for about a week now. Along with this came a feeling of stability and stoicism that I hadn't experienced in a long while. A part of the old me came back, the one that says that everything happens for a reason and that life isn't out to get me, that it's out to teach me a lesson instead, a useful lesson, the one that sighs resignedly when I see a couple kissing on the street and says "Well, that's just not for everybody, I guess." I do feel better, but (and there's always a but!) at the same time I'm still at a loss for what to do so I can get my complete old self back, to stay if at all possible. Because I'm still in love, more so now than ever before and I can't seem to get her out of my head as pathetic as it may sound. It's gotten so bad that my last thought before I go to sleep and my first thought when I wake up is about her. And I know it's pathetic, God bloody damn it! But I can't help it...
My heart and brain are at war with each other and the heart's not giving up without a fight. So I continue on loving this girl that's not interested in anything above being my friend and when I say love I mean love my way-in other words so much it cannot be expressed in any way I can think of. My emotions have always been super intense and when I love someone I go all the bloody way. It's a really strong feeling that can scare even me sometimes, what to say about another person... That's why I'm kind of pissed, no, really pissed that all this love is going to waste. It's not expressed in any way, because I don't want to ruin everything before July and it goes nowhere. Even when I do express it, it's still going to be lost because I cannot imagine that the girl I love will be very happy about this little tidbit that I've kept from her for so long. What's worse - I am sure she won't be happy that I have told my other friends and family first instead of going straight to her. I am pretty sure that she'll be disappointed with me and that makes me incredibly sad. :( However, being me (and I cannot be anything else, not really) I insist that when I write my letter and let her know I love her I'll let her know just how much and all the necessary accompanying details. It's going to be a long and detailed letter. Typical me in other words. But in the end what does it matter that I love her this much? That I've learned so much thanks to her and am changing for the better yet again? I'll let her know just how big of an impact she's had on me and my life, but where does all the love go? Pray tell me! I wanna know! Does it reach her in any way? Or just get lost? What happens to it, damn it?
In the end it seems that the only thing I ever wanted, to find someone who'll fall in love with me for who I am is too much to ask out of life... I'm trying to resign myself to that fact. Three times bad luck (or should I say no luck?) when it comes to love is enough for me to get what fate's trying to tell me. It's either never going to happen or I have to be even more patient. Problem is I'm tired of being patient and constantly controlling myself. My life's always been about control, when I'm in love more than ever. Don't touch the other person! And for the love of God don't even think about kissing them let alone anything more! Don't even imagine anything beyond a kiss, because that has no likelihood of ever happening and is the same as lying to yourself! Plus I don't believe in touching others without some kind of permission first, so absolutely no touching of any kind of the person I'm in love with. Now consider this while at the same time trying to put yourself in my place, a me that constantly gets impulses to hug the loved one, hold their hand, you get the idea and you get some idea of how hard it is for me to deal with all of this. Control is crucial. No control equals breaking our own rules, making the other person uncomfortable and ultimately making a fool of ourselves, so control it is. Until I'm about to scream from exasperation, because I'm generally a person who likes to express their feelings and this drives me up the wall. It being spring, the season of love and all the couples outside walking together, holding hands, kissing does not help me in the least. At least it doesn't make me want to cry at the moment, but after a whole day bumping into couples I feel ready to scream! I get it that love is not for me, but could life NOT throw it in my face everywhere I go, PLEASE???
You know what's strange. The fact that I'm a loner, a person who sometimes wants to be left alone just because she doesn't feel like interacting with other people and yet my dream's always been to find someone to be with. Someone who'll understand that I need alone time occasionally. Someone with whom I can just sit silently in a room and feel comfortable in each other's presence. Someone who'll love me for who I am and someone whom I'll love for who they are. Someone who's not scared of the intensity of my feelings. Someone who in all likelihood doesn't exist... On the other hand I've always been fine on my own, I've always been best at it actually, what the hell do I want with a girlfriend? I have to cure myself of this whole falling in love business somehow. It's not healthy. It doesn't lead anywhere. I constantly end up falling in love with women who don't see me that way and this time I've managed to fall in love with the most unattainable of all the unattainable women... I'm good if nothing else... First she's most certainly straight. Second, it's a bitch trying to read her, gain her trust and get to know her. Buuut, that's actually partly why I love her so much. You see she represents my ultimate type(the one I created in my head when I was around nine and was sure I'll never meet, it was a woman then too by the way)to a T, even what should be called her negative sides are a part of my type. In other words - she's bloody perfect the way she is. Falling in love was inescapable. How I ever thought I'd be special enough to be let close(and by that I mean really close), let alone be loved by such a person is beyond me... She's one really really special person and while I'm pretty sure I'm special too I'm not sure I'm special enough for someone like her to fall in love with me. Not that it matters as she's not even interested in me that way, anyway...
