Safety In Cucumbers
Title: Safety In Cucumbers
Pairings/Characters: Sehun/Luhan
Rating/Warnings: T for language and stuff
Disclaimer: I own nothing; written just for fun
Summary: Jongdae is a badass with a stapler, if he does say so himself.
A/N: I don't really know what this is either, but enjoy xD
As always, comments, suggestions, or snide remarks much appreciated. Thanks for reading <3
Safety In Cucumbers
“Ok, who signed up for this health coop thing in my name?” Kris asks. No one in the board room raises their hand although Sehun, the new intern, shifts in his seat uncomfortably as if he forgot to switch off the empty coffee pot. Again.
“Seriously, guys, is this some kind of a joke? Are you saying I look like a heart attack waiting to happen?”
“You tell me,” Jongdae growls, slouching in his seat until his chin rests on the edge of the table. “You spend more time staring at your face in the mirror than any of us see it.”
“Good point,” Kris murmurs, drumming his oversized fingers against the table.
“Maybe it’s from your mother,” Minseok suggests, giving Jongdae his most reproachful frown. “Mothers tend to worry about those things more than employees.”
“Hmm,” Kris nods slowly. Minseok sighs, a hurricane of stress exhaling through his nostrils. He looks like he thinks he has no time to be here at Kris’ emergency meeting, like he has pressing reports to write and figures to check elsewhere.
“Have you checked the return address? Was there a note?”
“No, and no,” Kris shakes his head. “Let me check the label.” Luhan bends at the same time to squint at the neatly addressed label on the box lid.
“From: Wu Family, Vancouver, Canada,” Luhan reads aloud.
“Mystery solved,” Kris announces resolutely. “Anyone care for a cucumber slice with their coffee?”
“No thanks,” Minseok declines politely, his nose wrinkling delicately.
“Holy shit that’s a lot of cucumbers!” Luhan exclaims, lifting the box lid.
“Tell me about it,” Kris sighs.
“Is this meeting adjourned, then?” Tao asks, raising his hand. “I have to go turn off the coffee maker.”
***
Jongdae is a badass with a stapler, if he does say so himself. He staples a squinty eyed photo of Luhan right next to an enlarged print out of Sehun’s derp face onto the Employee Of The Month bulletin board that languishes above the water cooler in the far back corner of the Data Analysis department.
He staples a steely outline in the shape of a heart surrounding both pictures and takes a step back to survey his handiwork.
Yes, Jongdae sighs to himself finally, letting out his breath slowly through his nostrils, it was a good decision to print those shots from their last drunken office bonding night off of facebook; Sehun will thank him later.
***
“You’re telling me,” Luhan stops to suck in a deep breath, leaning in to vacuum all of the oxygen away from Sehun’s personal bubble, “that Marketing wants me to finish these reports by 6 am tomorrow?” Sehun nods, cringing away to clutch at the last bits of his air supply. “All 37 of them?”
“Um, if that’s not a problem?” Sehun winces, trying to smile through the intensity of Luhan’s strangling glare.
“Oh, no! Not all! Sleep deprivation is no big deal,” Luhan says sweetly with a soft smile. Sehun lets out a very visible sigh of relief, his shoulders sagging as his lungs finally again expand in respiration.
“Don’t worry, Hyung! I can help you,” Sehun offers with a hopeful smile, readjusting the heavy stack of files propped against his bony hip.
“...I’ll just destroy the lining of my intestines with a few liters of shitty coffee and no one will be able to tell the difference!” Luhan continues with a fierce grin, completely ignoring the humble offer of assistance from the intern.
Sehun’s face falls, or rather, it twists up in anxiety, and with good reason too; it is not a good idea to try to come between Luhan and his bed, as Jongdae learned the hard way last September.
Luhan starts to storm away, Sehun jogging at his heels.
“Wait! Hyung! You forgot to take the files!”
Jongdae smirks and makes a mental memo to send Joonmyeon in Marketing a thank you granola bar.
***
In late June Luhan catches Sehun in the kitchenette, cleaning Kris’ latest delivery of Canadian cucumbers. Except Jongdae made sure Sehun ran out of paper towels halfway through the first box.
“Sehun?” Luhan freezes in the doorway to the kitchen area, empty coffee mug in hand.
“Hyung! You remember my name!” Sehun gasps, his eyes lighting up in a face red with exertion.
“Am I...interrupting something?” Luhan raises an eyebrow.
“Hyung, this is not what it looks like!” Sehun quickly answers, waving an almost polished cucumber in protest.
“No no, it’s totally cool. Not strange at all,” Luhan replies, giving Sehun a once over. Sehun sighs in relief, lips twitching into a sheepish smile. “I mean, if that’s what gets you off…” Luhan throws his hands up, a little coffee sloshing out of his not actually empty mug onto the floor as he backs away.
“Luhan-Hyung!” Sehun bursts into tears with a wail of despair but keeps on polishing the cucumber on the front of his slacks. Jongdae applauds his fortitude, really. But it’s really no surprise even the weakling intern manages to forge ahead through questionable working conditions; when Kris commands you to clean his cucumbers, you do so.
Jongdae slinks back to his cubicle, rubbing his hands in subtle glee. Jongdae is a genius, if he does say so himself; his evil plan is totally working.
***
In early July Kris decides to force them all on an MT.
“You mean like a departmental bonding trip?” Luhan glares skeptically. “No thanks!”
“Hey, I like bonding trips!” Tao defends Kris with blinding smile and a supportive thumbs up.
“Well, it’s more like an inter-departmental bonding trip this year,” Kris corrects Luhan who is already zoned out and playing Angry Birds on his phone, probably imagining each pig head to be Kris’. Jongdae understands; sometimes he does the same thing during his bi-hourly coffee breaks.
“What?” Minseok asks in careful alarm.
“Because the economy, or whatever,” Kris sighs, ruffling his hair with his ridiculously long fingers. “The company budgeting for MTs got slashed, so we’re combining with Marketing.”
“Ooh!” Tao claps his hands in anticipation. “A bonding trip with more new friends!”
“That’s the long and short of it,” Kris nods officiously, folding his oversized hands in front of him on the conference table.
“Who’s in charge of logistics?” Jongdae asks, not bothering to raise his hand because Tao has raised his enough for the lot of them already. “Someone in Marketing or one of us?”
“You can organize things, if you like,” Kris blinks, waving a hand as if to wash his hands of the inane details.
“Cool.” Jongdae grins. Minseok narrows his eyes suspiciously but doesn’t say anything.
***
On a Friday in mid July they actually depart on the aforementioned MT, all twelve of the Data Analysis and Marketing department members wedged into a fifteen passenger van Jongdae rented with Luhan’s credit card (but shhh! That’s a secret).
“Dang,” Baekhyun from Marketing drawls when Kris backs the van into the company parking lot. “That’s a huge van. How big is your department again?”
“There’s six of us, same as you,” Minseok informs him with a cool glare. “Don’t you dare make any fat jokes.”
“I’m just a little high maintenance, sorry,” Tao sighs happily, rolling two large pink suitcases out of the lobby. “Don’t you just love group road trips? This feels like middle school all over again!”
“What kind of motion sickness drugs is he on and where can I get my ration?” Baekhyun asks loudly. Luhan glares at him.
“Get in the car,” Kris demands politely. “Now.” So they all get in the car.
This is how they end up: Kris in the driver’s seat with Joonmyeon, the other department head, beside him on the passenger’s side; Luhan wedged between Sehun and Minseok on the front bench seat; Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo squished together behind them; Tao is sprawled across the next bench, earphones in and feet dangling off the end of the seat; Jongdae and Yixing are in the very back, bookending Tao’s suitcases and Yixing’s guitar on the two empty seats between them.
“Wait, how come he gets five seats to himself, between his fat ass and his suitcases?” Baekhyun complains loudly, pointing at Tao.
“Hey!” Minseok turns around and attempts to waggle his eyebrows menacingly. “I said no fat jokes!”
“Because he’s cute,” Kris states matter of factly. Joonmyeon nods solemnly in agreement. Baekhyun works his jaw like a hungry fish before snapping it shut and popping in earphones because it’s true; for better or worse, Tao is really cute.
***
At the the resort campsite place Jongdae reserved for them Tao sprains his ankle, and it’s all Luhan’s fault, obviously. Here’s what happens:
“Summer's almost over,” Jongdae whispers in Sehun’s ear as they unload Tao’s suitcases from the van (well, Sehun unloads while Jongdae supervises). “This is your chance, show Luhan who’s boss!” Jongdae fist pumps subtly.
“But Kris is our boss,” Sehun says aloud with a confused frown before Jongdae can shush him.
“No, I meant more like in a dominatrix sense!” Jongdae continues in a hoarse whisper. “Haven’t you ever fantasized about Luhan tied down to your--”
“Hells yeah I am the boss!” Kris shouts from the drivers seat where he is marking down figures with an important looking ballpoint pen in his travel log embossed with the company logo. He and Sehun share a private smile in the rearview mirror that has Baekhyun and Kyungsoo gagging in the back (they are too lazy to move from their cuddle pile until Minseok decides it’s time to kick them out).
