ill be right here waiting
well life is totally turned around now. and im not doing too hot. i havent eaten in a week because food right now just disgusts me and i feel like i have to vomit constantly. but thats not why im posting. i guess i have a few things to say.
all i know is that love is commitment and self-sacrificing. i used to be where when i had love i had harmony. but today i realized that i needed harmony before i had love. im never happy alone and thats one of my downfalls... bc im really not an independent person. so i pour all i have into someone so that they'll stay. and actually sometimes for that reason they leave. every time someone leaves me i feel that they are threatened that they cant give me as much as i give them. but i dont care if they give me equal amounts of effort or not, i just wanted someone to love me... which i thought i had. of course im still not sure what to think bc a "time out" could mean anything. someways its better and some worse. right now im so confused whether to hold on or to let go. somethings he says makes me feel like hes still trying but others lead me to think he wants to say goodbye but just doesnt know how. when i ask him if i need to collect my things from his house he says no we should wait. but then again if i make suggestions or comments on what we should do or what im feeling, he doesnt seem to enthused on ideas or isnt hurt by the things he should be hurting about. i said some ways where it might be best if we tried new things AFTER we have our "time out" and instead of "yeah we'll at least try" he was just like "i just need to think". which is all fine i understand. it just seems like if he does love me he might at least want to try at least one more time. and i said that since hes not in love with me its kinda hard to trust him right now and he responded not hurt at all... he actually seemed kinda glad and said "you really shouldnt trust me, you have no reason to" and he said "i wouldnt be surprised if you hate me" but he says all this with a straight face and he seems so untouched by the fact that im hurting. but i know its hard for him but i think right now its harder for me. since he called it off, he had full control of the situation. he controls if we stay together or keep apart (bc he knows id wait for him although he says i shouldnt.. again with a straight face). i just feel so helpless. but he also needs to know that im not only losing my love/comfort/future in him, but im losing a family and friends also. ive become so close to his family and being away from them hurts too. i miss the house, the smells (prolly this the most lol), the pets.. EVERYTHING. and then friends. i know i can still hang out with them, but i dont want to if hes there too. it would be awkward, especially since im trying to give him space at the moment.
i dont know... its just extremely hard. everytime i hear a loud car i think to myself "i would give ANYTHING for that to be him coming to say this is all a big joke and i want you back" or something similar. its so hard to even pick out a movie to watch bc every one of my favorites we'd watch together and laugh or snuggle. i cant even watch tv shows. even ones ive never watched with him or watched before. sarah had on The Office the other day and that reminded me of him bc he just got a new job working for a business. seeing men dressed up now even hurts. certain words hurt me. songs on the radio definately. the guy i see in my class that looks like him makes me cry everday during lecture. certain times like 12 noon hurt bc he used to meet me for lunch then. the only way to escape everything is to close myself up in a room to avoid everything but then i cant do anything but think of him and the fun times we had together and the better times i wanted to spend with him in the future. ugh i just wish this didnt happen now. im taking one of the hardest classes at lsu and about to take the hardest test of the year and i cant concentrate on studying. specially since im used to studying at his house. i could never study at home.. never felt right.
but now i want to list some activities that i think would be fun if we ever did get back together so we wont end up like we did this time around....
skating
skinny dipping
dancing (alone or with friends at the club)
teaching me to drive a stick
modeling next to your car
going to the book store and just reading the sex books
shooting range/paintball (kinda wanna try those)
making me shoot fireworks
chasing me thru a parking lot
go into the dressing room with each other
taking a bath together
wrestling
more car shows
just hanging out casually more
go play pool
get coffee
using the chair instead of the bed
buy handcuffs
even just driving around doing nothing
iunno.. just anything to keep it exciting i guess and not casual or common. and i know alot of things on there are sexual, but im so comfortable with you in that way. plus that kind of thing excites men more and keeps them more interested. might make you have that spark i was talking about. theres just so many things i still want from you but im trying to give up... im just not that good at giving up.
i just want you to know that theres 1000 things that i would have done differently, especially if ida known how you felt in the first place. its just nothing you can force, and if i could i would bc i always feel like i need you. but i dont want you to think that. i know i can be clingy at times but you can too. i think if we just learn to be independent and still learn to trust and lean on one another and have fun that we'd be ok. at least i know thats what i want. i just wish i knew what you wanted. i wish you would have told me sooner and kept our communication up. but too late now. all i want is for you to be happy. and i know you prolly wish for the same for me, but i know that whatever happens only one of us will prolly get our wish. and i know for a fact that it'll be my wish that you are happy....