Well, I think this is about enough ranting for tonight. Will try to have an epiphany about what to do so I can get to my senses back soon. Telling her everything will no doubt be a part of the healing process, but I need to figure something else too, of that I'm sure. I'm also sure that after I finally get her "I'm not interested in you that way." I'll be able to get over her in time. I need to kill all hope of anything working out for me in order to be able to move on. And don't ask me why part of me still thinks things can work out for me now. I know it's not logical, but the same part insists that life can't just screw with me so often. It'll be taught a lesson in July, no doubt...
My heart and brain are at war with each other and the heart's not giving up without a fight. So I continue on loving this girl that's not interested in anything above being my friend and when I say love I mean love my way-in other words so much it cannot be expressed in any way I can think of. My emotions have always been super intense and when I love someone I go all the bloody way. It's a really strong feeling that can scare even me sometimes, what to say about another person... That's why I'm kind of pissed, no, really pissed that all this love is going to waste. It's not expressed in any way, because I don't want to ruin everything before July and it goes nowhere. Even when I do express it, it's still going to be lost because I cannot imagine that the girl I love will be very happy about this little tidbit that I've kept from her for so long. What's worse - I am sure she won't be happy that I have told my other friends and family first instead of going straight to her. I am pretty sure that she'll be disappointed with me and that makes me incredibly sad. :( However, being me (and I cannot be anything else, not really) I insist that when I write my letter and let her know I love her I'll let her know just how much and all the necessary accompanying details. It's going to be a long and detailed letter. Typical me in other words. But in the end what does it matter that I love her this much? That I've learned so much thanks to her and am changing for the better yet again? I'll let her know just how big of an impact she's had on me and my life, but where does all the love go? Pray tell me! I wanna know! Does it reach her in any way? Or just get lost? What happens to it, damn it?
In the end it seems that the only thing I ever wanted, to find someone who'll fall in love with me for who I am is too much to ask out of life... I'm trying to resign myself to that fact. Three times bad luck (or should I say no luck?) when it comes to love is enough for me to get what fate's trying to tell me. It's either never going to happen or I have to be even more patient. Problem is I'm tired of being patient and constantly controlling myself. My life's always been about control, when I'm in love more than ever. Don't touch the other person! And for the love of God don't even think about kissing them let alone anything more! Don't even imagine anything beyond a kiss, because that has no likelihood of ever happening and is the same as lying to yourself! Plus I don't believe in touching others without some kind of permission first, so absolutely no touching of any kind of the person I'm in love with. Now consider this while at the same time trying to put yourself in my place, a me that constantly gets impulses to hug the loved one, hold their hand, you get the idea and you get some idea of how hard it is for me to deal with all of this. Control is crucial. No control equals breaking our own rules, making the other person uncomfortable and ultimately making a fool of ourselves, so control it is. Until I'm about to scream from exasperation, because I'm generally a person who likes to express their feelings and this drives me up the wall. It being spring, the season of love and all the couples outside walking together, holding hands, kissing does not help me in the least. At least it doesn't make me want to cry at the moment, but after a whole day bumping into couples I feel ready to scream! I get it that love is not for me, but could life NOT throw it in my face everywhere I go, PLEASE???
You know what's strange. The fact that I'm a loner, a person who sometimes wants to be left alone just because she doesn't feel like interacting with other people and yet my dream's always been to find someone to be with. Someone who'll understand that I need alone time occasionally. Someone with whom I can just sit silently in a room and feel comfortable in each other's presence. Someone who'll love me for who I am and someone whom I'll love for who they are. Someone who's not scared of the intensity of my feelings. Someone who in all likelihood doesn't exist... On the other hand I've always been fine on my own, I've always been best at it actually, what the hell do I want with a girlfriend? I have to cure myself of this whole falling in love business somehow. It's not healthy. It doesn't lead anywhere. I constantly end up falling in love with women who don't see me that way and this time I've managed to fall in love with the most unattainable of all the unattainable women... I'm good if nothing else... First she's most certainly straight. Second, it's a bitch trying to read her, gain her trust and get to know her. Buuut, that's actually partly why I love her so much. You see she represents my ultimate type(the one I created in my head when I was around nine and was sure I'll never meet, it was a woman then too by the way)to a T, even what should be called her negative sides are a part of my type. In other words - she's bloody perfect the way she is. Falling in love was inescapable. How I ever thought I'd be special enough to be let close(and by that I mean really close), let alone be loved by such a person is beyond me... She's one really really special person and while I'm pretty sure I'm special too I'm not sure I'm special enough for someone like her to fall in love with me. Not that it matters as she's not even interested in me that way, anyway...
Well, I think this is about enough ranting for tonight. Will try to have an epiphany about what to do so I can get to my senses back soon. Telling her everything will no doubt be a part of the healing process, but I need to figure something else too, of that I'm sure. I'm also sure that after I finally get her "I'm not interested in you that way." I'll be able to get over her in time. I need to kill all hope of anything working out for me in order to be able to move on. And don't ask me why part of me still thinks things can work out for me now. I know it's not logical, but the same part insists that life can't just screw with me so often. It'll be taught a lesson in July, no doubt...