Jongdae rolls his eyes and turns his ipod up. He figures he can supervise just as effectively without having to listen to the idiots.
Minseok kicks them all out of the van just as Kris finishes annotating his last record with a flourish. Joonmyeon herds everyone into a huddle in the forest clearing.
“So, I asked Jongdae to make the cabin assignments,” Kris announces, turning to him. “You have the list, yes?” Jongdae nods an affirmative with a sly grin. “Good, good!” Kris says with a slow clap. “We made sure to mix up departments for the rooming assignments! For the sake of optimal inter-departmental bonding, of course.”
“Of course,” Jongdae agrees, clearing his throat. “First, we have Tao and Baekhyun in the Monkey King cabin,” he reads off the sheet. They bump hips and hoot loudly, having apparently become best friends during the van ride over their mutual fangirling of Im Chang Jung ballads. Jongdae glares and waits for them to shut up before continuing.
“Then we have Minseok and Yixing in the Crocodile cabin,” Minseok chokes on a mouthful from his water bottle and Yixing pounds him helpfully on the back, “and Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo in the Raccoon Lodge.” Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo wave politely at one another across the circle.
“Chanyeol and Kris are in the Furry Wombat cabin,” Jongdae continues, “and finally, Luhan and Sehun are in the Love <3 Flamingo cabin.”
“Wait, how do you spell that last one?” Minseok asks, looking up from where he is typing notes onto his phone. It figures; Minseok’s #1 motto is you can never be too prepared. His #2 motto is never trust someone named Jongdae. Jongdae agrees wholeheartedly with both sentiments.
“Here,” Jongdae holds out his clipboard for Minseok to see. “The ‘<3’ is trademarked!”
“Wait, why do I have to sleep in the Love <3 Flamingo cabin?” Luhan whines, twisting the handles of his MCM overnight bag.
“Because it matches with your spirit animal,” Jongdae snaps, stretching out a hand to finger his cotton candy pink hair, just cause he knows it annoys him.
“Why do I have to sleep with him?” Sehun stutters, his face suffused in a deep red blush. Luhan gives him an affronted glare and Sehun immediately smiles sheepishly, giving a meek wave.
“What’s a spirit animal?” Joonmyeon asks, politely raising his hand.
“It’s a Native American thing,” Kris says airily with a wave of his oversized hand. “If you’d been to Canada before, you’d understand.” Joonmyeon nods politely and trudges off towards the Raccoon Lodge.
“Wait!” Chanyeol yells suddenly, stopping Joonmyeon in his tracks. “Joonmyeon can’t sleep with Kyungsoo! They’re both from our department! One of them should switch with your intern.” Chanyeol jabs Sehun in the shoulder with his toothbrush.
“My name’s Sehun,” Sehun says darkly.
Kris turns to Jongdae, eyebrow raised. “Why are Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo together?” he repeats unnecessarily. “Why didn’t you just put the managers together?”
Jongdae smiles a very tight smile, tipping his clipboard to check the list.
“Because,” he explains coldly, squinting at his notes scribbled in the margins (he made sure to make them extra chicken-scratchy so no could foil his evil plans). “HR tipped me that Joonmyeon is allergic to cats. He can’t possibly sleep in the Tiger room.” Kris nods, appeased.
“I’m not allerg--” Jongdae slaps a hand over Joonmyeon’s mouth. “Sorry,” Jongdae apologizes with a quick smile, “mosquito.”
“Thanks,” Joonmyeon returns the smile before trudging off to his cabin, Kyungsoo in tow.
“But there are no actual cats there, just because it’s called the Tiger cabin,” Chanyeol insists, waving his toothbrush in agitation. Jondae shrugs.
“There better not be Crocodiles at mine,” Yixing growls, turning on his heel to find his cabin. Jongdae waves goodbye to the rest of the crowd as he supervises their walk to their rooms.
“Wait!” Kyungsoo calls after Jongdae, jogging back into the clearing as everyone is disappearing into their respective cabins. Jongdae freezes as Kyungsoo halts in front of him, panting. “I checked the map. There is no Tiger cabin, is there,” he pouts reprovingly. Jongdae smiles, tapping his clipboard with Kris’ expensive fountain pen.
“You must have an old copy of the campsite map,” he reassures the observant Marketing expert. “If you come to the canteen a little early for dinner, I’ll find you another one.”
“Ok,” Kyungsoo says carefully, wiping a trickle of sweat from his hairline. “What cabin are you staying in? You didn’t mention.”
“I,” Jongdae yawns lazily behind the clipboard, “am in the Serpent’s Lair.” Kyungsoo narrows his eyes in suspicion. “Come find me if you have comments about the schedule!” Jongdae says over his shoulder, already turning to walk away.
***
“So when you said honeymoon suites I was expecting the cabins to be a little more...classy,” Kris says, surveying the inside of Jongdae’s room, “and a little less jungle fetishist love motel.”
“You know online photos can be misleading,” Jongdae shrugs. The room is a little over the top, though; there is a real live stuffed boa constrictor hanging from the rafters between fake vines and some kind of red silk tropical flowers above the bed.
“Tell me about it,” Kris pouts to the ceiling after throwing himself onto Jongdae’s creaky double mattress. “OkCupid sucks.”
***
“So, um, what’s first on the order of business for this lovely little bonding retreat?” Joonmyeon asks as he doles out sandwiches neatly wrapped in wax paper to the employees gathered around the long table in the canteen.
“This is a vacation,” Luhan moans in reproachfully. “Please don’t use words like business or work until we are safely back in the claustrophobic clutches of Seoul.”
“That was quite poetic!” Yixing gasps softly in Luhan’s direction. “Have you ever considered a career in song lyric writing?”
“No,” Luhan glares back coldly, “I haven’t.”
“Where’s our pizza?” Baekhyun asks around a mouthful of egg salad sandwich. “Kris, you promised us pizza for dinner.”
“Due to further budget cuts there will be no pizza,” Joonmyeon smiles in apology. “But we should all write a group thank you note for Mr. Kim Ryeowook in HR who generously volunteered to make these sandwiches for us!” Joonmyeon says, pulling a large sheet of lavender butcher paper and some sparkly gel pens out of his bag.
“First, let’s get the basics established,” Chanyeol insists, gargling with a mouthful of milk. “What’s our schedule for after dinner? How early do we have to wake up tomorrow?”
“Jongdae?” Kris looks over to him questioningly. Jongdae shrugs.
“I just made the sleeping arrangements, Boss. Isn’t the group activity bonding stuff more of your thing?”
“Oh.” Kris frowns at his half eaten sandwich.
“We could go hiking tomorrow!” Tao suggests amiably.
“I can’t go hiking!” Sehun gasps in horror. “I forgot my parasol in Seoul!”
“I can loan you sunscreen,” Kyungsoo offers. “It’s 50 proof, is that enough?” He eyes Sehun’s smooth, alabaster skin appraisingly. Luhan narrows his eyes and coughs.
“Excuse me,” Sehun turns on Kyungsoo, “but telling me I’ll be fine with just some sunscreen is like suggesting I cover my pie crusts with a little tin foil before baking...in a kiln.”
Jongdae is impressed; he’s never seen Sehun get this assertive before. This is a good sign. Now he just needs to devise a way to put the intern’s overflow of emotions to his advantage…
“You can bake?” Luhan asks hopefully, his face lighting up.
“Oh, um, yes but,” Sehun ducks his head and swallows. “Not very well yet, I’m still learning.” Jongdae’s lips curve at the slight blush shading the pale flesh stretched over Sehun’s prominent cheekbones. Maybe this won't be too hard after all.
“Let’s go hiking,” Kris says decisively. “I’ve always heard that group athletic pursuits promote effective bonding.”
“Has anyone even been listening to me?” Sehun shrieks in dismay.
“No, not a word,” Baekhyun drawls, flicking a bread crust across the table at Kyungsoo.
“It’s time to get serious about skin cancer prevention, people!” Sehun insists, his face aglow with his passion for skin care. Luhan looks maybe the slightest bit in awe.
“Um, ok,” Kris says slowly, starting to reconsider the terrifying threat of UV rays to his beloved, luscious skin.
They don’t actually go hiking.
***
They lied to him in kindergarten; roosters don’t crow at the crack of dawn, they fucking crow whenever they fucking feel like it. In this case, all night long, Luhan informs Jongdae all about his insomniacical misery at breakfast as Jongdae gulps down a bowl of cocoa puffs. Jongdae loves cocoa puffs. One of the best things about vacation, if Jongdae does say so himself, is the excuse to eat a lot of junk food.
“I love vacation!” Tao sighs into his slightly stale Krispy Kreme donut, echoing Jongdae’s thoughts exactly.
“Why,” Baekhyun moans his incredulity, scratching at a plethora of raised red mosquito bites all over his face, neck, and forearms as Joonmyeon tries to daub him with a cloth soaked overnight in calamine lotion (Baekhyun apparently had a slight run in with a stagnant pool of water in the shower last night, according to Tao). “Just why!”
