FANFICTION CORNER: MISSING
I step off the train
I'm walkin' down your street again
And past your door
But you don't live there anymore
The wind that welcomed me at the train station this morning has been so cold, but so familiar. Walking in the town where you used to live is kind of reassuring. As I recognize my surroundings, it gives me a sensation of acute reality, and it’s comforting, in a twisted, sadistic way. I recognize your door, on which I knocked so many times. What would happen if I were to knock on it now? I know I would be greeted by silence, and that prospect is making me cold. I know, and still, I’m here today, as though I had been lured to this place by some kind of mermaid’s voice, the song of remembrance, but everything is empty. You’re long gone.
It's years since you've been there
And now you've disappeared somewhere
Like outer space
You've found some better place
I’m not sure your house bears the memories of you anymore, it’s been so long. It’s me it’s plaguing, not the walls, nor the steps leading to your door. I am tempted to envy them, because they can’t feel the absence, and I’ve been living with it for so long.
One day, you just weren’t there anymore. Everything that was you just disappeared without a trace. Sometimes I look at the world map, trying to imagine where you are. Is there a place on earth which is better without me? Is there a place on this earth you are happy without me? I don’t want to believe it. I don’t want you to believe it.
And I miss you
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
And I miss you
Oh
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
There is this little hole in my heart that's threatening to swallow me. I miss the me that was always with you. I miss us so badly.
Could you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead
Of ev'ryone
We'd walk behind while you would run
I look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout, down to me
Where I always used to be
Sometimes, I wish you were dead, it would make things so easier. I would have been allowed to cry, shout, mourn, cherish our memories and move on, but I can’t do that .Am I being cruel to think that way? It’s just that your absence is endless pain to me. You’re nowhere and everywhere in the meantime. You’re in the air I breathe, and in the music I don’t listen to. You’re in the tears I shed, and in the laughs I don’t make. You’re in my very skin, and yet I can’t grasp you. You’re an impossible torture, and yet I can’t bring myself to hate you.
I remember you were always looking back at me, with that big smile of yours, and no matter how quick I walked, I was always unable to catch up with you, but it didn’t matter at that time because you were like a reassuring lifeline. Since you’ve been gone, I’m still running after you, hoping you will reappear in my eyesight and display your comforting grin, but I don’t know where it’s leading me to. Am I chasing after you, or am I fleeing from my life? I feel like I’m going in circles, I always end here, where everything has started, where I’m sure it will never end.
And I miss you
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
And I miss you
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
Back on the train
I ask why did I come again
Can I confess
I've been hangin' 'round your old address?
And the years have proved
To offer nothin' since you moved
You're long gone
But I can't move on
And I miss you
Seems like everything has frozen. Time, space, feelings. Everything. While I’m sitting on the train bringing me back home, once again I wonder why, this year again, I came back to your house, and why I probably will again next year. But you know ,everything has stayed the same. The pain of your absence is just like a fresh scar, still vivid, still stinging. It hurts just the same, just like the day I understood you were gone. The air around your house is still the same than that day, when I knocked on your door and nobody answered. That familiarity, even if it’s linked with sadness and longing, still feels warm and comforting somehow. Suffering because of you Donghee, it’s all I have left in this world, and I cherish it with gratefulness. You know, I even think I’m still my 21 years’ old self, ten years later. I don’t ever want to change, I can’t, I want to be forever the me you knew. I’m still that naïve young boy, too certain of my own happiness to grasp it firmly, but that prospect is long gone now. I can’t be happy without you, I refuse to be happy without you. You’re the missing piece of me. I’m forever incomplete.
Next year, I will once again take the train to your house, making that trip to a place which is no longer a place; a memorial of us, and I’ll be waiting there for us to happen, just like before.
And I miss you, yeah
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
Deserts miss the rain
(Like the deserts miss the rain) Like the deserts miss the rain
(Like the deserts miss the rain)
Do I unfold the drama or not? Comments are love ^____^