all i know is that love is commitment and self-sacrificing. i used to be where when i had love i had harmony. but today i realized that i needed harmony before i had love. im never happy alone and thats one of my downfalls... bc im really not an independent person. so i pour all i have into someone so that they'll stay. and actually sometimes for that reason they leave. every time someone leaves me i feel that they are threatened that they cant give me as much as i give them. but i dont care if they give me equal amounts of effort or not, i just wanted someone to love me... which i thought i had. of course im still not sure what to think bc a "time out" could mean anything. someways its better and some worse. right now im so confused whether to hold on or to let go. somethings he says makes me feel like hes still trying but others lead me to think he wants to say goodbye but just doesnt know how. when i ask him if i need to collect my things from his house he says no we should wait. but then again if i make suggestions or comments on what we should do or what im feeling, he doesnt seem to enthused on ideas or isnt hurt by the things he should be hurting about. i said some ways where it might be best if we tried new things AFTER we have our "time out" and instead of "yeah we'll at least try" he was just like "i just need to think". which is all fine i understand. it just seems like if he does love me he might at least want to try at least one more time. and i said that since hes not in love with me its kinda hard to trust him right now and he responded not hurt at all... he actually seemed kinda glad and said "you really shouldnt trust me, you have no reason to" and he said "i wouldnt be surprised if you hate me" but he says all this with a straight face and he seems so untouched by the fact that im hurting. but i know its hard for him but i think right now its harder for me. since he called it off, he had full control of the situation. he controls if we stay together or keep apart (bc he knows id wait for him although he says i shouldnt.. again with a straight face). i just feel so helpless. but he also needs to know that im not only losing my love/comfort/future in him, but im losing a family and friends also. ive become so close to his family and being away from them hurts too. i miss the house, the smells (prolly this the most lol), the pets.. EVERYTHING. and then friends. i know i can still hang out with them, but i dont want to if hes there too. it would be awkward, especially since im trying to give him space at the moment.
i dont know... its just extremely hard. everytime i hear a loud car i think to myself "i would give ANYTHING for that to be him coming to say this is all a big joke and i want you back" or something similar. its so hard to even pick out a movie to watch bc every one of my favorites we'd watch together and laugh or snuggle. i cant even watch tv shows. even ones ive never watched with him or watched before. sarah had on The Office the other day and that reminded me of him bc he just got a new job working for a business. seeing men dressed up now even hurts. certain words hurt me. songs on the radio definately. the guy i see in my class that looks like him makes me cry everday during lecture. certain times like 12 noon hurt bc he used to meet me for lunch then. the only way to escape everything is to close myself up in a room to avoid everything but then i cant do anything but think of him and the fun times we had together and the better times i wanted to spend with him in the future. ugh i just wish this didnt happen now. im taking one of the hardest classes at lsu and about to take the hardest test of the year and i cant concentrate on studying. specially since im used to studying at his house. i could never study at home.. never felt right.
but now i want to list some activities that i think would be fun if we ever did get back together so we wont end up like we did this time around....
skating
skinny dipping
dancing (alone or with friends at the club)
teaching me to drive a stick
modeling next to your car
going to the book store and just reading the sex books
shooting range/paintball (kinda wanna try those)
making me shoot fireworks
chasing me thru a parking lot
go into the dressing room with each other
taking a bath together
wrestling
more car shows
just hanging out casually more
go play pool
get coffee
using the chair instead of the bed
buy handcuffs
even just driving around doing nothing
iunno.. just anything to keep it exciting i guess and not casual or common. and i know alot of things on there are sexual, but im so comfortable with you in that way. plus that kind of thing excites men more and keeps them more interested. might make you have that spark i was talking about. theres just so many things i still want from you but im trying to give up... im just not that good at giving up.
i just want you to know that theres 1000 things that i would have done differently, especially if ida known how you felt in the first place. its just nothing you can force, and if i could i would bc i always feel like i need you. but i dont want you to think that. i know i can be clingy at times but you can too. i think if we just learn to be independent and still learn to trust and lean on one another and have fun that we'd be ok. at least i know thats what i want. i just wish i knew what you wanted. i wish you would have told me sooner and kept our communication up. but too late now. all i want is for you to be happy. and i know you prolly wish for the same for me, but i know that whatever happens only one of us will prolly get our wish. and i know for a fact that it'll be my wish that you are happy....