“Vacation = junk food,” Jongdae volunteers an explanation for Tao since his mouth is too full of three more donuts to answer Baekhyun.
“But junk food is all you ever eat, Jongdae,” Minseok points out unhelpfully.
“Hey, why do you look so tired, Intern?” Chanyeol asks loudly, poking at Sehun’s darker than normal dark circles.
“Hyung made me sleep on the...the floor,” Sehun yawns mournfully. His bedhead mohawk of epic proportions droops a little. “He doesn’t like sharing his bed, apparently.” Jongdae smirks into his instant coffee.
“I hate chickens!” Luhan wails from his seat on the corner of the bench. “Boss, will you trade rooms with me tonight? Pleeeeeaaaase?” he begs, tearing at his pink fluffy hair in desperation. Kris wrinkles his nose.
“Chicken is not my style.”
“I hate everything!” Luhan wails, throwing his spoon into his cereal bowl with a clatter. A tidal wave of milk launches itself from the bowl onto Sehun’s favorite Justin Beiber concert T-shirt. “If you guys are all going to ignore my pain I’m going back to bed! You all suck!”
“Hey wait for me Hyung!” Sehun scrambles out of his seat, grabbing the open box of cinnamon toast crunch out of Chanyeol’s hands before scurrying after him. “I have to change my shirt. Could you help me? It’s all stuck to my chest!”
“Hey, has anyone seen Jongin?” Kyungsoo pipes up from his bowl of disgustingly healthy oatmeal. No one answers.
***
“Why are you putting only cucumber in that kimap?” Minseok asks suspiciously, coming up behind Kris in the canteen. Kris shrugs and stuffs a fat end piece in his mouth.
“Cucumbers are supposed to be good for your skin, you know.”
“Better give some of that to Luhan then, he looks like he needs it,” Minseok says with a worried frown.
***
The part about Tao breaking his ankle isn’t actually that exciting. Tao slips on a slimey wad of Baekhyun’s thick, conditioner saturated hair in the shower and twists his foot at an odd angle.
He hobbles out of the shower with a tear streaked face and Minseok bandages his slight sprain in the canteen with Sehun’s help. Luhan looks on with an angry glare. Jongdae smiles, because while Tao might be in pain, the look on Luhan’s face means his plan is working.
***
“So just to reiterate,” Kris says slowly, “it’s safe to say that Jongin ssi was left behind in Seoul on Friday, and he has not been eaten by bears or gone missing or anything we need to call the police about.”
“Mmhmm,” Joonmyeon nods. “I just got off the phone with him. He’s safe and sound back in Seoul. Seems he just overslept his alarm.”
“For the past three days?” Kyungsoo asks in alarm. Joonmyeon shrugs.
***
They have a little meeting around the table at lunchtime.
“So maybe we should cut this trip a little short, considering we've had a few medical emergencies,” Kris clears his throat, looking from Tao’s swollen ankle to Baekhyun’s swollen face, “and the fact that--”
“Some douchebag forgot the cooler of meat for our barbecue and also failed to mention the fact we can’t get delivery out here in the middle of nowhere!” Baekhyun strains out from between swollen and inflamed lips.
“Yeah, like hell am I eating cucumber kimbap for the next three days,” Luhan pouts, screwing up his nose in disdain at the lopsided rolls on the plate in the middle of the table.
“I think that is wise,” Minseok says slowly, “considering that the only way the kimbap could last until Wednesday anyway is if--”
“No one eats it?” Jongdae smirks. Kris gives a wounded frown and Joonmyeon quickly shoves a piece in his mouth, smiling supportively as he chews. Kris’ eyebrows relax a tiny modicum and Minseok rearranges the straps of his tank top.
“So I think we should put this to a vote,” Minseok says.
“Raise your hand if you want to leave the horrible nasty jungle themed uber tacky love motel rooms!” Baekhyun shouts, his mouth obscenely full of half chewed kimbap. Everyone raises their hand except for Jongdae. Chanyeol, in fact, raises both of his hands with Kyungsoo’s left caught in his right.
“They’re honeymoon suites,” Jongdae corrects Baekhyun with a glare. Baekhyun ignores him maturely by sticking out his tongue.
“Why would you reserve honeymoon suites, anyway?” Kyungsoo asks pointedly.
“Yeah,” Sehun moans in fatigue. “Hyung wouldn’t share his bed and the floors around here are hard.”
“So you’ve told us,” Jongdae snaps, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. Sehun hasn’t been missing much in his opinion; the mattresses in these shitty cabins are pretty rock hard themselves.
“Any objections?” Minseok asks quickly, already edging towards the door.
“Hey!” Jongdae voices his objection loudly. “We can’t leave yet! Lu--”
“That’s unanimous then! Let’s go!” Kris says, motioning everyone towards the van. Jongdae frowns.
“I call the backseat with Luhan-hyung!” Sehun hollers.
“Ok,” Luhan nods agreeably, linking his fingers with Sehun’s. Jongdae closes his mouth and smiles, albeit smugly.
***
The elevators are broken in their corporate building when they get back to Seoul.
“Good thing we’re just on the fourth floor,” Kris observes, always one to find the silver lining in the darkest of clouds.
Tao glares lasers into the back of Kris’ shoulder blades, hunched in the doorway over his new crutches, courtesy of the HR department.
***
On Tuesday Minseok raids Luhan’s plastic wash bin of loose change for a project. No, not Project Surprise The Office With Free Vending Machine Coffee, something more artistic in nature.
Jongdae walks into the office to find Minseok on his hands and knees in front of the wall, slaving over a grand mural he’s installing by the coffee maker. Minseok looks up with a smile and goes back to meticulously attaching coins to the wallpaper. With double stick tape.
“Hey, that’s my change!” Luhan huffs, coming up behind Jongdae.
“Yeah!” Sehun echoes. “It’s Hyung’s change!”
“It’s not like you were gonna use it, Luhan,” Tao says, licking pink frosting off the top of a cupcake.
“How do you know that?” Luhan crosses his arms against his chest at Tao’s impudent presumptuousness.
“You’ve been in Korea for three years now and haven’t spent a cent of your change,” Tao shrugs. He takes a big bite out of his cupcake and chews, his dark eyes practically crossing in pleasure.
“He has a point,” Kris agrees, cutting across the foyer towards his office. “It looks nice, Minseok," Kris praises. "Good form, good form.” Minseok gives a confused little smile as Kris’ office door slams shut behind him.
It does look nice though, if Jongdae does say so himself. Minseok’s outlined a tall skyscraper in silver 100 Won coins and is filling in the sky with 50 Won coins in contrasting copper.
“Hey, whose birthday is it, anyway?” Sehun asks, eyeing Tao’s cupcake hungrily.
“It’s from Mr. Kim in HR,” Tao says, straining to hold his treat out of Sehun’s reach without dropping his crutches, “as an apology to the infirm about the elevator.”
“Do you even know what infirm means?” Luhan snaps, ducking into the bathroom. Tao just shrugs, licking the last crumbs from his fingers as he hobbles to his desk.
“You can kill someone with a penny you know.” Minseok glances over his shoulder to stare at Jongdae and Sehun as he cuts strips of tape from a roll. “If you drop it from, like, the Empire State Building,” he adds with a nod.
“Have you ever been to the empire state building?” Jongdae asks. Minseok shakes his head, slipping the tape roll onto his wrist like some kind of avant garde bracelet. “Didn’t think so. Me neither.” Minseok shrugs.
“It’s just what my mother used to say.”
***
On Thursday night it rains. Apparently, someone left the window above the copy machine open because there is a puddle of water in the tray, the machine won’t turn on, and all but five of the coins have fallen off the wall, the adhesive tape curling from the wall paper ruined by the moisture.
“Damn, I wish I’d been here to see it RAINING MONEY!” Luhan shouts after surveying the mess. He wanders away to refill his coffee, a maniacal laugh dying in his throat.
“What’s wrong with Hyung?” Sehun asks anxiously, peeking out from the supply closet where he is organizing boxes of surplus cucumbers.
“He mumbled something about insomnia and chicken zombies yesterday,” Minseok sighs as Kris strolls in the door.
“Sehuuuun!” Kris’ face is turning an odd shade of mottled eggplant as he stares at the damage. Everything is pretty much always Jongdae’s fault, but Sehun gets blamed for it. Jongdae loves the mysterious ways of universe.
The top of Sehun’s fluffy blonde hair, barely visible above the cubicle partitions, zigzags out of the room.
“Where’s he off to in such a hurry?” Baekhyun whispers loudly.
“Oh, probably to check the CCTV and record the clip of the money falling for Luhan,” Yixing whispers back knowingly. “To cheer him up. He’s seemed kind of out of it lately, poor guy.” Minseok, Jongdae, and Baekhyun nod in silent agreement while Kris blinks in confusion, not sure who to start yelling at.
“Why are you on our floor, Baekhyun?” Kris finally splutters, blinking at the formerly empty corner cubicle now thoroughly plastered with posters of Baekhyun’s favorite female idols in barely there lingerie.
“Upstairs is boring,” Baekhyun shrugs, swiveling his chair with the leverage of his feet propped on his laser printer.
“Ok,” Kris nods, heading for his office to go yell at somebody over the phone, hopefully a copy machine repair man and not Joonmyeon.
“Why are you here, Yixing?” Minseok asks as his phone chirps the arrival of an urgent message. “You don’t really seem like the type to get bored.”
“Oh,” Yixing blinks at the guitar case in his hands. “Actually...I don’t remember.” Minseok pats him on shoulder and heads downstairs to help Tao with his crutches.
***
Unfortunately for Sehun, as the newest recruit and also the scapegoat for the open window incident, he gets stuck with the job of running all of Data Analysis’ invoices and schedules that need to be xeroxed up to the Marketing department’s spare copy machine. On the 15th floor.
“Oh, you’re back Sehunnie!” Jongdae greets the intern as he stumbles back into the office for the third time that morning, panting and dripping sweat from the tip of his button nose.
“Hi,” Sehun manages to raise a floppy hand in a feeble greeting.
“I need double sided copies of this 30 page report by 1:15,” Jongdae says, waving a stack of papers still warm from the printer. Sehun snatches them, gives Jongdae the finger, and staggers towards the stairwell.
“Why didn’t you just print an extra copy of those?” Luhan asks, honestly curious.
“I just like to see him sweat!” Jongdae chuckles. Luhan looks at the clock. It is now 12:57. Luhan frowns at Jongdae but he pretends not to notice, already tuning back in to Episode 15 of Autumn’s Concerto. (For 100% Kris approved Chinese listening practice, of course.)
***
Luhan, who normally drinks only coffee and the blood of his business competitors’ children, finally stumbles over to the water cooler one afternoon because he’s chasing his escaped ball of rubber bands that rolled off of his desk for the thirty-second time that day. (That might have something to do with Jongdae’s meddling, but let’s not get technical here, that’s not important to the story).
Luhan makes a manly noise of triumph as he snatches up his rubber bands. He turns to see the Employee Of The Month display from June (it’s now the beginning of August) with a grainy picture of his side profile nose to nose with Sehun’s. And also lip and to lip.
That’s when Luhan lets out the not-so-manly scream that sends Minseok running in with the toilet plunger and broom in hand and Sehun dashing around the corner, pushing the first aid cabinet in front of him (when Kris became manager of the department one of his first and most applauded reforms was to instate a better equipped response plan for medical emergencies, never mind that their building was next to a hospital).
“What’s wrong?” Minseok and Sehun gasp out at the same time, Minseok flailing the toilet plunger dangerously close to the ceiling tiles and Sehun whipping out the defibrillator.
“Mmmrrkkklarark!” Luhan strangles out a shriek, flapping his arms excitedly at the bulletin board, all red in the face.
“Oh, you just now noticed, Hyung?” Sehun asks shyly, blushing almost as red as he is in the enlarged portrait. “Isn’t it a nice design? Jongdae did it all by himself.” Jongdae peeks around the corner to give Luhan a thumbs up.
“Mmmrawrk,” Luhan gurgles faintly. Minseok shoves a small paper cup of lukewarm water from the cooler in his face. Luhan drinks
***
Luhan finds Jongdae later to do what Luhan does best--complain.
“I just...I don’t know why I can’t sleep, Jongdae-ah!” he frets, wringing his bedazzled tie in his twitching fingers.
“Really?” Jongdae deadpans, although on the inside he is totally cracking up. “You know, Sehun’s not a bad kid, once you get used to him.” Jongdae puts a placating hand on Luhan’s tense shoulder.
“Sehun?” Luhan blinks. “Who said anything about Sehun?”
“Let me fill you in,” Jongdae says, beckoning Luhan closer with a circular hand motion.
“Oh...my god!” Luhan’s eyes pop open sometime during Jongdae’s furiously whispered discourse in his ear. “Ohhhh!”
“That’s all you have to do! It’ll be super easy,” Jongdae smirks as Luhan stumbles towards the stairs in a daze.
***
One day later, at the Marketing And Data Analysis Deparments’ Joint MT Two Week Reunion Party:
“So are you, like, the Marketing department’s graphic artist?” Luhan asks Yixing as he doodles little furry bunnies onto Tao’s arm with a sharpie.
“Eheh! That tickles!” Tao giggles, squirming under Yixing’s gentle touch.
“No,” Yixing yawns, “I’m actually the in-house accountant for Marketing.”
“Wait, why’s he the accountant?” Chanyeol asks with a contemptuous glare. “He can’t even count paper cups for coffee without screwing up!”
“If it makes you feel any better, our intern regularly forgets to turn off the coffee maker,” Luhan says consolingly, resting a shaky hand on Chanyeol’s broad shoulder. Jongdae sighs; it seems Luhan hasn’t found the balls to take his advice yet and is still suffering extreme sleep deprivation. You can lead a horse to water...
“I don’t really know myself,” Joonmyeon says, turning over an eggroll with his chopsticks and dabbing it in a pool of something purple and sticky oozing out from the orange chicken box. “I’m not actually the one who hired him.”
“I’m really more of a creative accountant, actually,” Yixing explains, squeezing Tao’s hand in a silent request for him to hold his arm still.
“Yeah, whatever the hell that means,” Baekhyun snorts, “but apparently his job description includes playing elevator music on his guitar at random hours.”
“Equations are just so inspiring, you know,” Yixing confides with a faraway look in his eyes. “Excel sheets, yeah.” He sighs dreamily, releasing Tao’s wrist to drop his chin into his palm, blinking serenely at Joonmyeon’s potted palm tree.
“Elevator music,” Baekhyun emphasizes as if no heard his obnoxiously loud voice the first time. Jongdae “accidentally” flicks a grayish mushy pea out of the fried rice at his still slightly blotchy face.
“Maybe that’s why Jongin always falls asleep on his desk,” Joonmyeon muses.
“Speaking of Jongin,” Kyungsoo starts, “where--”
“Yeah no, we haven’t seen him either, Soo.” Baekhyun twirls a fried noodle around the brittle tines of a plastic fork.
“Maybe check the supply closet if you really need him?” Joonmyeon suggests. “He sometimes likes to nap in there.” Kyungsoo nods and takes another bite of his broccoli.
“Why aren’t you eating anything, Hyung?” Sehun asks Luhan worriedly. “Here, try some chicken!” he urges, holding up a mouthful to Luhan’s lips with his chopsticks.
Good going kid, Jongdae thinks to himself, way to go for the indirect kiss!
“I hate chickens,” Luhan moans into his palm. “And who’s idea was it to order shitty Chinese take out for our trip reunion?”
“Family reunion,” Kris corrects with a stern glare.
“Because it’s nostalgic,” Joonmyeon answers him with a dreamy smile.
“The hell,” Luhan pouts, finally giving in and accepting a bite of fried noodles from Sehun. “How can this be nostalgic when the Chinese delivery never even got to us out in the middle of nowhere!”
“Hey, if you stir in some pureed cucumber, the fried rice is not that bad,” Kris announces, holding up a tupperware of whitish mush.
“I think I’m good, Boss,” Minseok says with a weak smile, pushing his chair back from the table.
***
Two weeks later they are all back up on the 15th floor for another party, this time to celebrate the fixing of the elevator and the copy machine and Sehun's being hired as a full time employee, as well as the advent of Luhan and Sehun’s new partnership. Romantic partnership, that is. Finally.
“So, tell us the confession story! All the dirty details!” Chanyeol cackles, tapping his fingers together under his chin.
“Oh, you know,” Luhan starts off airily. “One day I realized my affections for Sehunnie to be the real thing, like love. So I ran to his door at that very moment and told him, even though it was 3 am.” Luhan sighs wistfully, as if remembering the intensity his (supposed) emotional midnight revelation.
“Dang, you’re brave,” Tao says admiringly. Luhan shrugs.
“You know me, whenever I realize something I go right out and take care of it!” Jongdae snorts a mouthful of strawberry cucumber cake up his nose in disgust (disgust at Luhan, not the cake. Ok, maybe just a little bit at the cake too, but don’t tell Kris).
“Dang, this cake is delicious!” Tao moans in pleasure, licking gloops of healthy cucumber yogurt frosting from his knuckles.
“Yeah, you’re pretty good at baking Kris, if I do say so myself!” Jongdae says, just to be a troll.
“You know, that phrase only works when you’re bragging on yourself,” Minseok points out, definitely onto him.
“Ok,” Jongdae shrugs. “That’s easily fixed: I’m really good at baking, if I do say so myself!” Minseok face palms, smearing wayward frosting along his left cheekbone.
“Thanks, Kris!” Sehun mumbles happily with his mouth full. Luhan kisses the top of Sehun’s head and accepts the long green vegetable wearing a pink feather trimmed party hat that Kris hands them in congratulations.
Luhan pulls off the hat and stuffs it on Sehun’s head. Sehun grins until his eyes disappear as Luhan bites off the end of the cucumber in his hand, slowly chewing and carefully swallowing. Minseok makes a face. Luhan opens his mouth and says with a thoughtful sigh,
“You know, cucumbers aren’t that bad. Once you get used to them.”
Pairings/Characters: Sehun/Luhan
Rating/Warnings: T for language and stuff
Disclaimer: I own nothing; written just for fun
Summary: Jongdae is a badass with a stapler, if he does say so himself.
A/N: I don't really know what this is either, but enjoy xD
As always, comments, suggestions, or snide remarks much appreciated. Thanks for reading <3
Safety In Cucumbers
“Ok, who signed up for this health coop thing in my name?” Kris asks. No one in the board room raises their hand although Sehun, the new intern, shifts in his seat uncomfortably as if he forgot to switch off the empty coffee pot. Again.
“Seriously, guys, is this some kind of a joke? Are you saying I look like a heart attack waiting to happen?”
“You tell me,” Jongdae growls, slouching in his seat until his chin rests on the edge of the table. “You spend more time staring at your face in the mirror than any of us see it.”
“Good point,” Kris murmurs, drumming his oversized fingers against the table.
“Maybe it’s from your mother,” Minseok suggests, giving Jongdae his most reproachful frown. “Mothers tend to worry about those things more than employees.”
“Hmm,” Kris nods slowly. Minseok sighs, a hurricane of stress exhaling through his nostrils. He looks like he thinks he has no time to be here at Kris’ emergency meeting, like he has pressing reports to write and figures to check elsewhere.
“Have you checked the return address? Was there a note?”
“No, and no,” Kris shakes his head. “Let me check the label.” Luhan bends at the same time to squint at the neatly addressed label on the box lid.
“From: Wu Family, Vancouver, Canada,” Luhan reads aloud.
“Mystery solved,” Kris announces resolutely. “Anyone care for a cucumber slice with their coffee?”
“No thanks,” Minseok declines politely, his nose wrinkling delicately.
“Holy shit that’s a lot of cucumbers!” Luhan exclaims, lifting the box lid.
“Tell me about it,” Kris sighs.
“Is this meeting adjourned, then?” Tao asks, raising his hand. “I have to go turn off the coffee maker.”
***
Jongdae is a badass with a stapler, if he does say so himself. He staples a squinty eyed photo of Luhan right next to an enlarged print out of Sehun’s derp face onto the Employee Of The Month bulletin board that languishes above the water cooler in the far back corner of the Data Analysis department.
He staples a steely outline in the shape of a heart surrounding both pictures and takes a step back to survey his handiwork.
Yes, Jongdae sighs to himself finally, letting out his breath slowly through his nostrils, it was a good decision to print those shots from their last drunken office bonding night off of facebook; Sehun will thank him later.
***
“You’re telling me,” Luhan stops to suck in a deep breath, leaning in to vacuum all of the oxygen away from Sehun’s personal bubble, “that Marketing wants me to finish these reports by 6 am tomorrow?” Sehun nods, cringing away to clutch at the last bits of his air supply. “All 37 of them?”
“Um, if that’s not a problem?” Sehun winces, trying to smile through the intensity of Luhan’s strangling glare.
“Oh, no! Not all! Sleep deprivation is no big deal,” Luhan says sweetly with a soft smile. Sehun lets out a very visible sigh of relief, his shoulders sagging as his lungs finally again expand in respiration.
“Don’t worry, Hyung! I can help you,” Sehun offers with a hopeful smile, readjusting the heavy stack of files propped against his bony hip.
“...I’ll just destroy the lining of my intestines with a few liters of shitty coffee and no one will be able to tell the difference!” Luhan continues with a fierce grin, completely ignoring the humble offer of assistance from the intern.
Sehun’s face falls, or rather, it twists up in anxiety, and with good reason too; it is not a good idea to try to come between Luhan and his bed, as Jongdae learned the hard way last September.
Luhan starts to storm away, Sehun jogging at his heels.
“Wait! Hyung! You forgot to take the files!”
Jongdae smirks and makes a mental memo to send Joonmyeon in Marketing a thank you granola bar.
***
In late June Luhan catches Sehun in the kitchenette, cleaning Kris’ latest delivery of Canadian cucumbers. Except Jongdae made sure Sehun ran out of paper towels halfway through the first box.
“Sehun?” Luhan freezes in the doorway to the kitchen area, empty coffee mug in hand.
“Hyung! You remember my name!” Sehun gasps, his eyes lighting up in a face red with exertion.
“Am I...interrupting something?” Luhan raises an eyebrow.
“Hyung, this is not what it looks like!” Sehun quickly answers, waving an almost polished cucumber in protest.
“No no, it’s totally cool. Not strange at all,” Luhan replies, giving Sehun a once over. Sehun sighs in relief, lips twitching into a sheepish smile. “I mean, if that’s what gets you off…” Luhan throws his hands up, a little coffee sloshing out of his not actually empty mug onto the floor as he backs away.
“Luhan-Hyung!” Sehun bursts into tears with a wail of despair but keeps on polishing the cucumber on the front of his slacks. Jongdae applauds his fortitude, really. But it’s really no surprise even the weakling intern manages to forge ahead through questionable working conditions; when Kris commands you to clean his cucumbers, you do so.
Jongdae slinks back to his cubicle, rubbing his hands in subtle glee. Jongdae is a genius, if he does say so himself; his evil plan is totally working.
***
In early July Kris decides to force them all on an MT.
“You mean like a departmental bonding trip?” Luhan glares skeptically. “No thanks!”
“Hey, I like bonding trips!” Tao defends Kris with blinding smile and a supportive thumbs up.
“Well, it’s more like an inter-departmental bonding trip this year,” Kris corrects Luhan who is already zoned out and playing Angry Birds on his phone, probably imagining each pig head to be Kris’. Jongdae understands; sometimes he does the same thing during his bi-hourly coffee breaks.
“What?” Minseok asks in careful alarm.
“Because the economy, or whatever,” Kris sighs, ruffling his hair with his ridiculously long fingers. “The company budgeting for MTs got slashed, so we’re combining with Marketing.”
“Ooh!” Tao claps his hands in anticipation. “A bonding trip with more new friends!”
“That’s the long and short of it,” Kris nods officiously, folding his oversized hands in front of him on the conference table.
“Who’s in charge of logistics?” Jongdae asks, not bothering to raise his hand because Tao has raised his enough for the lot of them already. “Someone in Marketing or one of us?”
“You can organize things, if you like,” Kris blinks, waving a hand as if to wash his hands of the inane details.
“Cool.” Jongdae grins. Minseok narrows his eyes suspiciously but doesn’t say anything.
***
On a Friday in mid July they actually depart on the aforementioned MT, all twelve of the Data Analysis and Marketing department members wedged into a fifteen passenger van Jongdae rented with Luhan’s credit card (but shhh! That’s a secret).
“Dang,” Baekhyun from Marketing drawls when Kris backs the van into the company parking lot. “That’s a huge van. How big is your department again?”
“There’s six of us, same as you,” Minseok informs him with a cool glare. “Don’t you dare make any fat jokes.”
“I’m just a little high maintenance, sorry,” Tao sighs happily, rolling two large pink suitcases out of the lobby. “Don’t you just love group road trips? This feels like middle school all over again!”
“What kind of motion sickness drugs is he on and where can I get my ration?” Baekhyun asks loudly. Luhan glares at him.
“Get in the car,” Kris demands politely. “Now.” So they all get in the car.
This is how they end up: Kris in the driver’s seat with Joonmyeon, the other department head, beside him on the passenger’s side; Luhan wedged between Sehun and Minseok on the front bench seat; Chanyeol, Baekhyun, and Kyungsoo squished together behind them; Tao is sprawled across the next bench, earphones in and feet dangling off the end of the seat; Jongdae and Yixing are in the very back, bookending Tao’s suitcases and Yixing’s guitar on the two empty seats between them.
“Wait, how come he gets five seats to himself, between his fat ass and his suitcases?” Baekhyun complains loudly, pointing at Tao.
“Hey!” Minseok turns around and attempts to waggle his eyebrows menacingly. “I said no fat jokes!”
“Because he’s cute,” Kris states matter of factly. Joonmyeon nods solemnly in agreement. Baekhyun works his jaw like a hungry fish before snapping it shut and popping in earphones because it’s true; for better or worse, Tao is really cute.
***
At the the resort campsite place Jongdae reserved for them Tao sprains his ankle, and it’s all Luhan’s fault, obviously. Here’s what happens:
“Summer's almost over,” Jongdae whispers in Sehun’s ear as they unload Tao’s suitcases from the van (well, Sehun unloads while Jongdae supervises). “This is your chance, show Luhan who’s boss!” Jongdae fist pumps subtly.
“But Kris is our boss,” Sehun says aloud with a confused frown before Jongdae can shush him.
“No, I meant more like in a dominatrix sense!” Jongdae continues in a hoarse whisper. “Haven’t you ever fantasized about Luhan tied down to your--”
“Hells yeah I am the boss!” Kris shouts from the drivers seat where he is marking down figures with an important looking ballpoint pen in his travel log embossed with the company logo. He and Sehun share a private smile in the rearview mirror that has Baekhyun and Kyungsoo gagging in the back (they are too lazy to move from their cuddle pile until Minseok decides it’s time to kick them out).
Jongdae rolls his eyes and turns his ipod up. He figures he can supervise just as effectively without having to listen to the idiots.
Minseok kicks them all out of the van just as Kris finishes annotating his last record with a flourish. Joonmyeon herds everyone into a huddle in the forest clearing.
“So, I asked Jongdae to make the cabin assignments,” Kris announces, turning to him. “You have the list, yes?” Jongdae nods an affirmative with a sly grin. “Good, good!” Kris says with a slow clap. “We made sure to mix up departments for the rooming assignments! For the sake of optimal inter-departmental bonding, of course.”
“Of course,” Jongdae agrees, clearing his throat. “First, we have Tao and Baekhyun in the Monkey King cabin,” he reads off the sheet. They bump hips and hoot loudly, having apparently become best friends during the van ride over their mutual fangirling of Im Chang Jung ballads. Jongdae glares and waits for them to shut up before continuing.
“Then we have Minseok and Yixing in the Crocodile cabin,” Minseok chokes on a mouthful from his water bottle and Yixing pounds him helpfully on the back, “and Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo in the Raccoon Lodge.” Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo wave politely at one another across the circle.
“Chanyeol and Kris are in the Furry Wombat cabin,” Jongdae continues, “and finally, Luhan and Sehun are in the Love <3 Flamingo cabin.”
“Wait, how do you spell that last one?” Minseok asks, looking up from where he is typing notes onto his phone. It figures; Minseok’s #1 motto is you can never be too prepared. His #2 motto is never trust someone named Jongdae. Jongdae agrees wholeheartedly with both sentiments.
“Here,” Jongdae holds out his clipboard for Minseok to see. “The ‘<3’ is trademarked!”
“Wait, why do I have to sleep in the Love <3 Flamingo cabin?” Luhan whines, twisting the handles of his MCM overnight bag.
“Because it matches with your spirit animal,” Jongdae snaps, stretching out a hand to finger his cotton candy pink hair, just cause he knows it annoys him.
“Why do I have to sleep with him?” Sehun stutters, his face suffused in a deep red blush. Luhan gives him an affronted glare and Sehun immediately smiles sheepishly, giving a meek wave.
“What’s a spirit animal?” Joonmyeon asks, politely raising his hand.
“It’s a Native American thing,” Kris says airily with a wave of his oversized hand. “If you’d been to Canada before, you’d understand.” Joonmyeon nods politely and trudges off towards the Raccoon Lodge.
“Wait!” Chanyeol yells suddenly, stopping Joonmyeon in his tracks. “Joonmyeon can’t sleep with Kyungsoo! They’re both from our department! One of them should switch with your intern.” Chanyeol jabs Sehun in the shoulder with his toothbrush.
“My name’s Sehun,” Sehun says darkly.
Kris turns to Jongdae, eyebrow raised. “Why are Joonmyeon and Kyungsoo together?” he repeats unnecessarily. “Why didn’t you just put the managers together?”
Jongdae smiles a very tight smile, tipping his clipboard to check the list.
“Because,” he explains coldly, squinting at his notes scribbled in the margins (he made sure to make them extra chicken-scratchy so no could foil his evil plans). “HR tipped me that Joonmyeon is allergic to cats. He can’t possibly sleep in the Tiger room.” Kris nods, appeased.
“I’m not allerg--” Jongdae slaps a hand over Joonmyeon’s mouth. “Sorry,” Jongdae apologizes with a quick smile, “mosquito.”
“Thanks,” Joonmyeon returns the smile before trudging off to his cabin, Kyungsoo in tow.
“But there are no actual cats there, just because it’s called the Tiger cabin,” Chanyeol insists, waving his toothbrush in agitation. Jondae shrugs.
“There better not be Crocodiles at mine,” Yixing growls, turning on his heel to find his cabin. Jongdae waves goodbye to the rest of the crowd as he supervises their walk to their rooms.
“Wait!” Kyungsoo calls after Jongdae, jogging back into the clearing as everyone is disappearing into their respective cabins. Jongdae freezes as Kyungsoo halts in front of him, panting. “I checked the map. There is no Tiger cabin, is there,” he pouts reprovingly. Jongdae smiles, tapping his clipboard with Kris’ expensive fountain pen.
“You must have an old copy of the campsite map,” he reassures the observant Marketing expert. “If you come to the canteen a little early for dinner, I’ll find you another one.”
“Ok,” Kyungsoo says carefully, wiping a trickle of sweat from his hairline. “What cabin are you staying in? You didn’t mention.”
“I,” Jongdae yawns lazily behind the clipboard, “am in the Serpent’s Lair.” Kyungsoo narrows his eyes in suspicion. “Come find me if you have comments about the schedule!” Jongdae says over his shoulder, already turning to walk away.
***
“So when you said honeymoon suites I was expecting the cabins to be a little more...classy,” Kris says, surveying the inside of Jongdae’s room, “and a little less jungle fetishist love motel.”
“You know online photos can be misleading,” Jongdae shrugs. The room is a little over the top, though; there is a real live stuffed boa constrictor hanging from the rafters between fake vines and some kind of red silk tropical flowers above the bed.
“Tell me about it,” Kris pouts to the ceiling after throwing himself onto Jongdae’s creaky double mattress. “OkCupid sucks.”
***
“So, um, what’s first on the order of business for this lovely little bonding retreat?” Joonmyeon asks as he doles out sandwiches neatly wrapped in wax paper to the employees gathered around the long table in the canteen.
“This is a vacation,” Luhan moans in reproachfully. “Please don’t use words like business or work until we are safely back in the claustrophobic clutches of Seoul.”
“That was quite poetic!” Yixing gasps softly in Luhan’s direction. “Have you ever considered a career in song lyric writing?”
“No,” Luhan glares back coldly, “I haven’t.”
“Where’s our pizza?” Baekhyun asks around a mouthful of egg salad sandwich. “Kris, you promised us pizza for dinner.”
“Due to further budget cuts there will be no pizza,” Joonmyeon smiles in apology. “But we should all write a group thank you note for Mr. Kim Ryeowook in HR who generously volunteered to make these sandwiches for us!” Joonmyeon says, pulling a large sheet of lavender butcher paper and some sparkly gel pens out of his bag.
“First, let’s get the basics established,” Chanyeol insists, gargling with a mouthful of milk. “What’s our schedule for after dinner? How early do we have to wake up tomorrow?”
“Jongdae?” Kris looks over to him questioningly. Jongdae shrugs.
“I just made the sleeping arrangements, Boss. Isn’t the group activity bonding stuff more of your thing?”
“Oh.” Kris frowns at his half eaten sandwich.
“We could go hiking tomorrow!” Tao suggests amiably.
“I can’t go hiking!” Sehun gasps in horror. “I forgot my parasol in Seoul!”
“I can loan you sunscreen,” Kyungsoo offers. “It’s 50 proof, is that enough?” He eyes Sehun’s smooth, alabaster skin appraisingly. Luhan narrows his eyes and coughs.
“Excuse me,” Sehun turns on Kyungsoo, “but telling me I’ll be fine with just some sunscreen is like suggesting I cover my pie crusts with a little tin foil before baking...in a kiln.”
Jongdae is impressed; he’s never seen Sehun get this assertive before. This is a good sign. Now he just needs to devise a way to put the intern’s overflow of emotions to his advantage…
“You can bake?” Luhan asks hopefully, his face lighting up.
“Oh, um, yes but,” Sehun ducks his head and swallows. “Not very well yet, I’m still learning.” Jongdae’s lips curve at the slight blush shading the pale flesh stretched over Sehun’s prominent cheekbones. Maybe this won't be too hard after all.
“Let’s go hiking,” Kris says decisively. “I’ve always heard that group athletic pursuits promote effective bonding.”
“Has anyone even been listening to me?” Sehun shrieks in dismay.
“No, not a word,” Baekhyun drawls, flicking a bread crust across the table at Kyungsoo.
“It’s time to get serious about skin cancer prevention, people!” Sehun insists, his face aglow with his passion for skin care. Luhan looks maybe the slightest bit in awe.
“Um, ok,” Kris says slowly, starting to reconsider the terrifying threat of UV rays to his beloved, luscious skin.
They don’t actually go hiking.
***
They lied to him in kindergarten; roosters don’t crow at the crack of dawn, they fucking crow whenever they fucking feel like it. In this case, all night long, Luhan informs Jongdae all about his insomniacical misery at breakfast as Jongdae gulps down a bowl of cocoa puffs. Jongdae loves cocoa puffs. One of the best things about vacation, if Jongdae does say so himself, is the excuse to eat a lot of junk food.
“I love vacation!” Tao sighs into his slightly stale Krispy Kreme donut, echoing Jongdae’s thoughts exactly.
“Why,” Baekhyun moans his incredulity, scratching at a plethora of raised red mosquito bites all over his face, neck, and forearms as Joonmyeon tries to daub him with a cloth soaked overnight in calamine lotion (Baekhyun apparently had a slight run in with a stagnant pool of water in the shower last night, according to Tao). “Just why!”
“Vacation = junk food,” Jongdae volunteers an explanation for Tao since his mouth is too full of three more donuts to answer Baekhyun.
“But junk food is all you ever eat, Jongdae,” Minseok points out unhelpfully.
“Hey, why do you look so tired, Intern?” Chanyeol asks loudly, poking at Sehun’s darker than normal dark circles.
“Hyung made me sleep on the...the floor,” Sehun yawns mournfully. His bedhead mohawk of epic proportions droops a little. “He doesn’t like sharing his bed, apparently.” Jongdae smirks into his instant coffee.
“I hate chickens!” Luhan wails from his seat on the corner of the bench. “Boss, will you trade rooms with me tonight? Pleeeeeaaaase?” he begs, tearing at his pink fluffy hair in desperation. Kris wrinkles his nose.
“Chicken is not my style.”
“I hate everything!” Luhan wails, throwing his spoon into his cereal bowl with a clatter. A tidal wave of milk launches itself from the bowl onto Sehun’s favorite Justin Beiber concert T-shirt. “If you guys are all going to ignore my pain I’m going back to bed! You all suck!”
“Hey wait for me Hyung!” Sehun scrambles out of his seat, grabbing the open box of cinnamon toast crunch out of Chanyeol’s hands before scurrying after him. “I have to change my shirt. Could you help me? It’s all stuck to my chest!”
“Hey, has anyone seen Jongin?” Kyungsoo pipes up from his bowl of disgustingly healthy oatmeal. No one answers.
***
“Why are you putting only cucumber in that kimap?” Minseok asks suspiciously, coming up behind Kris in the canteen. Kris shrugs and stuffs a fat end piece in his mouth.
“Cucumbers are supposed to be good for your skin, you know.”
“Better give some of that to Luhan then, he looks like he needs it,” Minseok says with a worried frown.
***
The part about Tao breaking his ankle isn’t actually that exciting. Tao slips on a slimey wad of Baekhyun’s thick, conditioner saturated hair in the shower and twists his foot at an odd angle.
He hobbles out of the shower with a tear streaked face and Minseok bandages his slight sprain in the canteen with Sehun’s help. Luhan looks on with an angry glare. Jongdae smiles, because while Tao might be in pain, the look on Luhan’s face means his plan is working.
***
“So just to reiterate,” Kris says slowly, “it’s safe to say that Jongin ssi was left behind in Seoul on Friday, and he has not been eaten by bears or gone missing or anything we need to call the police about.”
“Mmhmm,” Joonmyeon nods. “I just got off the phone with him. He’s safe and sound back in Seoul. Seems he just overslept his alarm.”
“For the past three days?” Kyungsoo asks in alarm. Joonmyeon shrugs.
***
They have a little meeting around the table at lunchtime.
“So maybe we should cut this trip a little short, considering we've had a few medical emergencies,” Kris clears his throat, looking from Tao’s swollen ankle to Baekhyun’s swollen face, “and the fact that--”
“Some douchebag forgot the cooler of meat for our barbecue and also failed to mention the fact we can’t get delivery out here in the middle of nowhere!” Baekhyun strains out from between swollen and inflamed lips.
“Yeah, like hell am I eating cucumber kimbap for the next three days,” Luhan pouts, screwing up his nose in disdain at the lopsided rolls on the plate in the middle of the table.
“I think that is wise,” Minseok says slowly, “considering that the only way the kimbap could last until Wednesday anyway is if--”
“No one eats it?” Jongdae smirks. Kris gives a wounded frown and Joonmyeon quickly shoves a piece in his mouth, smiling supportively as he chews. Kris’ eyebrows relax a tiny modicum and Minseok rearranges the straps of his tank top.
“So I think we should put this to a vote,” Minseok says.
“Raise your hand if you want to leave the horrible nasty jungle themed uber tacky love motel rooms!” Baekhyun shouts, his mouth obscenely full of half chewed kimbap. Everyone raises their hand except for Jongdae. Chanyeol, in fact, raises both of his hands with Kyungsoo’s left caught in his right.
“They’re honeymoon suites,” Jongdae corrects Baekhyun with a glare. Baekhyun ignores him maturely by sticking out his tongue.
“Why would you reserve honeymoon suites, anyway?” Kyungsoo asks pointedly.
“Yeah,” Sehun moans in fatigue. “Hyung wouldn’t share his bed and the floors around here are hard.”
“So you’ve told us,” Jongdae snaps, rolling his eyes to the ceiling. Sehun hasn’t been missing much in his opinion; the mattresses in these shitty cabins are pretty rock hard themselves.
“Any objections?” Minseok asks quickly, already edging towards the door.
“Hey!” Jongdae voices his objection loudly. “We can’t leave yet! Lu--”
“That’s unanimous then! Let’s go!” Kris says, motioning everyone towards the van. Jongdae frowns.
“I call the backseat with Luhan-hyung!” Sehun hollers.
“Ok,” Luhan nods agreeably, linking his fingers with Sehun’s. Jongdae closes his mouth and smiles, albeit smugly.
***
The elevators are broken in their corporate building when they get back to Seoul.
“Good thing we’re just on the fourth floor,” Kris observes, always one to find the silver lining in the darkest of clouds.
Tao glares lasers into the back of Kris’ shoulder blades, hunched in the doorway over his new crutches, courtesy of the HR department.
***
On Tuesday Minseok raids Luhan’s plastic wash bin of loose change for a project. No, not Project Surprise The Office With Free Vending Machine Coffee, something more artistic in nature.
Jongdae walks into the office to find Minseok on his hands and knees in front of the wall, slaving over a grand mural he’s installing by the coffee maker. Minseok looks up with a smile and goes back to meticulously attaching coins to the wallpaper. With double stick tape.
“Hey, that’s my change!” Luhan huffs, coming up behind Jongdae.
“Yeah!” Sehun echoes. “It’s Hyung’s change!”
“It’s not like you were gonna use it, Luhan,” Tao says, licking pink frosting off the top of a cupcake.
“How do you know that?” Luhan crosses his arms against his chest at Tao’s impudent presumptuousness.
“You’ve been in Korea for three years now and haven’t spent a cent of your change,” Tao shrugs. He takes a big bite out of his cupcake and chews, his dark eyes practically crossing in pleasure.
“He has a point,” Kris agrees, cutting across the foyer towards his office. “It looks nice, Minseok," Kris praises. "Good form, good form.” Minseok gives a confused little smile as Kris’ office door slams shut behind him.
It does look nice though, if Jongdae does say so himself. Minseok’s outlined a tall skyscraper in silver 100 Won coins and is filling in the sky with 50 Won coins in contrasting copper.
“Hey, whose birthday is it, anyway?” Sehun asks, eyeing Tao’s cupcake hungrily.
“It’s from Mr. Kim in HR,” Tao says, straining to hold his treat out of Sehun’s reach without dropping his crutches, “as an apology to the infirm about the elevator.”
“Do you even know what infirm means?” Luhan snaps, ducking into the bathroom. Tao just shrugs, licking the last crumbs from his fingers as he hobbles to his desk.
“You can kill someone with a penny you know.” Minseok glances over his shoulder to stare at Jongdae and Sehun as he cuts strips of tape from a roll. “If you drop it from, like, the Empire State Building,” he adds with a nod.
“Have you ever been to the empire state building?” Jongdae asks. Minseok shakes his head, slipping the tape roll onto his wrist like some kind of avant garde bracelet. “Didn’t think so. Me neither.” Minseok shrugs.
“It’s just what my mother used to say.”
***
On Thursday night it rains. Apparently, someone left the window above the copy machine open because there is a puddle of water in the tray, the machine won’t turn on, and all but five of the coins have fallen off the wall, the adhesive tape curling from the wall paper ruined by the moisture.
“Damn, I wish I’d been here to see it RAINING MONEY!” Luhan shouts after surveying the mess. He wanders away to refill his coffee, a maniacal laugh dying in his throat.
“What’s wrong with Hyung?” Sehun asks anxiously, peeking out from the supply closet where he is organizing boxes of surplus cucumbers.
“He mumbled something about insomnia and chicken zombies yesterday,” Minseok sighs as Kris strolls in the door.
“Sehuuuun!” Kris’ face is turning an odd shade of mottled eggplant as he stares at the damage. Everything is pretty much always Jongdae’s fault, but Sehun gets blamed for it. Jongdae loves the mysterious ways of universe.
The top of Sehun’s fluffy blonde hair, barely visible above the cubicle partitions, zigzags out of the room.
“Where’s he off to in such a hurry?” Baekhyun whispers loudly.
“Oh, probably to check the CCTV and record the clip of the money falling for Luhan,” Yixing whispers back knowingly. “To cheer him up. He’s seemed kind of out of it lately, poor guy.” Minseok, Jongdae, and Baekhyun nod in silent agreement while Kris blinks in confusion, not sure who to start yelling at.
“Why are you on our floor, Baekhyun?” Kris finally splutters, blinking at the formerly empty corner cubicle now thoroughly plastered with posters of Baekhyun’s favorite female idols in barely there lingerie.
“Upstairs is boring,” Baekhyun shrugs, swiveling his chair with the leverage of his feet propped on his laser printer.
“Ok,” Kris nods, heading for his office to go yell at somebody over the phone, hopefully a copy machine repair man and not Joonmyeon.
“Why are you here, Yixing?” Minseok asks as his phone chirps the arrival of an urgent message. “You don’t really seem like the type to get bored.”
“Oh,” Yixing blinks at the guitar case in his hands. “Actually...I don’t remember.” Minseok pats him on shoulder and heads downstairs to help Tao with his crutches.
***
Unfortunately for Sehun, as the newest recruit and also the scapegoat for the open window incident, he gets stuck with the job of running all of Data Analysis’ invoices and schedules that need to be xeroxed up to the Marketing department’s spare copy machine. On the 15th floor.
“Oh, you’re back Sehunnie!” Jongdae greets the intern as he stumbles back into the office for the third time that morning, panting and dripping sweat from the tip of his button nose.
“Hi,” Sehun manages to raise a floppy hand in a feeble greeting.
“I need double sided copies of this 30 page report by 1:15,” Jongdae says, waving a stack of papers still warm from the printer. Sehun snatches them, gives Jongdae the finger, and staggers towards the stairwell.
“Why didn’t you just print an extra copy of those?” Luhan asks, honestly curious.
“I just like to see him sweat!” Jongdae chuckles. Luhan looks at the clock. It is now 12:57. Luhan frowns at Jongdae but he pretends not to notice, already tuning back in to Episode 15 of Autumn’s Concerto. (For 100% Kris approved Chinese listening practice, of course.)
***
Luhan, who normally drinks only coffee and the blood of his business competitors’ children, finally stumbles over to the water cooler one afternoon because he’s chasing his escaped ball of rubber bands that rolled off of his desk for the thirty-second time that day. (That might have something to do with Jongdae’s meddling, but let’s not get technical here, that’s not important to the story).
Luhan makes a manly noise of triumph as he snatches up his rubber bands. He turns to see the Employee Of The Month display from June (it’s now the beginning of August) with a grainy picture of his side profile nose to nose with Sehun’s. And also lip and to lip.
That’s when Luhan lets out the not-so-manly scream that sends Minseok running in with the toilet plunger and broom in hand and Sehun dashing around the corner, pushing the first aid cabinet in front of him (when Kris became manager of the department one of his first and most applauded reforms was to instate a better equipped response plan for medical emergencies, never mind that their building was next to a hospital).
“What’s wrong?” Minseok and Sehun gasp out at the same time, Minseok flailing the toilet plunger dangerously close to the ceiling tiles and Sehun whipping out the defibrillator.
“Mmmrrkkklarark!” Luhan strangles out a shriek, flapping his arms excitedly at the bulletin board, all red in the face.
“Oh, you just now noticed, Hyung?” Sehun asks shyly, blushing almost as red as he is in the enlarged portrait. “Isn’t it a nice design? Jongdae did it all by himself.” Jongdae peeks around the corner to give Luhan a thumbs up.
“Mmmrawrk,” Luhan gurgles faintly. Minseok shoves a small paper cup of lukewarm water from the cooler in his face. Luhan drinks
***
Luhan finds Jongdae later to do what Luhan does best--complain.
“I just...I don’t know why I can’t sleep, Jongdae-ah!” he frets, wringing his bedazzled tie in his twitching fingers.
“Really?” Jongdae deadpans, although on the inside he is totally cracking up. “You know, Sehun’s not a bad kid, once you get used to him.” Jongdae puts a placating hand on Luhan’s tense shoulder.
“Sehun?” Luhan blinks. “Who said anything about Sehun?”
“Let me fill you in,” Jongdae says, beckoning Luhan closer with a circular hand motion.
“Oh...my god!” Luhan’s eyes pop open sometime during Jongdae’s furiously whispered discourse in his ear. “Ohhhh!”
“That’s all you have to do! It’ll be super easy,” Jongdae smirks as Luhan stumbles towards the stairs in a daze.
***
One day later, at the Marketing And Data Analysis Deparments’ Joint MT Two Week Reunion Party:
“So are you, like, the Marketing department’s graphic artist?” Luhan asks Yixing as he doodles little furry bunnies onto Tao’s arm with a sharpie.
“Eheh! That tickles!” Tao giggles, squirming under Yixing’s gentle touch.
“No,” Yixing yawns, “I’m actually the in-house accountant for Marketing.”
“Wait, why’s he the accountant?” Chanyeol asks with a contemptuous glare. “He can’t even count paper cups for coffee without screwing up!”
“If it makes you feel any better, our intern regularly forgets to turn off the coffee maker,” Luhan says consolingly, resting a shaky hand on Chanyeol’s broad shoulder. Jongdae sighs; it seems Luhan hasn’t found the balls to take his advice yet and is still suffering extreme sleep deprivation. You can lead a horse to water...
“I don’t really know myself,” Joonmyeon says, turning over an eggroll with his chopsticks and dabbing it in a pool of something purple and sticky oozing out from the orange chicken box. “I’m not actually the one who hired him.”
“I’m really more of a creative accountant, actually,” Yixing explains, squeezing Tao’s hand in a silent request for him to hold his arm still.
“Yeah, whatever the hell that means,” Baekhyun snorts, “but apparently his job description includes playing elevator music on his guitar at random hours.”
“Equations are just so inspiring, you know,” Yixing confides with a faraway look in his eyes. “Excel sheets, yeah.” He sighs dreamily, releasing Tao’s wrist to drop his chin into his palm, blinking serenely at Joonmyeon’s potted palm tree.
“Elevator music,” Baekhyun emphasizes as if no heard his obnoxiously loud voice the first time. Jongdae “accidentally” flicks a grayish mushy pea out of the fried rice at his still slightly blotchy face.
“Maybe that’s why Jongin always falls asleep on his desk,” Joonmyeon muses.
“Speaking of Jongin,” Kyungsoo starts, “where--”
“Yeah no, we haven’t seen him either, Soo.” Baekhyun twirls a fried noodle around the brittle tines of a plastic fork.
“Maybe check the supply closet if you really need him?” Joonmyeon suggests. “He sometimes likes to nap in there.” Kyungsoo nods and takes another bite of his broccoli.
“Why aren’t you eating anything, Hyung?” Sehun asks Luhan worriedly. “Here, try some chicken!” he urges, holding up a mouthful to Luhan’s lips with his chopsticks.
Good going kid, Jongdae thinks to himself, way to go for the indirect kiss!
“I hate chickens,” Luhan moans into his palm. “And who’s idea was it to order shitty Chinese take out for our trip reunion?”
“Family reunion,” Kris corrects with a stern glare.
“Because it’s nostalgic,” Joonmyeon answers him with a dreamy smile.
“The hell,” Luhan pouts, finally giving in and accepting a bite of fried noodles from Sehun. “How can this be nostalgic when the Chinese delivery never even got to us out in the middle of nowhere!”
“Hey, if you stir in some pureed cucumber, the fried rice is not that bad,” Kris announces, holding up a tupperware of whitish mush.
“I think I’m good, Boss,” Minseok says with a weak smile, pushing his chair back from the table.
***
Two weeks later they are all back up on the 15th floor for another party, this time to celebrate the fixing of the elevator and the copy machine and Sehun's being hired as a full time employee, as well as the advent of Luhan and Sehun’s new partnership. Romantic partnership, that is. Finally.
“So, tell us the confession story! All the dirty details!” Chanyeol cackles, tapping his fingers together under his chin.
“Oh, you know,” Luhan starts off airily. “One day I realized my affections for Sehunnie to be the real thing, like love. So I ran to his door at that very moment and told him, even though it was 3 am.” Luhan sighs wistfully, as if remembering the intensity his (supposed) emotional midnight revelation.
“Dang, you’re brave,” Tao says admiringly. Luhan shrugs.
“You know me, whenever I realize something I go right out and take care of it!” Jongdae snorts a mouthful of strawberry cucumber cake up his nose in disgust (disgust at Luhan, not the cake. Ok, maybe just a little bit at the cake too, but don’t tell Kris).
“Dang, this cake is delicious!” Tao moans in pleasure, licking gloops of healthy cucumber yogurt frosting from his knuckles.
“Yeah, you’re pretty good at baking Kris, if I do say so myself!” Jongdae says, just to be a troll.
“You know, that phrase only works when you’re bragging on yourself,” Minseok points out, definitely onto him.
“Ok,” Jongdae shrugs. “That’s easily fixed: I’m really good at baking, if I do say so myself!” Minseok face palms, smearing wayward frosting along his left cheekbone.
“Thanks, Kris!” Sehun mumbles happily with his mouth full. Luhan kisses the top of Sehun’s head and accepts the long green vegetable wearing a pink feather trimmed party hat that Kris hands them in congratulations.
Luhan pulls off the hat and stuffs it on Sehun’s head. Sehun grins until his eyes disappear as Luhan bites off the end of the cucumber in his hand, slowly chewing and carefully swallowing. Minseok makes a face. Luhan opens his mouth and says with a thoughtful sigh,
“You know, cucumbers aren’t that bad. Once you get used to them.”